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EA tipping points - part 2

(9 Posts)
Stuckunderababy Wed 06-Nov-13 21:20:32

Hi. You may remember I posted last week about tipping points as far as emotional abuse is concerned : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1898105-Emotional-Abuse-what-was-your-tipping-point

I just don't know where to go next with our relationship. Our conversations last week ended with him telling me we'll just live normally together and he'll try not to get angry about stuff but basically if he gets pissed off enough he'll walk.

In the meantime we've been civil and occasionally he's behaved as though everything is normal but for me it's not. Tonight I've tried to talk to him again and work things through but while he says he shouldn't speak to me the way he does he is not ready to get counselling and I can't make him go. In the meantime our problems are jointly caused by my 'utter failure' domestically. (I wish you could see how freaking clean and tidy my house is!) He also said he is sure I will be portraying myself as the victim to people when it's not just about him.

I've said numerous times that I don't feel like he loves me or wants to be with me and he's done nothing to reassure me that he does. Yet when I said I thought he should move out for a few weeks to give us both some space he refused point blank. That was not an easy thing for me to say, although apparently I have now 'shown my cards'...

He also claimed that the main reason he is pissed off is because of my mum and I need to deal with her properly. She is a hoarder and has a lot of personal hygiene issues that I find really hard to address as she is essentially a nice person and I don't want to upset her. But he is just so horrible about her, when I would prefer him to be supportive as I get very upset about her as I know it affects my relationship with her. He no longer wants her in the house and says it is essentially this that is coming between us. I see her regularly but he doesn't. To be fair I know he is at the end of his tether with this as he's been trying to get me to do something for years but I just find it so hard and his attitude (which is basically that I am pathetic) doesn't help.

So where do I go from here? He won't do counselling, we are at stalemate and I just don't know if I want to be with him any more as he is. The nice husband is so far hidden now and I don't know how to bring him back. Maybe I just need to face the fact that he doesn't really love me anymore. But this isn't what I want. I don't want to take the kids away, break up our family.

I hope this makes sense. Am trying to keep it as condensed as possible. He can be such a loving person, I don't know what has happened.

Stuckunderababy Wed 06-Nov-13 22:48:01

Bump

tightfortime Wed 06-Nov-13 23:28:43

You only get one mum and he has no damn right to blame her for your situation. Or your domesticity. All excuses and reasons to have a dig.

Ideally you would stay in the house and he gets out, especially where there are kids.

Mine refused to go too until it finally dawned on him that there was no more doormat, I wasn't changing my mind.

Tell him get out, stop doing anything for him and be polite but icy. I helped my ex find a place in the end. But you have to be sure.

cjel Wed 06-Nov-13 23:49:50

I don't know what to say really, HE thinks your mum has to change and HE thinks its your job to change her? HE doesn't want to change/get counselling/move out. What about what you want? Decide what you want and then try and work towards it. If you want him out move towards doing it - if you want to move out move out- if you want to have counselling then have counselling.

Consider carefully how you want your life to be then take the small steps towards making it happenx

Lahti Thu 07-Nov-13 09:24:50

Hi Stuck I'm at work at the moment so can't say much, but your H sounds like my STBXH re my domestic failure and critical of my parents. Honestly he won't change as he has you thinking that you make him like this and that if you jump through enough hoops he will be nice, but he won't be as he really doesn't think that he is in the wrong. He may change for a short while, but he will then find something else that he thinks you are doing wrong and focus on that instead. Will write more this evening. X

Stuckunderababy Thu 07-Nov-13 13:36:44

Thanks Lahti. I just can't help but think he's not always as bad as he seems to have become now. I genuinely don't feel I can do more - he's even suggested getting someone in to do the housework (he says that he doesn't mean I have to do it) but we have a cleaner once a week and to be honest I am not sure what we'd be paying someone to do! Unless I go back to work which I think Is the only way to save my sanity in which case we'd need help but he doesn't think I should work. Even though it has always been of utmost importance to me to keep a hand in on my career when I have kids for lots of reasons to do with my mum, which he knows about, but now refuses to see. The sad thing is I could be happy at home if I felt I was respected but I just feel trampled in my current situation.

I just want my lovely loving husband but I feel like he can't stand me. My 'utter failure' domestically is on par with his verbal abuse of me. I just wish he could see how he is destroying us because I don't think he deep down wants that. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Lahti Thu 07-Nov-13 20:33:24

My STBXH wasn't hard to live with all the time, but he was never easy. We were married for 11 years and although I wasn't happy I didn't know what to do about it as I just couldn't seem to be good enough. It wasn't until early last year when I was talking to a good friend and she told be that STBXH was controlling me that I started to put 2 and 2 together. Once I started to pay attention to it it became obvious what was happening. I even posted on here in jan as I was doubting myself. I got replies saying that he was controlling and abusive which was very shocking for me to read. I showed the thread to my friend and she said that she was glad that other people were agreeing with her.
Do you have any close friends that you can confide in?

Lahti Thu 07-Nov-13 20:39:03

stuck this was my original post. I cringe when I read it back, but as you can see I was bending over backwards for him and excusing his behaviour.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1662463-Am-I-being-unreasonable

Stuckunderababy Thu 07-Nov-13 21:07:28

Thank you. I've just started a new thread as have walked tonight. I'm scared of what comes next. I know I am still sure the nice guy can come through, that crap things have happened this year that have made him worse and he's taking it out on me rather than dealing with them. This isn't who he is, yet he's so convinced I am so wrong. But what more can I do than my best to do everything at home that he wants. Yet the moment it falls over when I am ill, we're back at square one. I can't carry on living on a knife edge, worrying that I've upset him or done something wrong.

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