Lovely hubby, depressed them emotional affair now moved out

[carolst]

Hi, this is only my second post ever on here. The first was before I found out about my husband's emotional affair. Although many of you suspected something.
We have been together nearly 20 years, we have 4 lovely children, aged 9 and under. My husband has always been a wonderful partner and Dad. We had normal arguments, but nothing too bad. We moved 5 years ago and basically over stepped our budget. Things got worse when DH got a paycut. The money issues became bad. On top of that he kept making things worse by using wrong bank card, or forgetting to pay the few things he was responsible for. I had DD's set up for most things, but then he'd use wrong bank card, DD would bounce, we'd get charged and so on. He also had majr career issues. He hates his work, it doesn't pay enough but he has developed such low self esteem as he thinks he lets us down etc. He is actually terrified of appling for new jobs etc. He'd go to an agency where they do all the work but not an actual interview. Anyway, he started getting angry in mornings, shuting at kids, making more and more mone errors. He got increasingly frustrated with himself to the point of punching his head or head butting walls. One day he actually left to committ suicide, he was convinced he kept letting us down and that we'd be better of without him. This was at the end of 2011. SOmehow I managed to get him back but he never made it to doctors.
Anyway, in 2012, the money issues continued, and then everything started to break in our house. It needs so much money spending on it, which we don't have. If we don't talk about money we all get on really well, such happy memories. His speach became almost retarded at times, headaches etc. He was depressed but wouldn't get help. He started losing it with the kids, calling them disgusting etc. In August we went away and it was lovely. Just before we went we actually found a perfect job for him. He was convinced he'd get it and was happier. When we returned from holiday we had a terrible week. Debt collectors hounding him, we had an argument and for the first time in our relationship I made him sleep downstairs, I now look back and remember seeing his face break. On top of that he didn't get the job. He was devastated. He lost 3 stone in 3 weeks.
He went to an agency, where he met a busty blonde who filled his head with being on top of the world and they started a texting relationship. A month later he annouced he was leaving. But he didn't go. I found out about the texting in November, where they both conviced me it would stop. In January I found out it hadn't stopped and was actually obsessive. I am talking 4 texts a minute sometimes. So now he's left. We are devastated. My lovely man felt a failure, flipped and broke and got lifted by someone who was meant to help him get a job. He won't admit it's anything to do with her though. Should I give up on him?

[Sioda]

He hasn't always been a wonderful partner and dad. He's shouted at and verbally abused your children, used you and probably them as emotional punch bags for his anger and frustration, he's betrayed you and lied to you, their mother and now he's left you all and apparently doesn't want to come back. You can be depressed and also just be a sh*t you know? They're not mutually exclusive. He's not lovely and he's not a broken china doll. He's a grown man who's chosen to do everything he's done and to not get help for his problems.

Your post is all about him and how hard a time he's had the past few years. What about you and the kids? How has his behaviour affected your children? You're way too focused on poor little him and on keeping him on an even keel and it's just not your job. You can't fix him - you've tried long and hard enough. He's left and is denying the OW has anything to do with it, so he's already given up on you. You just need to catch up with him and do the same.

[AlwaysDreaming]

Is it possible this affair was going on for longer than you thought ? Or that he was previously having an affair with someone else ? Many people think their spouse is depressed when in fact the reason for their detatchment and grumpyness is someone else .

I couldnt tolerate someone being irresponsible and running up bank charges when things are already tight . No real advice , but im sorry this has happened to you .

[Skyebluesapphire]

My XZh was texting OW over 100 times a day and denied anything was going on, yet walked out of our marriage right out of nowhere.

I am so sorry for you but once their head is turned by somebody else they will make their partner out to be the villain and come up with all sorts if excuses as to why they had to leave.

Until the bubble bursts, OW will take priority over everything else.

You need to look after yourself from now on, get legal advice and put you and your children first and make a new life without him.

[Charbon]

I'm sure I remember your earlier thread and posted on it that I thought your husband was having an affair.

I'm sorry that's proved to be the case, but yes I think you should give up on this now. He has treated you terribly.

[carolst]

Skyebluesapphire. Sorry to hear you had a similar experience. DId your XZh start a relationship with the OW?

I am truly focused on my children. My heart is broken for them more than anything. He was a brilliant Dad until recently. This is what confuses me more than anything. He flips and changes. It is really weird. One minute a lovely man, planning for future, then he flips in to this monster. The monster never used to be there. They are as confused as me. They think he went weird when he started a second job (which they don't know conincides with "it") He was working all day, then working nights too.

I am sure he wasn't having an affair before, yes. Completely. I am also sure that this is texting, and nothing physical has happened. On occasions when I don't know where he is, he has been texting, I have seen this in black and white.

He went to her agency for a job. He even told me that he did. Then cooincidently all our massive bills/house/kid issues/not getting the one job he thought he could actually get raise their ugly heads in one week. When I told him to sleep downstairs I saw him break.

She persued him and made him feel he wasn't the low life he believed he was. I know his head has been turned, but I also know it was an escape. I also know it is obsessional. She has made herself out to be some poor abused housewife, grief stricken etc, no smoking, drinking etc... yet I know she drinks 2 bottles of wine a night, smokes, and has done it once proven before, and suspected more times. She is also quite volitile in evenings when she drinks.

It is hard if people have been burnt to comment objectively.... but I may also have rose tinted glasses. I just know for 19 years I had a lovey man, then suddenly whoosh and he flips.

He comes round and is 2 different people before my eyes. One kisses, cuddles, I love you, the other red faced, headache and moody. So confusing.

[Skyebluesapphire]

Your husband's behaviour does sound like he is quite disturbed, but if you can't get him to seek medical advice, then there is not much more you can do. Depression does do funny things to people and it does really sound like he needs some sort of help.


Regarding the texting, well that is obviously out of order, and is a way of escaping from his life and his problems. Regarding my own story, my XH and I never even argued, then one night he just walked out saying he was unhappy and didn't feel the same any more. He messed me around for a few weeks, then left for good. After that I discovered that he had been texting OW for weeks, emailing her etc every day.

He is still seeing OW, but she is still married to his best mate..... I defended my XH saying that they were only texting, nothing going on, but the thing is, it is all cheating, if its done behind your back and they are saying things that they wouldnt say in front of you....

The thing is, it is all ego stroking, as you are aware, she will be telling him how wonderful he is, how lovely he is, and he will think she is wonderful too....

The thing is, these women are a great distraction, but the men will carry their problems with them wherever they go...

[Sioda]

Carol this didn't happen because you asked him to sleep downstairs. After 19 years it takes more than that to break a marriage or a person. Everyone argues. Not everyone cheats. And who the OW is or what she's like doesn't matter at all. This isn't about some cliched busty blonde seducing her poor, low self-esteemy victim. They do change completely when they're cheating, often into someone unrecognisable no matter how long you've known them. The schizophrenic mood swings are standard issue too. It's bizarre but it's normal. You're not seeing it clearly because you believe the myth about OW being manipulative harlots who take advantage of vulnerable men.

Your rose-tinted glasses are ignoring the angry man who lost it with the kids, shouted at them and called them disgusting. Who wouldn't get help and instead kept taking it out on his family. He still won't get help. Is there hope? Well, there's always hope. Of course it's possible he'll have a sudden epiphany, cut himself off from his new obsession and do the hard work of sorting himself out. But is it likely in the foreseeable future? You know it's not. Is that the kind of hope you want to be rebuilding your kid's lives around? If you don't give up on him what exactly would that entail? What can you actually do that you haven't already done? Beg?

[carolst]

Thanks for the comments.
You are right, there is nothing I can do. If he won't get help and he is a grown man. I know in my heart that he will regret this, and I know in my heart this isn't him, well the normal him, but that doesn't matter as it is still him at the moment.
I am not going to sit around and wait for him to come to his senses, I am going to, and have been wrappng my babies in triple love and hope. It is hard, but I do do that everyday. I even hold my anger towards him to help him cope with them when he visits and i can see he is losing it. I do have snipes, and I do have a go, but only when kids are out of earshot. One thing that people may not agree with though is he will not be having the kids overnight. They are really hurt, really disrupted (and his visits make them worse). I let him see them as much as he wants, and have invted him loads, but I will not allow him to have overnight. I cannot trust his behaviour, his temper, or whether he'd be too obsessed texting her to watch them properly. It has been nearly 3 weeks now.
btw, quite funnily, she is a busty makeup clad blonde, everything he doesn't like, but yes it is him I am betrayed by.
It is hard to move on when you know it is wrong. If I knew it was true, if I knew we had problems in relationship... not the material problems I know we face.... but real problems I could maybe accept it but there is nothng I can do.

SkyBlue, messy, his best mate. How awful on all sides. Do you find it hard to not tell his best mate? This OW is seperating from her hubbie as she begged for him to forgve her, but because of her history in this behaviour he couldn't, he tried, but it didn't work so she basically told him she'd go after my DH.

Sioda, I know it wasn't just sleeping downstairs, but at that point his parents, everything i can think of was going wrong, and then I turned on him too. It is no excuse at all, it is just funny that I can time it to week.
Thanks

[Charbon]

In my experience, men don't leave relationships with children for a 'texting affair' and it is so heartbreaking to see the denial you're in - and how you seem to want to blame everyone (including yourself) and everything (fairly typical 2013 money worries) rather than blame the person who's really at fault for this.

This is a man who failed to better his circumstances because he couldn't cope with interviews, incurred debt by being disorganised with the accounts he used, failed to go to the doctors when his anger and suspected depression started making everyone's life hell, repeatedly walked out and scared the hell out of you by threatening suicide, started an affair and lied to you repeatedly about it - and has now walked out on his family for the other woman.

I think you need to get angry and stop thinking of him as a great guy who got corrupted by another woman and unusual circumstances. To me, he sounds enormously selfish and as though you've been mothering him for years.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I can see where you are coming from regarding access. I remember XH being very distracted with his phone and not watching DD when we were together, although I didn't know why at the time... But if you feel that your H may not look after them properly then you are right to refuse overnight access. you could ask for controlled visits at a contact centre, if you don't want him in your house.

My XH did change his personality to a degree. My mum witnessed him pushing DD over when she tried to grab his phone one day when he was using it. He became very short tempered with DD as well. He became very cold to me once his head was full of OW. I have tried to tell his mate, he believes their story that they are just friends.... He used to detest this woman, thought his mate was mad to marry her. She is 17 years younger than him and slightly deranged....

The main thing is that you need to look after yourself and your children, make sure you are all safe . Get some legal advice too. Start to live your life as a single person, sort out your tax credits, benefits you may get, council tax reduction etc. Put yourself first, sort your life out and let him do the same..

[carolst]

Charbon, wel he certainly wasn't mothered. Infact he looked after us, that was the whole problem, he had this very big thing of looking after us. But yes he has done this, I know he is responsible but what I am saying is he was crying out for help when he went to commit, but no-one helped him, not even me. I begged him to come back, I stopped him from doing it, but I should of done more. Yes, he's a grown man and could of done something and should of himself. Yes this has happened. BUT wouldn't you find it hard to just accept that your lovely devoted man, who got so lost turned in to a wanker suddenly and just move on.... after 19 years really?

Skyeblue, yes thank you I agree, I do just need to live life as a single person and look after my 4 babies well. I can have him in the house, and do very frequently. He looks like he wants to come back, but is scared. The texting has reduced greatly, but that isn't good enough, and he needs help so I wouldn't have him back just like that anyway. I couldn't as unless he sorted himself he could start shouting at kids etc again which I wouldn't stand.

At least you know you tried to tell the best mate... again nothing really more you can do. I hope you're doing well. How long had you been together? It must have come as a total knife in the heart out of the blue like that. Thanks for your advice.

[carolst]

He didn't leave several times, just once. He hasn't left to be with her, he's at his Mum's. He's had several opportunies to be with her and hasn't.

[carolst]

Maybe I am in denial. Who knows. But it is only because how can it make sense.

[Skyebluesapphire]

We had been together for almost ten years and married for 6. He changed overnight, from a loving family man, into a cheater. The sort of man that he himself despised.

It is very hard to accept that the man you love has changed so much and of course you make as many excuses as you can as to why it might of happened....

It is the same old story though, over and over, sadly..