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dp always busy in the evening but when I am he pouts

(101 Posts)
tygertygerburningbright Mon 22-Jul-13 18:44:08

Dp plays football five nights a week. He doesn't play on Wednesdays, but that is the one night every week that ds is with his dad so I have a chance to get out of the house and catch up with my friends.

Obviously I don't go out every Wednesday because mostly I want to see dp as I only see him for about an hour after football before I have to go to bed.

However, some weeks I want to go out with my friends or see a film or something with them. Dp has just joined his fifth football team so now most nights he has double training sessions as well as daytime matches on the weekends. I do not begrudge him his hobby at all, and would not dream of asking him to stop.

But when I mention I am going out on Wednesday so won't see him he kind of pouts and seems grumpy like im choosing not to see him.

It is unlucky that things are arranged thus way. I don't even know why I posted this really, there's no solution really. He just left for football after a conversation about this and I feel sad sad

He plays for more than one county? hmm

Bloody hell, how much traveling does this bloke do?

He's not playing on Saturdays now, really? hmm.

Most football mad men love w/e football more than PL stuff, I'm amazed he agreed to give it up on your instruction.

StillSeekingSpike Tue 23-Jul-13 20:19:25

It's kind of funny/ tragic that he can't make the effort to see you but he can make damn sure his kit gets dropped off and picked up....

I can see you becoming the next 'Ex Girlfriend who was Really Controlling and Never Let me Do Anything' to some other poor mug with a nice house and good laundry skills.....

How old is this manchild?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 19:51:15

YYYYY Fairenuff !

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 19:40:56

Sounds like you are getting there, time will tell. Try not to refer to housework as 'helping' you though. He is not 'mummy's little helper' he is an adult who needs clean clothes - so he needs to wash and iron them, who needs to eat - so he needs to shop for food and cook it, etc.

He is not helping you, he is taking care of himself.

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 16:50:28

He has quit two teams so it will be three nights a week now. And I put my foot down and said no Saturday matches.

I showed him a few comments on this thread re the housework/contribution thing. He wasn't happy at first and did say I was always 'having a go' but we had a long chat and he does seem to see it from my point of view more. I told him he has to learn all these skills sooner or later and if he wants to be with me he had better learn them now. I think it was a bit of a culture shock to him that I expected him to help out, because as you have all said, he hasn't had to lift a finger before.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 23-Jul-13 15:39:27

Well that's a good start OP. He doesn't have to love it - after all, do any of us sing and dance with delight at having to make the beds or go to the shops? The key is to just ignore his faces and treat it as if him doing stuff, i.e. participating in the household in which he spends most of his time, is normal.

Have you got an answer on how many nights/days a week he'll be at football yet?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Tue 23-Jul-13 14:03:04

Gosh you guys are very difficult to please.

And you seemed too easily pleased OP sad - so is great to see the penny has dropped for you and that you realise you are worth so much more. I think Fairenuff's advice is spot on, but I do fear he is going to start treating you as a "nag" because people who have reached adulthood as freeloaders always do when someone calls them on it.

And you know what? If he does, it won't matter, because you already know you don't want, need, require or deserve a cocklodger in your life (which is what he is) and you will G.E.T. R.I.D. Isn't that right OP?

flowers flowers flowers

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 13:54:19

Yes, don't try to teach him. Don't show him how to work the washing machine. He can figure it out for himself or he can go and ask his mum.

Also, if he is at yours most of the time, tell him that you expect him to provide a family meal, say, three times a week. If it doesn't fit in with his schedule he will have to adjust his schedule won't he. If he doesn't then you know where his priorities lie.

All his actions will tell you want kind of a man his is. He has a great opportunity to mature here, it's up to him if he takes it or not.

Can I give you a bit of advice?
You can't re-parent a partner. You can't teach them to be independent and self sufficient and contribute if they have reached adulthood never being taught so by their parents. People can work it out on their own rarely but you as his partner cannot teach him the things his mother didn't.

DPotter Tue 23-Jul-13 12:29:03

Tyger tyger
Good for you - I agree with Fairenuff too
Good luck

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 23-Jul-13 12:19:44

OK, some progress in cutting back the number of teams. Some good next steps would be:

- he contributes towards the food bills (and does some cooking, preferably)

- he contributes towards the cost of laundry tabs etc and does his own kit washing (should be easy if he is not working during the day at the moment)

- you make a regular thing of going out with your friends on Wednesday. That is yourtime. Don't think you can't now do this because he has cut down his teams.

-he clears up the mess he makes around your house

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 23-Jul-13 12:19:00

tygertyger - in your own words 'i guess years of this would wear me down'. You are spot on. It will.

someone who huffs because you have made plans for a night that he is free when that very same person makes plans for pretty much every other night of the week is selfish, controlling and likes things their own way. his behaviour is childish and unreasonable in the extreme.

don't fall into the trap of doing everything for him because he's a 'guest' at yours. can you imagine if the situation were reversed, would he be running around after you? (not that you would need or expect him to). grrrr.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 12:08:24

Agree with fairenuff, don't tell him how to behave, it's not your job to teach him. As great as it is that others have taught things like how to cook, clean and use a washing machine to their ds's, most things you can work out for yourself, but you have to realise they need to be done by you. I think the "half moved in" thing isn't working for you, a real guest wouldnt sleep in until 1pm, a real partner wouldn't need to be asked to do housework.

Good luck with your talks!

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:58:47

Good on you tyger. Have a chat with him and explain that you want to have an equal relationship with a capable man. Don't tell him what to do, tell him what you want. Can you see the difference?

You cannot tell other adults what to do, they have to make those choices for themselves. So you say, I want a man who will set an alarm clock to wake up at a reasonable time and get some jobs done around the house, for example.

If he doesn't do things off his own back, don't 'nag' him, just tell him he's not the man for you after all. Not mature enough. If he wants to stay with you, he will make the effort, believe me.

If he doesn't make the effort, he is just using you as a convenience.

Twinklestein Tue 23-Jul-13 11:52:27

If you want this relationship to progress you're going to have a job to step back from all this mothering to splitting things 50:50.

It's not actually your job to teach him to become self-sufficient; & he may well feel hard done by & slightly outraged because he's used to his mum doing it all.

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:41:21

I am not doing the same. There is no way in he'll my son will grow up thinking that.

I appreciate that I have made a mistake allowing dp to think this is the way things are going to be but I assure you they will not continue as they have been.

Your son is going to grow up thinking men get to sleep all day, while women service them and pamper them. They dont have to work, they spend time playing football or sleeping.

What are you thinking, choosing such a role model for your child?

Dont blame his mum, you are doing the same!

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:36:49

I agree completely. I'm baffled by his complete lack of life skills and I find it very hard to respect his mother.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:33:44

tyger by the time my ds was 12 he could do everything that I can do, except drive the car. He even did voluntary work as a peer mentor at a youth club. Now he is 14 and I am confident that he can take care of himself and run a house.

He can get a weeks worth of shopping for a family of four, by planning meals, choosing the best value and checking for use by dates. He can cook and bake and clear up after himself. He uses the washing machine, irons his clothes and recently redecorated his bedroom.

These are the tools we should give our children so that they can be competent and self-sufficient in the world when they become adults. It does wonders for their self esteem too.

It's a shame that so many women continue to baby their sons. They are not doing them any favours and I think it's more about satisfying their own need to feel loved and useful. And it keeps their sons at home for longer, depending on them for food and clean clothes. But it's not really healthy or what's best for the child.

tygertygerburningbright Tue 23-Jul-13 11:18:18

Well I thought he was an adult..

I obviously didnt realise the extent of his mother's babying him until recently.

But yeah I guess I was doing it all because he was a 'guest' in my house and im used to doing it all myself anyway.

I woke him up and made him put the washing out and clean the garden..

He doesn't seem especially pleased...

But surely he will have to learn how to look after himself sooner or later?

Honestly I dont know how people bring up their sons to be so lazy and entitled. I sure as hell am not going to let DS turn out like that.

SquidgyMummy Tue 23-Jul-13 11:00:06

Op, you do now realise that you are a mug?
His last gf didn't put up with it, which is why she is now an Ex.
Good that you are going to stop babying him, but be prepared for him to dump you and find another mummy figure

colditz Tue 23-Jul-13 10:39:48

Oh dear.

Personally, I like dating adults.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 10:37:59

very clever really, because he doesn't live at your house, so he doesn't have to do the work involved in running the house, and at 'home' he's still treated like a child, so noone expects him to be a grown up. As you were used to doing all the housework yourself, you didn't notice he wasnt pitching in, and anyway, he's a guest - but guests don't turn up when they fancy it and don't sleep in until 1pm.

Ezio Tue 23-Jul-13 10:30:27

Bright, you do realise your dating a teenager right, is this the man you really want as your sons role model?

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