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Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

(226 Posts)
HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 14:36:42

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we’d do, having more kids … but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it’s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work …
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can’t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

HeySoulSister Wed 22-May-13 14:39:33

I would get out of the marriage first I think. then take it from there...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 14:43:14

Oh dear, be prepared for a flaming. Not from me I hasten to add... too long and colourful a past to judge anyone else too harshly.

What I am going to say therefore is 'please stop'. Just stop. There is no good outcome to this situation if you carry on like some giddy schoolgirl. You have to call time on the affair and decide honestly what to do about your marriage. 'Nothing' is not a valid answer. You either have to be honest with your DH and part ways or you have to commit to making your marriage work. There is no third way.

If this other person has any respect for you whatsoever they will back off and let you make this decision first rather than keep pressing for a relationship which is currently wrong on so many levels.

Only when you've properly decided how to take things forward at home can you even think about how the future looks. At the moment you're throwing in your lot with someone on very shaky grounds and there are too many people involved on all sides.

Lucylloyd13 Wed 22-May-13 14:45:06

There will be a price to pay. An outraged husband, a furious wife, grandparents and three bewildered children.

That does not mean that either of you should endure unhappy marriages, it is to say that at the moment you have the joy of texts, with none of the consequences.

I am curious that in the circumstances you have not had sex.

BurtNo Wed 22-May-13 14:48:35

resenting your children for preventing you from running off with another man - really???

scaevola Wed 22-May-13 14:49:52

It's decision time.

There are two possible courses of action

a) break of contact with your affair partner and work on improving your marriage
b) end you marriage now, and go forward into a different future, possibly with this other man. But do stop contacting the man until you are properly separated.

There are other options, but they are likely to be much messier and bring greater pain. And will probably lead to either a or b anyhow.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 14:53:24

I know you're right ... I know I should work on my marriage as that what's best for the kids in the long run and I could NOT bear to hurt them. My Dad left my Mum and the whole family has suffered the consequences for years.
I just don't know if I have the courage to wean myself off this other guy.

scaevola Wed 22-May-13 14:54:29

Weaning off won't work.

No contact might.

tomorowisanotherday Wed 22-May-13 14:55:17

please end one relationship. It matters not one jot (to me) which one! but you must finish it with one before you move on. its the only way to be fair to everyone involved.

Children are adaptable and will adapt to any situation once things begin to settle. IMHO its the unsettlement that damages kids. its the hearing one thing but seeing another that unnerves them. they lose trust in the adults around them and thats never good.

Noone can help thier feelings, and you cant do anything about your feelings, but you can control how you act (or dont act)

LadyBigtoes Wed 22-May-13 14:55:49

I know he really feels like your soulmate, but remember he might not be. He might be a bastard who has serial affairs and makes all his mistresses feel like you do now. He might be simply exciting in the circumstances, and not if you settled down with him. He might be crap in bed! Either way, both of you are being unfaithful, and that makes neither of you a very good bet.

At least stop for the time being and try to clear your head.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:57:14

You haven't actually said anything much about your marriage. Was it unhappy before you met up with the other man?

Weegiemum Wed 22-May-13 14:57:34

You have to have the courage.

My mother had an affair with my Dad's friend and left with him. They're still married, I'm still in therapy (at 42!).

Sort it out properly. You're the grown-up, you owe it to everyone, especially your dc, to act like one.

My mother became so disengaged its almost 9 years since I spoke to her.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 14:57:57

leave the kids with their wonderful daddy and go off ?
they will manage... they can have a happy life, you could see them every other weekend...

it is an option .

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 22-May-13 14:58:34

If he is your "soulmate" and you really are in love with each other, then tell your husband and end your marriage.

Your husband will still be a "wonderful father" if he isn't married to you.

You need to think logically though as well. Distance? Houses? Children?

As Cog says, you will get some harsh replies for posting this. (not from me either smile) but do sit down and do some thinking.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 14:59:41

if you are not "present" with the kids now, looking at them, resenting them already, then they are suffering now...so do one thing or another but dont stay in limbo. be honest.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 14:59:56

This will sound crazy, but it isn't obvious that it's unhappy now ... that is, I'm playing the part of the good wife and DH is oblivious and we don't argue and we agree on the important things like parenting decisions and so on.
I think I was feeling very bored, trapped and unhappy (though DH doesn't know any of this) when I got in touch with the other guy and then having got in touch we fell back in love ...

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Wed 22-May-13 15:01:19

Is he married btw?

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:01:20

Definitely not resenting the kids already - am more attentive than ever with them as I'm just feeling so guilty all the time so am kind of compensating for something I haven't even done yet!!

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:02:03

Yes he's married.

Snorbs Wed 22-May-13 15:04:24

We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we’d do, having more kids … but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen.

Of course you're avoiding the "thorny" question of how you'd actually do this because that would break through the fantasy and splash you in the face with a bucketful of reality.

You are being unspeakably cruel to your husband by allowing him to continue believing that he has the marriage it currently suits you to have him think he has. Is your husband such an arse of a man that he deserves to be treated this badly? What's your husband doing while you're meeting up with the love of your life? Where does he think you are?

I have no dog in the fight about whether you should stay or leave. That's up to you. But casting yourself as someone helplessly overwhelmed by her feelings in some tragic yet romantic love-triangle is beneath you.

Shit or get off the pot. Just stop treating your husband like a cunt.

scaevola Wed 22-May-13 15:05:24

If communication with your DH really had broken down such that you could not discuss your relationship and areas where you wanted to change it before you started giving your emotional energy to someone else, do you think you will be able to do so now?

Do bear in mind that your view on your marriage may have been altered (by magnifying faults and withholding from any attempt to fix them) as justification to embark on your emotional affair.

But however it came about, it doesn't alter the need for you to make a decision now.

One or the other. Possibly neither. But not both.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:06:05

He knows where I am but thinks me and this other guy are just old friends. He hasn't done anything to deserve this, you're right. It's totally my problem.

apatchylass Wed 22-May-13 15:07:35

an affair is an affair. It's not real life. that's why it appeals. It is a break from real life. What you have is an affair.

Not saying it wouldn't turn into something more substantial but discussing jobs and kids by text and meeting once a month is no grounds for a solid future for your children. If you really want to be with this person, you need to be sorting out finances in an adult way and discussing childcare arrangements with your current DPs .

Don't forget real life will fast intervene if you leave your DP for him. Your gorgeous lover will leave smells in the bathroom and not quite 'get' your kids because they're not his and get stressed that you all have so much less money than you had before there were three homes to keep up not just two.

Not saying it's not possible, just saying your post describes a relationship without a single toe in reality. No way should you leave your children's father for something so tenuous.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:08:29

Emotional energy is just the right phrase - I've definitely been investing it all in this other guy and I do need to reinvest it in DH but I just haven't been able to so far. Don't know what it will take for me to be able to ...

EuphemiaLennox Wed 22-May-13 15:08:49

OP this all seems so real to you right now.

But you know, it isn't.

You're caught up in an intoxicating game of romance and passion that is like a drug but it isn't real.

The fact you call him your soul mate is a big clue to that from the off.

Your husband and children ae real. Very real.

You need to metaphorically slap yourself hard and drag yourself back to that reality, and decide what you want.

Cut the 'I can't be without him' lines. You have choices to make. Choices about the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to lead.

Maybe you'll decide your marriage is not the life you want to lead, but you shouldn't make that decision whilst drunk on the idea of love with an unreal idea of a man and a life.

Maybe you would have a future with this man, but you'd need to discover that in some other way, rather than through these addictive brief shots of intensity, which as I said aren't real.

Drop the love struck passion schtick, and get a head headed reflective viewpoint.

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