Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know where to turn - DH thinks his behaviour is acceptable, I can't get through to him

(239 Posts)
Pegpolkadot Wed 30-Jan-13 07:39:03

DH has always had a vile side. He has never laid a finger on me and never would but because his mother was physically abusive to him he in turn finds it acceptable to shout and hit the children.

The thing I can't understand is that he doesn't see that what he does to his own children is no different to what she did to him and that in the end they will feel the same way about him as he does about her.

Last night was bad. My DS1 aged 9 who has Aspergers revealed the extent of his constipation at about 10.30 when we came up to bed. He was terrified it was going to hurt so wouldn't go to the toilet. DH said I was being too nice about it and that he was going to make himself ill so he would deal with it. He towered over him shouting in his face, he tried hitting and punching him to scare him into it and when he repeatedly coughed he put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

As I put him to bed DS1 cried and asked me to promise I would never let that happen again sad

I have got to go on a course today so DH is in charge. Not worried as big 2 at school then my parents are picking them up from school. He will be fine with the 3 year old.

If DS discloses at school today they will call social services and part of me hopes he does. There is a good chance he will because of his Aspergers.

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling him this thing is not acceptable. I threatened to leave in August but he begged me to stay and changed for a while but the old him is creeping back in.

WWYD???

Theas18 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:05:07

You have to act. Police and out of there with the kids.

Not to scare you but to point out that social services could be involved with you ( as well as him) . This is "failure to protect" if you don't act , and quite rightly a 9yr old that you allow ( or are cowed into allowing) to be abused is going to be subject of safeguarding proceedings. Grow a pair, get your kids away from the abuser and social services will be on your side.

cuggles Thu 31-Jan-13 10:37:21

Theas - What you say about ss involvement is no doubt correct but before you offer advice like "grow a pair!" read the thread back even a bit..... she has acted and is staying with her parents with the children now...Well done Peg - an excellent first step. Be brave now and continue down this path...you have to! Good luck!

Well done for removing your children from that awful situation. You son will thank you when he grows up.

Please get some advice from Women's Aid and some legal advice. You need to do this otherwise your husband will be able to get unsupervised access with your children as there will be nothing on record about his abuse of them.

Women's Aid can even support you in moving out of area if he works in your local Police force and you are scared of reporting locally.

PetiteRaleuse Thu 31-Jan-13 10:47:35

It's a new day OP , how are you feeling?

aufaniae Thu 31-Jan-13 10:59:33

The Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247.

They can give you great advice and support.

If you can't get through, do leave your number - or I've heard they're easier to get through to in the evenings (it's a 24 hour line).

I didn't see this thread yesterday, and have just read it through now. Pegpolkadot - my heart goes out to you and your children, and I am glad you have left this man.

I do think you need to take some more steps now, whilst your resolve is firm and before your husband has had a chance to get in touch and undermine that resolve. Please report this to the school - if you don't tell them what's happened, and that your son is under no circumstances to go with your husband, he could come into the school and take your son out.

I also think you should take your son to the doctor, to make sure he hasn't been injured by your husband.

daffsarecomingup Thu 31-Jan-13 11:24:38

Dear Peg,

Just read this thread. Well done for leaving. it was a brave thing to do and your children will be so relieved.

Hope you are ok. my thoughts are with you.

THERhubarb Thu 31-Jan-13 11:58:10

Well done. I am so relieved! I had nightmares about that poor child.

Look, please please don't go back to him. He will turn on the charm and make empty promises, but you also have a promise to keep and one which I sincerely hope won't turn out to be empty.

You and your children now need time to heal. Your son may develop a toilet phobia, especially as he has Asperger's as they tend to dwell on things like this. A trip to the GP might help there if he does and they can arrange counselling or CBT.

How are the older ones coping? Have they suffered at the hands of this man too? You might all be offered family counselling to help you come to terms with it. I urge you to accept because growing up in this environment does affect children, even if it doesn't show now. It affects future relationships, their self-esteem and so on. My siblings have made some pretty disasterous decisions in their life because of the emotional abuse my mum metered out to us. With my sister, unfortunately she has continued on that vicious cycle and her children are now suffering at her hands. (Yes social services are involved but emotional abuse is a hard thing to prove.)

Please do take care of yourself as well as the children. You have done a very brave thing and trust me, it will turn out to be the best decision you ever made. You will need to keep being strong now and remember that you have already given him several chances but he has proved that he is incapable of changing his ways. He doesn't even see that what he is doing is wrong. Don't allow him to ruin your lives again.

Keep us updated if you can. You have plenty of support here.

THERhubarb Thu 31-Jan-13 12:00:52

(just as an aside, if you do change your mind about the police, being arrested might just bring it home to him that what he did was completely and utterly WRONG. There is nothing like interrogation and being locked in a police cell to bring you to your senses and make you examine your choices and what led to your being there.)

BerylStreep Thu 31-Jan-13 13:25:36

I can understand the reticence the op has about contacting the police. I very much doubt that the police would 'back their own', in fact the complete opposite. I think they will take this very seriously and this a job loser for her H which will have a knock on effect on her and her DC.

There is a wider debate about whether someone with such violent and abusive tendencies should be in the police, and whether their temper and contempt spills over in their dealings with the public, and in particular vulnerable members of society, however I understand the OP's primary concern is her DC.

However SS, the school or the GP can still provide support and safeguarding without the need to go to the police.

Peg, I am so glad you have gone to your parents. I hope your DS has got lots of cuddles from you.

amillionyears Thu 31-Jan-13 14:19:59
cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-13 14:44:33

well done. SS can support and help you. you need to tell someone official.

if you intend to get occupation order for your house and him out etc this needs to be recorded.

his superiors need to know. i doesnt need to be you who tells them though - you can report to SS and GP and get their support
you need protection .

report because oehrwise in few weeks you will be back where you started - or he will be having unsupervised contact and harming the children even more .... he probably wont change a jot, until/unless he has an epiphany - my ex years alter still does not recognize that anything he has done is "wrong" - still makes excuses..

Ruprekt Thu 31-Jan-13 15:21:31

Peg - how are things today?

What is your next move? Are your parents supportive?

Just read this thread, totally shockingsad
Well done Peg for getting out. Please take the advice other posters have given seriously.
I'm sorry not to be of any help personally p, but big hugs to you and your children.
Stay strong xxxxxxxx thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now