17 yr old dd back with EA boyfriend -- what can I do? Lock her up?

[Kitttty]

He is a year older - they were together for a year 15-16 - until he dumped her at the start of her GCSE exams. She was devastated and it impacted her results. Afterwards she told us about his behavior. We just thought he was a sullen teenager - but she told us that he was always angry with her, controlling what she did and where she went, monitoring her phone, putting her down, flying off the handle at her time keeping etc.

We were really upset that we had nt picked up what was going on at the time. We spoke to her about EA in relationships etc but 5 months later they got back together - we were devastated. But after a 2 months he dumped her again.

Now a year later, just before Christmas - they get back together again despite us voicing our concerns. He came to see us - said he was sorry - he had since matured and promised us all would be fine. Three weeks later - another major EA incident - verging on physical - he ripped and destroyed a valuable and sentimental necklace (family heirloom) from her neck in a temper in public.

We have talked and talked and talked and pleaded for her not to see him. She says she loves him and believes she can fix him and help him with his issues (he is from a broken home).

What can we do? Give her an ultimatum - him or us? Would this just push her away - or is this our last chance to influence as she is 17 and still at home. Next year we hope she will be at Uni and we will have no sight of what is going on. She has a really tough few months ahead and needs to knuckle down for her A levels. She does nt need the dramatics of this relationship right now.

[NightOfTheCactus]

I'm so sorry, that must be so distressing for you. I suppose that our kids get to a stage in life where they have to make and learn from their own mistakes, but it must be heartbreaking to watch.

I can understand the whole thing about her believing she can help him - just shows how lovely she is - and a lot of EA men will use upsetting things in their background to justify shitty behaviour. I suppose the realisation she needs to reach is that people can't "fix" one another - people have to fix themselves.

Would she be up for reading any books on EA relationships? Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is really good - I found it really helpful in understanding my EA marriage - because it deals with the more subtle forms of EA as well as the obvious ones that you get on domestic abuse websites - and using a "victim" status as a form of manipulation is something that he writes about.

I'm sure that wiser people than me will come along with more advice - but I really wish you all luck with dealing with this

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Don't give her an ultimatum there are plenty of books on the subject which may help her Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for example.

Remind her she cannot fix him only he can do that, she didn't cause him to be this way and she can't fix him, only he can do that and very few abusers have enough self awareness to manage it and if he does part of his recovery would be to move on from any harmful relationships he has had (including those where he has been the main cause of that harm). She can only control her reaction to his behaviour, which eventually should be to walk away and stay.

You already seem to be aware he is escalating to physical violence, help her to see this too.

Tell her if he can control himself around others and not do these things to them then he is actively choosing to do what he does to her.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

walk away and stay away

[Dededum]

It's a tricky one - at 18 I had a very inappropriate relationship and my parents took the attitude that as long as my health and work didn't suffer it was none of there business. They welcomed him in to their home. If they had said us or him I think I would have sided with them. But that is a huge risk.

Retrospectively I had very low self esteem and probably what I wanted to hear was ' you deserve better than this, you are beautiful, smart and have so many opportunities ahead of you. ' Not focusing on him but your daughter. Instead the message that I took away was you got yourself into this s**t, we are powerless and we won't do anything to make you feel good about yourself.

I suspect your situation is different but I think focusing on your daughter is good. Maybe a holiday is required.

[cloudskitchen]

When I went through a similar thing at a similar age my parents took me to cornwall for a week (they were going anyway) I cried all the way there and by the time I got back I was over him. I had been chatted up in the pub we were staying in and instantly realised I was not the worthless ugly piece of crap he'd made me believe I was. Tosser! I'm 43 now and the thought of him still pisses me off. On the plus side I have it opened my eyes and I have never allowed myself to be treated like that again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd suggest that you get the pair of them close and keep them close. Spending time at your place, spending time with your family, whatever you can think of. Love-bomb the evil twat. I think it's the only way you'll have a chance of improving your relationship with DD, increasing her confidence & influencing her thinking.... plus you can keep an eye on his behaviour at the same time. Aside from all the other rubbish, abusive bullies want their victims to feel nervous, isolated and friendless.

Not easy. Good luck

[Spickle]

My DD was in a relationship like this (similar age too). It went on for about 2 years until she finally, finally, decided to end it herself and walk away from him. Up until then it didn't matter what I said, or what her friends said. She loved him, could see no wrong and went crawling back to him every time he apologised and promised not to behave badly again. When she eventually saw through him, I could have cried with joy. It was lucky her friends didn't abandon her because she had hardly seen them since this boyfriend had been on the scene (he didn't like them). DD does have low self-esteem and his constant belittling was not helpful.

Tbh I think you can only tell her that you love her and will support her, no matter what. If you ban her from seeing him (or give her an ultimatum) you could just drive a wedge between you and send her straight back to his arms. Hopefully over time, she may realise that her relationship is not healthy and is not making her happy and she will come to you for help, advice and support.

HTH

[mammadiggingdeep]

Don't give an ultimatum.

I think all you can do is be there for her. She seems to tell you things now so keep talking. Watch him like a hawk and if you think it will help- let him know you are. Must be heart breaking for you.

Hopefully the little shit will end it again soon and she'll be free of him. If it does get physical I think you should report to the police. Don't let him get away with it.

[SoonToBeSix]

No do not give her an ultimatum she needs your support. When she does eventually leave him she needs to trust you and no you are there for her.
Plus she is not even adult.

[SoonToBeSix]

Know not no

[Kitttty]

We have told her she is wonderful - worth more than this and that she cannot fix him. She understands all of this logically but the emotional pull is there. We have already shared with her EA support websites, she trusts us implicitly and she knows we are always there for her and will always support her.

Maybe ultimatum is the not what I meant. I feel powerless but really want to be forceful - I feel that these next few months are our last chance, to have some impact and control.

But I suppose the advice I am getting here is that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar (the love bombing advice).

What depresses me is that after a year apart she goes back for more punishment for a 3rd time. But at least she was open with us and told us about the latest incident (maybe she no choice given we would have asked where her grandmothers necklace was).

[Kitttty]

I think that I am also stressed as I have close experience of two EA relationships - one my brother is the victim and the other is my cousin who I am very close to - and they have been the most enduring relationships of anyone I know.

[Ledkr]

I was in a very violent relationship from around 15 to 19 and ended up with two kids.
My mum was in denial about how bad it was and chose to concentrate on her new family.
She took us in once and was a bit snotty about that so I went back to him.
So I would say, be there no matter what, offer her a way out the second she should want it.
Dint judge or she will keep secrets.
Just reiterate over and over that you are there for her and that his behaviour is wrong.
It must be so hard for you but she will see through him eventually especially if she knows you are by her side.
Do wa offer teenage programmes?
There is a big campaign at the moment to highlight abuse in young relationships.

[Twinklestein]

It's hard because she's nearly an adult but she's making a very immature choice.

I would be so tempted to take her phone away and cut off her allowance, but that I'll just turn them into Romeo & Juliet. Realistically, I would buy her books on emotional abuse, as others have suggested, books on addictive relationships, take her along to a emotional abuse support group - she doesn't have to contribute, but listen to others talk about their experiences. Have you talked to her about sexual abuse because that's fairly common in ea teenage boys? If she's going to make this choice then you can insist she does so with her eyes open. Counselling also is an option if she hasn't done any already. Perhaps school can provide one?

[manaboutthemaison]

I have the most amazing, beautiful, talented, full of life 19 year old daughter who was in the same situation with a dope smoking waster . He knocked whatever self confidence she had away and she withdrew from her family and moved in with this creep. Lots of emotional abuse and tantrums from him resulted in her leaving him many times but always going back to repeat the cycle over and over again. She lost her job, her friends and started self harming. One day she moved back home and all contact from him stopped.He refused to answer her calls, wouldn't open the door when she went round and basically withdrew totally from her life. I was overjoyed, her mother relieved beyond belief . Daughter was heartbroken but is slowly coming to terms with it. It's a looong road but we're getting there.

Funny thing is, all it took was me meeting him alone one night and threatening to cut his balls off and making him eat them if he so much as looked at her again.

maybe you could try that ?

[Kitttty]

manabout -- I have thought seriously about threats and bribes.

I am really glad you are out of it.....do you think it would have come to an end if you didn't intervene?

As I said above my personal experience of these types of relationships is that they endure - both my examples above are 20 years - both started as teenagers.

[manaboutthemaison]

After many times of being there to pick up the pieces with cuddles and never judging, I could see her getting dragged down further and further. It used to break me in two, I like to think she would have worked it out for herself eventually but after the umpteenth drama I just slipped out one night and waited in the dark at his house for a few hours till he came home. ( we're very rural), let's just say that he wasn't expecting me or our little conversation.

It had the desired effect !

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

I

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Hi,

A fair bit of good advice and insight from another mum here, hope it helps x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1954476-Daughter-in-violent-relationship-am-i-making-it-worse

[lolaisafuckertoo]

a very good friend had to watch her 19 year old do the very same thing. much drama, (romeo and Juliette too) up and down with ever increasing violence that her dd hid or at least wouldn't admit to despit witnesses saying the contrary.
Don't know what it took but she got rid and to add to it, pressed charges on the DV front. My friend love bombed, remained open and available though letting her dd know how concerned she was but let her make her own decision.
she went to court, testified and he got a fine and community service. but the advice to stay close and keep the lines open is effective. though I know I would chose a chat in the corner.

[Kitttty]

Things - thanks you so much for that thread -- it is terrifying - but enlightening. Although we are not at that extreme end we are still looking at an escalation of abuse and the erosion of the confidence of a gorgeous, bright, young woman at a critical time in her life which could well have a big impact on her future if she messes up her A levels. I can identify with the people on the thread who are enraged and suggest a more direct/violent approach to the abuser....

[Offred]

He's not abusive because his parents are not together (really hate the term 'broken home').

He's abusive because he chooses to be.

He has demonstrated that he will modify his behaviour when he is in the company of people he knows will not tolerate it (you).

Her logic is failing if she thinks she can fix his 'broken home' and that that is even the problem.

The govt expanded the definition of domestic violence recently to include over 16s which perhaps means she could get support from women's aid.

Other than that I would say the way you can help her best is not by being confrontational. Ignore his existence but keep talking about behaviours that are unacceptable and why they are and how the why is not as important as the actual behaviour.

Also, perhaps try to encourage her to have a life and interests outside him.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

manabouthemaison

Good on yer. We're rural too although since I asked DD to share a picture of my meat cleaver in her FB profile, I don't think we'll be troubled.

[Kitttty]

Offred - sorry I did not mean to offend by using the term "broken home".