Need all the help i can get

[Moodymoth]

I want to leave my OH. I have posted before about this under another name but I need all the support I can.

I feel really overwhelmed about everything. MY OH is manipulating things and playing with my mind so to speak. He is taking away my confidence and chipping away at me piece by piece.

Last night (and this is a silly example) he told me to fuck off as I was trying to straighten the duvet and it got caught on my foot. I know this is not the end of the world but I dont want to be called endless names everyday. I have my faults like anyone else but I work hard to look after my family and I am a good person. I dont want my kids to think it is ok to go around name calling or being a bully. Anyway last night after that duvet incident I was trying to sleep and he decided to put his keys and wallet over on his bedside table.He moved pulling the duvet with him but it jolted me and hurt my back. I feel so silly writing this but i am upset over the crapness of this relationship. Anyway I said to him that was not nice as he hurt my back and he did this 2 other times as a demonstration that he had not hurt me (hurting my back twice more). I wouldnt have got away with that.

My main problems are:

• He tells me i wont cope if i leave him and that i wont manage childcare around work
  

-He is emotionally abusive (although he has been better as i pulled him up on it last week- He only tells me to fuck off now not the usual twat/cunt etc- big wow)

• He is bad with money (apparently it is me that is bad with money though)
  

-He tells me he will take away our children (as I am apparently loosing my mind- I have had depression in the past due to being in this poor relationship/struggling with work and childcare and not getting any help round the house)
-He does not do much around the house
-We dont have sex anymore and I dont even like him being near me

I just dont know where to start about leaving. I dont have any savings but I am selling my belongings to make money for use. I work part time and jointly rent. I am on the housing list (although hes on the application too).

[alifelessordinary]

Others with more knowledge about the benefits your entitled to and Women's Aid will be along shortly to advise you on that end, I just want to say that you should add "physically abusive" to your list, as purposely pulling the covers so you hurt your back is physically abusive.

Also, of course you'll cope, I'm sure you'll be much better off without this arsehole. Good riddance to him.

[cheapskatemum]

He is emotionally and physically abusive. There are loads of people on here who are fantastic at giving advice in just such situations as yours. I just wanted to post with support & (((hugs))), to reassure you that you don't have to put up with his cr*p any more and that realising this is your first, really big step & well done.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think, when you're in a situation where you're being drip-fed abuse on such a regular basis, it's really difficult to trust your judgement. As you say, he's spent years chipping away at your confidence etc. So what you need most of all is RL support from people who are thinking clearly and are not influenced by his behaviour.

So that means friends, family and - very important - professionals. I'm not surprised that you've suffered depression btw. When you say 'OH' are you actually married? If so, talking to a solicitor that specialises in family law about a divorce can be a good move. They can outline your rights and responsibilities and also reassure you that abusive men cannot 'take away' children. The charity Womens Aid is a mine of information for victims of male abuse, not least about practical things like accommodation and finances. Your local Housing Authority, if they know you're in an emergency situation, may act more quickly to find you a place. The website www.turn2us.org.uk has a benefits checker where you can work out what state help you'd be entitled to financially. The CSA has a calculator online.

Get all your ducks in a row, get some support from friends and family and it will all give you the confidence you need to tell him where to shove it. Good luck

[Moodymoth]

So as to not drip feed. I need help around practicalities of getting away. I know I am able to look after my children very well and I am a capable and strong woman. I am not a victim (like he calls me). I just want my children to have good lives and not make the same mistakes as me- I grew up in a bad household and have repeated these mistakes but not any more they deserve better!

I am not scared of him on the whole but there was 1 incident of dv 10 years ago. He is aggressive but more shouty.

To me the most important thing is protecting the children and making an exit plan. I just need a hand to hold and any advice

[Moodymoth]

So as to not drip feed. I need help around practicalities of getting away. I know I am able to look after my children very well and I am a capable and strong woman. I am not a victim (like he calls me). I just want my children to have good lives and not make the same mistakes as me- I grew up in a bad household and have repeated these mistakes but not any more they deserve better!

I am not scared of him on the whole but there was 1 incident of dv 10 years ago. He is aggressive but more shouty.

To me the most important thing is protecting the children and making an exit plan. I just need a hand to hold and any advice

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The usual advice is to make sure you have all your documents together... things like birth-certificates, passports, bank details etc. You sound like you've got your own bank account which is good. If there is any element of risk then I think the best course of action would be to leave with the children and stay with friends/family while you sort out the rest of the stuff afterwards. Do you have anywhere you could go?

[Moodymoth]

Thanks for the replies. I am lucky in that I have alot of support in rl. My sister and some of my friends know the situation. I am planning on calling women's aid on Monday when I can talk in peace but I feel like a fraudster because he is telling me he is not abusive and that things didnt happen in the way I know they did. I have worked out that financially we should be ok but im scared of the bit of what to do before you can claim financial help.

Like how can I save enough money to get by until I can put in a change of circumstance to tax credits.

Hes my boyfriend not husband so I suppose its easier in some ways. im just worried as my house is rented. Landlord doesnt take hb and I havent got money for a deposit for a new place. I was hoping I could survive til jan next year to get some money together,get my driving licence and a full time job but I dont think I can stay in this relationship for all that time

[Moodymoth]

I havent got anywhere we could stay locally. I could stay with my mum but shes 300 miles away so it wouldnt work with school,childcare and work. He could leave and stay with his parents but he has refused to in the past.

I have my passport,documents etc. The kids dont have passports. I have my own bank account. child benefit and tax credits go to my account.

[Moodymoth]

I havent got anywhere we could stay locally. I could stay with my mum but shes 300 miles away so it wouldnt work with school,childcare and work. He could leave and stay with his parents but he has refused to in the past.

I have my passport,documents etc. The kids dont have passports. I have my own bank account. child benefit and tax credits go to my account.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not a fraudster. 'Abuse' is a pretty broad term and, from what you describe, of course he's abusive. Another term for shouty agressive behaviour is 'verbal abuse'. To me the test is this. If a stranger walked off the street into your home and behaved the way your OH behaves what would you do next? Offer to make them a bite to eat or call the police and get them thrown out?

You can alert HMRC about a change in circumstances immediately it happens. There is other short-term help available for people in crisis. CAB can be really helpful with what's available. January next year is a full 10 months away which sounds rather a tall order to me.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Have you looked at this thread where you will find a top post with links, and a load of supportive women at various points on this journey.

You aren't a fraudster, he is gaslighting you by saying things that happened, didn't. It's so great you have RL support. I would start by checking out the finances thoroughly, and thinking in great detail about what life without him is going to be like.

[Moodymoth]

Thank you for replies. Cogito- I would be outraged if a stranger behaved this way to me. I agree 10 months just isnt possible. Me and the children need to get out sooner rather than later. I have to stay strong. I have to believe in myself more.

Pussycat thank you for the link I will read that later. Our lives without him living with us would be no more walking on egg shells and alot less stress. I am overwhelmed but I know I can get out of this

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I would be outraged if a stranger behaved this way to me."

That's what I thought. I don't know why outrage gets suppressed or why anyone thinks they're overreacting just because the person treating them badly is wearing a wedding ring, has fathered their children or is sharing their bed but, by rights, a partner should behave better than a stranger off the street.... not worse.

Hope you find a way to get shot. Good luck

[Moodymoth]

Cogito- you are so right! I told my friend about 2 horrible threats he had made against me and she couldnt believe it. She said dont you want to be cherished. The sad thing is my boyf would argue he is cherishing me. Hes warped and I wont enable him anymore! My own mum left my 'dad' after yrs of abuse. My children deserve better

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sometimes it takes an outsider's response to make you see the light. You and your children deserve better of course.

[foolonthehill]

1. Great that the child benefit is going into your personal account. I changed my payments to weekly for the first few months....more flexibility
   
   
2. Tax credits. these took 10 days to change status as we already had a claim that was amended by me immediately we separated
   
   
3. Work money: presumably you are paid into your account, try to time leaving shortly before you are paid.
   
   
4. Credit cards: Take his name off any joint credit cards where you are the primary card holder and ask for an increase in limits if you are a good customer. If you have a good credit rating apply for another card with good benefits (eg cashback) before you move out. Change the addresses when you leave. Obviously you are not aiming to get into debt but spreading the financial payments through the first few months will help. Check money saving expert for the best deals.
   
   
5. make sure no bills for the other house are going out of your account especially council tax...your partner can claim as single person once you have gone.
   
   
6. If the DC are his then he has to pay maintenance. calculate here www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/overview
   
   
7. An interest free crisis loan may be an option for your deposit if you earn enough to pay rent www.gov.uk/crisis-loans/overview
   
   good luck