Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Polyamory, no really.

(86 Posts)
Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:07:40

Does anyone have any real experience of this who can give me some real advice?
My fiance has recently admitted that he is asexual.
We have been together for six years but the lack of sex was blamed on a sporting injury, which healed but still no sex.

I told him that I cannot live in a sexless relationship and that I need someone for sex and intimacy.
He said he is happy for me to have an affair provided I stick to a few rules.

Is it remotely possible that this could work?

He isn't a macho jealous type so he probably could handle things.

I know it seems wrong but it feels like I am having my cake and eating it!

Has anyone any experience in this kind of thing?

BIWI Fri 17-May-13 19:10:38

Are you a name-changer?

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:13:06

No I'm a long time lurker at my wits end.
I can't really run this by family and friends lol.

shadylane Fri 17-May-13 19:16:03

Do you really love him? If you want sex and intimacy from your relationship maybe he's not the one for you.

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:19:23

I do love him.
I've known there was something a bit off, and I haven't considered cheating despite six years sex free.
It all crashed down on me when he admitted we would never have sex, I don't think I could honestly say I wouldn't ever cheat.

Numberlock Fri 17-May-13 19:24:06

I'm afraid I think you need to separate. Sex is such an important part of a relationship and you shouldn't have to settle for going without.

What reason has he given that he'll never have sex? Does he masturbate?

SirBoobAlot Fri 17-May-13 19:24:37

I have a friend who is asexual, know it has been hard for her to explain, and it's a difficult concept, as a sexual person, to get my head around. So I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

In these circumstances, seeing as he has explained everything, I don't think there would be anything wrong - morally - for you to be sleeping with someone else. But logistically, it may be worth considering if that is what you want long term. If you have spent six years with a man you love, but with no sex, do you want to life like that? Even if you were to be sleeping with someone else?

I don't say that judgmentally. But it would be okay for you to say that, as much as you love him, this isn't the life you want to lead.

Tortington Fri 17-May-13 19:25:45

go for it - i mean fuck it why not

Lweji Fri 17-May-13 19:28:37

I know someone who is polyamorous. But I never asked her how it works.

But I don't think there is any "need" for you to separate.
It's entirely up to you and your DF.

The danger is there, however, that you may well fall in love with a sexual partner and leave the relationship anyway.

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:32:20

He masturbates occasionally, nothing near what you would expect from a thirty yr old fella!
Currently we run at approx 10-1 but I do have a backlog to shift!
I have read some info on asexuality and it all makes perfect sense now.

I'm not against having a significant another, I try to put it into perspective by imagining if I couldn't have sex, would I be cool about him seeing someone etc.

I doubt I would enjoy sex without intimacy so an escort doesn't appeal.

What if you were to fall inlove with whoever it be you choose to sleep with??

If they gave you what dh does but also what he does not?

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 19:42:40

No personal experiance but a few things for you to consider.

Do you want children?

Do you want children with him?

What whould you do if you got pg by someone else?

Could you just be friends?

Whould you be resentful by not having a “normal“ family life?

How would you explain the relationship with a single man, im married but its ok for us to have sex?

Where would you meet the new man and how would ypu split yourtime?

This is not a nice question but i would have to think about it - when you lose your looks and get old its harder to find a single partner for sex only and this is where a married couple with warts and all still have sex, it might be harder for you.

Could he not give you a hand, use toys on you even if he is not getting his rocks off?

Could he be gay?

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:44:34

That's why it would have to be poly.
If I plan for falling in love and all concerned are happy with the set up I can hopefully avoid making choices that hurt anyone.

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 19:47:42

I'm 38 with a grown son (how do I explain to him!)
I feel like we should split but only because the alternative is so unorthodox.

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 19:49:13

But you cant control other peoples feeling, needs and wants.

where would you find a men that wants to live with his partner and her male friend?

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 19:50:33

Its ok to not follow the norm but its very hard but not impossable.

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 19:55:05

If he changes in ten years and wants to get a girlfriend how would you feel?

Could you live on your own and be with any one you want on a nsa basis? Date who you want on a short term?

What do you want out of life company or a partner?

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 19:58:28

Also he is a bit selfish to let this carry on for 6 years without sorting it out.

Does he have a porn addiction if he wanks but does not have sex? Have you checked his phone internet history or computer?

MushroomSoup Fri 17-May-13 20:01:45

Without meaning to sound stupid, isn't a partner that you have no sex or intimacy with just a good friend?

MooncupGoddess Fri 17-May-13 20:04:43

I know someone who is happily polyamorous, but he loves having lots of different partners and is baffled by the idea of monogamy. It doesn't sound as if you're like that.

If you met someone polyamorous and started a relationship, would you be happy for him to be having sex with several other women? Could you have sex with him and go straight back home to your fiance?

Also, the fact that your fiance has only just told you this is pretty unimpressive and doesn't reflect well on him at all. He has essentially been lying to you for six years.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Fri 17-May-13 20:07:05

Would you be happy having sex with someone who was willing to have sex with a woman who is in love with another man?

That would be my problem. It would be like me ( a bi woman) having a bit on the side with another woman and then going home to DH. Some bi people, and their partners, can do that but I am not one of those people.

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 20:07:41

He is more like a friend/extra kid than a partner.
There is an age gap which explains some of it but he is adamant he wants to stay together.

I sound so cold but I'm trying to be practical about it.

He wanks at asain porn, or ball gag stuff.
We have extra tracking on our internet and phones because he is also a recovering gambling addict.

I have the horrible feeling I'm so scared to be single that I will make anything work.

wellcoveredsparerib Fri 17-May-13 20:19:47

i dont get it. if he masterbates to porn how can he be asexual?

Numberlock Fri 17-May-13 20:22:10

I think he's spinning you a line...

Lemonies Fri 17-May-13 20:26:17

Something to do with the physical release of orgasm vs the intimate act of sex.
I don't understand either, I thought he may be gay but there are no indications he likes blokes and the porn is all straight stuff.

He is also friends with the girls at work, they all gossip and facebook each other.
I'm fairly open minded about sexuality so I think he could come out if he needed to.

The more I read about polyamory the more it sounds perfect.

I could just me hugely horny though....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now