Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Daughter in violent relationship-am i making it worse?

(95 Posts)
innermuddle Thu 02-Jan-14 12:22:57

To give a bit of background. My 20 year old daughter has an abusive boyfriend. He is older, has children, was in prison and is on methadone (every alarm bell is ringing of course!). They have been living together since they met, about 6 months ago. He has hit her several times now, always after drinking to excess. She doesn't want to leave him (yet?) but has left for short periods (less than 24hrs) after each time he hits her. She loves him, and minimises his behaviour each time (he didn't mean it, it was the drink, i made him do it and so on).
I want to to help her, but am not sure how, other than being here every time she needs us.
My question, for anyone with experience, is whether we have done the right thing.
We had not yet met him the first time we had a call to say she was at the police station after he beat her up in the street. After that, I said that I could not condone the relationship, and he was not welcome in our house until he could prove he had changed. But I loved her and wanted to be here for her. Since then, he has hit her at least once a fortnight, so obviously we have not let him come to the house or met him at all. WE stay in touch by phone and i pick her up to go out for lunch or she comes here
I havr not heard from her for 4 days now, because her phone is off. He keeps smashing her phone, which we replace so she has a way to be in touch. I think he is doing it to keep her away from us. My worry is that I am making this worse by not welcoming him to the family.
Should i welcome him to the family for her sake, or is it morally wrong to welcome an abusive bastard to the family in any circumstance? Would that be then condoning his abuse?
To give the full picture, i have younger children that i am trying to protect from this too. Any advice welcome!

innermuddle Thu 02-Jan-14 12:24:02

Sorry that was so long, i tried to be brief!

DurhamDurham Thu 02-Jan-14 12:27:28

I have a 20 yr old dd and I'm not sure what the correct way to deal with it is but I know that if I hadn't heard from her in four days I would be going to see if she's ok. She is very young, she can't possibly know how to handle such an awful situation. I could not sit back and do nothing. My dh would probable want to kill her boyfriend but I know that's not helpful.

I hope she's ok op I really do.

MarianneEnjolras Thu 02-Jan-14 12:28:40

You should definitely not accept him into the family. But if you haven't heard from your daughter in 4 days and that is unusual then I'd probably go round to hers to see if she is ok.

innermuddle Thu 02-Jan-14 12:30:40

We are dropping a new phone in later today. Im not sure what we can actually do. I cannot make her leave him. I think that we both want to kill the bf, but that is not really an option is it?
what are you suggesting we do?

innermuddle Thu 02-Jan-14 12:31:56

Durham
We are dropping a new phone in later today. Im not sure what we can actually do. I cannot make her leave him. I think that we both want to kill the bf, but that is not really an option is it?
what are you suggesting we do?

meiisme Thu 02-Jan-14 12:52:02

It's great she still tells you what he's like so keep doing what you're doing: don't let him into your family, keep letting her know that what he's doing is not okay, that she deserves a loving and equal relationship, and most importantly keep providing a safe space for her at your home where she knows she is loved, not judged and can come anytime she wants to get away.

Depending on your relationship and how mature she is, there might be a point where I would just refuse to let her go back to him. But you seem to be well aware this might backfire, so it wouldn't be my first point of action, just something to keep in the back of your mind when she seems ready to leave but not entirely capable to do it herself yet.

cantthinkofagoodone Thu 02-Jan-14 12:55:12

Can the police help in this situation? I'm sure that someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly.

I hope that your daughter sees what's going on sooner rather than later.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:58:28

I think not letting him hear your house is a good idea - then she has somewhere to go

offer to pay for taxi - day and night to get to yours
just be there

don't be over critical of him - or she wont tell you because shes embarrased

meiisme Thu 02-Jan-14 12:58:36

Could you keep a copy of Why does he do that? by Lundy Bankcroft at your house for her to read? It's a book that has opened the eyes of many women in abusive relationships to what is really going on.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:59:37

tbh, in a very unhelpful way, if someone beat up my daughter, I would pay to get their head kicked - in

(not helpful sorry)

Another one here saying don't invite him into the family home. It's good that you're still communicating. Keep that up. Give her the details of Women's And and I'm sure there's other dv websites that mnetters will know. I'd actually point her in the direction of mumsnet. There's a vey clear message on here that it's not the victim's fault. My heart goes out to you. Been there with dd. She got out because she finally realised she was worth more. Keep telling your dd that she's wonderful. Hope she's okay x

PiratePanda Thu 02-Jan-14 13:03:21

Well I would ring the police, personally, if my daughter was with a violent partner and I hadn't heard from her in 4 days!!!

VeryTattyMum Thu 02-Jan-14 13:45:16

I had a friend in a violent relationship, her husband was also a druggie.

She did eventually leave but it was heart-breaking whist she was in it. Things which helped were having a routine whereby she checked in with me every day from work and every other evening from home; spare keys to my home stashed in a safe place; a £20 note taped to the underside of her desk, sewn into her jacket for a taxi when she needed to leave quickly.

As others have said don't welcome him it only normalises his behaviour and constantly tell her that she is worth more than this abuse and none of it is her fault. She probably also needs some professional counselling to enable her to see how wrong this is but she may not accept this until she leaves him.

VeryTattyMum Thu 02-Jan-14 13:45:53

*whilst

VeryTattyMum Thu 02-Jan-14 13:47:44

*whilst

KateAdiesEarrings Thu 02-Jan-14 14:06:26

It's so difficult and I feel for you and your dd. Personally I would meet him at their house. I'd maintain the rule that he wasn't allowed in my house. I'm not suggesting you should do this as only you know your dd and how she would react.

He's trying to isolate your dd and you've done so well to maintain a relationship with her. However, I'd want to meet him so he was aware that your dd wasn't isolated and that you know what he's like and what he does. You don't need to confront him but abusers flourish in isolation and silence.

I hope your dd was ok when you went to see her today.

DurhamDurham Thu 02-Jan-14 18:41:28

Sorry Op wasn't ignoring you, just been out all day. Not sure what you should do, just know what we would want to do if we were in your awful situation.

I would check on your dd on a daily basis, if only for your peace of mind and so that she knows you are there. Hopefully she will gather the strength to leave him soon.

Give her a 'safe word' to use on texts or on phone so that you will know if she needs you to come and get her asap.

RandomMess Thu 02-Jan-14 20:22:31

Can you keep a record of the violence and then report him to the police with the documentation of several incidences? I thought the police now had the ability to press charges even if the victim doesn't want to?

peggyundercrackers Thu 02-Jan-14 20:56:59

your hubby should go round and knock 7 bells of shit out of him - sorry but I couldn't watch my daughter get beat up or hit - I wouldn't tell her I was doing it either.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 21:03:21

Taking action against him will just force her to choose between you and he'll win.

I don't think you should keep this within the family but it is important she is the driver of any changes so I would be encouraging her firmly to report the violence to the police (and calling 101 for advice myself) and I would also be strongly encouraging her to speak to women's aid. They will not make her leave him if she's not ready but they are very good at doing the deprogramming required to get her to the place where she is ready to go and then will help her leave safely.

Did the police do a MARAC?

cjel Thu 02-Jan-14 22:24:44

I'm afraid I have been in similar situation and I kept him close as well and made my feelings towards his behaviour known to him, I stopped ex RM ds from visiting him but do know they bumped into each other out one night and my dd was hurt slightly by ds as her dp hid behind her from her 'mad' brother.
Eventually she recognised the way she wanted to live was not with him and I think you are doing the right things as far as you can. I hope she doesn't get dragged into the drug side of his life as then it will be even harder for her to leave.

BillyBanter Thu 02-Jan-14 22:29:05

When she is next round you could share some info from websites. a checklist on abuse type thing. Ask her to phone women's aid. suggest she starts a thread on here? While she is safe from his prying on your laptop.

innermuddle Fri 03-Jan-14 00:00:52

Thank you for all the advice. I have not had time to check back until now. She is safe right now, and has a phone again. I have tried to let her know we are here without putting pressure on her. She is confused enough.
I am going to try persuading her to contact womens aid. The safe word is a fantastic idea, I will try that. And I've given her an mergency escape fund if it all starts to tgwt out of hand again.
Thanks everyone. And if you could recommend a hitman please do!

innermuddle Fri 03-Jan-14 00:01:42

Offred what is a Marac?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now