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I want to die

(56 Posts)
maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 13:07:07

I have nc for this. I want to kill myself all I think about is how many pills I have. The reason I want to kill myself is because I have type 1 bipolar and on my last episode started a affair with my best friend. The problem is not only did I fall in love but discovered he has loved me since I was 13.

This affair is continuing and I still love my DH but the thought of choosing between my best friend who I love very much and my DH is making me want to kill myself so I don't have to. I also hate myself for lying to my dh and have stopped my meds as I don't deserve to feel well which means I'm depressed and the voices are back telling me to kill myself.

I hate what I am doing so much, I hate lying to dh and I just want to die

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 15:35:43

Have you had any assistance with the children over the summer, maniclady? The school holiday can seem very long!

Also, it must be tricky keeping three children of such different ages occupied and entertained.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 15:38:34

No I haven't and two have sn. My mum has had them on the odd day and I go out every other week but that's it.

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 15:52:12

Really glad you are seeking help now. All of the other stuff can be sorted later. Keep thinking of your lovely children - they deserve to have their mum.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 15:55:22

Wow, you must be absolutely worn out, especially with this hot weather. Obviously the 7yo goes to school (in term-time), but does the 4yo attend nursery/pre-school?

Will you get a chance to relax on holiday, or will that be even more hard work?

Lweji Fri 23-Aug-13 15:56:56

It is tough, and one more reason why you can't stop taking your meds.

Your children need you. They are far more important than your husband or your friend. Both will also suffer if you go.

Face it. Someone will (may) be disappointed in you. So what?
You are not perfect. Neither are they. None of us are, and we all make mistakes.

You can call off your affair, at least the physical part, and get some head space to find out what you want.

Does your husband give you days off with the children?

In any case, keep talking. Here or the Samaritans.
Ideally your mother and husband too, so that they can give you enough support.
Tell them you need them, you need help.
The worst you can do is shut down from those close to you.

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 16:13:56

Yes keep talking. You will get through this, sweet. Hope your mum has finally got to your house?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 16:17:13

Yeah I'm at the doctors waiting to be seen will respond more fully when I'm home.

str8tothepoint Fri 23-Aug-13 16:23:45

You can't be in love with 2 people. Don't panic you've just got to take a break from OP and go see or talk to your counsellor ASAP. Just relax it will all be ok x

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 16:44:34

At the doctors . . . well done, maniclady! Hope you start to feel calmer very soon.

changeforthebetter Fri 23-Aug-13 16:49:18

So glad you got to the doctors. Take care brew

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 17:56:29

Thanks for all the messages I have agreed to take my meds and cpn will increase her visits.

VoiceOfRaisin Fri 23-Aug-13 18:01:08

Well done, Maniclady. Make sure you do just that. You will feel different and think more clearly once you have stabilised your mood.

As for the affair, try to put it to the back of your mind for now and concentrate on getting well and being a good mum. It will all wait. You will not be the first, or indeed the last, woman to be struggling with a dilemma in love. It's never as bad as you think. It always works out somehow. xxxxx

PookyWooky Fri 23-Aug-13 19:12:27

What Voice said.

Glad you got the help you needed. Please post on here if you ever feel you need to talk - there are lots of friendly people and lots of great advice. Never feel alone xx

Miniph Fri 23-Aug-13 19:44:19

I had to reply to your post (usually a lurker) because I've been in a similar position myself (bipolar and high, starting an affair and then crashing into depression) I ended up in hospital after od'ing.

I felt like it was an impossible situation, I desperately didn't want to hurt anyone - was terrified of ending the affair even though I knew (when not manic) that I wanted to be with my husband.

I'm so glad you are getting some support from your Mum / CPN. I think you need to tell your friend that you need a break from him to get yourself well and then when your mood is more level you can make some decision about where you go next in your relationships.

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:52:43

Miniph thank you so m

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:53:05

Oops posted to soon thank y

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 19:57:13

Oops posted too soon thank you so much for posting your story.It means a lot I think you are right in that I need to wait till I am well to make a decision and should take a break for now.

AKVS Fri 23-Aug-13 21:58:07

Sweety just come down and breath.
I know you r upset now and there is lots on your mind but put it aside for a moment and focus on yourself and your health. Ask for help, get help.
Be strong.
There is always a way out of everything...
Please just get help.

LadyMud Fri 23-Aug-13 22:52:59

So maniclady, you are not the only one this has happened to, are you? And maybe next year, you'll be back here, but advising someone else how to cope.

Are you receiving any other help at the moment, such as CBT? My friend found it really useful.

Isabeller Fri 23-Aug-13 23:01:31

This is a test of your courage and strength, you know who and what gives you most courage and strength and what will help you silence or quieten the disturbing upsetting thoughts.

Good luck in keeping your feet on the ground. If you do the things which have helped you feel better in the past you will be able to work out how to deal with your very difficult real life problems.

Can you believe that you are very much loved and valued even though you may not feel loveable at the moment?

maniclady Fri 23-Aug-13 23:32:38

Ladymud no I'm not receiving any other help at the moment but I have in the past.

Isabella I can see I'm very loved but at the moment it's suffocating and I feel like leaving both till I can clear up how I feel.

LadyMud Sun 25-Aug-13 20:52:00

You did a very brave thing the other day, maniclady - you admitted that you weren't coping, and asked for help.

How are you feeling now? A bit more in control, perhaps? xxx

maniclady Mon 26-Aug-13 19:39:30

I only just saw your moist lady mud and though I would uprdate. I have been feeling less suicidal but I'm still not right.

I have been going out till 4am some mornings with my friend which says I'm slightly manic. Don't judge my friend to harshly for years he has turned me down even if I strip off naked and lie in his bed waiting for him. The reason this time was different is he is recently bereaved, had a recent suicide attempt and is depressed himself.

So he is not thinking clearly himself. Which is even more reason I don't want to hurt him.

maniclady Mon 26-Aug-13 19:40:09

Post not moist sorry

marimeifod Mon 26-Aug-13 19:47:42

Maniclady, well done on remaining strong these last few nights, you have done the right thing posting on here and in all your actions seeking help. PLEASE, PLEASE, if you find yourself having thoughts of harming yourself/taking your life or are struggling to keep yourself safe, attend A&E (if you can't get there yourself, call an ambulance) and ask to speak to the Crisis team or whatever the equivalent in your area is. Be honest with yourself and with those who are helping/supporting you about how you are feeling and what you think you need to start recovering/feeling better. Remember these things take time as well, don't lose hope.
Warmest wishes to you.

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