Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being unreasonable?

(45 Posts)
Lahti Fri 18-Jan-13 14:09:31

A few of my friends have recently started to comment that my DH is a control freak. To be honest I have thought this in the past but never realised how much it has started to affect me. I need to know if I am over reacting or being unreasonable to my DH.
History. Married for 11 years 1 DC. Examples of past possible controlling behaviour are.. 5 years ago (pre DC) both of us were keen on the same sporting hobby and I entered an endurance event which was a really big deal to me. I really enjoyed it and wanted to do another the following year. DH was not happy for me to do so but he entered the event himself for the following year. I pointed out that we could do it together but he was adamant that I wasn't going to do it. Anyway I was a bit cross but thought never mind. Anyway he went on to have an EA that year which was awful, we nearly split up. Went to Relate and things got better, we had our DC 2 years later. Following Relate and through my pregnancy and Mat leave he was fine but when it came to me returning to work he started to revert to his old self ie He said I needed to work really unsociable hours 2pm -1am to reduce the need for childcare (family member) not surprisingly I was exhausted especially as DC was a very poor sleeper. I eventually persuaded him that I needed to change jobs as I was literally on my knees.
Anyway I know I am rambling so will get to the point. A year ago I started to learn a new sporting hobby and got a coach once a fortnight. It turns out that I am pretty good at this hobby but DH doesnt like it at all. He doesn't want to hear anything about it, he doesn't like my coach (never met him and won't even though I have encouraged him to). He says that it costs too much £60 per month but he easily spends this on himself ie holidays with his friends. I don't have any other hobbies or outgoings and the time that my hobby takes up is done during the following times twice while DD is in preschool, 1 1/2 hours at the weekend and 1hour during a weekday evening.
I know this sounds like an argument over something trivial but I feel like I am not allowed to do anything that he disapproves of. Normally he just gets his own way as I can't bear the arguments but this is something that is important to me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplewithred Fri 18-Jan-13 14:27:25

He is a control freak.

longdays Fri 18-Jan-13 14:28:21

I am considering counselling for myself as he really thinks I am being out of order. Problem is paying for it though as it is joint account and he would be funny about it. There are plenty of other examples but they didn't seem worth the aggro (I think my freind was biting her tongue though).
Thanks for the advice.

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 18-Jan-13 14:29:54

To be blunt - He's an arsehole control freak

pictish Fri 18-Jan-13 14:30:32

Yes he IS a control freak.

He certainly doesn't view you as an equal does he?

lisac99 Fri 18-Jan-13 14:30:33

So normally, as you don't like arguments, you give in and let your Husband have his own way? Therefore the precedent is, when he tells you he's pissed off with something, you do what he wants.

However, when you stand up for yourself, either regarding your hobby or something else, he gets annoyed and arguments happen?

Your Husband is being incredibly controlling and I am amazed you've been able to live with him. The fact that he bemoans £60, yet he spends MORE than this on 'his' things and doesn't seem to think this is unfair is staggering.

Firstly, do NOT give in to him... continue your hobby and talk to him about your hobby. The fact you don't say anything to him suggests you are still trying to
'keep the peace' when really, he should accept and be HAPPY that you're doing things that you enjoy.

Secondly, I would certainly suggest sorting this out, either through counselling or talking to him - I would suggest keeping a record of the things he says or does which you feel is controlling... Maybe a good place to start, especially if you haven't been totally 'clear' as to whether you're overeacting or there is an issue there after all? Sometimes when you write things down, you have a better idea as to who is being unreasonable...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longdays Fri 18-Jan-13 14:33:29

Thankyou everyone. I wasn't sure if I was crazy or not. Have to go and pick DC from school but will check back later.

longdays Fri 18-Jan-13 14:34:26

Ahh I see that I forgot to name change on my phone Lahti an myself are the same person.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jan-13 14:44:41

Jealous, obstructive, unreasonably demanding, argumentative, critical, double-standards.... and a non-sexual affair into the bargain? Sounds like a gold-plated arse to me.

GiveMeSomeSpace Fri 18-Jan-13 14:46:04

Lahti, just curious - have you ever been to Lahti? Sibelius and all that....

VitoCorleone Fri 18-Jan-13 14:56:08

Yep sounds controlling to me

Smellslikecatspee Fri 18-Jan-13 15:02:12

Just some comments on your OP, you can ignore but just have a think.
The first one could have been read either way, if it was something that seriously ate in your free time so that you had no time together, yes in a relationship you would both have the right to raise the lack of together time as an issue. However he said you couldn’t do it, but he could, why was it ok for him to do?
He then had an affair, up to both of you where to go from there.
He said I needed to work really unsociable hours 2pm -1am to reduce the need for childcare (family member) not surprisingly I was exhausted especially as DC was a very poor sleeper

That reads to me that you did all the night times with DC did you? What changes did he make to accommodate the need for childcare?

I eventually persuaded him that I needed to change jobs as I was literally on my knees.

Why did you need to persuade him, yes, again in a partnership you would discuss something like a job change, but ultimately if it was affecting your health he should have seen this and you both should have changed things to help, not just you.

He says that it costs too much £60 per month but he easily spends this on himself i.e. holidays with his friends

Surely you both have equal access to all monies?
If he goes on holidays with his friends, do you get the same time out/away? £60 pounds a month to me is a lot, but how much does he spend on his holidays? I'm guessing more than that

To me from what you have said he is controlling, the last question I have is what do you want to do?

Do you really feel that Relate will help?

Lueji Fri 18-Jan-13 15:18:37

DH was not happy for me to do so but he entered the event himself for the following year. I pointed out that we could do it together but he was adamant that I wasn't going to do it.

So, you didn't enter? Why?

And what Smellslikecatspee said.

And why on earth were you working 2pm -1am??? that's 11 h! Even if it includes commuting...
And getting up in the night...

You should start forbiding him to go on holiday with friends, having hobbies, etc.

akaemmafrost Fri 18-Jan-13 15:22:39

Sounds like one life isn't enough for this man he needs to have two doesn't he? His AND yours. My ex was similar and I could not live that way. I should imagine there is much more going on than you have even posted. He sounds horrendous.

Lahti Fri 18-Jan-13 15:28:20

Givemesomespace Lahti was a holiday destination

Smellslike he said it was his turn to do the event.

I did all night waking a for 2 years (Bfeeding)

Persuading re job because it is 9-5 no unsocial pay

I do have access to money but he can make it seem like I am frivolous (I really am not)

This is my time off (hobby)

The hours in my old job were either 7.30am -6pm or 2pm-1.30am.

Hi Lahti

Am sorry you've ended up being married to a controlling man. You need to be aware if you are not already that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.
This is about power and control; abuse is about power and control.

What has kept you within this till now (fear, obligation, guilt?); many women would have walked away after his EA, let alone the controlling behaviours he shows.

Think carefully about what you want to teach your children about relationships because currently both of you are teaching them damaging lessons. This is an abusive relationship and it will not get better for you.

Ultimately you have to protect your own self and your children from him because he is happy to keep you in the cage he has made for you to live in.
This is no life for you or your children, it really is not.

Have you considered divorcing him?.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He will be in those pages.

Joint counselling is a non starter due to the emotional abuse (no decent counsellor would ever, ever see the two of you together) and Relate may not be of any help at all although you could speak to them alone.

Such men do not change, you did not make him this way and he likely learnt how to control others from either one or both of his parents.

Lahti Fri 18-Jan-13 15:40:19

Attila good Q re why stay? To be honest I don't know don't different and as all my family are quite a distance away no one has commented. His family are close by and obviously they never see this side of him. My friend and I met at baby group and prior to that I didn't really have any close friends. Hmm. Thankyou everyone. I need to get my head straight now.

Lahti Fri 18-Jan-13 15:41:01

Dot know any different (phone)

Lahti Fri 18-Jan-13 16:12:35

The thing is though, although I rarely went out when pregnant and right up until a year ago DH also hardly ever goes out except to see his family. I would be happy for him to do so though. If I take DC out for a few hours to my friends for him to get some peace he says that is my free time as well as the time spent training for my hobby. However when I am training and he has DC he just goes to his mums and reads the paper or watches TV. As he doesn't really have friends is that not his free time as well?He also does his own hobby 7 days a week.

BerylStreep Fri 18-Jan-13 16:13:14

It does sound controlling. How would he respond if you pointed it out? Are things otherwise good?

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 16:14:37

He sounds horrible. Totally, totally horrible.

Would your life actually be any worse for not being with him?

peeriebear Fri 18-Jan-13 16:19:37

Wow. No, this is not normal. He is a bully. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. He is using the fact that you don't know any different to keep you right under his boot. Arm yourself with knowledge!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now