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Relationships

He's left me

47 replies

Ls271082 · 02/06/2013 16:22

My bf off a year and half has just left me stating I can't give him what he needs and gone back to his ex wife. By this he means talking to my ex husband (who I was married to previously for 4 years) about selling the house we own together. He says I've never picked him over my ex and I've begged and pleaded with him, saying I love him, it's him I want and I will have the conversation when I'm ready. But it's not enough. I told him I haven't done it yet because of pregnancy (25weeks) and don't want the stress of all that and I'm also struggling with prenatal depression (on medication and receiving psychiatric support weekly) so just have not felt able to deal with sorting out house, finances. Have explained this to bf and rightly so I guess, he just stated 'what was your excuse before you we're pregnant'. He says he knows I'm not holding on because I want ex husband back but has left anyway saying he's sad he's wasted a year and half of his life with me, neglecting his own son (from previous marriage). Am totally heartbroken, he's always going on about how stress can cause ADHD etc in unborn children and he's gone ad caused me the most stress ever. He's not blocked my mobile number, blocked fb and twitter and completely cut me out of his life. I'm devastated. Crying non stop, I don't want to spk/see anyone and can't see how I'll ever get over this. Friends have said focus on pregnancy and doing best by her, but can't cope with life atm. He's finished with me countless times but never gone back to ex or blocked me etc and I've always took him back. I just really want him back.

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tribpot · 02/06/2013 16:33

I've begged and pleaded with him, saying I love him, it's him I want and I will have the conversation when I'm ready. But it's not enough.

You're wasting your breath and your energy. He obviously feeds off your desperation to hang on to him - you say he's finished with me countless times. He clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I'm sorry to say, and all he's done is wreck your self-esteem and your head over the course of the last 18 months.

It's also notable that he's buggered off on what appears to be a more permanent basis at the point where you are in genuine need of support, dealing with ante-natal depression - I don't think that's a coincidence.

I know it doesn't seem like it but he's done you a favour. If he came back he would only escalate things even more in the run up to the birth. This way you can try and get things relatively calm and sorted before the baby comes.

Chin up, and ignore his bollocks about stress causing ADHD. Be kind to yourself and let your friends help you.

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toffeelolly · 02/06/2013 16:44

So sorry ls27, but do not make yourself ill over this man. If he came back now it sound's like it would only be matter of time were he could walk out again, have you got good friend's and family? The stress is not good for you and baby, and he is talking crap about stress causing ADHD. Look after yourself and your little one.

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Xales · 02/06/2013 16:47

The more you beg and plead him the more contempt he will have for you and the more he will treat you like something he stepped in.

He has finished with you countless times in a year and a half. Why do you want this back? How shit is this relationship to be like this?

Why do you not think you deserve better?

You have to stop letting him come back. It is bad enough for you now it will be shit, confusing and hell for your child when it is old enough to see all this.

I know it is easier said than done but you have to say enough is enough. He has gone back to his ex. Consider him now in a relationship with her not you. You do need to let go and move on as this is never going to get any better.

Make sure you block all methods of communication so you are not waiting for him to get in contact.

Once your child is born then sort out finances and contact if he can be bothered.

/hugs

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badinage · 02/06/2013 17:03

He's gone back to his ex wife, yet he says you're still hung up on your ex?

How does that work then?

Isn't that what they call projection?

What's the backstory here? Did you both leave your exes for eachother?

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Ls271082 · 02/06/2013 17:29

He left his wife for me, I had left my ex husband before I'd met him x

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Doha · 02/06/2013 17:33

So you were the OW ???

What goes around comes around----You got what you deserve!!!!

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nowwhat · 02/06/2013 18:50

Really helpful Doha honestly.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, but like another poster said don't make yourself ill over him. If he's capable of treating you like that then he isn't worth it anyway surely?

You need to concentrate on yourself at the moment. You'll be much better off without the stress of trying to 'keep' him.

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hobbknob · 02/06/2013 18:54

Doha that is not helpful. OP is a pregnant woman with depression and you say things like that!?!

OP. This man doesn't love you. Your begging is what he wants. If he does come back, it won't be for long and you'll be constantly worried about him leaving again, that is no way to live your life, or to bring a baby into the world.

Pick yourself up and make plans for how you are going to get through the next few months. Do you have family or friends who you can talk to? Will they help you to get through this? Are you able today the bills ok by yourself?

Be kind to yourself. I suspect one day you will look at him leaving as the best things that could have happened.

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oopsadaisymaisy · 02/06/2013 18:58

Doha, that's an awful thing to say to someone who is clearly suffering. Let's hope that doesn't bring you bad karma. No one deserves a kicking when they're down. OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, especially when you're pregnant. I'm sure you already know that this man is never going to be good for you. He sounds vile. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will most definitely improve and your life will be so much better without him. You have the joy of a new life to love and nothing will touch that feeling. I hope you have real life friends who can support you. Please believe it when people on here say you're better off without him because it is absolutes true. I also think you need a little work on your self esteem. You're worth so much more than this. Good luck.

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Xales · 02/06/2013 19:02

Did you have a relationship with him before he left his wife? Or did he meet you tell his wife he had left and then start a relationship with you?

Because if the first then what else did you expect? If he was capable of cheating on his wife with you why do you think he would respect or treat you any better? You did in that case get the man you deserve.

It sounds like he has decided that the wife was better for him and your charms have worn off now that you are pregnant and not the fun free thing any more.

Use this as a learning curve. Cut all contact and find a decent free man when you are ready not one who is happy to cheat on his family and fuck up two sets (his wife and kid plus you and the baby to be).

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/06/2013 19:06

Why do you want him back?

You describe a man who treats you like shit and who screwed his wife over to be with you in the first place.

He's not a catch.

I don't suppose he thought there was a significant amount of money coming your way, did he?

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Januarymadness · 02/06/2013 19:31

He is the a hole here. He is the one who cheated on his wife and he is the one who has run out on a pregnant woman and is blaming her. I can only assume nothing is ever his fault in his mind.

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pinkbear82 · 02/06/2013 19:41

You need to focus on you and baby now. You are the two most important things - you need to do whatever gets you thru the days one at a time.

I too am pregnant, suffer from depression and 6 weeks ago my DP was sent to prison for something stupid from years ago. My due date is two days away. I'm not saying he should pay for what he did, but the timing couldn't be worse. I never imagined starting out like this - but I've had to carry on for baby, and you must too.

It won't be easy, some days will be horrid, but tomorrow is a new day. Sort what you can to feel in control and take it a day at a time - you will get thru this.

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Ls271082 · 02/06/2013 19:43

He left her to begin a relationship with me. Nothing happened whilst they were married. He says its my fault or omething ive done everytime. Always. He always puts everything on me and I think he's right.

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/06/2013 19:45

And whilever you think like that, you will continue to chase after him while he continues to treat you with contempt.

I hope that one day you feel you are worth more than that.

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Januarymadness · 02/06/2013 19:48

Thats the depression talking. He has run out on you. He told you by TEXT and it is alrwady sorted with his ex. You think this was all sorted on the spur of the moment?

Why is it his problem what you do with your house? What do you think he wants from you?

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Ls271082 · 02/06/2013 19:55

He's just said that he wants me to have a conversation ith my ex about the house and i haven't/won't and I won't put him first and take into account what he needs me to do and I've never picked him over ex

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littlemisssarcastic · 02/06/2013 19:58

How long had he been seeing his ex before he left? Have they resumed their relationship or is he just staying there?

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Doha · 02/06/2013 20:01

Wasn't saying it to helpful--just being honest on an internet forum.

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Januarymadness · 02/06/2013 20:04

Why does he need you to do that right now? It is an excuse. He wants out and he doesnt want the blame.

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Ls271082 · 02/06/2013 20:07

As far as I know he's resumed relationship with her. He said he's going to try and sort things out with her as I've never shown him I want him or had the conversation he desperately wants me to have. I don't know why right now, said he's been asking me since xmas

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MissStrawberry · 02/06/2013 20:12

He wants you to pick him? WTF would you. He is a complete baby. With an actual baby coming in a few months who needs his/her mum to be settled and stable so sort out legal stuff and accept your relationship with the baby's father is over.

You haven't been together that long and yet he has left you numerous times. Don't try and cling onto someone who is not a decent person.

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littlemisssarcastic · 02/06/2013 20:13

So he's cheated on you? I can't imagine he packed his bags and then asked his ex wife to sort things out whilst he was on the drive over there. He's obviously been cooking this up for weeks, and I'd imagine his ex wife has known for longer than you that he wanted to resume his marriage where he left off.

So he is a liar, a cheat, manipulates the situation so it's your fault, accuses you of putting your ex before him, then leaves you pregnant and depressed while he swans off back to his ex wife?

Remind me why you want him back again?

I'm struggling to understand why his ex wife has agreed to resume their relationship, but that's not what this thread is about.

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littlemisssarcastic · 02/06/2013 20:14

And what has happened on the previous times he has left you?

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FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 02/06/2013 20:19

Is he motivated or worried about money? I expect that he had to pay for his children maintenance and was hoping to cash in on the sale of your assets.

Sounds like it to me.

I am very sorry for you. I am not sure that he wants to be with you. He seems to just want to limit expenses.

What more proof did he want that you had chosen him? You are having a child by him.

Your friends are correct, concentrate on your pregnancy. Do speak to as many people as you can in RL to get support.

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