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Advice please about contacting an old boyfriend

(102 Posts)
StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 15:12:17

I'm thinking about contacting an old boyfriend I recently found on FB.

According to his page he is in a relationship. I am single.

I have no wish to cause any problems in his relationship, but I would just like to drop him a line to say hello and just find out how he's doing. I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship.

I'm still not certain that I will send him a message, but any tips on what to say if I do? Keeping in mind that he and his DP may both read each other's FB so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

It's been many, many years and I keep thinking he may not even remember me, but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out grin

original thread which has long posts by me is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1667231-Feeling-stuck-and-sad-about-the-past

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 18:43:01

I have to agree that if you didnt have deeper feelings you wouldnt have posted here, as catching up with an old friend is as easy as: "hey, you around here too! how's things?" and no reason to feel like a homewrecker.
I am in contact with twi ex's in Facebook, and one of my exes wife as I met her at my mums funeral. The other one is married too and sometimes chit chat and thats it.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 27-Jan-13 19:00:11

velvet, I'm struck by the fact that in your first thread (started just 3 days ago) your stance was 'I have no intention of contacting him'; and here you are, asking for advice on what to say! He's clearly in your thoughts a lot, and it seems to matter to you a lot that he should 'remember you' like you remember him but it really doesn't matter a bit, you know - he has a GF and you have your life in the here & now. Brooding over the past (which I fear is what you are doing) will not help you. Put him out of your thoughts, let it drop, focus on your future starting now!

OhToBeCleo Sun 27-Jan-13 19:07:26

Well I'm going to play devil's advocate with the masses here....

Sometimes relationships end prematurely for various reasons, and how would you know if it was meant to be if you don't dip your toe in? Maybe they were meant to be together and the timing just wasn't right when things ended.

OP if it was me I would drop him a 'stumbled across your profile when looking at X's photos and just thought I'd say hi and hope all is well in your world'....and then expect to here nothing or 'all is fine thanks'. If all is fine in his world then nothing more should come of it.

Provided you don't enter into any secretive (to his DP) liaisons with him then there's no harm done IMO.

BUT....be prepared for the brush-off....that may be the closure you need to put this to bed (no pun intended).

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 19:23:25

walk On my original thread I said I had no intention of making contact. I said it at least twice, because based on the information that I had, it seemed that he is in a relationship.
Then someone on the thread pointed out that people don't always update their status on FB. His status says 'In A Relationship'. That status was dated 2008. But that doesn't necesssarily mean he's still in one. Maybe he hasn't even been on FB for months.
And that's when I started to think perhaps it would be ok to contact him. If I did and he wrote back and told me to eff off because he's in a relationship, at least I'd know. If he didn't write back and just ignored me, at least I'd know.
And that is the thought process that led me to post this here today. I didn't post asking for opinions about whether I should go ahead and contact him, I asked how I should go about it IF I do.

cleo thanks very much for your post. I like your suggestion of how to word it if I do send him a message.

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 19:40:46

Don't let yourself down StretchVelvet.

If he still has those darned old feelings then let him find you.

You don't want to be a homewrecker do you?

*Your words.

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 19:45:15

You are single,he is not.

Don't go hoping that it's an old profile.

It does make you a little bit sad.

We all have old loves that we think about sometimes and wonder how things would have been......but,we wouldn't have the life we have now which includes our DC if we had taken a different path.

Be glad for what you have and you are young.....you have many,many years ahead of you to find someone.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 27-Jan-13 19:45:49

Hmmm; I have felt like you before op about an ex with a current beau ..and I have have got incontact...and been brushed off . But to be honest I am glad I did it as I now know. I learned my lesson. Of course I had conflicting feelings but I do think if I feel strongly enough for someone I go for it if they are nOT married. If he is married... thenn that is off limits. The best you can do is try to resist and move on. Who knows, one day he may become single again but I do believe in karma and therefore don't try and bust up his relationship. So hard when you really like someone I know . Anyway, if a man is so quick to dump his gf for and ex, he could do teh same to you.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 19:54:38

That's exactly it, superstar, getting the brush off would actually be a good thing in the long run.

Pinkerl Sun 27-Jan-13 20:04:37

I get the impression you're going to contact him anyway. Just say hi, saw your profile and hope all is well, and whatever happens, leave it to see what happens. You know you may well open a can of worms

EchoBitch Sun 27-Jan-13 20:06:20

Stretch,getting the brush off might also mean his DW finds out that you've been stalking him.

Why would you put someone else through that.

Leave him alone.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 20:11:20

Pinkerl I haven't decided one way or the other. If there was a way to find out for sure if he is or isn't in a relationship that would make the decision much easier.
Thanks for the suggestion of what to say -that's what I started the thread for.

Wallison Sun 27-Jan-13 20:30:11

Definitely don't do it. I think, as Imperial and Marylin have said, what you're really hankering after is your own past, rather than his present.

Well, you can't get that. What you can do though is own it, by acknowledging (yourself, without any input from him) what it meant for you and what it has done to make you the person you are now. And then recognising what that person you are now is, and how you want to be.

None of which will in any way at all be helped by contacting him now. I'm sorry, but it just won't.

MyPreciousRing Sun 27-Jan-13 20:39:15

An old flame contacted me to say 'hi'. We had an affair. My marriage ended as a result. I was stupid, flattered and got caught. Don't do it.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 27-Jan-13 21:11:04

My fb profile has said in in a relationship for the last 5 years. I've not updated it as I've not needed to. I'm still in a relationship as I'm guessing so is this guy

As for people suggesting anyone who isn't married is fair game, I'm very hmm at that. I'm assuming you'd be happy with another woman hitting on your DP 'as long as you're not married'?

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Jan-13 21:15:24

Write this : Oh finally I've found you. I can't believe it. I have never stopped thinking about you ever since we were together. You were and are the love of my life etc etc etc. That's what the stupid cow wrote who emailed the father of my children knowing he was in a relationship with kids. How did she know he would be stupid enough to be so easily flattered?

Apart from my shit, please be aware there there is a tremendous amount of fantasy and projection in such situations, and it can generate an emotional tsunami, which might not be well-founded at all.

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:24:05

A lot of people especially men do stay in relationships because they're scared to be single and will jump ship if something better comes along. I don't think that makes him fair game, but if he hasn't married his GF after this amount of time maybe he is just ticking along... I'd never advocate someone flinging themselves at someone in a relationship, but if it's not a seriously committed relationship I think there's something to be said for making sure the other person is in full possession of the facts e.g. that you'd like to shag them. And I was the injured party of a particuarly brutal version of this recently so I don't say it flippantly.

Anyway, I'm a bit hmm at the number of posters who assume contacting an ex is automatically suspect. I got in touch with an ex partner a few months ago and I'd be mortified if he thought I was making a move on him. although I suspect he did as he cancelled our planned meet up.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-13 21:29:56

I don't think contacting an ex is automatically hmm. I have one of my ex boyfs on fb, and I contacted him. We parted on good terms and we're both happily married now. He's a pal.

I think the OP contacting her ex is hmm because her motives are nothing to do with being pals.

TallyGrenshall Sun 27-Jan-13 21:37:29

'if he hasn't married his GF after this amount of time maybe he is just ticking along'

Maybe they don't want to get married. A marriage is not the only way a relationship can be seriously comitted.

Contacting an ex without any ulterior motives is fine, I have a couple of exes on my FB because we still get on and there are zero romantic feelings there. However, in Op's case this is not true so that is why it wouldn't be a good idea imo

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:40:44

TallyGrenshall I'm very aware of that, but equally people can stay in dead end relationships just because. The points is the OP has no idea either way. But I also think she probably doesn't know much about what her ex is like anyway at this point, so why lob a grenade based on what could be a fantasy?

Wallison Sun 27-Jan-13 21:42:21

I'm a bit hmm at the idea that just because someone isn't married it doesn't mean that they're in a committed relationship.

Alittlestranger Sun 27-Jan-13 21:44:13

Why? Lots of people aren't married but still in a very committed relationship. But lots of people have been together a long time, even live together but aren't really committed. Do you have no friends in this situation? Some people are quite happy only living a relationship in the present, and some people are really crap at facing up to a dead relationship.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 27-Jan-13 21:47:32

Lots of people are married and in dead end relationships. You can't say that just because someone isn't married they're fair game.

OhToBeCleo Sun 27-Jan-13 21:54:41

As long as OP behaves appropriately ( ie says hi --puts the ball in his court--) and nothing else, then there's no harm done. All the other comments have some validity if she behaved in a predatory manner. It's not OP's responsibility to be the man's conscience. He must take responsibility for his actions/inactions.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:02:22

Cleo I thank you for being just about the only person on this thread who's even considered that in my advancing years, and with all of my life experience that's gone before, I may just be able to have enough self discipline and integrity to behave myself in this situation.
I've been amazed at all the assumptions that somehow one word from him and I'dbe ripping my knickers off.
Just because I still have feelings doesn't mean that I don't have any self control.

Windsocks Sun 27-Jan-13 22:07:37

If you have real self-control you'll avoid arsing up his life and that of his GF.

I will be hiding this thread now as above all things I hate self-deception and selfishness. You're guilty of at least one of the two OP.

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