Baby - The cycle broke me actually, quite literally.
I posted about it on the last thread I think? About why I stopped drinking the way I was but the cycle of drinking for me was habitual. Nothing more. DCs dealt with and in bed, out came the wine. Then DCs fed and out came the wine, then it's six o'clock, out came the wine. Then it was a shitty day and it was four o'clock so out came the vodka with wine in the fridge for later, poorly DCs, unexpected bill, great day out, lovely night in, pain levels through the roof, unexpected flowers from DH, Birthday, funerals...... you can see where this is going?
At the time I was on ADs too which just made them pointless really. The alcohol was undoing what the ADs were trying to do. I worked very closely with my GP who at the time refused to give me stronger pain meds unless I stopped drinking like I was. He understood because he himself had been in my shoes, drinking because of depression, stress and anxiety, knowing that the booze was only fuelling the flames. It was a habit that I thought worked to cure all of the above and numb the pain too.
Not the case.
My LFT was another clincher really. The doc basically said stop drinking or kiss your liver (at the very least) goodbye.
I don't know, life's just too short Baby. I can't bear the thought of no Nemo, DD or DH. I love breathing in and out. I love the snow we've had, the icicles dripping from the roof in the sunlight today look amazing. I can see them and will remember seeing them because I'm not drinking.
Something just clicks. Something just says 'that's enough now'. It's a really emotional feeling that washed over me. I was the ONLY person who could stop fucking up and I had to stop.
It was after when I started to refuse drinks politely that people would say "WTF's up with you Mousey?" "You ALWAYS drink and get wasted" "Are you ill?" "She's up the spout!" remarks like that.......
I didn't always say why, I didn't need to... some people where just stupid enough to make their own conclusions and I let them.
Comments like that made me look long and hard at why I drank. I felt so ashamed and upset at first. It was very hard to accept that I was that person. I stopped completely for a while and then started again. There was no reason as such.
I just fancied a drink so I had one and I stopped at one.
It's been like that ever since. My nigh time routine has to be a busy one otherwise I know that if I stop, and think about an ice cold drink, I'll want one and then have one but sometimes I know that it will be more than one and I HATE being drunk. It doesn't take much these days, 3/4 glasses of wine (125mls) and I'm gone. I hate it. I hate waking up feeling sickly and grey. The fuggy head, the achy body on top of my other pain is just not worth it.