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Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

Just read this thread, totally shockingsad
Well done Peg for getting out. Please take the advice other posters have given seriously.
I'm sorry not to be of any help personally p, but big hugs to you and your children.
Stay strong xxxxxxxx thanks

Ruprekt Thu 31-Jan-13 15:21:31

Peg - how are things today?

What is your next move? Are your parents supportive?

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-13 14:44:33

well done. SS can support and help you. you need to tell someone official.

if you intend to get occupation order for your house and him out etc this needs to be recorded.

his superiors need to know. i doesnt need to be you who tells them though - you can report to SS and GP and get their support
you need protection .

report because oehrwise in few weeks you will be back where you started - or he will be having unsupervised contact and harming the children even more .... he probably wont change a jot, until/unless he has an epiphany - my ex years alter still does not recognize that anything he has done is "wrong" - still makes excuses..

amillionyears Thu 31-Jan-13 14:19:59
BerylStreep Thu 31-Jan-13 13:25:36

I can understand the reticence the op has about contacting the police. I very much doubt that the police would 'back their own', in fact the complete opposite. I think they will take this very seriously and this a job loser for her H which will have a knock on effect on her and her DC.

There is a wider debate about whether someone with such violent and abusive tendencies should be in the police, and whether their temper and contempt spills over in their dealings with the public, and in particular vulnerable members of society, however I understand the OP's primary concern is her DC.

However SS, the school or the GP can still provide support and safeguarding without the need to go to the police.

Peg, I am so glad you have gone to your parents. I hope your DS has got lots of cuddles from you.

THERhubarb Thu 31-Jan-13 12:00:52

(just as an aside, if you do change your mind about the police, being arrested might just bring it home to him that what he did was completely and utterly WRONG. There is nothing like interrogation and being locked in a police cell to bring you to your senses and make you examine your choices and what led to your being there.)

THERhubarb Thu 31-Jan-13 11:58:10

Well done. I am so relieved! I had nightmares about that poor child.

Look, please please don't go back to him. He will turn on the charm and make empty promises, but you also have a promise to keep and one which I sincerely hope won't turn out to be empty.

You and your children now need time to heal. Your son may develop a toilet phobia, especially as he has Asperger's as they tend to dwell on things like this. A trip to the GP might help there if he does and they can arrange counselling or CBT.

How are the older ones coping? Have they suffered at the hands of this man too? You might all be offered family counselling to help you come to terms with it. I urge you to accept because growing up in this environment does affect children, even if it doesn't show now. It affects future relationships, their self-esteem and so on. My siblings have made some pretty disasterous decisions in their life because of the emotional abuse my mum metered out to us. With my sister, unfortunately she has continued on that vicious cycle and her children are now suffering at her hands. (Yes social services are involved but emotional abuse is a hard thing to prove.)

Please do take care of yourself as well as the children. You have done a very brave thing and trust me, it will turn out to be the best decision you ever made. You will need to keep being strong now and remember that you have already given him several chances but he has proved that he is incapable of changing his ways. He doesn't even see that what he is doing is wrong. Don't allow him to ruin your lives again.

Keep us updated if you can. You have plenty of support here.

daffsarecomingup Thu 31-Jan-13 11:24:38

Dear Peg,

Just read this thread. Well done for leaving. it was a brave thing to do and your children will be so relieved.

Hope you are ok. my thoughts are with you.

I didn't see this thread yesterday, and have just read it through now. Pegpolkadot - my heart goes out to you and your children, and I am glad you have left this man.

I do think you need to take some more steps now, whilst your resolve is firm and before your husband has had a chance to get in touch and undermine that resolve. Please report this to the school - if you don't tell them what's happened, and that your son is under no circumstances to go with your husband, he could come into the school and take your son out.

I also think you should take your son to the doctor, to make sure he hasn't been injured by your husband.

aufaniae Thu 31-Jan-13 10:59:33

The Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247.

They can give you great advice and support.

If you can't get through, do leave your number - or I've heard they're easier to get through to in the evenings (it's a 24 hour line).

PetiteRaleuse Thu 31-Jan-13 10:47:35

It's a new day OP , how are you feeling?

Well done for removing your children from that awful situation. You son will thank you when he grows up.

Please get some advice from Women's Aid and some legal advice. You need to do this otherwise your husband will be able to get unsupervised access with your children as there will be nothing on record about his abuse of them.

Women's Aid can even support you in moving out of area if he works in your local Police force and you are scared of reporting locally.

cuggles Thu 31-Jan-13 10:37:21

Theas - What you say about ss involvement is no doubt correct but before you offer advice like "grow a pair!" read the thread back even a bit..... she has acted and is staying with her parents with the children now...Well done Peg - an excellent first step. Be brave now and continue down this path...you have to! Good luck!

Theas18 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:05:07

You have to act. Police and out of there with the kids.

Not to scare you but to point out that social services could be involved with you ( as well as him) . This is "failure to protect" if you don't act , and quite rightly a 9yr old that you allow ( or are cowed into allowing) to be abused is going to be subject of safeguarding proceedings. Grow a pair, get your kids away from the abuser and social services will be on your side.

NicknameTaken Thu 31-Jan-13 09:43:07

So glad you've taken the dcs to a safe place. That's what a good mother does.

I know this time is confusing and hard, because you may not feel fully committed to an escape plan, and he will be bringing emotional pressure to bear on you. I would still urge you to call Women's Aid - they can help break down the actions you need to take into simple steps and support you all the way.

Just don't go back - don't worry about practical things like schooling or possessions and certainly not about your H is feeling. Give yourself plenty of headspace - you don't need to rush into anything.

nilbyname Thu 31-Jan-13 08:55:07

You are safe, your children are safe. You have made a big step today, so feel proud of that. Now you have started you just need to keep going.

There is a well of support for you here on MN.

Call WA. Please call them.

retrocutie Thu 31-Jan-13 08:54:19

Just read this thread. OP, I cannot believe you have not reported this to the police. What if he requests unsupervised contact sometime in the future? What are you going to say? You can't refuse on the grounds that he is violent to the DC because you never reported it.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 31-Jan-13 08:51:02

Well done Peg - I'm so relieved that you have some support & that your DC are away from your H. I can imagaine what a very stressful day it must have been - but you really have done the right thing. I don't know you - but I'm proud of you for taking this step - it was a brave thing to do.

BertieBotts Thu 31-Jan-13 08:43:38

Fantastic OP. I'm glad you've made this very difficult step, it's the right thing to do. If you're ever in any doubt just remember your DS sobbing and asking you to promise it won't happen again - he is safe now. That must mean the world to him.

I agree speak to school, if they are going to school today. If nothing else they must know that your "D"H must not be allowed to pick them up under any circumstances.

Also Women's Aid will be a great support to you - contact them as well. They will not force or persuade you to do anything, just support with whatever direction you want to take this now.

How are your parents, are they being supportive?

AngelWreakinHavoc Thu 31-Jan-13 08:33:51

Well done Peg. The first step is always the hardest.
You have lots of support here, please keep us updated and we shall advise/help best we can thanks

TheGoatThatGotAway Thu 31-Jan-13 08:27:57

Good morning from me too. Thinking of you and offering a hand to hold through the day.

Good morning Peg. Wishing you all the strength you need to take whatever steps you have to take today. Hope you got some sleep and hope your dcs are ok.

5madthings Wed 30-Jan-13 23:28:16

Well done for getting out op!! Take it a day at time, there is support on here, you can do this, much love and strength xx

aufaniae Wed 30-Jan-13 23:27:40

Peg you've done the right thing. I hope your parents are giving you the support you need.

Women's Aid can help you find out where you stand legally and give you really good support. They are very busy, but don't let that put you off - if you leave your number, they will get back to you.

It is important you report him. I know it may well seem daunting, but if you don't, then he could be granted access to the children by a court against your wishes.

Wishing you strength to get through this bit.

VitoCorleone Wed 30-Jan-13 23:27:40

Oh God thats awful sad cant imagine how your poor DS must have felt, especially seeing as though he was already scared to go to the toilet, in fact thats probably one of the saddest things ive ever read on here.

Glad to hear you're at your parents house now. You really should report him, protect your children, it must be bloody awful for them living in fear.

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