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Exh losing it, what do I do?

(48 Posts)
RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 20:49:43

Can anyone help me to cope with this? I separated from H in July after 23 yrs together, 16 married, 2 dcs. He'd never been interested in family life, I did most things for dcs as well as working ft. Once the dcs came along he became emotionally cold, never wanted to do anything with me, no affection, v little sex. Caught him 3 times having online relationships with other women.

We called it a day in July, he wanted a divorce. I wasn't ready to accept it was over but then found yet another online affair so filed for divorce. He moved out in Sept.

He's been quite emotionally unstable since then, seems very down, still moaning and complaining about everything. No different to before. I've been much happier, things much calmer at home, kids fine.

The divorce should be through in the next month or so. So I've started seeing a new guy. It's nothing too serious but it's nice to have the odd fun night out, he's very affectionate and nice. I enjoy seeing him when I can.

H has been quite unpredictable over Xmas about when he can have the children. He's changed his mind a few times and it's been quite hard to plan anything (both work and social) because I never know when he's having them over.

So I had a talk with him yesterday, firstly to check we were still ok to divorce, that we've made the right decision in separating etc. Yes, both all fine, agreed we were moving on. I decided to tell him I was seeing a guy, because I hate lying about where I am and if there's a problem with the dcs while they're with him I'd rather be where I say I am rather than creeping about. I confirmed that I wasn't going to tell the children, and that new guy wasn't going to come to my (was our) house for a long time yet. But I'm not someone who can lie so I wanted it out in the open. He seemed ok about it.

Today however, exh has obviously had time to digest this and has come round and had a major meltdown. Apparently he's had the worst Xmas ever (so have I) none of my family want anything to do with him (both my mum and sister have contacted him and sent birthday cards & presents)

He didn't get any texts on NYE (can't believe that, but I certainly didn't send him one) and had an awful night (so did I) He's coming next week to throw out all his stuff that's left in my house so that there's nothing of his here when another man comes here. I've told him he's not been and won't be doing.

He wanted to know when I started seeing him (in Nov) and just looked like a broken man.

I'm worried about him. I know I shouldn't be but I hate to see anyone so upset, and even though he broke me into little pieces I can't bring myself to hate him confused

He cried and so did I, and we hugged. I don't ever want him back, but it's horrible seeing him like that. He doesn't appear to have anyone to talk to. (although the week he was leaving he was messaging some woman arranging to meet up so don't know what's happened to her)

Come on. Tell me to pull myself together. Please?

nefelibata Fri 03-Jan-14 20:55:49

you are not responsible for him. He is trying very hard to make you feel like you are, but you are not. Keep moving on, stay happy. Honestly the best thing you can do for both of you is limit his access to your emotional support. He will only abuse it, intentionally or otherwise unless you do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 20:57:14

Have you read the 'If you leave me I'll kill myself' thread at all? You're being manipulated, I'm afraid. That he has no-one to talk to is not your responsibiility. He rejected you comprehensively, broke your heart and this is the bed he has made. Give him a wide berth for a while and good luck

MuttonCadet Fri 03-Jan-14 20:59:00

It sounds like you're getting yourself sorted, moving on and he can't handle it.
Without meaning to sound callous, this is not your problem, he was fine starting relationships online when you were together, he can carry on doing that.

MulliganandOHare Fri 03-Jan-14 20:59:31

Yep. Leave him to it. Not your problem any more. What a huge relief that must be!

Yeah, I'm not saying he's not having regrets but it's part of the script. Please avoid getting into situations where you hug and cry - we're here for that wink

MothershipG Fri 03-Jan-14 21:02:48

Roller You sound like a lovely caring person, but don't let him take advantage of you. If the tables were turned do you think he would be spending one second fretting about you? Let's face it, he'd be too busy looking for more on-line hook ups.

Frankly he made his bed and it's not up to you to rescue him from it. Please try and disconnect.

TalkativeJim Fri 03-Jan-14 21:04:18

Reaping what he sowed.

Don't feel too sorry for him...

RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 21:04:20

I know confused I need to hate him, I need to never see him again. I feel a million times better when I don't see him, but for the dcs sakes I have to see him a few times every week. Each time I see him he drains a little bit of my new happiness away again.

Today's incident has come following me telling him that I'm moving on. I thought he was ok, after all he has NO grounds to be upset that I'm seeing someone else. But it seems that he doesn't like it one bit. I knew it would happen, in a way I'm glad he knows. It's the 'fuck you' I've wanted to give him for ages. So why do I still feel sorry for him?

It's just in my nature, I hate to see anyone upset. I can't help it.

But he didn't give one shit about upsetting me those times did he?

RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 21:05:54

I need to post here this evening to stop me texting him to see if he's ok..

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 03-Jan-14 21:07:16

Roller - It's so lovely to hear how you have moved forward and it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

It sounds like your exH cannot handle your strength and the happiness you have without him. Please stay strong and ignore the mind games. I understand how you feel with not wanting him to be upset, that's because you're a caring person who wants to do the right thing, I'm the same even though my H cries to me then goes back to OW. He hurt you though and he is not being fair to you - again.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 03-Jan-14 21:09:00

Turn your phone off lovely, keep posting here.

MothershipG Fri 03-Jan-14 21:12:26

I think you need to take a step back and minimise your contact with him, you don't say how old your DC are but if they are old enough to get themselves to him then they should. If not then doorstep handovers, no inviting him in. Restrict conversations to essential info about your DC.

You can not allow him to use you like this, you split up for a good reason, remember that. Did he care that you had a bad Xmas or NY? Or was it all 'woe is me'?

Hassled Fri 03-Jan-14 21:14:46

I had a very similar experience with my first husband - even though he'd been an awful DH, he was broken when I left. And the guilt just ruled my life. It was awful - I really feel for you.

In my case, out of the awfulness (maybe because of it?) we did salvage a friendship and are still close now many years later (we've both remarried). I think there was some value in me being there for him at the time. And I couldn't hate him - he'd cheated on me and been a dick, but I had once loved him enough to marry him and we had DCs together, so I never wanted to hate him.

So don't get over-involved, don't feel guilty, don't do more than you're comfortable with - but just maybe a "hope you're OK" isn't a bad move.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 03-Jan-14 21:18:20

Just to add, my H has treated me appalling through this, even turned violent and into an EA H, but we had 11 years of a loving, happy relationship and he was my best friend. He's planning his future with OW and although I have had some really dark times, I don't hate him. It's not in my nature either and I think that's okay.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 21:18:45

You can't switch off 20-odd years of love for someone overnight. Hate is not necessary either. But you have to detach and start distancing yourself from him emotionally. Difficult if he's present for the DCs but there are ways of reducing your contact even allowing for that. He ruined your marriage and now he's trying to spoil your future.

Distance.

Handywoman Fri 03-Jan-14 21:19:11

Oh lovely RollerCola......

A very wise Cogito said on here once (paraphrasing here) that abusive relationships are so hard to detach from because the abusive behaviour sort of continues, even after you have separated.

You just can't help but 'think about what they are thinking' and being made to feel vulnerable as a result. If he oversteps your boundaries (seeking sympathy and solace from you) then this too is abusive. Stop reacting to it, please do not text him. Stay strong and healthy and keep looking forward. And hang around here for more hugs smile

Handywoman Fri 03-Jan-14 21:21:14

Oh and there she is!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 03-Jan-14 21:26:09

Sounds to me like he has got so used to you doing everything for him that he is still trying to make you responsible for his happiness even though you are not together, it's just the massive kick up the arse of his realising you have met someone has made him react like this. Don't be horrible to him as you sound very empathetic and being horrible would not sit well with you but I suggest you gently disconnect by becoming cooler and cooler at each contact with him. You are too nice basically but there's worse things you could be guilty of OP! smile

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Fri 03-Jan-14 21:27:49

Oh and what Cog said.

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance Fri 03-Jan-14 21:27:50

You don't need to hate him and you certainly don't need to see him

You just need to detach. You are not responsible for his happiness or well being, it doesn't mean you have to be cruel or spiteful but it also doesn't mean you have to pander to him or support him

If the relationship is truely over (and it sounds like it is) no good can come from prolonging the pain by clinging onto each other. There is a reason there are cliches about clean breaks and closure because those things are needed to really move on

RollerCola Fri 03-Jan-14 21:47:23

Thank you everyone, I feel like I've been so brave for months for the children's sakes. I've not cried since he left, I've felt good! The dcs are 11 and 7 so there's going to be supervised handovers for a long time yet. I do try not to linger at contact times because he really is so draining, but I felt that I needed to speak to him properly yesterday. Very bad idea.

What is wrong with me? The man has ruined our marriage. I've been with him since I was 15, I loved him with all my heart for years and years. He just stopped loving me somewhere along the way. He says it's because he was jealous of the children, that they took my attention. He hated having to share me hmm. That's pathetic isn't it? He's not the man I married.

He went home a couple of hours ago now but I still feel massively stressed and have started with a migraine. I've got a feeling this isn't going to get any better unless I really distance myself from him now.

Do you think I was stupid to tell him of another guy? I didn't tell him for his approval or even in revenge. I told him because I hate lying about where I am and to ask for him to make contact times more regular and reliable so I can actually plan my own small social life.

He doesn't care about how I am though. He was wallowing in how nobody has contacted him but I told him that no one really contacts me either. Friends & family have their own lives don't they? They're hardly going to be on the phone every 5 mins checking how we both are (well my mum does actually but anyway..)

Ok so as little contact as possible yes?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-Jan-14 22:08:59

There's nothing wrong with you. You're adjusting that's all. In a way, it's good that you had this experience because it's shown up how manipulative & self-absorbed he is and how important it is to detach. Was it unwise to tell him about the new man? Possibly because of what subsequently happened but, again, it's revealed his true character.

He's your ex not your friend. You might never hate him but you're now seeing him in a new light, not liking what you see, and that's going to be far more use to you in progressing with your new life. Essential communication only from now on.

Allergictoironing Fri 03-Jan-14 22:43:41

The phrase "dog in a manager" comes to mind - he doesn't want you, but he'll be damned if he lets you see anyone else (had an ex years ago who was a bit like that). Nothing & no-one can be permitted to take his rightful hmm place as the absolute centre of your life, not even his own DCs.

Rather pathetic IMO, as it suggests to me that his self-esteem muct be very low if he's so dependant on your adoration wink

Handywoman Fri 03-Jan-14 22:46:31

Were you stupid to tell him of another guy? I totally understand that you can't be bothered with creeping around that you need to be upfront re the kids and logistics. Totally get that. Word up: his reaction was Not, repeat NOT your fault!!

But because you are vulnerable you need to protect yourself - Essential communication now only.

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