Really struggling... Need some support please

[Confused40]

Hi,
Have posted a couple of threads on here in the last couple of weeks. I'm 28 weeks pregnant, and have just split up with my fiance. He was being abusive, don't really want to go into details.
I ended the relationship, as I couldn't deal with his abuse anymore. We spoke face to face and I made him label his behaviour towards me which was extremely painful. I've not seen him since this, which was about two weeks now.
Yesterday he texted me, begging me to give him another chance, and saying how sorry he was for behaving so badly. I've said that if I was so important to him he would not have behaved the way he did, and that he chose to behave the way he did.
So why am I feeling so sad??? He's behaviour has been appalling, and I hate him for not respecting me enough to treat me better. I have been feeling tearful today, am really struggling to put everything into perspective. I miss his company, feel guilty, lonely, feel sorry for him, and I'm scared of having his baby on my own without his support.
I know I've made the right decision to end the r/s, but when does it get easier?
I won't get back with him, I know that, but, I feel so sad and just want to cry and cry.......

[Woodifer]

Hi confused have a cry! Its sad when a relationship ends. You made the best decisions you could at the time based on what you knew then - now you know what you know you are making sme new ones.

Its good that you aren't getting back with him - it's unlikely that he will miraculously change. My grandma used to say when you hit the bottom, that is when you know the only way is up :) And the other thing to remember is "This too will pass" - although you feel bogged down in sadness it is NOT PERMANENT! I promse.

[weeblueberry]

You bloody strong lady for putting yourself and the baby first. What you've done is incredibly brave and lots of women in your situation would have just shut up and put up. Be very proud of yourself for not doing that.

It will be tough for a while because you had this image of how your family life should/would be and now you're realising it's going to be different. Not worse, just different. You've put your baby first and realised that if he's abusive towards you there's no good reason he wouldn't have been towards your child too.

You sound like an incredibly lady and your baby will be lucky to have you as a mum. xx

[Lorelei353]

Break ups are awful and yours is worse because you're pregnant and facing that alone. It's totally normal to be grieving for your relationship at this point though. It's a massive change in your life and there were parts of your relationship and your ex that you're bound to miss.

Do accept it as a grieving process. You need time to process it all and to just be upset about it. You're perfectly entitled to be. Be compassionate towards yourself feeling however you feel. It will pass and you'll be stronger as a result.

[Confused40]

I feel so awful! I gave him a long reply to his begging texts and felt so empowered doing it, then felt a right bitch. How confusing?
He's accepted my decision and I know he's gutted, which makes it even worse. I really do feel terrible, and I've been trying to do some some work from home all day today, and failing miserably. And although I'm eating healthily, I've still eaten loads, and had chocolate and crisps

[Woodifer]

I haven't had a major life changing breakup and I have eaten my body weight in rubbish - its called being pregant (for me anyway - obviouslyn ot for people with restraint and that kind of thing :) )

Anyway I think I would stop engaging with him now.

[rosiedays]

I followed your last post..... confused stay strong. I was in an awful relatiponship when pg with my first. it took every once of love i had for my unborn daughter to leave him and STAY left.
your feeling of guilt are normal and because he controled your emotions and is still trying too. he will try every trick in the book and the more you resist the more he will try until he finds someone else he can abuse and controle. really sending begging texts!!!
re-read your last thread, and take strenth from the wise words, Be kind to yourself eat what you like... you can loose it later.[ thanks]

[LouiseD29]

When you separate from someone, even when it's totally the right decision (as I believe it is in your case, Confused), you still need to allow yourself some time to grieve the relationship. There must have been some good things in the relationship otherwise you wouldn't have been there in the first place, so I think it's totally normal to miss those things and accept that you are sad to have lost them.

That doesn't mean that you have made the wrong decision though, and it doesn't mean that once you have dealt with this you won't feel stronger, braver and happier. Your posts so far have been really quite inspirational and I do admire you for the strength you have shown. You have come this far - you can do it!

[Confused40]

Spent the whole day yesterday thinking about my life and how it has changed in the last few weeks. I procrastinated extremely well, and should be given an award! It was only when I was watching 'one born every minute' that I finally got round to doing some of the work I had planned to do. I have no idea why it watching that show prompted me to work lol!!

I am up now at 6.30am, have a full day at uni, including an assessment which will be recorded. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house, as I realise I've been a bit of a hermit. Might be something to do with the cold, but I don't think so. I've been feeling safe and comforted by being at home, plus being 28 weeks, almost 29 weeks pregnant its easier being at home.

I know that the next few weeks and months will be hard on my own, but I know I'm making the right decision. I've been reading loads and searching my soul. Part of me, yes, does feel sorry for my ex, but, I pity him so much that he could and did treat me the way he did. Worse that he tried to blame me for his behaviour! Like I told him, 'you chose to behave the way you did'. If I was so precious to you, you would have listened to me when I told you I didn't like your behaviour'.

I feel empowered today, have a deep sadness in my soul, but empowered all the same. I guess if I didn't feel sad and wasn't grieving the loss, then I wouldn't be human. I've learnt so much about myself from this experience, and am still learning. I know the road ahead won't be easy, but by goodness I'm going to have a beautiful little baby soon, and my whole life will change. And I won't have the worry of being abused by the man who 'loves' me.......

[Lorelei353]

Glad to hear you're feeling stronger today Confused. You'll have ups and downs for sure but lovely to hear you feel empowered and are thinking about the wonderful life you can make for you and your baby. Have a great day (hope assessment goes well).

[Confused40]

Thank you Loreiei353!
Assessment went very well, and I've had a great day. Always love going into uni. Feeling very tired, and learning to listen to my body more since I've been pregnant. Resting more and more as my lovely bump gets bigger.
Roll on the weekend

[Confused40]

Its been just under two weeks now since I ended the r/s with fiance. At the beginning of this week I went to a GUM clinic. That was so embarrassing, but I knew I had to do it, just the check I am ok, more so as I'm pregnant. I'm crying as I'm typing this. The staff in the clinic said I was damaged down below, and thought I had a serious STD! I waited until they had completed some tests, and they revealed nothing wrong. Thank goodness. But, they said I still had to wait a week for further tests to be completed. The nurses and doctors appealed to me to report fiance to the police, which I refused to do.

I know that I have made the right decision to end the r/s. I felt so humiliated to hear that my fiance's abuse had damaged me to the extent that the nurses and doctor thought I had contracted an STD. I am also extremely angry with him too. I've had a nerve racking week waiting for the results and today I found out I'm all clear. Thank goodness.

[Xocute]

Oh my god! For sure you are doing the right thing. People don't change hugely. I guess if possible don't engage with him.. If he asks for access to the baby make sure it's access you are comfortable with.. He could attempt a "worm back"..

[Wolfiefan]

Couldn't read and run. You sound such am incredible woman. So strong. I'm sure you will make an amazing mum. Hands always here to hold. Take care x

[Confused40]

Feeling really sad. Fiancé just left, after coming to collect his belongings that were left here. It was strange, as I felt sorry for him, but wanted him to hurry up and leave too. I made him some tea and we had awkward silences.
As he left I have him a hug and he sobbed in my arms, saying he wasn't supposed to do that (cry).
Phew, sitting here feeling quite numb. Gave him his ring back too, and he wanted me to keep it, but I said I didn't want it.
Not sure how I'm feeling, got lots of strange emotions running threw me.
I know I've done the right thing, so why do I feel so crappy?

[Rockchick1984]

You've done completely the right thing! Any relationship ending will hurt, even more so because you're pregnant. Just remember that if he was abusive to you, he could have been abusive to your child - you have done the right thing, and you are stronger because of it. You and your baby will be fine, a perfect family together just the 2 of you

[OloeufiaMumsnet]

Hi there
WE have moved this thread to Relationships for you
Kindest
MNHQ

[onefewernow]

So sorry for your hard time.

I don't know what you have been reading, but the well respected book is the Lundy Bancroft one, ' Why does he do that?'. Sadly, his belief on the back of working with abusers are that very few fe of them change, and if they do, they need to do a great deal of work in groups and one to one.

Seems like you made a very sound decision, and saved yourself years of misery.

Plan for the baby and his untainted future. And stick with that Uni bourse, it will make a great difference as a single parent.

[onefewernow]

Few!

[KatieScarlett2833]

Oh my love, have a big cuddle. You will get through this, I promise.

[Jux]

Well done, Confused. You have acted so decisively. Of course you are sad atm but you are looking forward to a much brighter and happier future for yourself and your baby.

[Confused40]

Need some hand holding please!
Meeting up with ex to talk, for my benefit and to get answers to questions I have. I don't feel able to move on without answers and seeing him will give me the closure I need.
I've spent the morning cleaning and am putting up babies cot etc today.
Really nervous about seeing him and need to keep my mind focused.
I'm not getting back with him, no fear of that. Am still extremely sad though. Was diagnosed with vertigo last week, which isn't helping keep my mind focused.
Please give me some words of wisdom and help keep my spirits up

[Jux]

Are you meeting him away from home? Try to make the meeting in a public place as that will curb any tendency he may have to abuse you.

Sometimes there just aren't answers, I'm afraid. Sometimes the only thing an abuser can say is they did what they did because that is what they are like and that is what they do, but they would not actually say or think that. If you push then they generally will make it your fault - if you had been better, patient, kinder, more understanding etc then they wouldn't have done x, y or z.

I suspect you're going to leave this meeting with no more understanding than you have now.

I actually don't think it's a good idea to go at all, but that's your choice and I won't judge you for it.

You do need to get something sorted re financials and contact, but you'd do better to do that using mediation services than face to face.

Always remember, this man is an abuser and will continue to do or say whatever suits his twisted purpose best, at any time. He cannot be trusted to stick to anything he says.

Good luck.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Don't meet him

[Confused40]

Ok, we met, he stayed about 30-40 minutes. Listened to what I said, disagreed with my take on his behaviour, was even shocked by what I was saying.
We sat in silence for some time, then he said he had to go as he was feeling sick, and he left.
I'm glad I met him, and sad too. Yes, I was wrong in a sense to meet him, as I still don't have answers, but at least he knows what he did was wrong. Probably why he was feeling sick........