Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Paranoid & insecure or justified?

(107 Posts)
FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:23

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

maddy68 Thu 17-Oct-13 06:51:00

Is it possible that he is working in the evening, he's got a new job, feeling majorly pressured and stressed that he is moving house and could fail at his new job. And yes he is handling the communication badly but could you just be being over sensitive as your feeling low after surgery and lonely now he is away?
My oh when he us busy sends texts like .oh dear. If some disaster has befallen me
You said you are using I message. And it's showing delivered not read. That means he hasn't seen them. Could he have poor signal where he is?

I think you need to have a good talk at the weekend.....

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 23:00:02

Yes, speak to your bank. You won't be claiming HB until after you've moved in somewhere anyway. The dog may be a difficulty but not to the point where you're forced to move in with a self-regarding player like this man.

Do you really want to put your DC through this move into the unknown with a man who treats their mum like shit? Or would you rather give them a bit of security and stability where their schools and friends are?

You seem very single-minded about this man. He knows it, and he knows exactly how to play you.

I think you need to give yourself a shake and focus on your real priority - your children's happiness. Not yours, and certainly not his.

Diagonally Fri 04-Oct-13 22:07:31

If you are going to get some equity from your house, can you speak to your bank about whether they can offer a short term loan / overdraft from when you would need to pay first month rent and deposit through to completion?

You don't have to tell a private LL you are in receipt of HB. Don't tell the agents at this stage.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 19:44:53

I thought so.

Cue him no doubt bleating to the OW "Waah! She forced me into having a third child and wouldn't take no for an answer!"

See the patterns here all the time?

Unless a relationship is severely abusive, the people in them make free choices. No-one causes a behaviour choice in another person, when there are always other options available.

It strikes me that because you took far too much responsibility for your previous relationship failures and your exes' choices in them, you've applied the same principle to your current partner's behaviour and his choices, past and present. He had other choices about the way he behaved in previous relationships. He has other choices now. You are not responsible for them and neither were his previous partners.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 19:05:36

Your thought processes seem very influenced by the men you have been/are in relationships with.

In this one, the "compromise" has gone too far the other way, you are actually having the piss taken out of you.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 18:14:26

Good point, Leaven. No contraception was used. He changed his mind. Very grudgingly.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 18:01:21

So if your ex didn't want a third child, did he exercise his choice to use contraception to make sure he didn't become a father again?

Or are you saying that he made a choice to change his mind and have another child?

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 18:00:25

You don't to believe him!
You poor thing.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 17:41:43

Hope....my exH did give into me an awful lot. We had a 3rd baby because I desperately wanted a 3rd. He totally didn't.
I had PND badly and ExH just withdrew from me and I from him. Suspect he was having an affair with a woman he worked with who is now his GF. He now says he never liked me very much because I was so self centred hmm

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 17:00:59

Is that what happened in the marriage you've left? If it was all going your way, why did you leave?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 16:58:31

What I mean Cailin is that he has shown me the power of compromise in a relationship. I have never ever been able to compromise. In previous relationships, I've always been in charge - it's my way or no way & almost every partner I've ever had has complained of me being controlling & selfish. DP has never put up with this shit. If I have a temper tantrum & stamp my feet insisting we do something my way, he rarely (if ever) gives in. I undoubtedly have respected him more because of that.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 16:46:17

Flappy a relationship should be a true partnership of teammates who look out for each other and really enjoy each others' company. Even when there's tough stuff going on good partners are able to put their hand out and say Sorry things are bad,I'm still on your side. If ykur partner is making you worry and doubt then clearly there's something wrong.

You say he's taught you to be less self centred - could you explain what that means?

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 16:34:45

You already know he's not worth the effort, because you've posted on here.
Your doubts are there for a reason.
What's that quote, is it from Alice Walker or someone... When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He has shown you.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 15:19:31

AnyFucker, there's nothing wrong with claiming HB. Nothing at all BUT-there are no private landlords around here that will accept a HB tenant. All the agencies I've spoken to today have practically laughed when I've explained my situation- single mum of 3, no deposit, on HB with a dog.

DP has a very amicable relationship with his exW strangely. They chat, are very friendly & he sees his daughter every other weekend. I often tell him how awful I find his cheating on her. I cannot conceive how he did it. But she has clearly forgiven him so it's not my battle to fight.

I've actually just spoken to him. He says he's coming home tonight. We'll see. I half expect a text in an hour or so to say he's changed his mind before he switches his phone off again.

I don't know what it will take for me to think he's not worth the effort. I really don't. I wish I was stronger.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 15:11:24

What is wrong with claiming housing benefit ? confused

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 13:35:08

Yes but taking the blame for someone else's behaviour is all part of the same issue, where people think they can control whether someone else cheats or not. The he won't cheat on me, our relationship is better than that bargain is all about that, isn't it?

When people believe that trope, it follows that they think it was something about their predecessors' behaviour or the relationships with them that caused the cheating.

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 13:27:05

OP, what you said about being 'the common denominator' and echoed by awakemysoull is truly shocking. You take the blame for someone else's poor behaviour? Why is that then? Are you so special that you can control another human being's responses to you? Haven't you considered that adults are responsible for their OWN behaviour? Is there anyone else who acts poorly because you are around? I doubt it.
The only person you can change or control is YOURSELF.
He's played a number on you here... he sulks because of your behaviour? Do you think he never sulked before? He wasn't 'teaching you to be less self-absorbed' by giving you the cold shoulder!! How is that a loving thing to do to someone?! Stop explaining away his bad behaviour.
And if you really are as bad at relationships as you say you are, OP (your words not mine) then why would you inflict yourself on this guy? See what I mean - looks different when you come at it from that way, doesn't it?
Put yourself and your children first. They've got no choice in this. You have. Find a nicer stepdad for them if you can't live without a man. Don't put them into a situation which is already going badly wrong.

Madeleine10 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:00:06

*I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.*

Couldn't agree more with what tessa says.

Oh.. and don't text him back at all.
Just wait and see how long it takes him to communicate with you.
While he's away and stressed, you should be the first thing on his mind once he's had a chance to unwind.
He is 100 miles away from and he should be missing you and thinking about you.
I know if I'm away, when I get back to my hotel room the first thing I want to hear is my OH or my DD voice and a nice normal chat away from work and work problems. (and yes I do realise not everyone is like this) But just something to think about.
If you were away I bet the first thing you would to do after a hard is talk to him!!!

Madeleine10 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:58:16

Do what you can this weekend flappy to talk to him. Keep some of the things that have been said on this thread at the back of your mind when and if you do manage to actual have a conversation - I think it might help you see certain things more clearly .

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as they say, but don't assume anything yet.

Of course you will cope.
You've been through worse!
You have 2 lovely children to look after and you need to make sure they are your top priority. Not this 'bloke'!!
Call CAB and see what your options are.

Flappy

This bloke was never your project to rescue and or save. I do wonder whether you have any rescuer and or saving tendencies because they need to be dragged right back now. You simply cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

tessa6 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:51:23

And already known to cheat...

Flappy

Join is spot on.

Denial is a powerful force but you need to see this for what this really is.

Your children do not need such a poor role model for a stepfather.
Even if this bloke knew what love is (which I very much doubt) he has a very poor relationship history. You will be treated exactly the same as they were and I am sure too they would put you straight as well.
This person as well only cares about his own self.

Never let yourself be taken to a second location; doing that puts you and by turn your children completely in his power then. You will be really up the creek without a paddle.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this frankly piss poor role model of one?.

tessa6 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:50:33

I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.

Also he is working very far and becoming detached from you. Listen if you start to hear alarm bells in the distance.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now