Will keep as brief as possible.
Around 10 years ago I was in a very toxic relationship. Controlling, abusive, violent, aggressive, threatfull, toxic, scary relationship. Towards the end, ex was cheating on me. Relationship came to an end as he left to be with the OW, and he did so in such a cowardly, selfish way. (OW was 7 months pregnant at this point ). They settled down not far from where I live.
Very messy break up. He kept contacting me, even months after his child was born, to the point it was harassment. He would torment me relentlessly and emotionally, beg to rekindle things, tried to bribe me, build a "plan" together where we would run away and so forth.
The whole relationship left me with depression, terrible anxiety problems and huge amounts of daily panic attacks. I would flinch if there was a loud noise, I couldn't cope with crowds and life become almost unbearable.
Eventually, after a long, long time, with the love and support of my family, I cut the final contact and started to move on.
Years later, I met a lovely man, who is now my DH. He is loving, caring, kind, supportive and we have DC together. I feel safe and secure with him. He is my rock. He knows all my past.
Not seen/heard from ex for around 6-7 years.
This morning, for some stupid, stupid reason, I googled ex name. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what possessed me to do it. I'm a fucking idiot. A total total twat.
All his life came up before my eyes. His job, family, children, OW (now wife with subsequent children together), Facebook, LinkIt, Insagram. Everything
It's left me shaking. My hands and feet have been freezing cold ever since. I feel sick and dizzy.
I'm such a fool I just don't know why I did it. I kicked the wasps nest so to speak. WHY?!
Please don't flame me. I know what I did was stupid. I just need to get it off my chest and "tell" someone.
Pressing post now before I bottle out.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Hand holding needed please. I've done something really stupid
notagoodmove · 15/10/2013 16:16
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