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Can I forgive this much deceit?

(708 Posts)
alphacourse Tue 25-Jun-13 06:45:07

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 02-Sep-13 21:16:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumat39 Fri 06-Sep-13 17:27:38

Hi Alpha

I hope you and your dc are ok?

Still thinking of you and still here for you if you need someone to 'talk' to.

Xxx

alphacourse Fri 06-Sep-13 20:45:01

Hi there. Sorry for the radio silence - been mulling things over. I went to see the counsellor on my own. We chatted for an hour, and I told her that I wanted to work on my boundaries for the future, and also that I was concerned that I had become codependant at some point, with him tempermental behaviour. I would be interested to find out why I allowed that to happen. I have looked at a few houses this week - but there is nothing suitable around at the moment. I have spoken to wankbadger and agreed that I will stay here for a few more months. His behaviour is erratic now. I worry that he is losing the plot. I have managed to distance myself a bit more emotionally, which is a relief. Pain still hits me in waves, but the crash doesn't sting quite so much now I think. I haven't had any test results back yet from neurology. Apparently the EEG and MRI results go to my neurologist and then she will make an app for me to discuss them. I can't remember whether I have mentioned on thread about my bleeding? I have bled constantly since the beginning of May. Prior to May I had 2 inconclusive smears back, and they wanted me to go back in when I stopped bleeding. Obv I haven't been back yet, but I think I will have to at least go in and chat about it. I am also eating like a horse but still losing weight. I am 5ft 10 and now weight 8st 10lb.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 06-Sep-13 21:03:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Fri 06-Sep-13 21:52:56

Yes, get thee to the doc. You need to look after yourself properly now.

mumat39 Sat 07-Sep-13 00:54:54

Oh alpha, you've got so much on your plate just now.

Are you sleeping well?

Please go and see your gp. I have a feeling that breast feeding can sometimes cause bleeding, but you need to get checked out so you don't become anaemic.

It's good that you're taking the time to just mull things over. That's probably what's helping to take the sting out of this rollercoaster. Quiet contemplation is good or the soul, but also, try not o deal with everything by yourself.

Now that the idiot is out of the house, could you get some help with an au pair or someone who could help a little with housework and the kids.

I hope the counselling is helping. It sounds like you know what you need to get out of it, and I think it's great that your in there dealing with your own stuff, rather than the idiots stuff if that makes sense.

Thanks for posting back. It's ood to know you're still there. But remember we are still here too so if you need to rant or just 'chat' we're all still here for you, whenever you need us.

Fingers crossed you get the results back soon and that everything is okay.

Look after yourself, and ask your lovely Dc's to give you a big cuddle from me.

Take care. Xxx

mumat39 Sat 07-Sep-13 00:56:09

You're not your. blush

Mosman Wed 11-Sep-13 02:53:33

How are you Alpha, thinking about you

Wellwobbly Thu 12-Sep-13 18:57:55

Are you OK, Alpha?

alphacourse Thu 12-Sep-13 19:44:32

Thank you so much for still thinking of me. I'm doing ok. Been busy applying for a Masters - 10 weekends a year over 4 years. He is paying. Things seem to be settling into a sort of routine. He is coming here to bath DC2 and DC3 and then goes. He takes the kids out for some of the weekend. This works well for me at the minute as there is less disprution for the kids, and unless he has all 3 it doesn't help me for 1 to go! Emotionally, I'm far more stable now. You were right - it is easier when he is not here. I do miss him though. I am less angry and upset now - just disappointed in him as a person, and the weak self-indulgent choices he made. I will stick with the couples therapy - if nothing else it will help our co-parenting. I have made quite a few plans to go out etx, and what with the Masters, feel like I am moving forward. He still seems paralysed and terrified.

Wellwobbly Thu 12-Sep-13 19:50:41

How did the counselling go? What issues are they focussing on?

ProphetOfDoom Thu 12-Sep-13 19:54:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 12-Sep-13 19:54:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Thu 12-Sep-13 21:50:50

Hi there, Alpha. So glad your stress is abating. Hope your other symptoms do too, and you are given the all clear.

Missing your ex is very understandable. You will probably go through the whole gamut of emotions over the next months; again entirely reasonable and normal. Hard though. We'll be thinking of you. Hope your counsellor helps. It will get easier.

alphacourse Thu 12-Sep-13 22:29:30

Thank you for your support - I really appreciate your kind words. The MA is in Transactional Analysis, with the current aim to specialise in forensic analysis (ie offenders). Hope I get through the interview process! Still haven't had my neurology results, but listened to your stern words and have a scan this week regarding the bleeding.

The counselling went well. We had the joint session, and I have had my individual session. During my session I said I wanted to work on why I had tolerated his anger and controlling. That it was very much out of character for me. She said that she would want him to have individual counselling, anger management and also some group therapy. She made me laugh quite a bit - she had him sussed in many ways. Her ending words were "They are so disappointing how they deal with it aren't they? So text book with the denial and minimising etc? It would be so much easier to respect them if they could be damned ORIGINAL in how they dealt with the aftermath". I liked her grin

Jux Thu 12-Sep-13 23:32:00

Your counsellor sounds great! What a woman; we need more like that! How was the joint session? I can see him sabotaging that after a few, or refusing to go any more.

Glad you're having a scan. Hope your neurology results come quickly.

TA is fascinating. Good luck with it.

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 11:22:53

You are lucky Alpha.

My H's counsellor, when he told her he was back in touch with OW, talked about how OW had forgiven him.

WTAF? Enabling, some? Where was the 'in what way has your inflated opinion of yourself, caused you very real problems in your life?'

alphacourse Fri 13-Sep-13 11:39:17

I know! I have to say I researched her well beforehand - she has been on TV and radio etc and specialises in his 'issues'.

The joint session was good - but just an intro really. Looking forward to the next one. Just found out that he has been looking on my friends phone and read my messages to her. Cheek!

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 11:48:26

Please keep us informed of counselling feedback Alpha if that is not too much trouble. It would so help the rest of us...

Jux Fri 13-Sep-13 14:04:33

shock at his cheek. Why did your friend let him do that? Did he hoodwink her, or is she just not very loyal to you?

alphacourse Sat 14-Sep-13 15:43:51

Neither! She works for us. He saw her put her password into her phone and looked at it when she left it in the office!!!

Jux Sat 14-Sep-13 19:35:25

shockshock Oh that's seriously unacceptable behaviour. It's not cheek, it's deranged. Does she know he's been prying into her phone?

Make sure you tell the counsellor at your next session.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 14-Sep-13 19:47:49

"She works for us. He saw her put her password into her phone and looked at it when she left it in the office!!!"

That is deeply immoral and all sort of illegal.

He is a dangerous man and you can NEVER trust someone who would overstep those kinds of boundaries.

Your counselling is a total waste of time.

alphacourse Thu 19-Sep-13 22:09:13

Had my interview today - got on the course! Whooooop!!

AnyFucker Germany Thu 19-Sep-13 22:13:44

Congratulations ! x

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