essay writer, much shorter version, any hope?

[carolst]

Lovely husband/Dad feels financial failure/falling apart house/parent issues etc etc, depressed doesn't get help. Completely stressed and suicidal looks for job. The agency has a lady who has had affairs with clients before, boosts his confidence, hounds him. Has one of worst stressed weeks ever and finally replies to her text. Start an obsessive texting affair. Constant texts, maybe 50 a day. No physical contact. He gets found out and walks out but says not linked to her. Obsessed. Loyal lovely loving for 19 years, flips for 5. Still texting. Meanwhile 4 kids totally devasted, wife heartbroken, very confused. Any hope? Thanks

[carolst]

Flips for 5 months sorry not years. Totally out of charachter. Still obsessive texting so how can he judge his relationship. I feel it's an escape that he's clinging on to as can't deal with depression or feelings of failure. Opinions please.
so lost at moment. 4 really heartbroken babies, heartbroken mummy. My best friend, lover, rock for 19 years.
Thank you.

[Lovingfreedom]

Hmm.....well he's obsessed with OW at the moment. That is clear. So you've found out. He knows you know and is still texting obsessively? What's he saying?

[DevonCiderPunk]

Are you the Dad or the Mum?

[garlicblocks]

I'm unclear as to why you've posted two different takes on your story?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1674494-Lovely-hubby-depressed-them-emotional-affair-now-moved-out

He sounds very, very messed up. I don't pretend to know whether he has some weird illness, a mental disorder or is just a twat. We could explore this with you, but I'd rather your focus shifted towards yourself and your children. I'm pretty sure depression can't be held to account for this amount of damaging behaviour, over this length of time - you imply here it's been five months but it's actually been 3 years or more, hasn't it?

Would you please ask MNHQ to delete one of your threads so people can get a sequential conversation going with you?

[carolst]

I am focusing on my children. Raising 4 of them in a broken house with no car, trying to ease their pain while suffering myself. Trying to explain to them, while myself is so confused.
The reason I posted twice was I waffle, so tried to be briefer in this one to see if I got more replies.
Garlicblocks, where did you get 3 years from? I didn't say that. It hasn't been 3 years? 5 months texting, 10 months before that attempted suicide. Never seen by a doctor. Since that, punching himself in head, head butting walls.

[garlicblocks]

I am sorry. I understand you must be stressed beyond all limits and my post does sound a bit snippy, I guess.

I found your long post painted a good picture; it was hard to read because no paragraphs, is all.

I picked up on this ...
He got increasingly frustrated with himself to the point of punching his head or head butting walls. One day he actually left to commit suicide, he was convinced he kept letting us down and that we'd be better of without him. This was at the end of 2011.

... and, with what you said about situations leading up to that dreadful point, reckoned it must have been throughout 2011 and probably the year before as well. Living under highly stressful weirdness does lead us to develop adapted modes to cope with things, and your story made me think you've probably been doing it for longer than you realised.

So, Carol, are you clinging to hopes that things'll get better, or thinking about ways to go forward without H? How have the DC coped with all the weirdness? And how broken is the house?

[garlicblocks]

Sorry again ...

You posted this on your other thread: I am not going to sit around and wait for him to come to his senses, I am going to, and have been wrapping my babies in triple love and hope. It is hard, but I do do that everyday. I even hold my anger towards him to help him cope with them when he visits and i can see he is losing it.

OK. So this is about moving forward? Can you make your mind up that he is DUMPED and detach enough from his saga to leave him to it? No further need to snipe at him, as no relevance?

Counselling can really help with this, but I don't know whether you'd have the funds?

[Charbon]

Your first thread was fine, but I'm guessing you got replies that you don't want to hear.

I honestly think your narrative around this chain of events is flawed. Your husband is responsible for what's happened and nothing and no-one else are to blame. He has left you to pick up the pieces again and is still having an affair.

[carolst]

Charbon, I didn't have replies on the first one when I posted the second. That's why I posted it, as I said.

He's greatly reduced the amount of texts to her. Yes he should of stopped. I know.

I do not really care about material things, so am not painting a sob story BUT when I mean things are bad in the house, I mean bad. Literally we walk in the door, turn on the light and the fuses trip out, so he has to go and by some. This can happen twice a week. You walk further, and are surrounded by half decorated broken wallks, no skirtings etc. You walk further and literally every single cm is in dire need of work. We need to get rid of our car but can't afford a new one. As he worked long hours when he was here the kids wanted him, I wanted him, but then there are the jobs. It was pull from every direction. He is constantly being put down by his family. Our friends little boy died age 7, and then our best friends daughter got diagnosed with a terminal degenerative illness. Everything came from all angles. He tried to fix it for us, he tried to nearly kill himself working days and nights, and I mean literally without sleep for 4 days on the trot, then still working days for 3 days. This man would have done anything for us. He got increasingly frustrated with certain friends having it so easy, and just snapped. This said, yes he has done something terrible to us. BUT 19 years of a lovely man. Should I give up on him simply because he's lost himself. He's a wreck too. I am not putting him before my babies, but I know what they need, and I am providing it. That's why I posted here as I needed help with the H part of the problem.

I am not ready to move on, that's the point. He has convinced himself he is not good enough for us. That's what the suicide text was about. Him letting us down financially and nt providing a safe house for us to live in. A man who would seriously nearly kill himself to try and lift us out of it but yet it still didn't work. Would you seriously give up on such a good man after flipping for the last few months?!

Even his own friends know what he's done is wrong, but also think he doesn't know what on earth he's doing and is depressed. I am not saying he'll ever flip back, who knows, and I am not putting everything on hold in the meantime, but just wanted some ideas and help towards that part of my problem.

[garlicblocks]

Honestly, I think you need to sever your ties at least temporarily. ALL of your posts have been about him, you are suffering "for" him. The only direction that can lead is towards your own breakdown, regardless of whether he's having one.

Can you pack him off to live with a friend for a few months, or does anyone have a holiday place they can lend him? HE needs to be forced to think about himself objectively. If that means deciding to go with Ms Texty, it does. But he needs head space and that needs physical space.

House. Horrid, I know, I spend half my life living in to-be-completed homes and would, now, give a great deal to be in a recently built box that just works!!
First things first, why are the fuses tripping and why is he going to buy new ones? Have you got an old-fashioned fuse box (with the vial fuses)? You may qualify for a free new-style one, ring the electricity people. Then you just have to flip the switch.

It sounds like your house may need rewiring; have you had this checked? Again, ring electricity folks. If the wiring's dangerous, your house could burn your family to death. Think about these things. You're sounding very helpless, but I don't think you are. Your common sense has been consumed by your husband's weird behaviour. Get him out of your lives - for a while - so you can focus on what you do well, which is make a home and love your children.

[garlicblocks]

Please reply about the wiring, I'm worried for you.

[carolst]

Garlicblocks, thank you for your concern. The fuses is to do with the lights in the living room and dining room. I am getting someone to change them for me. Thank you.

I am not helpless, and I agree I do get consumed with thinking about the situation.

He does need time alone, I agree. Part of the reason he used to get so down was going out with a male side of a couple we are friends with who would constantly brag about his spending/earning/treating his wife to this and that. This couple are now offering us support, but seem to think he needs to be taken out and kept busy, where as I personally think he needs time alone to sort himself out, but there is nothing I can do about their wrong ideas of help.

He does want to come round constantly. He stayed for over 7 hours yesterday. He came again today. I tried keeping him away last weekend, but then cannot deny him access to the kids otherwise I'll get accused of using them.

He comes from a family of depressives. His Dad is depressed, his Grandad was depressed. I will do everything in my power to make sure my babies don't end up like that.

[carolst]

He tells us all how much he misses us and how lost he is, but seems to fail to understand he is the one causing it all. No-one asked him to text her and no-one asked him to leave.

[Doha]

Yes here is a man who is having his cake and eating it.

He is still texting the OW but expecting you to accommodate him whenever he feels like it. He is neither missing you nor lost. He is simply using you.

Waken up and smell the coffee OP.

[cestlavielife]

why has he never been to a doctor? you say he tried to kill himself yet he has never seen a doctor? that does not follow. ubless you and he hid it. if so - why? time to be open
none of this makes sense.
you want to help him - get him to see mental health people.

but he has checked out, gone off with someone else. you cannot fix him.

youa re telling us all sorts of reasona why he is the way he is. well so what? lots of people deal with all kinds of things and dont do this: either he is eriously ill and needs help - get him to MH people and therapy (or rather he needs to get himself the help - he is an adult and he needs to seek help)

you need to focus on you.
have the dc see him elsewhere.
you do not have to deny him access but you dont have to have him see them in your home - have him take them out selsewhere so you can fix the house up .

get people in to fix the house.

you can't stop your babies getting depressed -now or in the future - if is a clinical illness in the family. but you can get them some help to deal with it if it happens.

go to your gp. tell all. get yourself some support.

tell him to go see someone.

if you think it is safe have him take the dc out to his place or elsewhere so you can have time alone in the house to start fixing what needs fixing.


you need to take charge of your house here and your own destiny -regardless of where he is going

[garlicblocks]

Thanks for replying :) I'm glad it's being fixed. Phew!!

He comes from a family of depressives ... I will do everything in my power to make sure my babies don't end up like that.

YY and, as you know, the large part of what you can do is provide stability, unconditionality, safety; attention, affection, affirmation. None of this is possible with an erratic, self-absorbed, emotionally unstable adult in the family.

There is a well-tested strategy of loving separation. I think it could help you. It's all about boundaries.
Give him and the DC fixed visiting arrangements. No show, no visit, and no out-of-hours rule bending tolerated. You can even have this drawn up legally if you want, though an email between you should suffice.
Invite him to family events - even Sunday dinner if you want - with clear understanding that he's welcome but doesn't have to come. Set a place for him, then forget about him.
Refuse to engage in any 'relationship' conversation with him. Rehearse detaching statements like "Your feelings are your business" and "I will not discuss this with you."

To make this work perfectly it is essential that you stop thinking of him as central to your family. In your mental map of the characters in your life, move him from the middle circle to a small circle of his own, in the same orbit as second-degree relations and second-level friends.

There are some websites about this, but I've forgotten the name it goes by. Anyway, that's it more or less

What do you think?

[garlicblocks]

go to your gp. tell all. get yourself some support.

Carol, there is a strange closeness - secrecy? - about the problems you're having. It's really time to reach out and find what real-life support there is for you.

[carolst]

Sorry secrecy? Do you mean about his suicide thing? I agree, I don't know what happened. He was going to the doctors, but then just got washed away with life, then he started denying he would of gone through with it. I wish I had forced him.

There was no secrecy about our other problems, everyone felt sorry for him with his parents, house, money etc. The problem is that no-one can actually solve those problems for you. You can help with decorating, but you can't change a persons hours so their home to decorate, or give them money to pay bills and fix things.

I do need support, and I am calling gingerbread and tax credits tomorrow.

I have been wrtten off work for 2 weeks, but due this week, can't face it, can't get there, can't deal with that on top of everything else just yet.

He was the type of the Dad that would get teary with me about all the cute little things, he was the type of Dad who sat with us as a family doing arts and crafts, he was a really really hands on Dad.

Anyway, he isn't now, as he's left so things change.

[garlicblocks]

he isn't now, as he's left so things change.

Hard, isn't it :( Poor you.

I'm really glad you're calling on support. It's time to bring all your energy into your new family situation, get some plans together and communicate some enthusiasm to your children. Do ask your GP for another sick note.
Wishing you well. Remember to eat!!

[carolst]

OK dealing with things now from more our point of view rather that his.

After his suicide thing (8 months before he started text thing with OW) he started getting more angry at kids, calling them disgusting, he put mustard in one's mouth... it was awful... proper shut us all out of kitchen, and did it. Horrific. He'd ignore them, or go completely mental at them. This wasn't all the time, and pre suicide thing was fab Dad, after the texting started he got worse, again at times. One minute he's up, the next he's down.

My point is I have given him loads of access, but it has always been at home, supervised by me. I genuinely feel this is needed.

I annoyed the OW last Sunday night, and have been told by her DH (that she is seperating from) that she now has it in for me, and is also going after my DH. Since this my DH's behaviour has changed, he was here every second he could be, and offering to pay for everything, suddenly not here as much, acting difficult and even mentioned court today as not happy with supervied access. Before annoying OW he wanted us all to go out together to zoo etc, was happy here supervised but all changed. I know she is in his head telling him what to do.

Problem is now if he takes me to court can I get supervised access with no overnight visits. I cannot trust him due to his recent emotional abuse. The mustard thing really was awful. This is genuinely what I feel is best for the kids, as I cannot trust him alone entirely, I know he wouldn't physically hurt them but may not be able to handle them without the anger outbursts. He never saw anyone about his depression, or suicide attempt or for punching his own head repeatidly or head butting walls. I feel he needs to be assessed but can lie so well.... or has leart to in last 5 months.

Even today he popped round and within 2 minutes had a headache, he was only dealing with 2 of the 4 kids at that point and they weren't even being that loud by their standards. How could he deal with all 4 by himself.

Thanks,

[carolst]

Oh and he himself agreed that his parents should no longer be alone with my babies as they seems to constantly put them down, so their supervision isn't great either. Although he'll probably deny that now.