Dont even know where to start

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

I am a regular poster on here, just like in real life, under my usual nickname I am happy, bubbly and positive.

Underneath however is a different story :-(

I have been single for nearly 2 years. I desperately want to meet someone because I am so, so lonely. My exH never showed me any love or affection, ever, we were only together because of the kids for at least the last 10 years.

I have had several flings with men who showed me affection, none of whom are right for me, but the minute someone is nice to me, or tells me I am attractive, then I give my all to them. Then I end up getting hurt all over again.

The kids spend half their time with their Dad and whilst they are with him I either cry in a ball, or go out and get completely pissed (then come home and cry in a ball)

I suffer from depression and went very low after Xmas, a couple of good friends helped me through it, and to the outisde I was normal and happy again.

I have been ok for a while since and have heavily relied on my friends. I dont know what I would do without them.

A couple of weeks ago I did something really stupid, I got drunk and I thought they had left me in a pub, it turned out that they hadnt, but I sent them some texts telling them to 'f off' amongst other things.

When I sobered up the next day I said sorry, but explained I thought they had left me. I got them flowers and tried to put things right.

Since then its all gone horribly wrong. One of them came round and told me that all our friends think I am selfish, intimidating and spiteful. She then gave me some examples of when I had been these things over the last few months. I had no idea they thought any of these things. I thought I was a good friend, I would always be there for anyone who needed me. I have asked another friend who says that she doesnt feel like that, but now I think she is just saying that.

I feel like that is the reason my exH didnt love me. Thats the reason I cant find anyone who treats me well. I thought I had a great circle of friends and I was wrong and now I am more alone than ever.

I have gone back to the place I was after Xmas now, I cant work, eat or sleep.

I darent contact anyone in case they think I am being selfish by saying I am low again. I am scared for the kids and have asked exH not to bring them back tomorrow.

I dont know what to do now and feel like the best thing for everyone is if I just disappear, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

Sorry if this sounds like a stupid childish story, it kind of feels like it is, but I am so paranoid now that everyone is talking about me that my mind isnt working well enough for me to know what to do next. If I am such a bad person nobody will ever want to be my friend ever again. I feel totally lost.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down :( I don't have much advice but I'm here to hand hold until others offer advice x

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

Thank you

[StealthPolarBear]

It sounds like you've done stupid things and messed up. It also sounds like you are fundamentally a lovely person who has been through a rough time. I think ou need to find the one friend you trust,ost to confide in. Explain that you value your friends and are willing to change to keep them. That said, make sure you get treated well in response. Come up with a plan of action with that one friend. And cut down on drinking. None of this will seem as bad once you've taken the first step,

[StealthPolarBear]

And can you commit to a hobby, exercise based, for a time when your Dcs are at their dads? Exercise is awful but it's got to be better than crying in a ball :o

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

I exercise a lot, but I cant go to the gym when I dont eat, its a bit of a vicious circle when I get like this.

I dont know how to change? I didnt realise that I had done these things, so it has made me scared to do or say anything.

The examples were that I gave another friend dirty looks on New Years Eve. I didnt intend to and I didnt realise that I was. Another was that I put something on FB when I was out with a friend, when I had turned down an invitation from another friend. I apparantly do whatever I want whenever I want.

I am the one who usually does daft things and everybody sees me as 'fun' if I am not that person any more then I dont know who I am

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

I darent confide in anyone either in case it is seen as me being selfish. I sent a text to one friend last night saying that I am sorry for upsetting everyone I will just stay away because I dont want to upset anyone else. She hasnt replied so I presume that she thinks that is for the best.

When I get really low I sometimes send friends long texts saying whats on my mind, so I think they are probably fed up with me. I wish they had told me months ago I feel like all that support I got wasnt really support they were sick of me really

[MooncupGoddess]

Poor you, sounds miserable. Are you on any medication or counselling for your depression? It sounds like it might be worth a chat with your GP if you haven't been recently.

Sending friends long anguished texts does place quite a burden on them... but complaining about a 'dirty look' you allegedly gave someone on NYE suggests that maybe your friends are not the nicest.

Maybe worth posting on the mental health board, there are some really nice supportive posters there who will understand what you're going through.

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

Thank you, I cant take medication as the ones I tried made me ill, I thought I was managing it myself but obviously not.

They said that they darent tell me that I was all these horrible things because I am intimidating. I dont know what they think I would have done to them I am so confused.

If I am so bad I dont think my children should come back to me, I think I need to be away from everyone.

[MooncupGoddess]

I'm sure you're not as bad as all that, but clearly you are having a really hard time and do need some sort of help. Can you ring your GP now, and maybe the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 if you need someone to listen to you?

[StealthPolarBear]

Obviously it's impossible to tell from this end of a computer, but while you sound a bit demanding, your friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen. Possible she's stirring things and your other friends don't actually feel that way.
Your Dcs will not be better off without you though. They would be devastated if anything happened, and I suspect your friends would be too actually.

[SorryMyLollipop]

There are lots of other anti-depressants you can try if one didn't agree with you, there will be a suitable one out there. At the very least your GP could refer you for counselling and then you would have someone else to talk to and wouldn't feel like such a burden on your friends.

Your friend going on about the dirty look at NYE? That sounds a bit petty tbh, it was three months ago! Maybe you could reassess your choice of friends.

It might be good to get the kids back, it would give you something to focus on, a routine and a reason to get out of bed etc. besides, they will be wanting to see you!

[Moanranger]

Most posters have addressed the obvious stuff ( exercise, hobbies, etc) & I would be concerned about drinking - it is a depressant & note that your most recent conflict arose after a pub session - probably not a coincidence. I suspect at least some of your friends are not supportive & you would probably benefit from re-evaluating some friendships.
I am a big fan of using some of the self-help books to give you a different perspective. You seem overly-critical of yourself & also perhaps are not " reading" the behaviour of others correctly. A book is cheap, can be picked up whenever & a lot more accessible than counsellors who can be expensive & variable in quality.
I also note that some of your upsets arise from texting, FB, where it is easy to mis-read things. Dial back on this, telephone people or meet up in RL - much more accurate and more spiritually/socially rewarding. Good luck!

[TerrysNo2]

You need to talk to someone, MN is a great start to get your thoughts down but really you sound like you need something more.

Your "friend" sounds ridiculous and childish, a dirty look is something a teenager would get upset about. What I would say, is not to send your friends texts saying things like you will stay away, some people find it very difficult to know how to handle things like that and that's probably the reason your friend hasn't replied, not because she agrees with you.

It sounds like you need someone reliable to rely on IYSWIM, and I think you will only get that support from someone professional.

[SundaysGirl]

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

I think also when out and about and drinking we can become more lairy than we are normally and this can change the way we interact with others. Emotions often seem to run high when people drink as well. It does sound as though your friends are being a little petty on some of the things they are saying so it's worth considering how the whole group dynamic is when you all go out drinking..is alcohol always involved and it's parties and clubs or getting plastered round each others houses? This can skew friendships from my experience.

Drinking less and trying to increase your social cricle and activities when not pissed can help to forge calmer friendships sometimes.

It also sounds as though you are looking for external sources of validation from flings and friendships and although I appreciate loneliness is not pleasant (I am a single mum and often have days by myself when ym son is at his dads so know that sometimes it does get lonely) I have always found that loneliness is compounded by low self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself and have things to fill your time which are positive and from you and for you rather than getting them from outside people it really takes the sting out of the feelings of loneliness which I thnk can often be feeling bad about yourself.

[dreamingbohemian]

First off, definitely call Samaritans or someone similar if you are feeling so low that you don't want to wake up. Hopefully talking to them will get you over the crisis bit, so you can at least start working on getting more support.

I don't think you should think the worst, that your friends don't care about you at all or were just lying all this time. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have helped you for so long. Probably, things just got a bit heated or too much, and maybe they just can't deal with things for a while. But you may find you can repair things down the road.

I think you should go back to your GP and ask about meds again, and I think you really need some counseling as soon as possible. In a way, you are relying on other people to fix you or get you through the bad times, and while that's understandable, you need to also become stronger inside yourself so that you're in a better place generally.

You've had a horrible shock really so be kind to yourself, try to get to a place where you feel a bit more stable and take it from there.

[freeandhappy]

Maybe you could look up your local AA group. You will get lots of non judgemental support from people who have done waaaay worse things and come out the other side. Im not saying you are an alcoholic but you might find some clarity and companionship by going to meetings for a few months and they will be very gentle with you. I'd say you are just lonely not mean or selfish. But you might be looking for love in the wrong places. Please don't harm yourself. That would be selfish. Try to be brave and seek out some support. You've already taken the first step by posting so well done.

[MsMoppet]

Have you had any counselling before? Although it is difficult to find the rights meds, it is worse without counselling support to "unlock" the reasons for your depression.

[EarthtoMajorTom]

What freeandhappy said. Please consider visiting an AA group.

[freeandhappy]

They have a thing in AA called HALT. Stands for hurt, alone, lonely, tired. You'll feel better as soon as you can share your burden.

[freeandhappy]

Or maybe that acronym is for hurt angry lonely tired. Anyway have yourself a nice cup of tea and try to keep some perspective.

[ladyjadie]

It's Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

I'm sorry I can't really give any advice, I did have one friend though, in my old 'circle' of friends, who basically was always nice to my face then as soon as I had a falling out with another girl she swooped in and stirred and made it all worse. She called me up swearing at me and her final words were accusing me of being jealous of the other girl liking her better. I gleaned from that that she was the one who was jealous. We all always drank loads and loads too.

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

Thank you for your replies, Things have got about a million times worse

I checked my sons phone this afternoon, my exH borrowed it last week, I saw some texts on there between him and his GF.

I know that I shouldnt have looked but once I started I couldnt stop.

Apparantly I am manipulating, cold, controlling, they both hate me and could blow my world apart in a nanosecond if they wanted to.

I thought I had a good relationship with my ex. But he hates me too. She doesnt even know me and hates me.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Hi, dontknowwhere, I am sorry you are feeling so low.

It seems like a catch 22 doesn't it? You need to talk to your friends but now you can't ( or don't feel like you can/should). It may be hard to realize and understand, but it might be possible that your friends have helped you all they can. (And it isn't their fault that they weren't able to help you get to a point of recovery, iyswim, it's just beyond their capacity/expertise.) But as you feel the need for more help, imho, you may need to find new resources, as suggested above.

Have you tried using a journal? It might help you in reading back what you write to see how you might be coming across to people. It is also a great venue for venting and soul searching and a kind of self-coaching to help sort problems out.

Please hang in there and don't give up.

[skyebluesapphire]

Your XH will probably describe you as that because you have stopped him getting his own way at some point. His GF only knows what he tells her, so does not have a balanced view, so don't give a shit about her opinion.

Regarding the friends. Evaluate them, have they genuinely been there for you?. Have you genuinely been demanding? Can you invite a couple of them round to have a chat maybe? Explain that you have been very low and not yourself and that you appreciate that they are probably fed up with you, but you still need some support. If they can't do that then they are not friends anyway.

My friends have been a major support through the past year, and now if I occasionally drunkenly talk about something that they don't want to hear about, they just nicely say, anyway, thats in the past, lets talk about the future. So they steer me onto better things, not just knock me down.

I agree that you should talk to your doctor, try some different meds and also ask for urgent counselling. Please ring the Samaritans too, they are there to talk to people, to help them through bad times.

See if there is anything that you can join/do to meet some new people too.

[kinkyfuckery]

Are you getting any help and/or support for your depression? And your alcohol abuse?