I would imagine the DCs will not be far behind me but I can't think of any other option to get out of my current situation.
Been with H for 20 years and he has turned into an utterly nasty arse. Emotionally abusive and terrible temper tantrums. We have had the kind of bad luck during those 20 years that you would not believe including the bereavement of a child and which has badly affected my mental health (anxiety) and H hates me for being 'pathetic' . We had a major financial catastrophe 7 years ago which culminated in us losing everything financially including our own home and have no hope of ever having enough for a deposit for our own home again.
We have been living in council accommodation which is a tiny 2nd floor flat with no garden and no lift for the last 2 years after privately renting and it is so hard to cope with day to day stuff but H will not move back into private rented as this is cheaper. The council housed us here after our 3rd landlord in 3 years gave us notice as he wanted to move back into his house. We went to the council for help as I was unexpectedly pregnant with DC4 and I could not bear having to keep on moving. We were told we had to move here but would have higher priority to move into a house after a year. Now the council will not move us and have recently changed the priority banding which means that we don't have any so we will be stuck here indefinitely.
H has decided we HAVE to stay in this flat. He has his job here and he will not countenance moving anywhere where it is cheaper to rent even though he can ask for a transfer up north where we could get a 4 bed for £700 a month!
I have decided that if we can't afford the to rent a decent home here (£1200+ pm) then we have to move somewhere we can.
H feels I am to blame for our financial predicament as it was my idea to emigrate abroad which is how we lost all our money (too much stuff happened out there to go into). He has recently told me that before I got pregnant with our 1st DC he had already decided to dump me but then he couldn't, he does not love me and I have ruined his life. I suffered an extremely abusive childhood which I have had therapy for and he has told me that he understands why my family hated me 
.
I literally want to through myself over the balcony most days. I have had the downstairs neighbours calling my DCs 'cunts' due to the relatively normal kids noise they make. I get unreasonably angry with them for making any noise due to downstairs neighbours hearing . I have nowhere to dry clothes, have to carry heavy shopping up 2 flights of stairs and sometimes DC4 if he refuses to walk up them resulting in a prolapse due to heavy lifting (according to my GP). I worry about getting the DCs out if there is a fire, worry about DC4 falling off the balcony (I have put netting over it) or out of a window etc. The area is very rough with screaming in the street and loud parties a common occurrence. I will not let my older DSs play outside so they stay in as we have no garden and don't get me started on the prepayment gas/electric meters which are OUTSIDE the building so when it eats £10 of gas up in a day and I have no hot water when I am naked in the shower, I have run down the aforementioned 2 flights of stairs to put on the emergency credit. We also have mould and the place is freezing.
It is an utter nightmare and I can't live like this any more with him eroding my self esteem as well and I don't want my DCs to live like this. H seems to think he is in control (I used to be a higher earner than him and made all the decisions because he wouldn't) and he is using this to control me.
H has said that he will not allow me to take his DC's away from him so I have told him I will move out then on my own. He will not be able to do his precious job without me there as he works until late at night. He has admitted he would rather work than be at home with the DCs. He will not quit his job so the DCs will come with me anyway but I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.
I have found a 4 bed cottage in the Somerset for £650 pm (we are in the South East) and will have enough money saved to pay 4 months rent up front and deposit. Financially I will be better off as a SP until DC4 starts school next September and I can start work again. I really would rather H would come with us so the DCs have their dad but I will not live with his blame and vitriol. The DCs will probably be relieved.
Can I do this? Am I mad?
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Relationships
Need perspective urgently! Seriously thinking of leaving 'H' and 4 DCs and running away!
WantToRunFarFarAway · 17/11/2013 22:33
Just do it.
Life is too short to be in such awful conditions with such a horrible man.
Your children will be so much happier too. 
OP your situation sounds horrible.
Ring womens aid, it sounds scary but they are so so lovely & helpful.
They helped me leave an emotionally & financially abusive relationship with two young children.
Even if you cry down the phone they wait until you are ready.
Im so sorry for your lose & hope you can find true happiness.
keep us updated
I don't expect it to get to the point where I actually 'leave' the DCs. He needs to see that I am serious. He makes me out to be a crazy woman and when the doubts set in, I believe him!
Thanks for the support .
I want it to be in such a way that it's his decision so he can't say I took the DCs away from him iyswim.
I think this is the bit you have to let go of.
He is an abusive, controlling arse, as you say, who grinds you down and references your terrible childhood experiences in the most wicked, vicious way.
He's never going to obligingly act in a way that would make the decision to leave and take the children easy for you. He's never going to "see" that you are serious.
It is to his advantage that you are tied up in knots over not wanting to be the one to "take" them. It would also be to his advantage if you left them with him.
You already have some savings and a plan 
. Call Women's Aid and talk it through with them.
Bogeyface
This man is awful, and I think that he was probably always like this but because he was living on your higher earnings he reined it in in order to not lose his nice life. Now he is in the more powerful position, he using that to his full advantage.
You are correct. He was an illegal immigrant when I met him (I had no idea). He deceived me and told me he was from a different country to the one he was actually from. I had no idea of the culture (sexist) or customs in his country. I had such low self esteem from my childhood I could not believe he wanted me. I helped him get 'permanent leave to remain' here then of course a British passport when we got married. Spent hours dealing with UNHCR to get his parents out of a refugee camp and took them into my home. Was the main earner, dealt with all bills, paperwork, childcare, shopping, cleaning etc. I used to be so grateful he was with me 
.
I always had high level jobs until we lost DD2 and then I went to pot, full of anxiety over DD1 (who also nearly died from a serious illness 3 months after we lost DD2) and did not care about a career after that. I still did everything even finding him current job. He would not even consider looking for another one in an area we can afford to live in.
It has taken me a long time wake up! I am not going to worry about the 'afterwards'. I just need to get past the moving out. Nothing can be any worse than what I have already been through and what I am going through now .
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