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I received a text from my husband and I can't answer it

(38 Posts)
Halsbury Wed 06-Feb-13 20:24:17

It was 'Do you love me?'.

I have NC'ed for anonymity, I can't answer his question fully, I do love him, he is the father of my DC, but I don't think I'm in love with him any more.

He's a good man, but he's made some mistakes and they weigh on my mind -perhaps unjustly really. I have supported him in his new career, telling him to do the application, but it has meant I have had to relocate to an area I didn't know, where I had no friends of family. I am a SAHM and because he works shifts its impossible to do anything without the DC's.

We both want different things out of life, I want to go out once in a while (last night out was in 2011 and I was heavily pregnant, before that it was our wedding). He wants to stay in all the time, he doesn't want to go anywhere and I am driven to distraction. We don't live in an area with good public transport links and i don't drive, I am so heavily reliant on him it drives me to distraction.

I have been applying for jobs, but I never get a call back.

But it all boils down to the fact that I can't tell him I love him but I'm not in love with him via text, because he's at work.

Dottiespots Thu 07-Feb-13 14:11:35

Feelings of being "in love" can easily be found again if they were there in the beginning. "In love" is generally meaning "In Lust" which is very important in a relationship. Sex is the glue that holds the relationship together.....without it you are just mates.

Dottiespots Thu 07-Feb-13 14:09:39

Im so glad . You still really need to get those driving lessons so you have your independence. I think also when you have your independence and you have friends of your own that he will treat you with alot more respect and will want to take you out more and treat you as a "woman" not just a wife. I understand the social anxiety.....It is something i have had all my life but I forced myself to form friendships as they do make life so much more fun. You do need your own life as well as the life with your husband.

Halsbury Thu 07-Feb-13 13:01:20

Thank you, I've got to stay for a while, I need to sort some money out and get some allies locally for when I need some support.

My husband has never put me down, I have always had a low self esteem, due to some bullying as a pre-teen, but I'm gradually learning confidence. I also have a large amount of social anxiety, so I tend to shy away from groups of people, which has led people to keep me at a distance.

I have spoken to him, told him how I feel. He's now called his parents and we're off out on Saturday night- amazing how he can jump when I hit him with the words I've been saying for a long time, without him doing anything about.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Thu 07-Feb-13 10:26:18

'Tortoise He asks me all the time if I do love him, he is a very physical person and I'm not, which causes friction (mainly on my part as I don't like too much physical closeness). ' so emotional blackmail, sexual pressure...yes?

'it was a very fast moving start,' anther red flag, often... ' but I can't seem to shake this feeling that I don't love him how he should be loved.' That's because you don't - or you can't. He's abusive, he's been playing about on the net, and he expects you to love him after all that? Well sorry but you don't, how could anyone.

You just need to get to a place in yur head where you feel strong enough, and safe enough, and confident enough to escape this person. the longer it goes on the angrier you'll be inside, and the scarier opening those flood gates wil become.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Thu 07-Feb-13 10:22:20

Sorry typing with one finger as baby asleep cross lap! Have now extracted hand smile

Listen pet. He does know how much cheaper andeasier a car would be. He just doesn't want you to have independance as he's afraid you'd do things that he'd be scared of - like having friends, going out, realising that he's treating you badly because the rest of the world is so nice.

He is trapping you

your instincts are screaming at you that it's not a good place to be, but yu're so afraid of being wrong or culpable that you dare not question him or challenge what he is doing to you.

Why on earth would the other parents at school be avoiding you? Has he suggested that you're not a very nice person? How else is he trying to undermine your self confidence?

Please listen to us - this man is abusing you, psychologically. You don't have to allow it. Is there anyone you have in real life that would support you if you left?

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Thu 07-Feb-13 10:18:47

oh my god sad

whatever you say won't make a hap'orth of difference. this bloke has you exactly where he wants you.

it's time to start to disengage in your own mind, not tell him, just act normal - talking won't work on him. he isn't planning to change.

so many red flags i don't know where to begin. take care x

Halsbury Thu 07-Feb-13 10:04:06

I don't know why he doesn't believe me, I think he believes a car is a lot more expensive, which I know it can be, but it is the cost of time that is most expensive, to get DC1 to a 9am football session, I would have to leave home at 7.30, but by car is 10-15 minutes.

It costs nearly £10 to get there, before club fees and kit, but we have a car that for most of the week is unused. Insurance, fuel and extra wear and tear probably would be the same, as the annual cost of travel to the club by bus. I don't think he actually can see the sums.

I've told him I want to talk to him when DC2 settles for a nap, I don't know what I'm going to say, but I doubt he'll like it- not because he's controlling or anything, he just avoids confrontation.

MadBusLady Thu 07-Feb-13 09:38:11

he simply doesn't understand how difficult and expensive public transport it.

That doesn't make any sense either, does it. Even if he hasn't experienced the public transport at first hand, it shouldn't be a massive problem for him to take your word for it. Why doesn't he believe you?

I don't think I trust him as you should trust a partner.

On the basis that he refuses to take your isolation seriously, gets you to back off from your friends, looks for opportunities to be unfaithful and manages to turn all this around into him needing reassurance, I think you're right not to trust him.

Halsbury Thu 07-Feb-13 08:58:23

awsangel I do need my independence, this is not the life I envisaged for myself in my 20's. I'll try to talk to the other mums, and look at play groups for the youngest.

As for can I trust him- I don't think I trust him as you should trust a partner.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 08:57:24

The Dc's don't need clothes every month or even trips out if it came to it.

Save up for those driving lessons and then drive off into the sunset or at least where you're happy.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Feb-13 08:24:45

I feel very sorry for you

Stuck with a controlling, unfaithful, needy arsehole must be absolute hell

I would be finding my way out and not looking back

Halsbury Thu 07-Feb-13 08:13:31

Tortoise He asks me all the time if I do love him, he is a very physical person and I'm not, which causes friction (mainly on my part as I don't like too much physical closeness). He didn't like my male best friend (who I had known over 10 years) even though he lived where I used to and is also married with children!

I do hold the responsibility for the household finances, since he got us into debt without my knowledge, I have access to the joint account but there's about £15 left at the end of a good month. My money is CHB and CTC, which I try to save when I can, then what's left goes on things for the DC's, trips out, bus fare, clothes and other bits.

I also made sure that the remainder of the mortgage money is in my account- so I have something in case of emergencies and when a trade needs paying I can do it.

Driving has been one of the main things I think, he simply doesn't understand how difficult and expensive public transport it.

Your last paragraph sums it up really, I had never thought of it that way. I feel angry that it has come to this.

Dottiespots Thu 07-Feb-13 02:30:30

I think you need to regain your independence. You need to find the money for your driving lessons....its a priority. Then you need to make new friends ....now. The mums in the playground are not ignoring you on purpose.....why would they....they dont know you. Its up to you to find ways to make new friends. As for the emailing other women and browsing internet sites....well that is just plain wrong and he has been caught out...can you trust him?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 07-Feb-13 02:15:37

HE needs reassurance from YOU? The man who was on dating sites when you were pregnant, and emailing women online? Needs reassurance. Because "his ex cheated". What sort of reassurance, OP? Does he have issues with you going out without him? Talking to other men, having male friends? Those are the sorts of things that men who are all about "reassurance because the ex cheated" (a classic script) tend to require.

How about he reassures you, once in a while? Because HE CHEATED. You didn't!

And then there's the other stuff:

You don't drive, and it doesn't sound like a priority to him to make room for that in the budget. It has to happen. A SAHM with two small children, without access to a car, in an area with bad PT, is in a completely unreasonable position. I did this with DC1 - I did drive, but he needed the only car for work - and my pre-requisite for DC2 was that we bought a second car. I'd hardly leave the house otherwise! If he's not willing to make sacrifices to get you driving lessons, I'd seriously question what's in it for him that you're stuck at home. "Reassurance", again? When you say you're trying to save - do you have access to the family money? Or just child benefit?

And this is a massive red flag:
My friends and I have drifted apart now, distance is one and we were never a close knit group and I may get a night out with friends thrown back at me

So you're isolated. You don't drive, you have no contact with friends. You never go out. He gets to go out. And have a life. And cheat! And you, you stay at home, reassuring him that you're not his ex.

Halsbury Wed 06-Feb-13 21:55:08

Thank you for the advice, re his text, it came after a message he sent apologising for being narky with me and saying he can't say anything right so he's not going to say anything- so I decided to talk as little as possible to him, partially because I didn't want to snap back and also I do retreat into my own little world when I'm trying to figure things out.

He feels safer texting as he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to him via text/phone call. I suppose he's taken the easy option.

We couldn't move as we're mortgaged and we would end up owing the mortgage company at the moment and paying it off would cripple us more so than we are. I'm hoping that as DS2 gets older I can get into groups more and start new friendships, I've found the playground mums avoid me.

I'm looking at voluntary work, there's something at a local school that would be lovely to do and a real challenge for me, I would just need some childcare sorting, I will have to make more of an effort to look into it.

The online stuff really is grinding at me now, years after they have happened, once was forgivable, twice means I'm a bloody mug.

He's very insecure in general, his ex was sleeping with another man in his bed and he seems to need lots of reassurance from me.

Sorry if I'm all over the place, my mind is struggling to keep up with everything I'm trying to say

frustratedworkingmum Wed 06-Feb-13 21:22:06

I think you feel the way you do because of how things are for YOU. You are feeling trapped and unfulfilled. This is something that you need to talk to him about - but im not sure it is him that makes you feel this way. I bet if you were working or at least had more going on your feelings towards your DH would be different. I wish i had the answers to help you get out and about more and find a job (you will find something eventually i promise). How about some voluntary work or is that not feasible?

I would worry about the online stuff though, that is not acceptable.

Don't tell him you don't love him, tell him you are not happy and look for ways to change that.

Ohmydays Wed 06-Feb-13 21:19:14

I've pm'd you - hope it's helpful x

Lovingfreedom Wed 06-Feb-13 21:14:24

To be honest the question itself is worrying....He asked 'do you love me?'....it's all about him isn't it? It's not something like 'are we ok?' Or 'we both love each other right?'.

Lovingfreedom Wed 06-Feb-13 21:11:12

Hmm...few red flags...I would suggest spending some time working out what you want before you leap in to talking to your partner. You might find individual counselling helps you make up your mind.

Monty27 Wed 06-Feb-13 21:10:36

Could you both discuss moving house when you've aired your feelings?

Hassled Wed 06-Feb-13 21:06:36

Why did he ask the question? It's an odd text to send from work, isn't it? It implies he knows how unhappy you are and is feeling pretty insecure.

And from what you say, it all sounds salvageable, with some changes - could you move to somewhere within striking distance of the new job but also with public transport and the chance for you to make new friends? If he doesn't like going out you might have to just swallow that (although equally, he should compromise to some extent), but that shouldn't mean you can't.

badinage Wed 06-Feb-13 21:06:10

I'm not surprised you aren't in love with him as it sounds like he is constantly looking for ways to be unfaithful.

You don't have to stay married to someone who does this to you and who's trashed your feelings for him.

Think instead about the different life you could have without him. An area you prefer, near to friends and babysitters, near to public transport and better job opportunities, where you can go out without feeling guilty. Why would you trade that for life with an unfaithful bore?

Halsbury Wed 06-Feb-13 21:01:15

Nomad Why?

Halsbury Wed 06-Feb-13 21:00:28

Love is definitely a commitment, I agree wholeheartedly with that. We've been through some very testing times, especially in our first year of the relationship and it was a very fast moving start, but I can't seem to shake this feeling that I don't love him how he should be loved.

That sounds quite crappy written down but I can't quite explain what I mean.

nomadwantshome Wed 06-Feb-13 21:00:06

Marking my place.

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