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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!

(1000 Posts)
Mouseface Tue 08-Jan-13 11:59:43

Hello, tis me, Mouse smile

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, it's a place of solace, support and sanctuary, but also it's also a Bus full of chatterboxes, waffling on about all sorts!

Our aim this year is to kick the WineWitch or WW into touch and get sober!

Some of the Babes on board are doing Dry January, some drink in moderation, some just drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.

Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want.

We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT smile

Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes.

Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.

EVERYONE IS WELCOME HERE so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hello. Post as much or as little as you like! It's all up to you.

For those who want to catch up - here is the PREVIOUS THREAD

And the first ever thread, with links to the others over the last almost 3 years! FIRST THREAD

kotinka Tue 08-Jan-13 12:18:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

<<slides into Driver's seat in case Silver is going to fight me for it. Siiill-veerrr if I click Gerald's back wheels together and make him close his headlights very tight and make a wish would you come back and say hello??? >>

aliasjoey Tue 08-Jan-13 16:06:11

mmm I like that intro mouse

greeneyed Tue 08-Jan-13 16:27:55

Saving seat - Right I'm going to give this bus a bloody good clean before you rabble get on - there's sweet wrappers everywhere!

Mouseface Tue 08-Jan-13 17:03:24

Oi!

Get back over HERE FOR NOW PLEASE you lot, you'll confuse people!

<stern look> wink

Fairenuff Tue 08-Jan-13 17:36:35

< runs in to bagsy back seat and runs out again before Mouse notices > grin

kotinka Tue 08-Jan-13 18:26:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Tue 08-Jan-13 20:50:11

<saving a seat up front near the driver>

jesuswhatnext Tue 08-Jan-13 21:02:42

BOING!!! grin just wanted to be on the first page! (soz mouse!) well, big news, (for me anyway) one of my dsil (i have several, luckily i can call them all friends as well as 'sil') has taken her first steps to being sober, makes us sound like a right family of boozers but no, she is just like us, very stressful responsible job, just 'got in the habit' of opening the bottle every evening - she has had no 'rock bottom' as such, she is just switched on enough to have seen one coming, which is more than i ever did!! have pointed her this way but i think she is just going to read for now rather than post, i have a feeling lots of 'babes' do that!

anyway, love to all - (my new year reso...whatsit, is to spend more time here, i miss you all loads!

L XXXXX

determinedma Tue 08-Jan-13 21:46:06

Strolls smugly onto bus having completed the last thread correctly.
<sees indie in the driving seat and tries to get back off bus>

Please drop in silver - I miss you

Just putting my orange juice down to join new fred!!

HorsesDogsNails Tue 08-Jan-13 21:49:28

makemestronger have you read any Jack Reacher books by Lee Child? I love them - gripping storylines, not too taxing(!), and a rugged hero to boot...... They do follow in an order but they do stand up as individual stories. I have them all so can recommend one if you like!

Tigerinthegrass Tue 08-Jan-13 21:59:46

Oooo shiney new one!

determinedma Tue 08-Jan-13 22:01:47

I just finished reading The Night Circus, which DH got me for Christmas.its really good, hard to explain but about a magical, fantasy circus where a battle between two young magicians is played out in the form of ever more breathtaking performances.

MakeMeStronger Tue 08-Jan-13 22:07:27

ma east horses I definitely need something not too taxing. I''ve enjoyed Cecelia Ahern and Marian Keyes in the past. Absolutely loved One Day by David Nicholls. Also enjoyed Lovely Bones. My sister recommended The Time Travellers Wife but I couldn't get into it. I also liked the Twilight books!!!

Melissa Hill - funny but readable grin We'll get you there!!

MakeMeStronger Tue 08-Jan-13 22:26:10

Thanks east I''ll have a look on Amazon. I've never been a regular reader. Once I get into a book, I can't put it down but can go months without reading. We should start a book club! smile And I can try and keep up!!!

Hi Babes, just off to bed but wanted to check in.
Mouse I so heart you! Thanks for the hug. I went to the meeting (I am a trustee of a charity I think is really important and this was a board meeting so was not going to cry off this one)
HOOEVVA! (however) I did not go for a drink afterwards and came straight home although I did have a major wobble as I got out of the car and Bargain Booze is only 3 minutes walk from my front door. (Classy I know)
I am about to hit the sack after lovely tea of wholemeal burritos with vegan bean filling.
Guess what btw?? I realised this morning that I have lost 5 lbs in weight since stopping drinking...now there is a reason to be cheerful smile
Take care babes
<<sets out comfy safe seats in the sidecar for any babes lurking or otherwise who are drinking tonight. Leaves note telling them to post too>>
xxx

lookingforhope Tue 08-Jan-13 22:48:21

Hi all - just wanted to wish Purple a happy birthday x

babyjane1 Tue 08-Jan-13 23:08:05

Hi guys, wish I could name check but my dd's won't give me peace long enough to read everything back (pesky kids) I've never know us to be such a positive bunch, it's giving me real inspiration and I'm at the end of day 3, not a miracle but a massive step in the right direction!!! Can I just ask anyone ahead of me did you sweat profusely, it's literally dripping off me but my i don't feel anxious or twitchy just mega sweaty, I'm torn between being horrified I'm suffering this level of withdrawal and pleased my body is spitting that horrid wine out of my pores!!! Anyone else the same?? Anyway that poor old wine witch has taken a beating today and let's do the same tomorrow. Good night my friends x x x

Tigerinthegrass Tue 08-Jan-13 23:32:07

Ooo jesus are your ears burning, sure someone was asking where you were today. I hope you are well. Well done baby I'm sure the sweats are totally normal and won't last long. Night all

kotinka Tue 08-Jan-13 23:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Wed 09-Jan-13 00:06:36

I'm a little, happily, overwhelmed by the lovely birthday wishes on here today (yesterday now!). Thank you all, so, so much.

I was facing a day on my own -DC are with ExP on Tuesdays and I tried, really hard, not to say anything to them to make them feel bad about not being here (for me! How old am I ffs!) tonight. Birthdays have always been a bit emotive for me. Can't really ever remember having a good one when I was a child and then seem to have picked the sort of man that doesn't really think treating his 'partner' on her birthday is the done thing. My Father is still alive but he hasn't sent me a card in years. A bit like Koti's Dad, his cards, when he did send them, were signed as just 'from'. Sheesh! Don't friggin' bother! And, of course, my Mother is long gone.

So, birthdays bring out the small child in me and I regress badly. Happily, my gorgeous friend Kate seemed to have a psychic notion yesterday and invited me round to her house for dinner. Bless her heart! She has saved me from sinking into an enormous, self pitying black hole.

Yes, Mouse, my Lovely, I am drinking water as we 'speak'. I am currently in the side car but tomorrow I shall be boarding the bus! I knew this would be a hurdle for me but tomorrow is just another, normal, ordinary day and I will be strong.

Sorry to not name check or read the back posts. I hope everyone is OK and feeling strong. I'm tired and have been fighting the laptop (new iPod Classic installation upset it somewhat!) and sorry that it's been a me, me, me post but I just wanted to tell you all how much your support and kind words have touched, supported and helped me. Goodnight my lovely friends. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Green, Soma, Help, Mouse, Gugg thank you for the words of encouragement this morning. I do feel different this time. Hope it lasts!

Mouse hope it goes well at the hospital.
Soma I'm glad DD is calmer about you and xDH. Any spark there still, do you think?
Help I hope you feel better - it sounds horribly painful. Koti too.
Clutter glad the interview went well, and the radio for Holly

Happy Birthday Purple!

Another good day here. Knackered now so I'll bid you babes goodnight xx

Morning brave babes, just wanting to jump on before bus fills up! May jump between bus & side car but for now and January going to stay in bus & have dry January! No weight loss for me yet but early days & just going to try harder. Glad you had a nice birthday purple & sorry that your Birthdays are difficult for you (( ))

silverangel Wed 09-Jan-13 07:44:55

Morning all,

Marking my place! I'm still reading all the post but back at work and DTs (twins not tremors!) Don't much appreciate me being on the phone when they're about!

You're all inspiring and I wish you luck with your own particular battles.

I'm doing well, two glasses of wine on Sunday and won't drink now until Saturday when I plan on having a couple of glasses with DH. I have a friends 30th coming up, huge night out, have decided not to go as I'm not capable of abstaining at something like that yet and its too dangerous for me to 'have a couple' in that sort of situation, it turns into a couple or more bottles before I realise it. Going to take her out for dinner instead. This is the new 'sensible' me.

Mouse - hope the hospital goes well.

Forgive me I can't remember names but I hope the bugs are sorted for whoever had them!

X

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 08:37:28

<Hauling purple back up on to the bus this morning and supplying with water and paracetomol> We have a celebrity in our midst! Hello JWN look forward to reading more of your posts.

Mouse really hope it goes well for Nemo this morning - thinking of you all.

Ma what day we on now? Can you see boingyland yet?

Well done brave babes for kicking the WW in the backside - have a good day all xxx

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 08:40:54

Angel good plan re your friends party - I have two big nights coming up which I can't get out of - I think my only option is to drive though DH will try to persuade me otherwise. I'm sick of making a tit of myself and losing a whole day to a hangover.

determinedma Wed 09-Jan-13 09:14:49

Day 9 green a fecking unbelievable day 9 here! Can't quite see boingland yet but think I can hear faint voices carrying on the wind so it can't be far away. The mist is certainly clearing and can see the road.

SobaSoma Wed 09-Jan-13 09:22:32

Day 13. Head in a good place and feeling physically in good shape after eating and drinking too much over Christmas. DD is 13 today, already taller than me (I'm not short) and wise beyond her years. Mia I look at exH sometimes and want to give him a big hug because he's going through such a crap time (his relationship is over and they've just bought a house together and all is shite) but I can't in a million years imagine being back with him.

Green I'm sick of losing whole days to hangovers too. That's one of the main things that's keeping me from drinking at the moment. Angel that's a really good plan about the big night out, I'm doing the same at the moment and turned down a party on Saturday because I don't trust myself. And happy birthday for yesterday lovely Purple.

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 09:57:46

Hey purple happy belated birthday, I've kept you a seat!! Well babes another day without wine, I'm feeling so so tired but relieved not to worry about wine morning, noon and night. I still look horrendous but I guess it will take a while to flush a whole load of fermented grapes out of my bloated body. I am taking a vitamin b100 complex, is this the right one? My body feels as though it needs a tonic if you know what I mean, any advice welcome??? Also love love love the book club idea,
I need a new obsession, any other recommendations for a really great book?? I love reading but I'm always to pissed at bedtime so mows my chance... Anyway happy days my lovely babes x x x

kotinka Wed 09-Jan-13 10:01:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Wed 09-Jan-13 10:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrdarceych Wed 09-Jan-13 10:26:32

Good morning! And hi Jesus!! Am reading all the earlier threads and you are AWESOME!!
Kotinka- im fine... Kept the witch away last night... White chocolate Galaxy did the trick! Day 8 of 9 for me... Feeling good about myself, but it aint easy! Am home alone today and very little to do... Would normaly have the mateus going by now... But its feeling great not to! And im definetly losing my booze belly which is incentive in itself... Almost got my waist back... Havnt seen that for a few years thats for sure!! Am doing a bit of low carbing too.. No bread, pasta ect... But although i was not a sweetie person.. I seem to be wanting a bit of it now!! Yes, i hear you... Sugar intake was in the biatch of booze!!
I really am amazed i have got this far... I was a 3bottles a dayer!! So glad i found this thread... Wouldnt of stopped if i hadnt... Thanks all!! ( oh, and the money i was wasting!! Gah)

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 10:38:25

kotinka thanks for that recommendation, I don't really have a type of book, just wanted something all encompassing to fill the hour from hell, you know the one!!! mrd so so pleased your doing so well, you inspire us as much as we inspire you, we're a team and we will get through whatever lies ahead together xxxxx

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 10:39:35

kotinka I would say on this occasion that g&t was purely medicinal and let this one go x x

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 10:44:25

mrd keep the money you have saved in a jar and buy yourself something nice at the weekend, it' gives you a sense of real achievement and pride so spoil yourself, a book. A cd, a massage x x x

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 10:46:49

soba and ma You guys are doing amazing, keep up the good work, you are feeding us all with your success, you guys rock!!' Xxxxx

mrdarceych Wed 09-Jan-13 10:56:21

Baby... Yes, am going to have a posh Wash and Blowdry! My hair is pretty long so that will be a big treat!

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 11:00:36

mrd I like your style, life always looks better with swishy hair x x

Hello there. DAY 9 - blimey!! Woke up feeling really groggy this morning which was annoying - still struggling a bit with the 'normal' sleeping patterns. Also have a large blob at the end of our bed who likes to check we're still there at 4 am by having a sniff and a little 'miaw' grin Having to leave him alone all day for the first time today sad but I'm sure he'll be fine. At work right now, writing up a funding bid - hoping I still have a job after April !! Having those sweetie cravings too..it's the sugar from the alcohol wanting to be replaced isn't it - I had three marathons yesterday (I refuse to call them Snickers - stuff n nonsense) Hope everyone has a good day x

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:12

holly that's amazing, your way ahead of me I'm only on day
4 but you guys help me keep the faith... By the way to all the babes out there, I complemented my 13 yr last night on her good behaviour this week and her helping with her little sis and she said "mum when you are nice to me it makes me want to be nice to you" hardly profound but makes you think eh!!! That comment gave me a nice little buzz without touching a drop x x x x

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 12:55:00

Ma a few hours and you'll be past your personal best - I'm feeling mildly boingy today for the first time - principally because I've been Ill since new year and now getting better so hopefully will start to feel some benefits. No weightloss as I am stuffing my face!

First proper challenge will be Saturday when I have some boozy friends (actually all my friends are boozy) coming to stop over. DH already encouraging me to drink for the evening but I don't plan to. Stay brave babes! xx

Ma !!!! Feck me! 9 Days! Well done US!!! ME TOO!!! WHo woulda believed it eh?
Still not quite hit the full boing yet but I love love love waking up and not have a wave of guilt and self loathing wash over me as I emerge through layers of hangover to wake full of remorse and "not again"s and stinky breath and fuzzy head...
So if the absence of all of that is a boing then I am definately getting there!

Have lovey days all xxx

Just read up the screen! Holly Go Girl! Well done on the 9 days and baby well done on 4. Personally I find getting past day one a mighty achievement and know that has always been a real hurdle for me. So if anyone manages to ignore the WW for even one night then they get a place in my hall of fame. grin

baby I get little comments like that from my 12 year old - he said on sunday i think 'mum have you stopped drinking or something?' I said yes and he replied, 'I thought so, you're so much calmer - you get so moody when you drink and sort of stupid' sad He and my eldest have been through v bad times with me. I must crack this time, i really must.

*crack IT, not crack grin

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 13:42:58

Hi Babes

hope mouse is getting on ok.

I have ds in my lap and am typing one handed so hope this makes sense. I had some work I was counting on cancelled and I'm feeling down about it. I won't be drinking but my normal reaction is to get angry and then get drunk.
so what do sober people do they they feel crap? I'm not angry (for once) which is a direct result of staying sober. Do you have a cry? forget all about it? what?
idiot.

go for a long angry walk ?? Exercise is fab - but I am guilty of procrastinating when I know I should be doing it. If I make myself go out wlaking or go to the gym swimming, I know I'll feel better though! Is that possbible for you with ds?? It's really horrible when things go wrong and drink is so easy to access then sad DON'T DO IT!!! grin

Tigerinthegrass Wed 09-Jan-13 13:55:21

9 days here too! Hope mouse is ok. It's amazing how much free time you have when not drinking. I'm actually getting quite organised! Bit boring though lol, I have to get my head round that one

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 13:58:29

Thank you east I'm trying to use the bus as much as possible at the moment,and just 'talking' about it and being answered has made me feel a little better.

Also I have a warm,cuddly 3 yr old in my lap. Hard to feel too bad especially as I'm bloody lucky to have him at all.smile

Not going to drink today but I am envy of your monstercat. I lost my lovely massive tom cat last year and there is definitely a furry shaped hole in my heart iykwim!

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 13:59:22

babyjane love that comment from your DD!

green why is your DH encouraging you to drink? does he understand how hard it is and how much you want to do it? I think sometimes other drinkers feel guilty if you don't drink, it makes them question their own behaviour.

guggs I think being sober allows you to deal with your emotions properly, instead of just ignoring them. e.g. if you have been let down by someone you could try and think how to avoid the situation in the future. it is hard - it turns out that real life can be sad, difficult, boring! o hope that makes sense...

Monster cat is all alone. I am fretting sad

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 14:15:21

still waiting for the council to phone. have found more dead bugs inside DDs drawers. I don't have any real phobias - not fond of wasps, but I can deal with one without having hysterics. but one thing that does freak me out is swarms. e.g. ants nests. I have a horrified fascination for those birds (swallows?) you see teeming in their thousands. even people on the London underground if it's crowded.

the thought of nests of mites crawling everywhere makes me feel sick. thinking they have been all over my daughter and biting her for 4 MONTHS. I do want to drink and knock myself out, so I can stop dwelling on it - bit am not going to!

deep breaths. day 5

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 14:27:41

Gugg I am self employed I have experience a LOT of disappointments in the last year - bus goers may recall I lost some big pieces of work late last year - I cried a lot - (and didn't sink into the wine) did make me feel better and I definitely felt more able to cope and move on the next day without a hangover.

Joey No he doesn't know how hard it is or that I post on here or consider I have a problem - he has known me since my drinking became more and more moderated - (From 1 to 2 bottles per day to half a bottle) and never really saw the crazy bingeing me. I have always been an everyday drinker last few years 2-3 glasses of wine (well I got pregnant and stopped) then have only managed the odd day off which worries me also have had several crazy binges again last year which gave me frightening glimpses of my old life and ending up back there. - Help described it exactly - Depression, Anxiety, Excitement! So no he doesn't know the extent at all. He also drinks too much as far as units are concerned though he regularly has 3AF days per week which doesn't seem to bother him at all and is not what I'd class as a problem drinker. I think he just thinks I'll be miserable if I don't drink or not as much fun- friends have also been in touch saying I see you are doing dry January - shall we rearrange - funny how it makes people uncomfortable smile

yukky sad My eldest dd was, shall we say, a little 'slapdash' with hygiene when she lived at home, and once, when she was at her dads house, she had, as usual, shut her bedroom door. For some reason, I didn't go in there for a couple of days. I was coming home one day, when i glanced up at her window, and noticed it looked a bit black. I went up there and opened the door to literally a swarm of flies. It was disgusting. She'd left several apple cores in the room and somehow flies had severly multiplied on them. I have never felt so ill.. I had to call DH (who works for the police forensics) to come home with his special 'outfit' on to get rid of them. I know how you feel !!

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 14:34:04

gugg I think that's a new one for all of us, if I've had a good day I deserve wine, if I've had a bad day I deserve wine!! Have a wee walk with ds (if you can) clears your head or put on some music and have a boogie (may feel silly) but your ds will laugh so then will you and if all else fails have a shower and wash your troubles away then eat a crunchie with a coffee, any of the above should help x x x

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 14:46:10

green hmm yes, funny how US not drinking makes other people uncomfortable! actually I used to be the same blush if we had a meal and someone wasn't drinking I used to feel sorry for them/think they were boring etc

Day 6 of not drinking for me as had a couple of ciders on the 3rd. Going out on Saturday night for meal with dh & we've both decided not to drink, think dh had been influenced by the bus. Weighed myself this morning & lost 2 pounds! Took ds down to the beach again today and we built a big hill thing then I helped him do forward rolls. We were getting some funny looks from both dogs and their walkers!! I'm up for book club too. I normally love reading but lately can't seem to get into a book. Dh reads a lot of crime so I normally pinch his but loved A thousand spendid suns, Tully, The time travellers wife, harry potter and loved reading dd the magic far away tree series. smile x

Ps. Mouse, hope your getting on ok with hospital visit (( )) x

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 15:49:31

Thank you joey and green and east and baby

I'm really sad but I'm ok. I don't like dealing with emotions hence being an alcoholic, I suppose. I'm not going to drink tonight, I need some more ingredients for dinner but I know that if I go to the shop I will buy wine. So I'm not going.

east can I mind monstercat in the day please?

joey at least you have got to the heart of the problem and the little sods are dying (like flies). When the room is clear you could give it a new lick of paint,buy new bedcovers etc. A nice fresh start.

green i've had many conversations with dh about my drinking. He really didn't notice how bad it was. He doesn't really drink and it seems to him that everyone drinks a bit too much, so he didn't want to keep tabs on how much I got through. He does get it now and is really supportive but we've been having the same conversation for best part of a year.

Well done clutter on day 6.

I'm going to keep on posting until I feel better, apologies in advance.

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 16:01:43

Gugg No apologies - keep posting smile

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 16:20:31

clutter 10

tazmo Wed 09-Jan-13 16:22:39

Can I join - have been looking at this thread for ages - but waited until after xmas to join (typical). I had DD3 about 5 months ago and was glad to be able to have a few glasses of wine again when I gave birth. But as usual, got out of hand while wanting an evening post children going to bed - and I'm starting to feel unwell, tired all the time and just generally not coping well. Had my first night sober last night and felt dreadful this morning. Must be all the toxins leaving the body and just tired because obviously you don't sleep well post booze. Was due to go to the post natal exercise class - was this close to not going - but did and I'm glad I did. Then I went out with kids to soft play/breastfeeding group - and had a nice afternoon chatting to some new people I've not met before. Bit tired tonight - but starting to think of that glass of wine again... but want to break the cycle. I need to lose weight and stop drinking so I can start being energised for the kids and also for my own health.

Sorry -haven't read everyone's thread - but hoping I can jump on the bus for some encouragement to start being healthy...

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 16:22:54

Sorry clutter 1000 splendid suns the best book I ever read!!! guggen my dh also brushes off my drinking saying everyone these days drinks too much, he is very laid back about everything

babyjane1 Wed 09-Jan-13 16:29:20

taxmo you are telling my story exactly and that of many others here, I'm only on day 4 but the first day especially I felt super shit and exhausted, everyone on here wants to stop/reduce or is trying at this moment or has done it and we all help each other, do you think you can manage another night without wine? You can do lots of things to curb the cravings, your
In the place here babe x x x

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 17:22:31

hi tazmo welcome!

baby to be fair they have a point, loads of people do drink an awful lot. on the other hand they may know when to pack it in,unlike me.

Feeling a little bit better. Just sulking now. The ww has already fucked off and this time last week that would have been impossible. Not going to back down since if I manage tomorrow I will have made DOUBLE numbers!

Will grow up and stop sulking soon. It's my own fault,I need to find a job with a contract attached to it

Hi taxmo i haven't been here long - did hop on fro a bit a while back but lapsed.. sad As baby says - everyone pretty much knows how you're feeling. I'm on day 9 so far, and still feel a bit blerghhh to be honest. It does pass and, once I am up and about it's easier and quicker to get back on tracj with the day so to speak grin Evenings are a bugger though aren;t they? I have started drinking orange juice and suchlike from about 6 as realised I wasn't replacing the alcohol with anything. Important to do that I think.

OT - monstercat is fine.

determinedma Wed 09-Jan-13 18:09:03

welcome to "taxmo"
too many to name check but well done all those giving the ww a damn good kicking. indie you are rocking, babe.
Day 9 and working late tonight so wont be home until 10 then straight to bed, so tomorrow will be day 10!! double bloody figures - me!
I second the idea of a book club - I used to be very active on a website called bookcrossing (probably completely outed myself) where people would release books into the wild for others to find, or would just mail books to people who wanted them as a RABCK - Random Act of Book Crossing Kindness. We could combine the BattleBus with Bookcrossing - a sort of BabeCrossing grin
I'll have a rummage tomorrow and see what books I've got up for grabs and can mail to anyone who wants it on the condition you send it on to someone else once you are done. A book a day keeps the wine witch away.....

ooh, I'm in with the book club - i have hundreds I'm desperate to get other peope to read so i can talk to someone other then myself about them!!

tazmo Wed 09-Jan-13 18:33:55

Hi
Hopefully not have any vino tonight. Shamedly have asked DH to get some - though have a headache which is not going away with paracetamol!

Hope everyone doing ok. Will write more eventually but baby on knee and keeps pressing all the buttons.....my dam ipad got broke too so having to use laptop.

T

mrdarceych Wed 09-Jan-13 19:06:35

Welcome Taz... Im pretty new too... Its very friendly here!!
The witch is bugging me at moment... I have even brought a bottle in from outside and it is gently warming to room temp at mo... But i am determind to resist... Stupid thing to do I know... But!! I keep looking at the piece of paper in front of me saying " I WILL NOT DRINK WINE TONIGHT" ... So far its working... Think i will take the bottle back outside again... I already feel stronger just writing it down! Wierd!!

I am up for some babe crossing!
I still havent finished WolfHall and am now unlikelyto I confess. I just finished "When God was a Rabbit" and really liked that. Don't get much time toread for pleasure so any encouragement is good! I have loads of books I would be very happy to pass on.
Well really struggling again tonight for somereason. Maybe its the looming double figures or I am far enough away from feeling like shite to have that memory fade...but am going to remind myself of just how monumentally fucked up I feel when I have been drinking. OHAAT tonight Babes. Xx

MrD take the bottle outside or tip it away or run out into the street in your curlers and press itupon some random stranger! If you keep it there getting warm that would be waaay totempting for me. Sheer projection here of coirse but I would be getting it out ofsight and house.

Xx

Sorry for ipad typo-itus

KoalaKube Wed 09-Jan-13 19:15:51

Evening Babes - wow everyone is so.....sober!! Loving the book swap idea I have loads and promise will only send the good ones - if anyones interested (all the rubbish ones go to the charity shop!). But they must be used to keep the wine witch away. Ok today after possibly 6 months procrastinating I finally got the paint and rollers out today and started painting the Hallway up the stairs - its 3 floors so I may be gone some time, but I have started. I was wondering recently how 'living sober' was going to be and it worried me - what would fill my time now that wine has gone?
Well I'm back to work, involved with the community, AA meetings, cleaner house and Presentable Me and now decorating. I have been afraid of the future and now I feel like 'bring it on'. No longer counting the days sober but It'll be 4 weeks friday.

Hello to Tazmo the first few days are the worst - just say no play the video all the way to the end - drink wine, headache worse, fall into bed, wake after just a few hours, now headache and hangover, feel angry and disappointed with self, tired tomorrow, feeling crabby - drink wine, rinse and repeat.

I have announced to my family that I will be getting up at 6.30 am to go swimming before work tomorrow. Then i saw the weather forecast. Bugger.

greeneyed Wed 09-Jan-13 19:23:50

Isinde this is where it gets hard for me two isuallt can't get past 10 or 11 days - yes memory fade - a survival instict I'm sure to protect us from bad memories but I soon forget how bad I felt then the wine witch starts lying to me about how it will all be okay to have a drink, I deserve one etc etc

Fairenuff Wed 09-Jan-13 19:40:54

Stick with it babes it will pass. Don't think about what day you're on, or how many are ahead, just concentrate on the here and now. Just get through the next 20 minutes, then see how you feel. Repeat as necessary.

I guarantee that you will not regret not drinking when you wake up tomorrow morning.

For every bottle left undrunk you can buy another book!

C'mon, there is so much more we all want out of life than just being a slave to a bottle of wine.

This is 'We Can Do It' Wednesday x

Btw has anyone else noticed how much Easter stuff is in the shops already!

I will not regret not drinking when Iwake up tomorrow.
Faire Jeff bless you! I think that just about did it! X x x

Fairenuff Wed 09-Jan-13 19:54:21

smile

It's so good to have you back with us Isinde, you are doing great. We are all pretty bloody amazing at the moment. Long may it continue.

< salutes ma > grin

yes and all think of me in the cold driving off to the swimming pool whilst you're waking up feeling great grin <determined to do it, bag sorted, casual outfit at the ready>

MakeMeStronger Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:56

Hi everyone- seems like there's quite a few of us up for a book club. My problem is I hardhardly read so havent really got anything to pass on!!! Reading using the kindle app nowadays too. I tried again with Thursdays in the Park last night and beginning to get into it. koala wow 4 weeks- well done! I know what you mean about cleaner house, and I'm having a pamper night tonight- nails and facemask so I'll be more presentable tomorrow too!
I'm on day 5- hip hip hooray smile

MakeMeStronger Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:30

I meant smile Newbie failure blush

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 20:16:01

ma you are doing brilliantly! it's so inspiring grin

still waiting for the council to phone. still fretting about bugs.

as if that and the drama over the yellow opal fruits wasn't enough, today I got cornered by the mother of one of DDs friends. apparently the girls have fallen out, and now the other girl has said my daughter is bullying her... she even told the headteacher! DD just got hysterical when questioned and claimed everyone else was lying, and she has no friends anyway sad

it took a lot of effort to avoid temptation tonight. I keep telling myself that even if I can't manage dry January, I MUST stick to maximum of once a week, Saturday. thank God for the Bus.

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 20:18:03

welcome tazmo and well done for posting!

You lot are simply not paying me enough attention I'm going to get up and go swimming at 6.30 am grin Praise me you buggers!!!!

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 20:38:18

Hi joey

Did she say what she thinks your daughter may (may not) have done? People can get very het up over falls outs between friends. Poor you that's stressful.

I'm sitting and eating my own bodyweight in chocolate, but I feel better. If I wasn't sulking like a 3yr old then I might mention that I cooked a very nice meal this evening. My usual efforts involve: ponce about with a cook book. Walk to shops (healthy exercise,see?) buy wine. Open and drink wine. Shove a potato in the oven and open bag of salad. Drink more. Don't think Nigella would be too impressed!

OOH books! ummm... I shouldn't because I have massive amounts of reading to do, and I'm part of a rl bookclub but I am a bookslut. Right, I'm in ma

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 20:39:47

You are a very good girl east, well done smile

But seriously, can I have monstercat in the day?

mrdarceych Wed 09-Jan-13 20:41:10

The bottles back outside... I will not be drinking wine tonight! smile

helpyourself Wed 09-Jan-13 20:42:20

Eastgrin
Didn't you know we're all up per dawn exercising?
Hahaha. Sorry. The very thought. But kudos, it's a brilliant idea.

guggenheim if you live near me you are welcome to come and snuggle him all day!!

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 21:16:29

east sorry, my brain could not understand what you said, I have no concept of '6.30am', but whatever it is, Well Done smile

guggs it's all she pushed me in the dinner queue/she told the teacher I was being mean/she made a face at me. DD is a drama queen and sometimes I think she enjoys it, but then she says she has no friends...

MrD you took the bottles back outside, that's fantastic, good on yer!

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 21:17:33

Ta love. You can have an opal fruit of your choice.

That's east and joey obviously, since east deserves one and joey knows where the packets are hidden.

guggenheim Wed 09-Jan-13 21:22:34

Cross post.

joey fwiw that sounds like friendship difficulties rather than bullying to me. Hope you can sort it out or the school can.

Night babes hope you all have a sober/safe/sexy night. Delete as applicable.smile

Night babes. Very impressed with you going for a swim at 6:30am east I always have these ideas then hit snooze!! Me & dh been getting into programme called "person of interest" very addictive & helping me not to pick up a glass of wine. Book clubs sounding like a good idea. Sleep well everyone smile x

Mouseface Wed 09-Jan-13 21:46:03

Evening, tis me, Mouse

What. A. Day.

All in all, the hospital went well, albeit that everything started an hour late, which is not great when you've travelled for 1.2 hours and with a grumpy toddler. Then had to wait...... then only been moments in with each person.

<sigh>

I am beyond tired so haven't read back, I'm sorry but to those who have beaten the WW well bloody done. smile xx

Nemo still has fluid behind his eardrums which they are going to monitor closely..... every three months he'll require in depth hearing tests.

The surgeon was happy with his cleft repair and said that yes, I had seen a hole and that it will have healed as I thought so I'm not going mad as predicted. He has to go back in a couple of weeks for an in depth speech and language assessment.

Other than that, all is well. Ish. I'm feeling run down so am off to bed soon.

Thank you all for asking after us. Sleep well,

Mouse xxxx

helpyourself Wed 09-Jan-13 22:02:44

Phew! sounds good but tiring Mouse
Sleep well BBs.

aliasjoey Wed 09-Jan-13 22:05:33

sleep well mouse family

<<blows gentle healing winds over the Mouse-house to lull everyone to soothing sleep with clear tubes and easy breath for our wee man>>

Xxx
Made it to double figures Ma but only bloody just. Faire you really were the cavalry tonight my friend, thank you so much.

Night night lovely Babes xx

determinedma Wed 09-Jan-13 22:34:01

Just in from work so quick check in.
east well done on the early morning swim. Did you know Gerald is an amphibious bus so we will float along behind you laughingatyoucheering you on.
mrd that was truly impressive, putting the wine outside. Well done you.
indie well done for hanging on.
guggs green purple and all the babes. U r doing so well

kotinka Wed 09-Jan-13 23:34:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hello, it's me again.

I am just so scared at the moment. I hope you don't mind me writing it down - I just don't know where else to talk about this.

So, I managed nearly a year sober, then I fell back again (just being stupid, thinking I could cope). And I've been limping along all through last year, managing a few days then drinking.

I have got to the point where I will drink during the day, and I will buy a bottle of wine, drink it, and go and buy another one. And I can't cope with it any more.

I've just found out I did something stupid (or rather, failed to confirm something I should have done) for something I'm organizing. I'm trying to get a job and the job market is horrible (they told me it's something over 100 applicants for the last one I applied for), so I can't affort to make stupid mistakes, but I am making them.

I am really worried about what's going on. Basically, I've been studying most of my adult life. It's paid, and I teach, so in that sense I know how to work and I get good evaluations for the teaching and good feedback on my studies. But I've never worked 9-5 for any length of time (I did for a few months and it was part time even then). I don't know if this makes sense, but I am terrified I am too lazy and useless at motivating myself to be employable, and I feel that it's related to the drinking. I am really scared that I'm sabotaging my chances of getting anywhere.

I know I need to stop. I just don't know how to get away from feeling so scared all the time. I've ended up making so many excuses, both for why I wasn't drinking (the year when I was sober) and for everything else, I don't know how to tell people what's going on, or even if I should. DH knows, obviously. Do you think it's possible to quit without telling people? I'm not in denial that I am an alcoholic (though it's still not very easy writing that), but I constantly feel as if I'm failing and I really don't want to let my family know this bit - I just want to stay away from them (they're the 'have another glass' type).

Sorry, I'm rambling so I will stop. I just feel so utterly shit.

Checking in too. Today was a bit of a flat day. I did get a fair bit done but felt a bit harried and lacking in boing. I hadn't planned a tempting meal so when the mid afternoon blues hit I was at a bit of a loss.

BUT... I gave myself a mental shake and had a snack of olives, which I don't usually eat but have been insatiably craving since I stopped drinking. I also made myself a pot of herbal tea, which I've been doing every afternoon when I hit the low point (it's by far my worst time of day, between 5 and 7pm). I've found that the tea (a herb called Damiana) stops my nagging headachey feeling and keeps the WW at bay. I felt better then and cooked a nice healthy pasta dish for dinner. DP came home and said he wanted wine - usually the signal for all my good intentions to swirl straight down the plug hole - but I said a flat no to having any so he didn't either. smile Later he said he fancied a glass of port and I found myself saying "well maybe I could have a glass - it isn't wine, after all..." hmm I caught myself and said firmly "no, I'm not drinking during the week". I'm proud of myself for that.

I'd love to join the BB book club but I don't let myself read fiction very often because it completely consumes me - once I'm into the story I just can't leave it alone and can't stop reading it until it's finished, to the detriment of everything else. I also get really grumpy if I can't read it and have to stop to let real life, sleeping etc interfere. hmm I've been like it since I was a child.

Isinde I loved 'When God was a rabbit'! I thought it was really beautiful, sad and funny and it made me cry a lot!

Well that's all from me, I'm tired tonight. Onwards and upwards babes. X

((((LRD)))) cross posted with you. Sorry you're feeling so wretched. There'll be babes who can give you much better advice than me, but I can tell that I have felt infinitely better since I cut my drinking right back a week or so ago. I usually have 2 AFDs a week but I was never really emerging from the fog of drinking, I don't think. I feel so much calmer and clear headed at the moment. You must have felt those benefits during your year of abstinence? It sounds like you've hit a bottom and need that impetus to stop and stay stopped again. You've got lots of reasons to stop, what reasons have you got to carry on?

Thanks mia. smile

It was a right miseryplop of a post but I am really grateful to you for replying (and the hugs). I do know what you mean about the fog (that's exactly what it is).

I don't have reasons to carry on, I'm just feeling scared and worried I've fucked everything up.

I think I need to sit on the bus and make sure I keep posting over the next few days instead of drifting away.

mrdarceych Thu 10-Jan-13 00:48:52

Mia... Am with you with the olives!! Tonight i brought the wine(witch) in... Warmed her up... Even got as far as the opener... Then i kicked arse... Put her back outside... And opened the olives!!! Yum yum ( oh and i googled that they are low carb too!!)
Port!... God she is the biggest bitch ever!! Keep away!!
I did not drink tonight... Bring it on tomorrow...i am nearly at double figures!! WOW!
Goodnight all x

kotinka Thu 10-Jan-13 01:22:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thanks kot, what a lovely post.

I am going for a booze free day tomorrow (and hopefully properly giving up).

I've not had anything to drink since about 5 today, so I'm not posting drunk and being down because of that, but I think you're right that in general it makes me more scared/nervy. I am probably a bit depressed - I get it on and off but it's not easy to separate from the booze.

Thanks so much for the kind comments. I do get that the job situation is horrible for everyone (I realized it sounds a bit self indulgent whining about it when we're all in the same boat). I need to look at it square-on and work out what to do.

I hope you're doing ok - and the 'black patches' aren't getting to you right now.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 08:26:00

Morning all smile

LRD come and chat with us a bit later, we'll cheer you up. No wonder you're feeling down if you're in that cycle at the moment. How did you feel during your year off?

It is difficult to know what to tell people but really you don't have to explain yourself. Just say I don't feel like drinking today. I'm doing dry January. I like it so much I'm going to carry on. Anything like that will be enough. You may be surprised to find some of your friends joining you.

Most importantly, try not to think about it at all. It's just one day. Anyone can do one day can't they?

x

blush. Didn't get up in time to go swimming - I hav a defence - MonsterCat was restless and I'm still not quite sleeping properly. Cross with myself though!

tazmo Thu 10-Jan-13 09:11:37

Hi well fraid I didn't have another AFD. Tonight though.... had half bottle of wine/small bottle of fizz and a G & T. Not good! Great that the majority of others are doing well... you are our role models! I think I need to stop completely. I'm ok once I break the cycle (have managed 3 pregnancies and breastfeeding for goodness sake).

LRD - sorry to hear you can't find a job. It is hard right now for those looking.

Agh - baby waking up. Can't wait to get my ipad back so I can post a bit more...

helpyourself Thu 10-Jan-13 09:14:00

grin east! Can you fit some other exercise into your day?
LRD don't give headspace to what others think about you not drinking. Just concentrate on not drinking today.
Resolve and love to all the BBs- kotinka how are you? Not in a head tilty prying way, I just noticed your last post was vvv supportive and hope you're feeling supported too.

Morning Babes. Was woken up by DT1 at 06.30 and went and had a lovely half hour with my two beautiful girls before DP woke and we all got up. They are in such a great stage at the moment and very funny and cute (although they can both throw a doozy of a tantrum when they choose to smile ) We discussed Teddies and Monkeys and Abney and Teale (current passion of DT2) and DT1 used the word "actually" in correct context! (DT2 picked up Monkey and DT1 yelled "that's DT1's Monkey ACTUALLY!" [proud mum icon]

I guess the point is that, if I had drunk last night I would probably sat there slumped in a wine-stinky-breath fog and not been properly engaged or able to enjoy it.

I am so grateful for all the Babes and this wonderful Bus.

LRD hey lovely. So sorry to hear about the job front. I can only speak for myself but I know that the accumulative effect of too much drinking leaves me feeling down, anxious, under-confident and hugely hugely self-critical and self-undermining...all of which are massively unhelpful in dealing with anything in life much less getting a job in a challenging labour market.

You are an intelligent, caring, compassionate woman with a keen mind and a sharp wit. You have achieved a great deal in your life and you have a long list of strengths that you can deploy in a wide variety of situations. You have MUCH to offer any prospective employer.

If you can clear the alco-fog just for a few days I will lay bets you will start to re-connect with your fabulousness much much more easily.

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 09:21:10

red good to have you back! I am now on Day 10 and am in awe of you doing a whole year. That alone shows you are a strong, powerful person. Sounds like you just can't see the road for the fog right now, but you will. You can and you will. There are some great new Babes on here as well as us old lags, so there is plenty of help. Stick with us, but suggest you strap yourself in as we are fairly hurtling along at the moment. Think Indie is driving shock
east that is the most pathetic excuse for not exercising that I have ever heard! You are hereby demtoed to bottom of the Boot Camp class!
kot how are you feeling today?

I do cycle 4 miles to workand back each day, so don't feel completely guilty grin Will go to the gym tomorrow (day off) and spend some time doing 'stuff'.

To everyone that is struggling - it is really difficult. I totally understand - so so eay to just say 'sod it' or use an excuse, or just think I'll have 'one'. God, I've done it hundreds of times. Who's to say it won't happen to me tonight..tomorrow night..

It's even harder when things are rubbish or seem to be hopeless in life. Just keep on keeping on.

Rambling a bit now - I just want to say - you can all do it. I used to start drinking at 9.30am, and not stop until, well , not stop!! It was normal! Got over that but then binged for years. I've had periods of sobriety but just can't do the 'normal' drinking so have to do this.
I'm probably being very dull posting about MonsterCat and swimming and Molly's ear and suchlike but it's keeping me focussed. Anyway, please all have a good day. x Ramble over..

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 10:32:32

WARNING - LONG POST (Sorry)

Morning all. Hope everyone if feeling OK today. Sorry to not read back - this thread has gone really fast. But......
Isinde Well done on the 5lb loss! Fab!
Koti, how is your arthritis and earache this morning? LRD and Guggs I really hope you are both feeling a bit better today. Sending you both a hug (())
Clutter Thanks for the lovely hug you sent me - it helped. smile
Mouse I hope you and Nemo have recovered from your hospital visit today. It sounds like positive news on the whole.
Soma I often give my ExP a hug when he's struggling (and him me) but, like you, I can never go back to the chaos he caused in our lives - doesn't mean I don't care about him though.
Joey Girls! What can you do with them! My DD and my friend's DD grew up together and were always close - 'til they got to middle school. Now they seem like sworn enemies. My friend and I had a chat and decided to not get involved. It's so hard to get to the bottom of these things. Sending you some super dooper bug killing spray. I really hope a solution appears soon.
Green Thanks, Lovely, for the paracetamol and water and to Baby for saving me a seat....Unfortunately, that was just a cardboard cut out of me. sad After my birthday (thanks to all for the added birthday wishes) dinner my friend gave me, amongst other things, a bottle of Champagne. I just couldn't throw it, or give, it away. So, I did the sensible thing and drank it as Bucks Fizz - for breakfast. blush WW was whispering "Well, it IS your birthday present" "It IS proper Champagne" and other such shit. So, yesterday I over did things again. angry sad blush Worse still, 10 minutes before the corner shop was due to shut, I decided that the half bottle I had left wasn't going to be enough so, donned my coat and Uggs and set off on the 90 second trip to the the shop. It's pitch black round here, there are no street lights at all. On the way, I accidentally walked, sort of side on, into a picket fence (about 2 foot high) and fell, really badly, half on the fence and half on the path. It took me a few seconds to realised what had happened then a couple more to feel around to locate my purse in the dark. I got myself up and STILL went to the shop! Ffs! God only knows what I looked like. blush Got my wine and came home. When I looked, I had lots of cuts and bruises on the top part of my legs and knees and still had some rose thorns embedded in my skin. This morning my knee is really painful and I have marks all over my thighs and a bruise on my chest. I wasn't 'falling down' drunk <wry, empty laugh> but, if I hadn't had a drink I would have been more sensible and maybe taken the time to find a torch - and not needed to go to the shop in the first place. I dread to think what would have happened if I had hit my head instead of my knee. Nobody would have found me, probably, until this morning as it really is impossible to see anything at night and with the sharp frost we had.......? So, my children would have been left in the house by themselves and my DD, who was in bed but not asleep, would have been worried/scared to bits and would have had to make decisions that an 11 year old shouldn't have to - should she call her DF or the police or come out and look for me? Or maybe, she would have just gone to sleep and not realised I wasn't home. And do you know another really stupid thing? I didn't even drink the wine - I didn't even finish the bottle I had already got in the fridge - so, it was all for nothing.

This morning, my knee is really painful and I will have to try and hide the cuts and bruises from DC to avoid difficult questions. Each time I use the stairs or change gear the knee is giving me a lot of pain and I am thinking "Good! It serves you fucking right!!" I'm sure nothing is broken, just badly bruised. Yet another narrow escape. I can't afford this any more, my luck will run out and something awful and irreversible will happen. I can't quite believe it was me that got to 7 weeks sober. sad

I have thrown the wine down the sink this morning - even the full, unopened bottle - which is something I have never been able to do before. Christmas is over, my birthday is over. No more excuses. I've let my children down and myself and maybe even you Babes and I'm sorry. sad

Day 1

I will not drink today.

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:44:46

So many pages to catch up on! So that's another hour of work I haven't done [eek!]

I'm sort of laughing at the wine-witch - she who pretends to be so huge and scary and insurmountable, but in actually fact, with the right approach, she can be obliterated with a handful of olives. Not so scary now, huh?

isindie lovely to see you around. Doesn't matter whether you screeched in by the skin of your teeth yesterday - there are no degrees of soberness - yesterday you WERE sober. End of smile

east I think that one important thing is to remember that not going swimming is just an isolated event, and not to let it affect your view of the day, or your motivation. I find that it is very easy to have great intentions, and then because the first one doesn't go right, to give up on all the rest. So just because I haven't got started on a tough report by 10am this morning (and yes I do blame this bus for that wink), doesn't mean I can't start on it later... [pep talk to self].

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:45:56

blush isindie your dt clearly know more about the correct use of "actually" than I do blush

purple What a nightmare sad Don't beat yourself up too much - easy to say I know. Bloody ww. It really does get under the skin. That awful feeling of 'oh god,I can't run out...must get more...' Awful feeling. I don't really know what to say, just that I've done that before - left them alone to get 'more' - like it's the most important thing in the world. Do you need to see a doctor about your knee? Bloody well done for chucking it all away though smile
Thinking of you.

venusandmars I know - just cross with myself - I was so organised for it grin. Never mind. Onwards and upwards !

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 10:51:52

purple you haven't let us down - we're here to listen, and most of us have been exactly where you were last night (well not in your street, but you know what I mean). And you have done the most wonderful and empowering two things this morning:
1 - throw the booze away. Well done xx
2 - come on here, and be honest about what happened. Well done xx

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 10:54:32

Day 6, a small Boing (more of a hop really)

east you know ma can't demote you to the botom of Boot Camp because I am always at the bottom smile

LRD oh hen >> I don't know if this makes sense, but I am terrified I am too lazy and useless at motivating myself to be employable, and I feel that it's related to the drinking. I am really scared that I'm sabotaging my chances of getting anywhere. >>

this sounds horribly familiar to me. I keep feeling panicked at work and scared of trying new things. as a result my boss gives me warnings that my work isn't up to scratch. and then I go home and drink to blot out the awful scarey feelings. I have no motivation/energy/enthusiasm (its not the job, its actually a great job) but I feel panicked at the thought of being asked to do something and thinking I can't do it.

Hmmm thats no help to you is it. My advice would just be to focus on yourself and your sobriety, don't worry about what other people think - most of the time people are so wrapped up in themselves they barely notice if someone isn't drinking.

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 11:18:50

LRD your post last night really struck a chord with me - so many echoes of myself: drinking during the day, missing deadlines, sabotaging myself, feeling negative and scared, and deep down thinking that I just wasn't good enough. That thinking pervaded everything I did and became such an awful cycle. A belief that I was lazy, and untalented, and that I didn't deserve any of the good things that did happen; a belief that if things were going OK it was only some lucky freak, and that one day, sooner or later, I'd be found out... (for what, I don't know); a belief that rather than the fear and shame of being found out, it would be better to sabotage myself - by drinking, by procrastinating, by refusing opportunities that might have been good - this was usually followed by a panicked scrabble to save the day, and cover my ineptitude (including lying about the truth and making up excuses for my lateness blush sad); a belief that if I did appear to be doing a good job it was only because I knew how the system worked, and not because I had any real talent or ability; a belief that if the people I worked for couldn't see how lazy and useless I really was, then they too were somehow failed and useless; a cyclical belief that since I was useless and a failure then I might as well get drunk / that since I was a drunken alcoholic that proved I was useless and a failure; and a belief that somehow, despite the ridiculous amounts that I was drinking, I was still a high functioning alcoholic. What a farce.

The truth was that I had an alcoholic habit and I was barely functioning. I set standards for myself (and others) that weren't possible to sustain, and which therefore made me feel worthless. I was so scared of other people's negative opinions, or of 'failing' that I deliberately opted out or tripped myself up.

Of course the whole negative thinking, not feeling good enough, stuff is a big, big can of worms. But the single best thing that I did to help was to see the truly awful part that my drinking was having in that downward cycle, and also seeing how the false thinking and self-sabotage encouraged my drinking. And learning to be much gentler with myself, and liking myself.

Apologies for long introspective.

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 11:27:12

purple bloody well done on the bottle of wine down the sink. If it takes an arguement with a fence to be your turning point then so what? You did it!
I am seriously tired today and dont really know why..yawn I could just curl up and go to sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Are you me??? sad I could have written that. I still think I'm going to get 'found out' by my employers, even though I've worked my way up through jobs and am now a CEO ( not on a CEO slaray though grin ) I'm convinced they will realise I'm a drunk..My children know, so why shouldn't me employers. God, it's horrible isn't it??

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 11:35:04

venus

another one here cringing at every word you write... except I know I AM useless and lazy, I don't reach my targets, I'm on mumsnet chatting instead of working... I feel paralysed when I think of the jobs I have to do

purple one birthday blip in 7 weeks is just a little setback, all its done is confirm you really can't stop once you've started; but no harm done (except to your knee) luckily birthdays are only once a year smile

babyjane1 Thu 10-Jan-13 11:37:09

purple please don't stress Yourself, you've had a wake up call, maybe that's a good thing, no harm was done (except your poor wee legs, bless) your kids are fine and your wee trial lets get back together with wine didn't work out!!! We love you, you have helped me sooooo much, today is a new day, new chance, drink water, eat well, bath and bed tonight and tomorrow I will hold your hand on the bus and share my berocca with you, you have done it before and the ww needs a fresh punch in the face anyway... I can't stress enough we can fix this, I'm shouting this at my phone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 11:38:59

Thank you East, Ma and Venus I don't think I need the Dr's for my knee, and anyway, the pain might just keep me mindful of my mistake for a few days. [hmm

Venus, that could have been written about me, too. Spent 4 years as an executive PA waiting to be 'found out' every day. I felt a fraud and that I'd got the job by luck and a little stretching of the truth. I was (am sad) a fully functioning drunk. I have no idea how I managed to keep the job. I, too, was always scared and nervous of being asked to do something new. If I was asked to do something out of my comfort zone I would say I didn't think I could do it. When I tried, 9 times out of 10 - it was easy. I had to learn not to keeps saying negative things but never stopped thinking those thoughts.

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 11:44:00

Thank you so much Joey and Baby Hand holding sounds good to me. smile especially when I'm hobbling so much sad Writing my 'confessions' on here really does help. Before, the thought would just go round and round in my head, bottled up, making me feel helpless and hopelessly guilty and all the more likely to buy more Misery Juice. xxxxxx

KoalaKube Thu 10-Jan-13 12:20:47

Morning Babes - I've got two books to start the library on the Bus
Before I go to Sleep - S J Watson blurb : Memories define us. So what if you lost yours every time you went to sleep ? Your name, your identity your past, even the people you love - all forgotten overnight. And the one person you trust may only be telling you half the story.

The Help - Kathhryn Stockett blurb : Enter a vanished world; Jackson Mississippi 1962 where black maids raise white children, but aren't trusted not to steal the silver. 3 women 1 white 2 black. each is in search of a truth. And together they have an extraordinary story to tell.

Happy to send (how do we do this ??)

Off to work and I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY.

Ooh I've read Before I go to Sleep - it's really good. I have a few of these 'amnesia'/who are we really type books. They're great for reflection (or escapism! grin

greeneyed Thu 10-Jan-13 14:25:38

Hello babes - bus moving too fast for me to properly keep up and name check - just a couple of mentions on recent posts. Hello LRD I'm sorry things feel so hopeless at the moment, please stick around and post some more.

Purple okay it happened - don't over think what might have happened - it didn't! See it as a bottom hitting moment from which you'll gain the bounce to come back up. Can you write all your feelings today in a diary to help with memory fade in a few days time, when drinking does not seem so bad again and the WW if trying to persuade you it is a good idea after all. I did this after New Year, haven't felt the need to refer to it yet but I will on 2nd Feb when I go out with friends, just to remind myself why I NEED to drive!

Mouse Glad consultation went well and hope you all get a little respite now from more illness! x

Ma did this bus just go sailing past your personal best? smile Keep on keeping on everyone x

guggenheim Thu 10-Jan-13 15:11:21

Hi lovely babes,

Hi LRD welcome back, even if you feel a little sad at being here. Job hunting sucks you have my sympathy. It doesn't really help you to know how many others went for the job either so don't dwell on it. How are you doing today? Any plans in place to kick the ww?

purple good to hear the bus is helping. Champagne- yes I would have had a look at the bottle and thought 'oh real champagne, can't say no'. Then I would have got blasted and I probably still would. One to be wary of. Hope that you feel better and that your knee is on the mend. You're doing the right thing in talking it all through and realising the implications it things had been worse. Champagne is just the ww in a posh frock!

Made it to 10 days and 2 more meetings. I feel a little sad and emotional but very calm. Have been reflecting a lot on my drinking and how selfish I've been over the years. Think that the tiny experience of sobriety has left me feeling very vulnerable emotionally.Last time I felt this soft I'd just had a baby and had begun breastfeeding.

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 15:14:19

Got a smart phone? Feeling brave?

You can go to THIS LINK and download the drinking mirror app. You take a photo of your face and then see what it would look like if you carry on drinking shock shock

The good thing is you shake your phone and instantly go back to how you look now - ah, that's better smile

There's something similar on the dry january website for people like me who don;t have fancy phones sad it scared me

babyjane1 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:41:09

guggen you are doing brilliantly, I'm 5 days behind you and need you to stay ahead so I can follow your trail!! My daughter has promised me the use of her kindle (ironically she is kinda proud of me) but since I've lost touch with my reading (too pissed to see) I would love it if those who are following could each recommend their favourite book and I will get started. I reckon we all have so much in common and have shared so much I would like to read books that have stated with you all. By the way I still look shit but feel a teeny weeny bit boingy xxxxxx

babyjane1 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:41:53

meant stayed not stated xxxx

Just realised I'm on day 10 - danger day again - Thursday, night before day off sad need to be aware..

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 16:50:21

Plan your evening East, don't leave it to chance. Plan activities to fill the half hour slots when you might be tempted. Remember, it's just one day. Don't think about tomorrow.

Plan some special food, some sweet treats, fancy drinks and make Thursdays your new 'be good to myself' day. Maybe a bit of pampering, bath, face mask, foot scrub, body lotion, deep condition hair, paint fingernails, etc. Then you will not only feel great on your day off but will look it too!

Purple sometimes we need these little 'wake up' calls. It reminds us what we are doing here on the bus and why x

Ma are you low on sugar? DS made choc chip cookies at school today so I allowed myself to have just one. They were still warm from the oven when I picked him up, I would have had to be a saint to resist. BUT, importantly for me, it's not going to throw my diet, I'm sticking to low cal the rest of the day. Think I'm getting the hang of this moderation lark grin

Massive wave to everyone, will try and get back for a chat later.

Tigerinthegrass Thu 10-Jan-13 16:50:45

Day 10 here too. Need to find something to replace the sugar craving with other than chocolate and sweets. Other than that doing ok. Purple dont beat yourself up, what's done is done. Move forward. I've been embarrassed to leave the house after some things I've done x

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 16:54:29

Thank you Green, I'm trying not to sink into 'poor me' mode - because that really is a trigger for me - but the incident really was a 'sobering' one! I do tend to over think things sometimes - I could even see myself on the front of the local paper "Local Mum of 3 found drunk and unconscious"!

And thanks, too Guggs "Champagne is just the WW in a posh frock!" grin I don't know what it is about Champagne - being spoilt perhaps? Anyway, if I had the courage to tell my friends about my problem they wouldn't give me things like that. I'm such a coward. Well done for going to the meetings. I still haven't ruled them out but just struggle with the notion.

East Hang on in there, just until tomorrow, just to beat the trigger! Good luck.

Off to take DC swimming now. Back later to hopefully tuck Day 1 under my belt. xxxxxx

going to have a bath with bubbles later and I have a great few new books on my kindle to read - just got home to a lovely dinner cooked by my wonderful H - jacket potato, chicken and salad and got a MonsterCat welcome - oh and the children are here too wink

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 17:09:52

I love that too guggs champagne is just the WW in a posh frock! ha, I can just imagine her, all tarted up and throwing a strop!

smellsliketeenspunk Thu 10-Jan-13 17:25:24

Hi everyone
I've been lurking for months and have wept with relief/sympathy/love when reading posts from bus-babes.

I got back from radoitherapy (br. ca. ) at lunchtime after stopping off to buy crap pizzqa for the kids and booze for me. I'm completely knackered from the treatment and fully aware that brca is linked very closely to alcohol yet I STILL CAN'T STOP.

I had chemo for a different cancer 8 yrs ago and despite the throwing-up still drank every day throughout. My worst fear was that I would have to go into hospital and not be ablr to drink.

It's threatening my marriage and my childrens' happiness and I STILL CAN'T STOP. I feel utterly disgusted with myself, yet even as I post I have a bottle beside me which I will hide (or throw away and get the next one ) before my DH comes home.

My DH has said that if he finds any more empty wine bottles hiddens around the house we will have to seperate, even though he loves me and doesn't want to. He just can't cope with it aqnd I don't blame him.

I just wanted to post in order to be part of the community and hopefully follow the same path as some as the more (and I don't know how to describe you lovely abstainers/cutter-downers) successful/lucky/strong babes.

I feel for you all and wish you all peace.

Just to be even more negative, what does anyone think about the genetic element to dependence/addiction? My family have a history of alcohol addiction and i really worry about my two sons. The eldest is completely like me.

Thanks for the previous posts, they have helped me to not hate myself a little bit. X

helpyourself Thu 10-Jan-13 17:29:09

(((*smellslike*)))
Have you spoken to anyone in RL? Are you afraid of stopping? Have you had alcohol free days?

greeneyed Thu 10-Jan-13 17:35:28

Welcome smells sorry you have so much to cope with right now. It sounds like you have all the motivation you need to stop and so much to lose if you carry on - have you reached out for help in RL - e.g AA, GP, SMART?

greeneyed Thu 10-Jan-13 17:38:01

Purple bearing in mind your recent discovery I think it's only natural you are worried about your own mortality and a drunken accident occurring! Sending you hugs x

jango36 Thu 10-Jan-13 17:50:33

hiya all.. well I got as far as day seven then I fell off the bus sad.. It was only two small white wines by that I mean the really small bottles but even so.... feel angry and frustrated with myself. How do you do it?? really is it possible to moderate drinking.

jango36 Thu 10-Jan-13 17:51:25

for now im sitting all blush in the side car. x

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 18:01:42

Smells well done for posting, stick with us and we can help you. But you have to do your part too. You have to accept that help. You have to want it more than you want anything else in your life, more than you want that next drink.

How far are you prepared to go. Are you really willing to risk losing your family or are you ready to kick that wine witch to the kerb.

It's a massive mountain to climb but you can do it. You do it like the rest of us. One step at a time.

One day at a time.

One minute at a time.

So, for now, put the lid on the wine. Go and brush your teeth. Put the kettle on. Have something to eat and stay with us. Just for now x

Jango I don't think moderating is for everyone. And it's not always helpful to try. I would suggest that anyone who wants to try 'controlled drinking' goes a good long stretch without anything at all first. Because if you can't control that, you won't have a hope of controlling occasional drinking.

Let's just not drink today.

MIFLAW used to say that the person who had been sober longest was the one who got up earliest that day. Because not one of us can really be sure of what will happen tomorrow, so why worry about it. Let's just deal with today, here, right now.

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 18:16:07

Really really struggling. Tired and fed up despite all the success. Usual pattern, hit the self.destruct button.
Drinking lime and soda but really struggling tonight.....

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 18:28:12

jango moderating your drinking.... well some would look at 7 days abstinence followed by 2 'small' glasses as moderation, but I think the real key is what is going on in your head? If you were entirely comfortable with having 2 small bottles (which btw is probably somewhere between 4-5 units, and already more than the recommended daily allowance for a woman) once in 7 days then you'd not be feeling guilty or troubled.

But I'm guessing that you were 'trying' not to drink and then gave in. And maybe having 'given in' you feel more likely to drink some more, and less resolved about simply having another 7 days sober?

That is not the thinking of 'people who drink 'normally' and are not troubled by any type of alcoholic thinking.

Personally I do think that moderation or controlled drinking is possible, but only once your head is free of your alcoholic habits / thinking.

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 18:32:53

MA Ma ma Please, please, please keep on going. Leap up and down and look out of your windows and you'll see me across the water waving and cheering you on.

And if you can't see me - just leap up and down anyway. It will help with your exercise programme and if you had any drink in your hand, you'd spill the whole bloody lot.

You DO NOT NEED to drink. You're a fab woman, and you deserve all the happiness and delight and normal ups and downs of sobriety.
xxx

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 18:41:35

ma I sent you a pm. You CAN do it x

smells what a lot you have on your plate sad BUT you know you have a problem too - it's a cliche but that really is half the battle won. I don't much like the word or the state of 'denial' but I was in it for years. As soon as you realise that what you're doing is wrong and not 'normal' that's when you can start to take steps to sort it out. I'm fallen off the wagon more times than I can count but I know that I'll do it one day - it must be horrible hearing your dh saying he's had enough but maybe he's desperate. My children are the ones that shame me. I don't know what to advise you to do, only you know what will help, but I know that everyone here will support you through it. Stay on board! As for the genetic thing - tricky one that - my dad died when i was very small - drunk on a motorbike and I have always been told he was a drinker, so maybe it is genetic. Eldest dd has to watch herself too - I worry about that, but I think that she's seen me being disgusting so will manage to keep herself together. Just be proud of yourself for getting this far xxx

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 19:21:02

smells well done for being brave and making the first post. are you getting any other help? talked to your GP?

I think the question of whether there is an alcohol gene is a red herring, some people have relatives with drinking problems, but not everyone does.

ma don't give up now! if your lime and soda isn't working tonight, try something different - cup of herbal tea? chocolate? a man with a Terrys Chocolate Orange and a feather duster?

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 19:33:06

Thank you Venus tried to reply to your pm but don't know if it sent.sorry for being such a wibblwr tonight, no real reason other than fatigue. Thought I was doing well but she,s still there, the WW, just waiting for me to run out of steam.
<takes off smug pants>
Going to watch the lovely Gordon Buchanan and his polar bears which I have on iPlayer. Why is this so fucking shit tonight?

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 19:44:44

Ma she's bringing in the big guns because she knows how strong you've got. She's flanking you because she knows you're tired and vulnerable. But you have outwitted her so far and you'll do it again.

We are all in this together and so far, you've been leading the way, carrying the flag and blowing the trumpet (must be all those healthy veggies grin).

Pass the banner onto someone else for now and get yourself right in the middle of us. We'll all help to shield you until she gives up and goes away to lick her wounds again.

< issues war cry 'Amazonian Battle Babes Unite' !!! >

Welcome lovely smells (not sure how I feel about calling you that, it sounds like something I migt have heard shouted across a playground at me circa 1974 grin please please keep posting. You say you can't stop and beleive me I have repeated that mantra for long enough, but actually my friend that is not true.
You can.
This illness (and I still doff a cap to noteven when I have this discussion, because it is an ill-ness even if it's not a disease) is one of denial (sorry Holly smile ) and self sabatage. When I drink every day I can convince myself that I simply cannot do anything else. i manage to debilitate my self will (and I am extremely stubborn and strong willed in a lot of other areas) undermine my natural energy and strengths and beleive completely tht I am powerless.
It's bollox smells nasty undermining bollox. You will need help, you might need AA or your local DAA team, you certainly will have us, but IT IS DO-ABLE for you and for all of us.

<<pushes her considerable bulk between Ma and the WW and bares her teeth and hisses like the gutter-dragged-up-wee-tyke (that would be spelt with a "T" grin not a "D" people ) that she is if you scrape the middle class veneer away. >>
Oi! WW hands off my mate!

HorsesDogsNails Thu 10-Jan-13 20:30:48

C'mon Ma, I'm here for you too...... I'm hearing Faire's war cry and I'm ready!!

You can do this, you can. Kick the ww where it hurts and enjoy it!!

veryworried29 Thu 10-Jan-13 20:30:50

Don't mind me, just marking my lurking spot. On the bus and not in the sidecar I am proud to say!

veryworried29 Thu 10-Jan-13 20:31:48

Aaargh, never seem to find an appropriate moment.

veryworried29 Thu 10-Jan-13 20:35:01

Fuck the fuck off all wine witches!

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 20:44:56

Appreciated the lovely hug Green I guess my past does make me more vulnerable to those sort of thoughts.

Ma Can you post and let us know how you are holding out? Only less than 3.5 hours to go before you've overcome the hurdle. Hugs! Lovely words, there Faire.

Smells I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. My Mother had a double mastectomy - and still couldn't give up drinking. It seems like a good solution when the world is too hard or too unfair but we all know it's not the answer and just robs us of hope,self-worth and our health. Have you spoken to your Doctor about it? I think some RL help would be very valuable for you right now - plus, post here, as often as you want/need. Take care. Wise words for you from East and Faire smile

Jango Only you will be able to work out whether controlled drinking is for you or not. But even if it is, you will need a good long period of abstinence (think I read in one article that 3 months was recommended). Don't beat yourself up or let the 'I'm on a diet and I've eaten one biscuit, I've blown the diet, may as well eat the whole packet' thought get you. (Says me!)

Bit achy from the fall but otherwise, OK tonight. Shop is shut, no alcohol in the house. (Oh, and text from Tasty Farmer (who's been in regular contact) tonight asking to meet me for a drink. Will take my time and then graciously agree [grins] me thinks.)

Day 1 (Mark 3) done. Onwards and upwards.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 20:50:48

Hey worried well done for not drinking. And joining in the battle cry grin

Purple good to hear you're holding up ok. Sounds like you're on the mend x

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 21:10:23

worried -well done you for posting. And well done for getting onto the bus and out of the side car. If you feel like it you could tell us about yourself....? But if you just want to sit quietly in the bus, that's OK too.

greeneyed Thu 10-Jan-13 21:11:47

Ma Hope I'm not too late for the battle cry. Tonight has been by far the toughest for me too - tiredness, weekend feeling, memory fade and resolve crumbling, very close to drinking tonight, but I'm here still holding your hand and proud of both us us - lets get through till tomorrow and see how we feel then.

It is pure bloodymindedness which has got me through this evening as I have made a big deal of dry January on facebook and want to see it through. Dig in Ma xx

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for lovely posts today. I really appreciate it.

faire - thanks for the reassurance. I did wonder how many people tell everyone they're alcoholics - it seems to be a big issue for AA (which I'm not going to, but thinking about it). But difficult.

purple - hope your knee is feeling better by now. It's terrible, isn't it, that 'oh, it's posh/a celebration/a present, I have to be allowed to drink it' ... as if we think our alchy-soaked brains will know the difference. I hope day 1 went well.

venus - thank you so much for that amazing post. That was spot on. I need to take it on board.

isinde - thank you, you are lovely. I'm glad to know it's not just me, too.

gugg - hello! I'm just planning to keep on trying one day at a time. Hope things are working out for you. 10 days - that must feel amazing! smile

smells - hello, nice to 'meet' you. You've come to the right place, these babes are wonderful.

<waves to very>

I'm ok today - I'm afraid I slept pretty much until now. Oops. But hopefully I'm on the right track. No drinking tomorrow, either.

So ... what is this I'm hearing about a book club?!

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 21:24:07

Oh thank you all So much. I seem to have something in my eye.....well, there's no point posting on here if I'm not going to be honest so gulp I failed. I had one glass. Fucking fuckingnfuck. I chucked the rest and have slapped myself with a fish and will be back on track tomorrow.
guggs and green I am so sorry to have let you down. So very sorry to have disappointed all the brave babes but your fabulous support and battle cry is ringing in my ears and I'
m not fucking giving up. I'm NOT.
On another note, how are we going to work the book club? I have "the black house" by Peter May up for grabs.

guggenheim Thu 10-Jan-13 21:32:26

Hi babes,

This bus is cracking along! smells welcome to the bus smile You are definitely making a good decision in reading and posting here. Does your consultant know you are drinking? Sorry,don't mean to be rude.

ma please don't. It isn't worth that one glass. Do you have any chocolate? olives? ice cream? Anything to hand you can put in your mouth instead? grin

baby that was a very nice thing to say and I appreciate it. x

joey You're one of those women who get young men to do housework wearing nothing but an apron,aren't you? I can tell from your posts, you know.

very welcome! It can seem hard to find the right time but you are very welcome. Listen to venus and faire and mouse that are the wiiiisse women on t'bus.

purple and LRD hope you are feeling a little better lovelies. x
Big wave to tiger how do those pants fit now?
Well done to anyone who's managed to stop or cut down or keep up with this crazy bus tonight.

guggenheim Thu 10-Jan-13 21:35:38

ma blimey love, you haven't let anyone down. We were all looking in the other direction anyway.

I had a massive trigger moment tonight because I watched eastenders and they were all drinking wine. hmm 'cept they weren't 'cos it's not real and they were just sipping watered down apple juice. Very hard to get booze out of the brain.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Jan-13 21:38:44

Ah ma what self control, I'm still loving the 'new' you. One glass? Sure, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. One glass in ten days? Forget about it, you went right up to the witch, looked her square in the eye and then turned your back on her. Bring it on grin

I'm on my kindle so won't be swapping but happy to recommend. I liked most of the Philippa Gregory books but especially The Other Boleyn Girl and same ones of that series. The Little House is really good too.

I liked The Hunger Games trilogy.

At the moment I've just started the 100 Year Old Man, got it for 20p on amazon. Will be off to bed soon 'cos I want to read a bit more of it.

Just had a very nice candle lit bath (I won't mention the tiny little setting fire to the shower curtain incident...it was dealt with snappily) and am drinking a vry nice glass of lime juice with tonic water - it's actually really good!. All sleep well and boot the witch!

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 21:45:17

guggs hmm you seem to know me well... grin

ma you have NOT failed us, if anything I think it's great you only had one glass and threw the rest away, because it's even harder to stop once you've started. if you know what I mean. <hugs>

and purple gossip about Tasty Farmer is just what the Bus needs! I assume I'm still on for bridesmaid duty?

greeneyed Thu 10-Jan-13 21:45:44

Ma agree with Gugg, you haven't let anyone down and you haven't failed - you stumbled that's all and now you are getting up again, still on the right path smile I could have written all your posts tonight and the only thing that stopped me having that glass was buying myself some new boots online (which I can't afford) to feel I was treating myself. You really haven't let me down and hey you past your personal best and your still going xx

Gugg yes soaps are ridiculous, everyone goes straight to the pub every night,

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 21:48:26

<rushes off to the supermarket to get the biggest, wettest fish possible to slap Ma with - not for the wine, you goose! but for beating yourself up!> Sending huge huge hugs! You poured the rest away! xxxxxx

Thanks Faire, Gugg and LRD smile The knee is beautiful colours now. Have had to tell DC that I slipped and fell (just left out the embarrassing details) as I can't walk up the stairs properly and they noticed. Must have jarred my back and shoulder in the fall as they are complaining too. Got lots of sympathy from DC - which made me feel guilty/worse. sad

Green You hang in there girl! You are doing fabulously! xx
Smell I haven't told any of my friends - which is why this bus is so valuable. All my friends think I'm really strong and capable. When I'm feeling weak and vulnerable, it's almost as if I'm letting them down somehow. Sensible side of the brain knows this is total rubbish but still.....

Oh, and Ma more hugs for you Sweetpea. (())

determinedma Thu 10-Jan-13 21:48:37

green I'm past my best? <outraged emoticon>...oh, I see what you mean. As you were.....

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 21:51:30

Hey Joey grin Of course you are! Seems he's keeping the puppy! I'm going to try and post the photo of him - just to make you smile. smile (Did we settle on yellow brush nylon for your dress.....?) xx

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 22:00:29

(Puppy pic posted!)

How are you today Koti? Has your arthritis and earache eased up at all? x

purple, can you go to the GP if it stays sore? That sounds as if you've really jarred something and knee stuff can be nasty.

ma - well done for stopping at one.

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 22:10:46

PS FYI If you log on to the Pizza Express web site, you can get a voucher code for 40% off your bill! Runs 'til 24th Jan Mondays - Thursdays. Obviously avoid the Vino Collapso! For those on Boot Camp - they've got some great salads too. Might be a nice treat for us all?!

venusandmars Thu 10-Jan-13 22:14:34

OMG purple that is a incredibly sweet little pup.

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 22:19:23

MARRY HIM NOW

PurpleWolfe Thu 10-Jan-13 22:27:52

grin at Joey. You just can't wait for that dress, can you?! Venus He's gorgeous, isn't he?! Apparently, he's quite cheeky. I've offered to have him (don't think Libby would be too impressed though!).

babyjane1 Thu 10-Jan-13 22:50:37

smells I cannot believe your courage, I feel ridiculously humble after reading your text. Concentrate on today and we will help you with tomorrow, after what you've been through, you can destroy the wine witch with one breath of your determination and courage xxxxx ( I'm creeping away feeling ashamed at my moans) x x x

aliasjoey Thu 10-Jan-13 23:06:22

purple said >> he's gorgeous isn't he?

puppy or farmer?

mrdarceych Thu 10-Jan-13 23:22:12

Oh dear... Am so pissed off... Wine witch got mesad was almost there... Will be in the side car for a few days I reckon... Too much crap in my life at moment... No work for forseeable future... DP in another country... Living with parents @ 42 years old... WTF!
I drank tonight.. Nearly just 2glasses but i have just finished the bottle.
Cant say if I feel any better for it or not?!? Anyway, its done now, and cant turn back the clock... But tomorrow I WILL NOT BE DRINKING
Daaay1

HorsesDogsNails Thu 10-Jan-13 23:24:26

Ma you haven't let me down, treat that 1 glass as an experiment - what have you learnt? That you don't need it? That it's not all that?

Be kind to yourself lovely please x

Wow, gorgeous puppy!

I've read back but just haven't got the energy to post tonight. Welcome smellslike and hello to all t'other babes.

I've had a real slump too. Stressy day and feeling harried and knackered, and I really really really wanted to pour a glass of wine while I was cooking. I didn't though, but I think it was only the prospect of having a glass tomorrow night that meant I didn't. That's not good really - I don't want to blow this by drinking too much. Ho hum, I'm too tired to think about it now.

Night babes x

kotinka Thu 10-Jan-13 23:34:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorry not managed to read through all messages, the bus is going too fast, we're going to get a speeding ticket!!! (((( )))) hugs for purple your story sounded exactly like something I would of done but I would of opened the wine ten probably passed on in the living room! Amazing you didn't open & have poured away! Massive (((( )))) for smellslike my dm is a functioning alcoholic though would never ever admit that as in her mind an alcoholic is an old man in the park drinking booze from brown paper bag. My dm had brca 3 yrs ago & as soon as she came out of treatment centre she lit up a cigarette & as soon as she got home she poured a glass of wine. My dm's df was an alcoholic who came from a mining family in the west of Scotland & were all drinkers. My dm is starting to get more like her df when drinking. I see my dbro has issues with alcohol & various members of my family. It scares me to think is it inevitable that I will go down the same path. I know when out & I'm drinking I always want the night to go on. Good luck smellslike glad you've found the bus x

silverangel Fri 11-Jan-13 08:18:44

Purple - aborable puppy - is he a Cairn? We have one and they really are AWESOME little dogs!

veryworried29 Fri 11-Jan-13 09:00:51

Just wanted to say I'm a very long time lurker, occasional poster, under a nc (the veryworried part of my nc is not to do with alcohol or drinking) and you babes with all your stories help keep me on the straight and narrow, you really do, and I just pop up occasionally to mark my place so that I don't lose the thread.

And I also wanted to encourage Smellsliketeenspunk to post again and keep posting. As you know, it is a battle bus like no other!

helpyourself Fri 11-Jan-13 09:05:50

Morning all! That drinking mirror is petrifying. Do not upload pictures of your daughters. It was like l

helpyourself Fri 11-Jan-13 09:10:05

Sorry- uploading pictures of dd was depressing as she looked like me.
May I make a suggestion? I think we need to constantly rename the wine witch- otherwise she loses her 'bite'. A bit like alcohol itself, if the quantities and consequences were like it is now at the beginning we'd be horrified, but we get used to it.
Today's wine witch could be voice of denial, or sleezy ex?

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 09:23:22

I think of her as a stroppy toddler. If your 3-year-old wanted to play with a sharp knife would you let her? No. What if she whined and demanded and threw a trantrum? Still NO.

What if she then promised to be careful, and she deserved a treat because she had been so good all day?

STILL NO! and go and sit on the naughty step and stop bugging me about it.

helpyourself Fri 11-Jan-13 09:23:40

All the babes, but specifically mrd and * smells* how are you today?

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 09:29:12

Can't read back properly because I'm at work but just to say I love that we're all posting whether we're doing well or not so well. Jango don't worry, I got as far as day 14 and fell off the bus. Last night. In spectacular fashion. A whole bottle opened at 2.30pm whilst cooking (my favourite way to drink). I didn't get drunk and exH who was at mine didn't notice but DD did. On the way out the door with her dad she said she could smell it on me sad Oh the shame. She knows I'm trying to stop but there's no point in me talking to her about it anymore - actions speak louder than words. I know she's disappointed in me because she hasn't replied to any of my texts this morning. Sometimes I think I'm trying to subconsciously push her away because I don't feel like I'm a good-enough mother. In fact I don't feel like I'm a good-enough anything and probably that's what underlies my drinking. Perhaps with AA I can get to the bottom of it but haven't been going to meetings and know I should start again....

Venus your post to Jango about alcoholic thinking was very useful - really it's not so much about how much you drink but rather how you think about it. 9 units in 2 weeks isn't so bad on the face of it but for someone like me it's totally crap. What it boils down to is that I still haven't faced up to the fact that I have a problem and that's why I keep relapsing. Ma you're amazing to have had only one glass and you haven't let anyone down. In fact you're helping people like me by being honest and posting. We loves ya. Mia hon, bloody well done for not drinking last night, hope you feel more positive this morning. Thank God I'm at work and busy otherwise I'd be at home stewing in my own misery juice. Day feckin 1. Again smile

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 09:30:31

Purple I heart your puppy

helpyourself Fri 11-Jan-13 09:50:17

Sobasoma what are your plans for today? Is DD home tonight? Do you have alcohol in the house? Can you find a balance between seeing what your triggers were yesterday and not stewing?
I'm really struggling today- far from a drink, but very anxious and distray. DS is still asleep, he has an exam tomorrow, then quite a full on weekend before new job on Monday, a job I'm really excited about and the start of which I had to delay because of my gland operation. I should get DS up and have a busy day, but I'm mnetting, drinking coffee and nipping out for fags. And the dog's still asleep and when she gets up she can't go in the garden as the house behind has got the fence down.
Wah Wah Wah. Feel utterly overwhelmed.

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:05:36

Help, I'm working till 3, don't have DD tonight and no booze in the house but must avoid detour to supermarket on the way home. My trigger yesterday was that something (don't know what) made me think about how exciting it would be to have a drink so excitement is what I had to have. Does that make any sense? Starting a new job is very stressful even if it's a positive step, and of course you're feeling a bit anxious. Doggy still asleep at nearly 10am? What an angel! Can she pee outside the front of the house and then you take her for a walk later?

You're just having a slow start and feeling overwhelmed by everything that's happening. Try to quiet your head and face up to doing one thing at a time.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:06:27

Morning Soma So sorry to hear it's not so good for you this morning. I find the shame I feel about my DC and drinking is the worst. Give her time to come round and try to be 'normal' when she gets home? My DD usually gets tired of trying to punish me - or forgets. My worst thing is her ringing her DF and telling him exaggerated tales about me (not usually about my drinking - yet) and I feel I have to defend myself to him. Anyway, Sweetpea, sending you some Big Pants to don. Try and have a good day, something nice and nutritious to eat, lots of water (you know the drill) and get your resolve back for your Day 1. It's when we give up trying to give that we fail - You are still battling and you have done great! 14 days is excellent! Just think how your body has appreciated that 14 days. Sending hugs. (()) PS Not my puppy - yet! [grins]

MrD I think we all know the 'just two glasses' thing Lovely, you are not alone. You've made a fantastic start. Sometimes it takes a few starts to get to where you want to be. Well done for coming back on here and posting. I don't know about you but this is the one place I can vent my negative feelings and nobody will judge. Good luck with Day 1, you are not alone.

Joey Both! [grins] Would adopted both! Liked the toddler analogy! Sending you hugs, just for the hell of it. (())

Ma How are you feeling today, Lovely? I'm hoping that you can see your small amount of wine wasn't a huge 'falling down a black pit' sort of thing today, more of a small blip which you pulled back from - shows great strength and is something I can't (yet) do. Well done, you!

Koti Thanks for the lovely words. Are the tablets helping? Hope you are feeling better.

Clutter and Koti Thank you for your support and encouragement, it's always so nice to hear that you aren't the only one who has done something stupid whilst under the influence. Without this Bus, and post like yours, I would still be feeling like my problems were mine and mine alone. Clutter I come from a long line of alcoholics too. There are various studies - some say there is a link but there doesn't have to be? Who knows!?

Silver I think he's a Cairn, can't quite remember?

Thanks LRD Knee is much better today (phew!)!

Smells How are you doing today, Sweet?

How's it going Green, New, Baby and Venus

Mouse You OK? Hope you are not on here because you are getting lots of rest? Hugs anyway.

Finally plucked up the courage to stand on the scales again today. It seems I have put on 13lbs in my 4+ week binge!! But, I'm trying to be pragmatic and view it as I'm still 8lb lighter than when I started this journey. So, am I too late to join the Boot Camp?

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:11:57

Help Sending positive vibes your way. It's so hard when you feel overwhelmed. (Last week I didn't get the right black bin back after the bin men had been and it overly affected me. How petty is that?!) Can you take the dog in the garden on her lead just for now? Good luck with the new job - and congratulations too!

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:17:16

Purple thanks - yes it's the shame and unfortunately for me DD never stops being upset with me for drinking. She tells her dad too but he doesn't have a go at me for it. Sorry haven't read back about puppy but if you're thinking of getting one, go for it. Dogs are the best companions and bring so much joy.

The genetic link with alcoholism is very much open to debate - neither of my parents are drinkers but me and DB are, exH's mum was an alcoholic but he and his siblings hardly drink at all. As you say, who knows.....

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:23:25

How old is she again Soma? I seem to remember she's teen-ish? You will be Public Enemy Number 1, it's the law, even if you were that mythical being that is - The Perfect Mother! I just read that she's not with you tonight? Maybe take the time to be nice to yourself, have a break from the upset and tomorrow, try to be 'normal' and just let her know you are there for her when she's ready? They are bloody hard work, Lovely! My DD is my biggest 'trigger'. xx

Had a really good nights sleep - first one since stopping! Didn;t even hear MonsterCat wittering at 4am grin Just done a pile of ironing and am going swimming after JK blush Am very pissed off though as my kindle has frozen. tried everything they suggest and am now 'chatting' to an amazon chappie.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:23:55

PS Puppy belongs to The Tasty Farmer grin

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:30:38

Lovely Purple I'm so glad you understand. She turned 13 two days ago so yes it's bloody hard work sometimes! Do you think it's best that I just don't allude to my drinking at all? Let her come round as you say and if she doesn't want to see me tomorrow just accept it and tell her I love her? I just feel so guilty because she remembers all the horridness caused by my drinking when me and her dad were breaking up (she was 7).

I take it there hasn't been any contact with TF? Are you having any luck on Match?

helpyourself Fri 11-Jan-13 10:41:07

Thank you all!
Son and dog still asleep! I've checked on them, and will now have a decaffeinated coffee and fag before running bath and starting their day. Definitely dog on lead in garden for poop and wee!

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:44:57

Teen/pre-teen daughters will make you feel guilty about anything and everything, it's their job! - and it makes no difference to them whether it's true, over highly over-exaggerated or has no semblance to the truth at all! She's found a big stick to hit you with and it hurts all the more because you feel so guilty about it. Breaking up is crap. People do lots of things they wouldn't normally do, act in ways that are out of character just trying to find ways to deal with the pain and upheaval. Maybe try to put some of that stuff behind you and concentrate on 'now', moving forward. You can't undo the past but you can build on lessening your own feelings of guilt by moderating/stopping your drinking. I reckon your DD, at the moment, would still berate you if you only had a white wine spritzer with Sunday dinner? I think telling her you love her and will be there for her when she needs you is a good idea. Perhaps not bring up the alcohol issue for now. My DD loves to get one over on me and I think, to some extent, that's what your DD is doing. You love her, care for her, are there for her and are concerned and trying to modify your behaviour for her. You are a good Mum and she's lucky to have you.

As for TF - He's been in constant contact over the past couple of weeks. Nice, light hearted text/e-mail messages, you know "How is your day going" "Are you staying warm in this weather" "Did you see - on the telly" etc. I've been really good and been very laid back. I was pleased that he's asked for another date but still, taking it slow. grin

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 10:48:00

(PS Soma Got a cheeky date on Tuesday with Mr Stone Mason (off POF)! So not pacing the floor, wringing my hands about TF)

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:48:42

You've made me feel so much better about DD Purple, I can't thank you enough. And yes, she'd disapprove if I had so much as a sniff of alcohol.

Sounds really really promising with TF - a slow burn is the best way to start anything.

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 11:15:36

strong vibes to everyone who's struggling this morning.

purple who is Mr Stone Mason?! has HE got a cute puppy?

want to keep doing dry January but part of me thinks I'm allowed a drink at weekends.

oh, and we have bird mites. officially. which we can't get rid of because starlings are a protected species. FFS.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 11:17:19

smile Soma We beleaguered mother's of teen/pre teen daughters of Satan must stick together! Hugs. x

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 11:25:26

Starlings?! Protected species!? I thought they were supposed to be the vermin of the skies? Where do you go from here then Joey? There must be something you can do legally? How are you doing re: resolve today?

Mr Stone Mason? - no, no puppy - or horses - or farm, so he's on the back foot to start with! Lol! But he is tall and interesting and kind. I just didn't want to put all my eggs in TF's basket (you have no idea how much that made me laugh when I read it back!). xxxx

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 11:30:31

thanks purple that really cheered me up (eggs in TFs basket)

yeah starlings are those birds you see in their thousands swarming the skies, but apparently we could be fined for disturbing the nest. although the MITES are not a protected species, are they?!

The pest control guy remarked that if someone was clearing the gutters, and happened to remove the nest 'by mistake' that would be a dreadful shame, eh? He's going to get back to us once the mite has been microscopically 100% identified.

Hello everyone!

purple, so glad the knee feels better. How exciting, the dating! I don't think I ever really 'dated' someone, it sounds very glam.

soma - good to 'see' you. I always wonder about the genetic stuff too. I have heard that as well as genetics, there's what age you were when you started drinking heavily, as it can have quite an effect on your brain while it's still developing. For me I think it will be the genetics, but it's not a strong link - my parents are heavy drinkers and my dad is probably edging towards functioning alcoholic (he was worse a few years back), but they're not awful and neither of my brothers is remotely that way.

Hope all is well with you, mouse?

Right: I'm going to keep checking in but meantime, best of luck to everyone for today.

I thought starlings were pests?! confused

How annoying for you.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 11:40:00

<good grief, should really, really leave the lap top and go and do something domestic but.....>

But, surely human health comes first Joey? Isn't there something public health or your doctor can do (apologies, am talking out of my posterior but am shocked about this) once they have been 100% identified? Alternatively, I suppose, you could hire a really clumsy handy-man....? Still, it sounds like total madness to me! Are you still avoiding the room? No point putting new bed/bedding in there until the problem is accidentally evicted resolved.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 11:45:11

LRD Thanks Sweet, feel less like a pathetic old woman now that I'm not limping so much. smile And, no, dating isn't really very glam. It's more often disappointing and soul destroying - with the occasional 'spark' here and there - which is what keeps me going! Still, if I don't make an effort I may as well order myself 20 cats and resign myself to the title of Mad Cat Woman of my village. grin x

Oh, don't spoil my illusions! wink

But I hope the sparks win out over the soul-destroying bits soon.

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 12:31:39

pre-teen/early teen daughters are the devils' spawn. Seriously. I have survived two of them and they are just horrible. The good things is they come out the other side as rather nice young women, but that's only if you don't snap and kill them first.
Am over last night's blip - I hope. Tonight will tell. Am a bit scared that that one small crack will trigger a landslide but your support is keeping me going. You are all great.
I have lost 2 more pounds, making a total of five pounds this year grin

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 12:42:25

ma well done on the weight loss! I don't even bother weighing myself anymore blush

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 12:52:56

Ma it's good to hear that they do get over themselves eventually, It's so hard though, when she's sitting on the sofa straightening her (gorgeous wavy) hair for a whole hour, whilst constantly BBMing her friends, to not say something really sarcy. I too am worried about last night being the thin end of the wedge but hope to see you all later in a sober state.

Bird mites Joey, how extraordinary and what a crazy situation. At least you know what the critters are now though.

Joey you might want to get a second opinion... starling are red list birds (endangered), but this doesn't make a great deal of difference that I'm aware of. It is illegal to disturb the nest of any bird (other than feral pigeons) when it is active (in use). Any starlings' nests in your roof would not currently be active, so you wouldn't be breaking any law to remove them.

www.rspb.org.uk/advice/law/whatsintheroof/removal.aspx
www.rspb.org.uk/wildlife/birdguide/name/s/starling/legal.aspx

A quick google indicated that the mites can't survive longer than a few weeks away from the host bird, so infestations usually occur after young flee the nest (summer). Do you have them roosting in your loft/roof? They are protected in law in that you can't kill them, but it wouldn't be illegal to block their access to your roof/loft space, as far as I can see?

What a horrible thing to have, but at least you're moving towards a solution.

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 14:21:49

joey missed the bit about the mites. So glad they have been identified at last. I think that nest really needs to be accidentally knocked out of the gutter.................

guggenheim Fri 11-Jan-13 14:23:35

Hello lovely babes

Big test for me tonight because I'm going to see friends. I want to stay sober but I also want to have a social life. I've made some plans and have told one of my friends that I'm not drinking. I just said that I was trying to lose weight after crimbo.

Sidecar babes no one is letting themselves down! Everyone is here posting or lurking or just thinking it through. Even if we (I) just manage a few af nights and think a bit more about why we (I) drink then it still chips away at our excuses for picking up the next drink.

joey sorry, but I'd be up that ladder pronto. They're sodding starlings not flipping dodo nests. I'd be tempted to shift them before spring too. What a stupid and unsympathetic response from the council!

help interesting idea to change the name of the ww, although I like the fact that everyone knows what is meant by that. A bottle of 'bollocked brained boyfriend' would keep me away.

purple that puppy is beautiful. smile

koti hope you are feeling better today.

I still don't know how much weight I've lost but I have lost some. Dh has programmed the new scales and they don't work anymore. This is the fault of stupid complicated scales not dh!

Soma my lovely, I am completely with you on the teen/tween frustration. I agree with Purple that she is using this as a stick to beat you with. How do you think that she would react if you said something like
"DD I know that you have worried about my drinking in the past, when things were bad between me and your dad, but our situation is very different now. I don't drink very often any more, but occasionally I do like to have a few glasses of wine. I know you don't like it, but I am an adult and it is up to me to make choices about my life. Many adults like to have a drink occasionally. I love you very much, but I'm not going to let you dictate to me how I should behave."
In that way, you're sort of removing the responsibility and anxiety she feels about your drinking - knowing that you're struggling with it, worrying that you're going to relapse, trying to keep you from relapsing and drinking - it's all stuff that she shouldn't have to have on her mind. If you tell her firmly that it isn't a problem, that it isn't her responsibility or concern, and it isn't her place to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing, might that take the pressure off her (and you)?

I'm not suggesting that you plan to drink occasionally, or at all, by the way. But you do have a pattern of periods of abstinence followed by occasional drinking. If you're aiming for abstinence but then fall off the wagon, rather than DD thinking that it's some disasterous thing for her to worry about and berate you for, (and for you to beat yourself up about!), could it be an occasional event that she accepts happens from time to time.

That sort of hinges on it only being occasional though, and that you're not getting visibly hammered, and that one slip doesn't turn into regular binges. You've always been more of an occasional binger though, haven't you, rather than an every-nighter?

Just my thoughts - I may be way way off there, as I haven't exactly got it all worked out here! Luckily for me, DD doesn't mind me drinking at all - but that brings problems of its own in that I don't want her to think that it's fine and normal to use alcohol to relax and treat yourself.

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 14:38:51

guggs good idea about the 'post-Christmas diet' excuse! also plan what you are going to have as an alternative etc?

I'm feeling very weak right now, but I want to finish dry January!

re. bird mites - I found an almost identical news story online about a family in a similar situation. I think we will just have to forget about the council and pay the pest control company to remove the 'pigeons' nest. DH also thinks we can move DD back up there but I am so tempted to just let her move into the spare room permanently. He's kicking up a fuss because thats his special room, converted at great expense, but hell she is my PFB. I wouldn't sleep there myself!

And I am feeling better today, thank you. smile

Less stressy, calmer. Planning one or two glasses of red tonight with dinner (chorizo and lentils with jerusalem artichokes as a potato alternative. Yum!).

It'll be interesting to see how it affects my sleep, as I've been sleeping much better this week.

Help hope you're feeling better. I frequently feel overwhelmed. Just imagine how much worse you'd feel if you were hungover!
Smellslike keep posting. You've got so much on your plate but you've come to the right place.
Gugg I hope you have a fun and sober evening.
MrD let's keep on eating the olives!
Purple I've always thought from what you posted that The TF sounds like a keeper. I think that when he was a bit distant it was just that he had a lot on his plate, and that when he couldn't commit to plans it wasn't that your were 2nd best, just that he'd already made a provisional arrangement. He sounds like he really likes you but that he's got a lot on his plate. I agree slow burn is the best! Does he know you've got a date? Do you think he'd mind? Would you mind if he went on a date? So many questions! grin

Where's Mouse? Hope you're ok.

Right, must crack on. See you later babes.

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 14:44:40

Good luck tonight Gugg. Do you have an excuse like driving or are you relying on willpower? Mia what a thoughtful post and actually it might be a good idea to get it out in the open with her so I don't have to keep on worrying her so much/beating myself up. You are right though and I can't afford to slip back; at my worst I've been night on/night off (up to a bottle and a half on the nights I drink) and I'd hate to go back there.

As for getting visibly hammered, the worst that happens is that I become somewhat animated and loud - I'm never aggressive/maudlin/incapable etc, not these days anyway. What are you like after a few drinks? I wouldn't worry too much about setting a poor example though, my parents hardly drank at all and look at me....

smellsliketeenspunk Fri 11-Jan-13 14:53:44

Tanks everyone for your warmth and kindness. I am overwhelmed. i can't do emoticons or bold so feel free to skip my ramblings if it's all too much hard work.

To those who have asked if I have confided in anyone in RL, the answer is no. I'm a functioning alcoholic, so to speak and considered very capable/responsible by my few friends. My GP is not particularly helpful and once said to my neighbour when she went for hepl for her sister that he had never in 30 years seen an alcoholic recover. Nice. I come from a northern working class background where, ironically, there is a strong drinking culture but to seek help is seen as unacceptably weak. I know that is bollocks but it's nevertheless ingrained in my thinking.

HELP yes I am afraid of stopping and no AF days.

PURPLE hope you're feeling better. My spectacular fall was last summer when I fell downstairs, brke three ribs and didn't even notice till I wole up next morning. It was also a shock to be told by DH that my vast bulk had turned a good part of the banisters to matchsticks. i t was horrible hearing him trying to explain to the kids why he was gluing them back together 'cause mummy had had a fall. I understand the guilt.
I bet it's much more fun sorting out outfits for your busy 'social' life that glugging down the foul liquid.

GUG not rude at all. X my consultant does not know. I told my aneasthetist though when I my two operations as I had read that the levels of anaesthetic my have to be adjusted for a heavy drinker as the normal amounts might not knock them out enough!!! I was shit scared going into that operating theatre.

MA agree with all the other posters. 1 glass then throwing the bottle away is a triumph. I absolutely could not have done it - as someone said its actually harder after one to not continue.

BABY thanks so much. DO NOT feel humble/ashamed! where's that wet fish? We're all going thru the same thing. Your problems are as real and impotyant as everyone else's. keep posting.Alcohol dependance/abuse is in my , unfortunately very informed opinion, just as much an insidious, underhand little fucker as cancer. at least with my br ca there's no guilt an dself-hatred.

CLUTTER you sound just like me.

Finally, and I can hear all those sighs of relief babes, thanks to all who offered some reassurance re the genetic aspect to this bastard of an illness.

Love to you all XX

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 16:44:46

ssmells hello again, and good to hear you starting to think about how to change

Day 7. I will not drink today. I don't usually say that, with me it's either yes or no, not maybe; but tonight I am feeling the pull. not going to think about dry January, just One Day At a Time.

mia you're right about the starlings, not sure why the guy said they couldn't deal with it. I just want it fixed now!

where is mouse ? hopefully she's just too busy, didn't Nemo go back to school today?

Tigerinthegrass Fri 11-Jan-13 17:11:11

Hello smells . joey I'd have accidently knocked that nest by now, your daughters well being is more important ... Scratch....scratch.
Well day 11 here and bored senseless. Sleeping well. Eating myself into a food coma, so actually putting on weight. Not a happy bunny. Still want to do dry January though. Why is it so boring?

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 17:48:25

tiger from what I understand real life IS actually quite boring without alcohol, and we just have to get used to it hmm it does get easier

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 17:56:07

Checking in. Had a lime and soda. The evening looks long.
Had a pm from mouse she has had a busy day and will be on later I think.
Stay strong

Checking in too grin struggling a little - am drinking Belvoir elderflower presse. It's alright I s'pose. Will move on to the tonic and lime later. Bit flat..sorry. Hope everyone ok. Sorry to be dull.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 18:10:20

Tiger life is far from boring but you have to go out there and get it. It's not something you can order from Tesco grin

What do you want to do with your time now that you're not drinking, drunk or recovering from a heavy night. We're so used to sitting around with a glass in our hands that we don't even know half of what's out there.

Join a club, take up a hobby, learn a new skill, do some voluntary work, meet new people who never knew the old you. The opportunities are endless really.

Did you see that episode of Friends where someone was using Monica's bank card to pay for all their activities, and having far more fun than Monica ever had.

If you follow the link in the OP to the very first thread from JWN you will see how she threw herself into life and started to really enjoy herself smile

Purple when you said you would put a picture of him on your profile, I thought you meant Tasty Farmer! But the pup is such a cutie.

Ma you will be so, so, so glad in the morning if you don't drink today. Could you plan an early morning activity that would be horrendous with a hangover? Take ds swimming or something?

guggenheim Fri 11-Jan-13 18:41:31

faire what is the motivational phrase for friday?

smells ooh I'm glad you didn't think I was being rude, I just wondered if it might effect your treatment.I can associate with your post. I'm a functioning alcky- close friends know I drink a lot but most people see me as a naice laydee.(till they get to know me). My family have the same ethos and drink to excess too, that's their choice really,nowt to do with me. Good luck and keep posting.

Tonight I am driving and I'm only bringing soft drink to the party. For me it would be massively rude to drink wine if I hadn't brought any so I hope it will keep me straight. If I drink then any member of the bus can hit me,repeatedly, with a creature of their choice grin

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 18:48:02

Tiger that's what alcohol has always meant to me too - excitement. But it's not a real feeling is it? Think that's partly my problem, my life is lacking in excitement so I look for it in a bottle. We could do with following Faire's advice smile

Holly and Ma have you eaten yet? That always takes the edge off for me. Anything good on telly? (I'm really showing my age, no-one has to rely on the TV schedule anymore). Had a good chat with DD (thanks for all the support earlier, Mia moreorless repeated what you'd suggested!) and she seems OK and happy to be with me.

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 18:49:41

Yeah, give the poor old fish a break!

Tigerinthegrass Fri 11-Jan-13 19:04:39

I am trying Faire I'm reading more and walking my dog. I'm not bored as in sat twiddling my thumbs all the time, I used to crack on with stuff while I was drinking anyway. Used to get up in the morning thinking best do the ironing only to see I'd already done it lol. Auto pilot mode I suppose. It's my state of mind I suppose I need to change

HueyMorganismyboyfriend Fri 11-Jan-13 19:06:51

Great post faire xxxx still lurking and not drinking x

HueyMorganismyboyfriend Fri 11-Jan-13 19:06:53

Great post faire xxxx still lurking and not drinking x

I think we 're supposed to think not drinking is boring. It's just getting over that for me at least. After a while you find things to fill the time - I've certainly noticed during my sober spells that there is so much more energy to burn off!

Am cooking a rather fabulous curry to have later when dc in bed - as for TV well come on you lot, there are TWO Corries tonight and a prog at nine about the biggest familt in Britain who have 16 kids - I reckon that's worth a watch grin

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 19:13:58

watches gugg and oils the squid in readiness.
east that's how i felt yesterday, and a bit today if I'm honest.
have had a healthy tea - veggie omelette hmm and will probs have yet another bath as that used up half an hour or so.
i've never been so fecking clean.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 19:27:35

Evening all. Have just eaten my body weight in salmon salad confused. All healthy but, boy do I feel bloated now!

Mia This internet dating malarkey is a weird place and the etiquette is not something that is easy to pin down. I haven't told him about the date but if he asks, I will. Yes, I would be a bit upset if I though he was going on a date (I haven't/won't asked him) but then I have made it clear that I'm happy to meet up whenever he's ready whereas it's he who has found it difficult to get together at the moment. Does that make any sense. I'm really hoping you are right, I get the feeling he is a 'good egg' who is trying to do the right thing - he just needs to work out what that is. I don't know him well enough, though, to know whether there is any chance he still want to try again with his ex? First dates of dating sites aren't really 'dates', they are just an exercise in 'do I feel like running out of the door screaming or not'! Lol! Seriously, they are just a 'get to know' the other person a bit to see if there is any kind of 'spark'. I can tell you, nine and a half times out of ten - there ain't! I don't think I'm being unfair to TF, I hope not. Would love to hear other opinions on the matter.

Smells So sorry to hear of your fall down the stairs and that the subsequent explanations your DH had to give your children made you feel worse. Your poor ribs. Re: Dressing up - I only have a couple of 'going out' outfits that I actually fit in so anything passed a second date will require a trip to the shops. sad

Faire If his photo on Match was any good I'd nick it and post it here but it's awful, blurred and from a distance! I'll have to wear a pin-hole, secret camera if he ever makes his mind up on another date.

Joey Pom poms for you!!! Day 7! Well done girl! x Hugs East and strength.

Soma Can I vote for squid for face slapping for the next few days? Would have great comedic value! Hope you are feeling OK tonight. Hugs.

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 20:22:54

purple thank you, I was just feeling a bit down, got a bit of a migraine and wishing I could have a drink, so that was a nice reminder of how far I've come!

the good news is the pest control guys have agreed to take the nest, and they're coming on Monday

the other good news is we're going to the in-laws tomorrow and I have stopped drinking when visiting them. although part of me thinks that is bad news because I want something after all the trauma this week...

ma guggs soma stay strong everybody, the Wine Witch is a bitch tonight. should we all link arms?

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 20:28:51

Links arms with others. Yes she is skulking round here tonight, whispering enticements. Oh this is wearisome......

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 20:30:36

It's Forge on Through Friday, Guggs

Power on straight through the weekend, just like any other day, one day at a time.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 20:32:26

Well, as long as we've all got our arms linked, we might as well do the Can Can

Can we do the Hokey Cokey next, please, please, pretty please

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 20:34:35

High kicks along the bus, showing her knickers

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 20:40:52

How about the Conga!? grin x

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 20:48:00

Showing her smug knickers grin

greeneyed Fri 11-Jan-13 20:48:00

Love it Faire, much better than Fuck IT Friday which it could so easily be here! Tonight was fine until I went on facebook and people have thrown in the towel with dry January - my immediate thought was oh good i can too as I won't lose face if I'm not the first -not exactly the right mindset! I think what's changed is the wanting bit - memory fade has happened so I have lost the desperately wanting NOT to drink, self loathing and have the WANTING to drink - actually I don't even really want to drink I just want to rebel, I just feel I am not allowed to do something and therefore I must do it because I can and I will - inner toddler, teenager? Anyway I'm not going to think about the rest of the month as I just see days to be endured stretching ahead.

One day at a time, I will not drink tonight, tomorrow I'll think about then. Sorry not to namecheck, have been reading and haven't had time to post, just needed to get that down. Love to all xx

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 20:52:52

green I could have posted that myself.I totally understand that post. It was relatively easy for a while but its getting harder and morentedious

greeneyed Fri 11-Jan-13 21:00:39

Our minds work in such a weird and self defeating way - I am this close to opening a bottle of wine because I have friends coming tomorrow and I'm sure I'll drink and therefore "FUCK IT" drink now - even though by rights it's 9 O'clock now and I wouldn't normally start drinking at this time. So that logic is have a drink now because I might have one tomorrow confused

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 21:03:58

That's why we don't think about tomorrow.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 21:05:17

That's the WW logic speaking, whispering in your ear Green! Give her a smack in the mouth and tell her to come back tomorrow! xx

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 21:08:33

Oh green don't do it. You have done brilliantly and I am pissed off with myself for my one glass lapse yesterday. Can you go to bed early, can you go now? Can you promise yourself a treat tomorrow if you don't drink tonight? Tell the wine witch to FUCK OFF! I will be going to bed the minute ds gets his arse off the sofa and goes

smellsliketeenspunk Fri 11-Jan-13 21:11:44

Have had two bottles of wine and two cans of cider. I don't even appear drunk. my sister just said 'well it's fri night, shall we have a drink?' she thinks it's just time to have a small can of lager between us (??) I feel so crap, don't know what DH and DS are saying about me.

Just to say keep on keeping on, to all you strong minded WW-fucker-offers. give her a kick uo the arse for me.

I'm thinking about tapering off during the rest of my radoitherapy - two weeks - no wine and reducing cans of cider/lager. I know it's an excuse but i also know cold turkey can be dangerous. If I did go CT though, surely you would have some warning before a seizure or something serious. It wouldn't just happen with no warning?

Thanks everyone. DH can't find stuff to put DS1 to bed. WTF it's only a book.

got to go . XX

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 21:15:26

The thing is, at the time the 'craving' for want of a better word, seems so strong and all encompassing. But when it's gone, we wonder what all the fuss was about.

We know we can get past it but the only way is to not give it any attention whatsoever. Don't mull it over, don't consider the pro's and cons, don't make bargains, or listen to that inner voice. Just do something else until it passes.

I know it's hard but it will go away. Now, where were we - oh yes, put your left leg in, your left leg out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about . . .

Fairenuff Fri 11-Jan-13 21:17:59

smells please speak to your gp about this. They will help you detox safely and we will hold your hand x

smells That is a tricky one - is there such a place as addaction or a stop drinking service near you - you wouldn;t have to go through your doctor then and could get some good advice about cutting down/stopping. Sounds like a difficult place to be living sad
I've managed tonight - done 11 days now. Blimey. In bed with MonsterCat numbing my legs and CBB (I know I know, am taping the big family prog!) Everyone - hope you're doing ok, x

greeneyed Fri 11-Jan-13 21:25:42

Thank you babes smile Your right faire, intense but gone now - I have to say if the wine had been in the fridge and not the back of the garage I WOULD be drinking it now. Babes you have to remove it from the house!

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 21:37:04

Well done Green, girl done good! x

Smells I agree with Faire you need some support right now, for all that it going on for you. We will all be here for you.

East Well done on Day 11

Big, stupid row with cow bag DD just now but doing OK here at Purple Towers. smile

kotinka Fri 11-Jan-13 21:48:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 21:48:40

green and everyone else who's managed to kick off the WW tonight, well done!

:and shake it all about:

mrdarceych Fri 11-Jan-13 21:55:41

purple thanks for your concern... But... I am still in the side car at mo... I know how well I did the last 9 or so days... But...I am on my last 3days of work... And am really struggeling... I wish I hadnt but I have drunk a bottle of Port and half bottle red wine today sad
I will be back on the bus as soon as possible... I know i have to.... What a fucking mess sad

determinedma Fri 11-Jan-13 22:07:26

Well done green. That's why I had to physically chuck a bottle of stuff down the sink last night.if it was still here, I would have drunk it tonight.
east well done you.
purple teen dds are bitches of the highest order. They are pushing every boundary going and constantly spoiling for a fight. Try not to engage in one unless really vital. Ignore the small stuff, nod and say brightly " that's fine/nice dear" or "well, if you say so I'm sure it must be true" ( they hate that one) or shrug and say "whatever". Don't do all the picking up after her. When she doesn't have clothes washed or ironed she will figure out how to do it herself, or wear them unironed.stuff left lying about gets scooped up, put in a bin bag, and dumped in her room. She can rummage in it to find her stuff.rudeness is unacceptable, attempts at communication are rewarded and praised. Mobile phones/iPads etc can be confiscated and earned back. Be consistent, make sure she knows you love her and will always be there for her, but you have expectations and as someone living in your house, she has to meet them

SobaSoma Fri 11-Jan-13 22:20:09

"Well, if you say so I'm sure it must be true" priceless Ma - thanks for the potted guide to co-existing with those lovely teens. Hope peace still reigns Purple.

MrD that's the great thing about the bus, you can hop on and fall off and hop right on back again.

PurpleWolfe Fri 11-Jan-13 22:23:41

Thanks Ma I do pretty well most times and keep a lot of swear words to myself! Tonight I had told her I wanted her in bed by nine, lights out by half past, gave her quite a few reminders, went in at 9 to find she had half the contents of her bedroom on her bed! I told her I was expecting her to be in bed by now and was met with a huffy/rude "I'M CLEARING THE STUFF OFF MY BED!". I told her, that as she obviously was not capable of time management, I'd have to insist on an earlier bedtime. Eventually, half an hour late, she came to say good night but then got a strop on when I said "Right, off to bed then" (in a reasonably light manner) and she decided to take that as I wasn't going to give her a goodnight kiss. "WELL, GOODNIGHT TO YOU TOO!!" Stomp, stomp. Me, quietly, "well you've made a mistake tonight" and she came back in for round two. I wouldn't rise to it and told her to just go to bed (calmly). But, inside, it makes you soooo mad! Sorry, rant over, and breeeeathe! wink

MrD This time last year, I had had a dry spell before Christmas then failed when the festivities arrived - and didn't even try to call a halt to the madness until the middle of last October. 11 months of feeling hopless and helpless. This year, I am already on my second attempt and I see that as an improvement, I have more hope. You've addressed the problem, got 9 days under your belt and know how good it can feel when you have days without alcohol. Most (or all) of us on here didn't manage to give up the first time, but we keep trying. That's the important thing. Keep on keeping on. x

Hi to Koti sorry you are still struggling. Hope tomorrow is better and you are less dozy for you. x

aliasjoey Fri 11-Jan-13 22:47:45

ma so now you are not only a shining beacon of sobriety and the leader of the Boot Camp, now you are the expert on teenage girls?! please come round and sort out my DD, she is only 10, but everything you've said already applies hmm

<<pokes tired head in>>

Just briefly as I'm knackered. Had the two small glasses of red I'd planned and a sip of DP's port. I'm pleased with that and that I didn't want more, especially as I've agreed to go up to xDP's house tomorrow for eight fucking thirty to wait in all morning for some deliveries to arrive. [mug emoticon] DD is not going to be impressed when I wake her at just after 7am for a 45 min drive to a cold empty house! hmm Still, she's thrilled to be seeing her dad later, as he's working away at the mo.

Soma so glad it went well with DD xxx

Purple dating is a minefield, isn't it, and I think we've imported the whole American concept too... dates, are we 'exclusive' yet, etc etc. I met DP on a dating website and we've been together coming up 8 years, so I can vouch that it does sometimes pay off. smile

Hope everyone's feeling better for having made it through a sober night. I can tell youmthat my couple of glasses wasn't exciting. It was pleasant, but if you're craving the excitement then you'd need a lot more booze than that, so don't kid yourself that a couple of glasses would do because it wouldn't. So the choice if you're bored is either to drink enough to really alter your state of mind (which is certainly enough to make you feel rough the next day), or find something else to do. wink

Night Brave Babes xx

guggenheim Sat 12-Jan-13 00:04:49

Right well you can stop oiling that squid for a start!

I did a night out with my drinking friends and this time I stayed sober. But I had a long,hard look at the bottle of sparkly stuff as I sipped my mint tea. Some of my friends were a bit tiddly and they were fine, just a bit silly I suppose. I get stupid very quickly so, not drinking is by far the best option for me.

I did have a moment when I realised that I was the most sober person in the room and that I was following all of the conversation.Yeah, I feel good about that.Funny, I don't feel boingy at all. Maybe I will in the morning though.

Night babes

Just checking in very quickly (falling asleep).

End of day 2 for me, thank you for everything babes.

Sleep well.

Morning brave babes, hope everyone managed ok last night or comfy in the side car. I went to visit a friend & was determined not to drink. My friend said "why not bus it over" or you could leave your car? Or your welcome to stay? Then showed me lovely bottle of champagne we could share! I would definitely have caved a few months ago but stayed strong & we had a nice night, a catch up & Chinese & I've woke up with no hangover. Day 8 for me & determined to have a dry January. Think I've been stuck in a depressed rut with drinking wine Friday & Saturday nights out of sheer habit then feeling awful, shit mum all weekend. Starting to feel like a fog is lifting & starting to realise that life has things in it to look forward to. Have not felt like there has been much to look forward to for the last 18 months.

soma & purple & all other poor babes who are negotiating the difficult path that is teenage daughters I so feel your pain. My dd is going to be 14 in April & I think since she turned 13 I lost my lovely, good girl overnight. She is lovely & charming to all others apart from me & dh. I'm taking comfort from what was said earlier (sorry can't remember who) about the fact that she will get better. I just hope I manage not to kill her first! sad

smellslike hope your feeling ok today, and hope if not you can go easy on yourself. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate just now

Boot camp going well, I've lost 3 lbs! (altho not weighed this morning & had Chinese last night sad )

Wishing all babes a good day smile xx

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 08:55:57

Morning Babes Just checking in.

<waves to busy, busy Mouse and hopes the Mouse House is well, calm and happy and that Mouse is getting some rest, at least>

Well done Guggs for your strength last night! Sometimes I find those situations easy-ish and others - almost impossible. Don't you get tired quicker if you don't drink? I just want to go home early sad. Hoping your feel 'boingy' about your achievement this morning - you should!

Thanks for the good news about you and your DP Mia It's nice to know it works sometimes. The TV ad says 'one in five' new relationships are now forged on-line. I've 'known' TF for about 8 weeks now - but only one date as yet (lots of phone calls, texts and e-mails) so the 'exclusiveness' question doesn't come into it yet. I'm hopeful though..... And I soo know what you mean about the 2 glasses thing. It seems like a good compromise but it's just not enough once you start. Good for you, stopping at two.

Bad night sleep for me and the wine dreams re-emerged. More sneaky, underhand work of the Wine Witch. Now I know they are 'normal' they don't bother me. Day 2 sober - under my belt and 2lb disappeared from - under my belt! smile Small steps but steps, nonetheless.

LRD You and me, Day 3 buddies! Let's don our Big Pants, pull them up under our armpits and hurtle into the day with strong resolve to repel WW at all borders! Standing by with the (now 'oiled'!) squid should anyone, including me, need it. [grins]

Have a good day Babes

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 09:01:39

Thanks Clutter and well done you for last night! Champagne is so hard to resist (for me - as I've proved!). My DD goes from helpful, kind and I'm able to have a sensible conversation with her to stroppy, unreasonable and hurtful in the blink of an eye! It's such hard work! Like your DD, she's lovely with everyone else so, I suppose, that's something to be proud of. Deep sigh. xxx

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 09:45:50

Mia well done on stopping at two but you're so right - if you want the excitement/altered state of mind that alcohol can provide, you need to drink enough to make you feel crap/guilty/fed-up the next day. Gugg and Clutter have a lovely hangover-free Saturday - just think how different it would be if you'd drunk last night.

Woken by a call from my mum this morning. My poor brother who lives with my parents (he's 53 sad) has always suffered from depression but is in the grip of something so awful right now that he can barely speak. He told me just now that he "doesn't want to be conscious" and "feels like he's disappearing". Told mum to get a doctor round as he needs urgent medical help. Will probably drive down and see if I can be of any help. Catch you later.

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 09:52:08

That's awful Soma. I hope he gets some respite from this soon. You take care of you, too, and try not to let this turn your head towards WW. Hugs Sweet. x

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 10:19:32

I have been lurking here for a while now, and was wondering if I can ask for a space in the side car. I really should try to get on the bus, but realistically, I can't imagine that to happen any time soon.
I've never had a sensible relationship with alcohol, but in the last couple of years, I've really slipped into bad habits. I've managed to remain highly functional as a professional and somewhat functional as a parent, but lately my drinking has really started to make a mark on my life. One bottle of wine on week nights, twice that on the weekend. I have a stressful job and a monster commute, and Saturdays, I'd be lying on the sofa recovering from that and my horrible hangover, unable to properly engage with DC, who, let's face it, suffer.
Last week, inspired by reading here, I called it quits (after serious, unreasonable overindulgence in pretty much the whole of December). I spent a week without booze. Oh my god, the difference was amazing. My crippling depression - gone. My feelings of self hate, my lack of self worth - gone. I was energised at work, and managed to spend quality time with DC in the evening. I slept like a baby (not having slept longer than 4 am unless totally knocked out by alcohol for 18 months). All these silly, intense but thoroughly negative emotions I had disappeared. It became a non-brainer for me, I've got to ditch it for a good while, before I can slowly begin to think about controlled drinking (I can't envisage life totally without, mainly due to the company I'm keeping).
I was full of enthusiasm. Read here, several times a day, which helped keeping me on the straight and narrow.Then came Friday. Already on the train home from work, I knew that I will drink. So I did. At least a bottle.
The hangover wasn't as bad as usual, probably because of the abstinence period. I have now come to the decision that I accept to cave in on Friday, if needs to be, but no other day of the week, which I think I can manage. There's too much at stake - DC, work, health, looks (I got puffed up and red in the face at the end, not great.
I hope you'll have me anyway. I enjoy your company and I find you all inspiring. I'm quite lonely in RL (which is probably my main trigger other than stress) I have a lovely family, but not much in terms of friends, so I could do with the company!
Sorry for the novel!

greeneyed Sat 12-Jan-13 10:29:49

You are more tham welcome needsa well done on taking action, what are your plans to keep away from thw wine today. Do you have any in the house? If so can you take it to the car, garage etc. Anywhere it will be a bit more inconvenient to get to. What will you do this evening instead?

Hugs soma how awful for your db too feel so sad & helpless. Must be so hard for your dm to see her son in such a bad way. Agree that he needs to see a GP or psychiatric services asap ((( ))) Welcome needsa I so understand that fog of depression, since I have cut back, cut out wine for the first time in 18 months I am starting to feel that fog lifting. Do you have a strategy for today to help you not drink today, tonight? Sending positive vibes & hugs to you (( )) smile

Tigerinthegrass Sat 12-Jan-13 10:43:52

Hi needsa your story is so similar to us all. Well done on your week off. I always found Fridays the worse but I have to drive early sat morning so now sat night is my downfall. I'm hoping for a dry jan (12 days today) but will prob try limit to one night a week after that. It's amazing how quickly you start to like yourself again isint it, a few days off and you feel so much healthier and stronger.

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 10:44:00

Thanks Purple, my parents are taking him to hospital so at least he'll be seen. Will do my best to fend off WW! What are you doing today?

You're welcome with open arms Needsa. Your story is very similar to my own and right now I'm trying to remain sober but about once every 2 weeks I just need a drink so bad, I have a bottle of wine. The bus keeps me on track and like you say, the company is wonderful.

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 10:50:36

Thanks Clutter yes awful for my mum and my dad has depression too! Families eh?

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 10:53:43

Welcome to the bus needs. When I joined I was nearly up to a bottle a night, for no good reason really, just 'relaxing in the evening'. I decided to cut down and found it really hard. I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it and would be stuck with slowly drinking myself to death.

But the bus gave me loads of strategies to get through those difficult trigger times and avoid picking up the first drink. Because the first one is the only one we have to avoid right?

I stopped drinking on Monday evenings. Then, when I was used to that I stopped drinking on Tuesdays too. Two whole alcohol free days a week!

Then after a while I added Wednesdays and you can see where this is going smile.

Fridays and Saturdays were the hardest to cut out for obvious reasons. But one week I just decided to go for it and it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it was going to be.

So, one day at a time, just cut back whatever you can and see if that helps.

Get in a stock of lovely alternative drinks. I like lime & soda with ice and a slice of lemon. Or peppermint and licorice tea. Or hot chocolate for a sweet fix. Get some sweet treats in too to replace the sugar you're not getting from alcohol. Eat well, nourish your body and rest when you can.

When the trigger time rolls around, plan, plan, plan to do something else instead. It will pass and every single day that you don't drink will be a massive boost to your self esteem and a great health boost to your body.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Jan-13 11:11:14

Guggs and Clutter well done! Just shows what we can do when we are determined to do it. You should feel very proud of yourselves this morning. And no hangovers, yay smile

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 11:17:25

welcome needs you will find loads of support and advice on here!

well done clutter on avoiding the champagne

day 8. I will not be drinking today. have now managed 4 times at my in-laws sober (a year ago I wouldn't have thought it possible to do ONE!) and it's never as bad as I expect it to be.

I can do controlled drinking at home, but at the PILs I becomes demanding and obnoxious grin and always regret it!

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 13:11:05

Hi everybody and thank you for your kind welcome smile. It feels good to be here! As for tonight, we have plenty of wine in the house, and always will have - DH likes it and refuses not to buy it. Only concession he sometimes makes is buying stuff I don't like quite so much. So it's all down to my own willpower, I'm afraid. And he's having his friend round tonight which is likely going to go on all night and get quite boozy. Normally, I'd join in, but I've excused myself today (it's not a formal thing, and won't be seen as rude), and made plans to watch a movie with my DD. After that, I'll be here!
I think I'll be ok. I have a smallish hangover today, but because I've not had one for a week, I'm much more conscious about it, and it annoys me. I know I'd have much more energy to dedicate to my well deserving DC if I hadn't, and that's my main motivator for tonight.

jesuswhatnext Sat 12-Jan-13 13:54:34

needsa - your first post described me pretty well! grin - i dont know how i did it! life was totally exhausting sad i was taking anti-ds for a very long time, pretty much the first thing i felt was the fog lifting, a huge weight lifting from my thoughts, it was a wonderful feeling to actually feel again after all those years - am now menopausal with all that entails, feeling the old 'empty nest' thing now my only child is well and truely married and living a couple hundred miles away - i have no doubt that i would have had to stay on the pills and possibly even increase the dosage had i carried on in the way i was - life is so much more interesting now, i have so much more time, for friends, hobbies (extra work hmm) i love pottering all summer in the garden, not just looking at the weeds with a glass in my hand and wondering why my garden dosent look like nextdoors - sorry, am rambling now blush i'm just trying to say 'keep at it'!! keep fighting it, it gets easier, its gets better! being sober dosent make all the shit in life disappear, it just makes it all so much easier to deal with!

love to all, im off to a party tonight! grin grin see you all soon!

L XXXX

Hello all and welcome needs so sorry soba I hope all works out ok - depression is so hideous sad clutter guggs purple alias faire mia mouse green. I bet I've missed some people out -sorry,keep scrolling up and and down grin Needless to say everyone how are you all doing??? I had my second great nights sleep and woke at about six with dd Molly saying 'get that cat OFF my bed' grin. We settled him down and I went back to bed, but feeling so well. I just went back to sleep because I wanted to, not because I felt so ill I couldn;t move. It's a great feeling. Went to Tescos (the excitement!!!) to get some passport photos done for Molly, and have just pottered about tidying and reading. She has a friend over for the night - I have informed dh of my intention to go swimming at around 8pm grin . I hope everyone has a good day. No snow here but it's f f f f f freezing!

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 14:05:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouseface Sat 12-Jan-13 14:16:50

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Sorry not to read back properly or for being here....

Welcome to the new Babes, Smells (I want to call you something else, would Teeny be okay? I doubt you smell at all! grin) very and Space and hello again to LRD, Horse and Huey.

Here is my life from the last few years, in relation to drinking. It's a VERY long post and I hope that those of you who read it, will understand why I am posting it. It's not for sympathy, it's because I hope that some of you will find it helpful and will be able to relate to it, and if you want to, get to where I am today. So, here goes.................. <gulp>

The Past.

My background is one of self abuse from a very young age. Alcohol played a HUGE part in my life from the word go. My mother drank lots, my father too although he wasn't around long, he left when I was two and my sister newborn, due to a terrible condition he suffered from, where his cock would fall into other women.

My mother would go out and come home drunk, the baby sitter used to let me drink some of his lager and I loved feeling all 'grown up', knowing that I was allowed to stay up whilst my younger sister was in bed. Thinking about it now, makes me feel a bit sick actually.

Years later my mother remarried, (I was nine years old), and he's the most wonderful man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I adore him now but at the time, I struggled to accept him taking my mother away from me and my sister, I liked it being just us. Even though she'd had 'boyfriends' in the past.

I hated school, and as I moved through the years I had a few close friends but preferred to have male friends, as I always found girls too bitchy and snide. I hated the cliquey groups and back stabbing that went on. I'd often come home and sneak a small glass of alcohol from the drinks cabinet.

Fast forward a few more years. I always drank in work when I worked in bars and restaurants because you could then. It was allowed and of course, the norm. You could be bought a drink and not put your tip in the pot as such. The money was yours so I bought alcohol.

I used to drink vodka. I mean LOADS. I was the last to leave a party, the first to arrive with a drink or three already inside me. Men soon became a stronger focus in my life, drinking, drugs, sex, clubs, more drugs, I have or had such an 'addictive personality' apparently. hmm

My life became a cycle of being cheated on, hit, abused, lied to, finished with, picked up and dropped again and again and each time, the booze became the sticking plaster, it got stronger and stronger, it was the bandage that held me together.

Of course my drinking got gradually worse, the extent to which I would drink worsened each time 'something' happened. I used drink for everything. Period pains, shitty relationships, crap day at work, promotions, weddings, funerals, loss of life, new lives. Every day I had a reason to drink. And slowly, DrinkO'Clock became earlier and earlier too. I couldn't wait to get that bottle open. The sooner my day was done, in terms of having not to drive or be anywhere, anything to anyone.

I could function perfectly well with half a litre of vodka inside me, soon 70cl over the course of the day if I felt that way out.

I met DD's father, it was a short lived relationship, we were friends first who ended up having sex in reality. I got pregnant to my absolute horror and surprise. He decided he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby which was fine with me so we went our separate ways.

Before then, when it all got too much, I'd pack and run. Run as fast as I could as far as I could. New job, flat, life. I had such a low opinion of myself but little did I know just how much my behaviour was affecting my family. My parents. sad

I'd tried to kill myself once. I cleaned my flat from top to bottom, unplugged all appliances, paid all my debts off, locked all of the doors, windows, not turned up for work and unplugged the phone, turned my mobile off. Finished all unfinished business. It was a rather loud cry for help as it turns out.

I really struggled not drinking and it took me weeks of weaning down gradually with the support of my GP at that point because of just how much I was consuming each day. But I wanted DD more than anything in my life. I'd never felt love like it even though I'd not even met her, I wanted her so very much as I'd be told I'd never have children easily due to my Endometriosis it would be near impossible without fertility treatment and even then there were no guarantees.

Life settled right down, I gave up my flat, got a full-time job (luckily the company employing me knew I was pregnant and that I would be leaving so gave me a temp role) and moved back in with my parents with their full support and love. Life was wonderful. I felt safe and wanted again for the first time since being around 14 years old, by that time I was 23.

Not long after DD was born, I met the most abuse man I have ever known. He did so much damage to me, to the person I had become since having DD. I've posted about him before, I've been a part of the 'We Believe You' rape campaign because of the things that happened, never mind putting DD through all of that.

After I got out of the relationship, that's when I started to use alcohol again to hide the shame, the guilt. The abuse and the terror that I felt. I was fragile and broken.

The silly thing is, that I have a million excuses as to why I drank like that, both before and after having DD.

My abusive past, Nemo being born with all of his Complex Special Needs even though DD was perfect when born, the guilt, the tangled feelings and emotions in my head spinning around as to why things had happened to me, DD being bullied at school and me not being able to 'be there', my own pain, my past relationships with men, my mother, my non existent natural father, myself, this bloody house was a fuck up from the start, the builders screwing us over, my marriage was in tatters because I blamed myself for Nemo not being as we'd expected him to be, regardless of extra scans and tests.

Everything was my fault and the ONLY thing that took the edge off, or softened the blow, soothed my soul was drinking until I couldn't rememberer anything.

When Nemo was in Neonates after being born, and we were told he had a life threatening heart condition as well as his other disabilities, I thought I'd turn to alcohol again. I didn't. I have no idea why, I just didn't want to.

The Mouse of old would have dived right in and blocked it all out, denied it had happened. You see the thing is, we'd had to fight bloody hard to get the house we're in (the builder selling it went bump the day after we'd exchanged contracts and demanded money we didn't have in place yet or was going to withdraw the sale even though we'd chose a school etc for DD.....)

Other things too, we'd say "well, this is happening because our baby will be healthy, it's our trade off with the Big Man upstairs" and the like. We always had a reason to justify why bad or seemingly unfair things happened to us. And the same could be said for the way I abused myself by using alcohol to stop hurting. To stop feeling anything. To numb myself to the outside world.

We'd waited so long to try again after the triplets died. I wasn't ready to risk it, DH was scared too, we were careful and looked after ourselves before trying to conceive. It happened at the first attempt whilst on holiday in Menorca! TMI grin

We'd treated ourself to a holiday, hoping that we'd conceive so it would be our last for a while. Little did we know just how long 'a while' would be but looking at the bigger picture, which I can now do, I'd trade a million holidays to keep Nemo in our lives. smile

The first time I went back to the OldMouse, was after a shitty day with Nemo not keeping any feed down. His reflux was awful, he was fractious, crying the whole time in pain with his tummy, he wasn't sleeping and I was having to feed him by syringe every 1.5 - 2 hours.

I'd had enough so got twated. Once, twice, and then more often. Every day started to look like the last. Lots to drink, pass out and get up to Nemo when he needed me. Pissed blush

I kept getting off my face and didn't give a shite. I was so scared of how angry I felt, how tired I was that I just didn't';t want to stop drinking until those feelings went away.

DH kind of went with it for a while, saw it as a blow out to the shitty hand we'd been dealt after hoping it wouldn't be the case and drank too but not to the extent that I did. Then one night I'd been sent to bed, yes, really, as I was so off my face. At the time Nemo was still in our bedroom (he stayed until he was 2.5!) and woke crying so I instinctively got up to him and went to get him when DH walked him taking him out of my arms.

I went fucking blue monkey nuts. I mean three shades of bat shit on his ass. I screamed at him to give me my son back. He told me to go to bed and took Nemo downstairs and refused to speak to me until I'd sobered up. Luckily, DD was out that night. Thank Jeff. I realised that I had come too close. Far too close to fucking up the most precious little boy in my life, our lives. I could have dropped him. Fallen with him in my arms, walked into anything and hit his head, I could have really hurt my own child. sad

I decided that it had to stop. I talked to DH about it who just laughed in my face sand said things like 'you're not an alcoholic, you're just tired, stressed out, under pressure etc, you need to sleep and get some rest is all. It's not like you drink at 9am in the park is it' hmm he didn't support me at all. I wanted to stop drinking the way I was. I didn't like who I was becoming.

I'd posted on another thread, and I was gently guided here by venus and the rest as they say is history. grin

I started to post and I think the first words were 'Can I ask a serious question, how much is too much?' and the rest as they say is history.

I was met with huge support and welcomes but I didn't want to stop, I just wanted to stop drinking the way that I was. I wanted to cut down and knew that I could even though MIFLAW told me I'd never do it and that he's never met a successful alcoholic who'd gone from 90+ units a week to controlled drinking.

I thought he was so arrogant at first, who the hell was he or anyone else to tell me I had to STOP drinking? If I wanted to drink, I'd drink. I'm an adult FFS......

I put up a fight. I stopped posting for a while. I fucked up, got pissed. Posted drunk, lied to myself and the thread about how much I was drinking and acknowledged that some male poster who might be called MIFLAW, at that moment in my life, was right. Maybe!

I hit my face on the bathroom floor on holiday with DD's friend there and had to lie, about how it had happened, that was 2 years back. I lied about amounts I drank, when I drank, what I drank and then I started to read back over the first thread again. And finally, it all started to sink in. I mean really sink in.

I had to stop for good for that one day. Just that day. It nearly killed me to sit there watching DH drink his wine that night. But I was determined that I wasn't who I wanted to be when I drank so I had to take action. I had to chose to live my life, not just exist in a funky fugg of blurred emotions and softened edges. As hard as it was going to be, I had to get off the merry-go-round as I wasn't merry in the right sense of the word any more.

DH didn't want me to go to AA. He said I could stop alone but that I was over reacting anyway. I actually decided to go and speak with my GP in he end and he gave me some antidepressants and also something better for the pain in my back. He said he'd only help me with my back pain if I stopped binge drinking because of the affects the two would have on me and he was right. Of course. He monitored me closely, I had a LFT and it came back with reduced levels of Albumin and increased levels of AST/ALT which indicated alcohol abuse. My GP pulled no punches and told me to pack it in or else I would run the risk of liver disease and cirrhosis.

Taking note of other people's posts too. Really taking note and take a real interest. That was enough for me to stop doing what I was it was the top up from the night that DH had taken Nemo from me from me for my own good,

The Present.

Currently, I will have the odd glass of wine but it tends to be red as I know that white wine goes down far to easily for me. I drink it like water. So, that tends to be avoided. I like to have a pint with a packet of crisps with DH, DD and Nemo if we go for a weekend walk somewhere, just the one and that tends to lead to night in these days, years ago it was different, it would be two or more pints, DH would drive or we'd walk and he'd only have the one if at all. I'd always have to have that little bit more, that one last drink.

I'll have fizz or cava when we have date nights and maybe some red (125ml small wine glass that I bought!) with that too but I honestly cba most of the time. I hate getting pissed and feeling out of control. It scares me to think how much I used to love it. I hate not knowing or remembering what I'd done the night before too. I'm a control freak and not knowing what happened, when and why is just so alien to me now......

I hate being drunk and I hate others around me being drunk too now. My change in drinking has even lead DH to cut down and he never gets wasted with me now, only the odd night out or away with his mates which suits me just fine.

So now, it's what I fancy, but only a measured amount, for example, if I want a G&T, I'd get the ready made Gordon's in a tin so that it wasn't a home measure, we all know how much they are din't we ladies?

The Future.

One Day At A Time.

PS - thank you for reading if you got this far. Sorry for the typos, and I'm going out soon so not ignoring any replies.

Mouse xxxxxxx

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 14:20:29

Holly yes it's lovely to wake up and not shudder inwardly and simply revel in feeling normal MonsterCat seems to have really got his feet under the table smile Kot thanks for asking after DB. We've been told to get an urgent referral to secondary care on Monday - the GP has always tried to fob him off - and get him some decent care. Do you mind me asking how you got over your depression - was it a mixture of meds and therapy?

Lovely to hear from you JWN, thanks for keeping an eye on us. Hoping to stay off the sauce today, DD is in bed ill (has all the signs of the norovirus) and would hate to breathe fumes all over her.

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 14:21:13

Mouse, am settling down with a cup of coffee to read your post. Thanks so much.

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 14:27:54

Hi Needs and welcome! You've come to the right place. It's a shame your DH isn't supportive of your efforts to control you alcohol intake. Is there a reason for that? Maybe he's feeling a tad guilty about the amount he drinks. Sorry if I'm talking out of my hat but - support from him would make a big impact IMHO. Good luck for tonight. Great advice there from you Faire

East You've found your 'boing'! Well done! Stay warm.

Jesus Your comment about the garden made me smile. That was me last summer. I grew to hate the grass as the feckin' stuff just KEPT growing and keeping up with it was beyond me. Resorted to paying DD to do it. blush Hoping to rediscover my green fingers for this summer.

Good luck with tonight Joey my Lovely. I understand the stress PILs can put on you. x

Soma Hope it's going OK for you, your DP and DB. So glad (for him) that he has people around who care enough to get him proper help. Stay strong Lovely. Thinking of you.

My day started with me being in a really foul mood - I even checked the calendar to see if Aunt Flo was due - she's not. Wine seemed to be the only remedy for my awful mood. Had to face trainer shopping with DD! So, grummped my way all the way into town, car park closed, my mood worsened then found a parking slot right outside Sports Direct smile - found the Hi Tops she wanted (and I approved of - shock horror!) straight away AND they were reduced AND found some Ugg type boots for her that were reduced too! grin So, just for a while, I'm really popular with her. My mood lifted quite a bit after that. Supermarket shopping done, no wine bought, lots of salad purchased. smile

I'm dreading next week as the job centre are sending me on a course about job hunting. Deep, deep sigh! 4 hours a day, four days a week for 4 friggin' weeks!! I so do not want to go. We will (apparently) be learning letter writing (I was an exec PA before DC!), application forms (!), CV writing, mock interviews (I used to interview candidates for jobs!), confidence building and job searching!! I know I should look at it in a positive way, and I'm so trying not to be a snob about it all, but I'm really struggling to do that! Moan, moan, me, me!! Sorry!

Off to treat myself to a glass of Coke. xxxxxx

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 14:32:39

Hi Koti. Are you feeling better? x

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 15:13:50

thanks for posting that mouse it was very brave to write down all of that

I've promised myself that I can have a drink tomorrow if I don't drink tonight. ( I know using wine as a reward is wrong...) but actually, I didn't buy any, so if I do want some will have to go and get it tomorrow. but not thinking about that now, One Day At a Time. yes my MIL is hard work when I'm sober, but I don't like the person I become around her when drunk. at home I can limit my total, but in someone else's house I turn into a demanding argumentative idiot. blush

still trying to convince myself - this is hard!

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 15:27:02

Hugs, Brave Mouse, huge hugs. xxxxx

Go mouse such a strong and amazing person thanks My story isn't dissimilar - I 'blame' my drinking on lots of things that happened. i had 30+ operations as a child which were grim, my dad died when I was 2 ( and has never been mentioned by mother again - not properly)and my mother is the oddest character. I guess it was all about 'escaping' the past sad addictive personality - oh yes, I also had a ridiculous addiction to speed, which somehow I just stopped, but the alcohol is a killer. I have tried to moderate but really don't know...I may have a drink in feb, bit scared about it though as it always end up building sad Still, TODAY I'm sober, and TOMORROW I will be grin

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 15:35:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guggenheim Sat 12-Jan-13 16:21:34

Thank you mouse thanks

What a great post. I really value what you say, it gives the newly sober lots to reflect on. I hope you are proud of achieving sobriety. I wonder if it was hard to write that post because you have been so very honest? I've been thinking long and hard in the past few days about all the excuses I've used to drink.
Well I hope I can follow your example. Have a great weekend. x

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 17:01:42

Thank you all for your advice and for listening thanks.
Jesus your post struck some chords with me, and the garden thing made me laugh. I know just what you mean. I used to lie in bed thinking about the wonderful things I could do with DC and the house and garden, knowing full well that the total inertia I was in would stop me from doing anything at all and I should be lucky if I got up at all (on weekends. I always managed to go to work during the week, though no idea how). During the last couple of months, I was so depressed, I didn't even bother showering on some days - would have a bath Thursday night and then feel relieved that I didn't have to take another shower until Monday morning. I didn't feel that AD were an option - I was put on setraline at some point, and it made me all antsy and wanting to drink more!
Purple regarding my DH not being supportive: He used to think that I don't really have a problem (he has since started to realise I might), and always suggests really helpful things like, just have the one, and stop. Gah. He's quite impatient that I can't do that and sees it at weakness. He likes his drink (I guess one could call his drinking problematic, too, even though he never ends up anywhere near as trashed as me), claims he works hard and therefore deserves it. It's a bit of a problem, because getting pissed together is what we do, it's how we spend our weekend nights (he is far more controlled during the week, has two glasses and that's it). I don't know why it has taken him so long to realise that my drinking is a disaster. I've done horrible things when drunk. I nearly died in a booze-induced accident last year, and this is no exaggeration - it's sheer luck I'm still here. And it was witnessed by DC. Does it get much worse than that?
My main triggers for drinking in the last 2 years were work (had to make a big change, was scared and anxious) and a person I had a very long, very abusive non-relationship with (nearly 10 years, before I met DH), who set foot in my life again and started to manipulate and demean me long-distance, which I allowed to happen. It was disguised as friendship, and it took me until Christmas to realise what was up. I ended all contact, which is what gave me the resolve to stop drinking. I couldn't have combined his presence in my life with sobriety. I know this might sound odd, but I guess we all have toxic people in our lives, the friendship angle and some misguided sense of loyalty made me believe I was indebted to tolerate him in my life. I was very wrong about that, but then again, I was always too drunk to make rational decisions and just numbed the pain it caused with more booze.
Mouse thank you for posting all that, you've had such a bad time, but what you write about the presence and the future sounds so positive.

determinedma Sat 12-Jan-13 17:38:23

mouse a very honest post. I have never, and will never, forget your dreadful post on the abusive relationships thread.raw honesty there and you are one survivor girl!
A fairly dull day, did housework, walked 3 miles, on the lime and soda.
Nothing thrilling.

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 17:44:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 17:46:04

am hiding upstairs 'having a nap' : only so much daily mail drivel from my MIL I can take before giving in to the wine...

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 17:48:39

3 miles?! ma you're brilliant! I've managed to walk up the stairs, and I'm having a lie-down!

SobaSoma Sat 12-Jan-13 18:01:48

Thank you for your post Mouse. You've overcome so many adversities and I can tell you'll always be able to handle whatever life throws at you now, without the booze.

Purple I can understand you'd rather stick pins in your eyes than go on that course but who knows you might have a laugh and meet some nice people who are in the same boat as you. What work are you looking for? I got a job nearly 3 years ago which I was hugely over-qualified for (GP practice administrator), but I've managed to expand the role and am really happy there. Ma my day has been completely without thrills too but because I didn't give in to the WW earlier I feel quite content. My danger time is over now but I would guess that it's just starting for some babes so try and stay strong and use every resource you have to get through it.

I have two over excited 7 years olds chasing the poor cat around filming him and a 12 year old boy is soooo past even communicating with little girls and trying to watxh Top Sodding Gear AGAIN!! ... Off swimming soon grin

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 18:25:21

if I can just hide up here until we start eating dinner... it's the waiting around/being offered sherry/ listening to MILs spouting nonsense about Jimmy savile that drives me crazy.

they must think I'm terribly rude - I just disappeared!

determinedma Sat 12-Jan-13 18:30:02

Witching hour now.
Mind you, couldn't rustle up enough for wine even if I tried, am so skint. god knows where I'm going to find petrol for the week.
I'm craving sweets. Could murder skittles or opal fruits... <sneaks up on alias and peers in her handbag>

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 19:35:01

I have eaten a huge meal, am drinking soda and lime (thanks for the suggestion) and am feeling fairly untempted for now. This may change once DC is in bed and the drinking commences in the room next door...but all good for now.

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 19:42:01

To be totally honest Soma I don't really want a job. I want to be here for my three - the boys, especially, are really still quite vulnerable at the moment. Sometimes, looking after 3 children by myself is as much as I can manage right now. Apologies to those who are doing just that and managing OK and will by tutting right now. I know it sounds pathetic. I live in a small isolated village which is about 8 miles from the nearest town. The Job Centre have said I can limit my hours to school times (there are no childcare facilities in our village at all - no childminders or after school clubs) so a school job would fit the bill. They are, however, also pushing me to take an non-school, 20 hour per week, part-time job - which will leave me huge problems for the holidays and mine or the children's sick days (ExP won't take time off - ever!) I have applied for any/all of the jobs that have come up in DS's school (which IS local) but those jobs have hundreds of applicants from other mothers in my position. Just feel really down about it all. xx

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 19:54:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 19:59:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 20:10:34

Aaaw, thanks Koti, love you for that post! I feel a bit like I sound work-shy but I've spent 24+ years earning a wage and a further 10 not claiming any benefits at all. Like you said, they are pushing Mum's into work when the 18 - 24 year olds, who have never worked, can't get a job!

My hope was to finish my college course - Diploma in Photography (did one and a half years of a two year course) - then become a freelance photographer but the course turned out to be extremely art based (when I needed more practical knowledge), the DSS told me that I had to be available for work for 20 hpw as my youngest had had his 5th birthday and me being in full time education would mean I wasn't available for work, and lastly, the bottom has fallen out of the freelance photography business due to the proliferation of digital cameras.

I've researched working form home/own business but just can't seem to find anything suitable. Not sure I'm good enough to write for a living. So, hoop-jumping it is, for me!

PurpleWolfe Sat 12-Jan-13 20:12:46

from*

Evenin' All [showing age] It's really nice beginning to get to know a bit more about everyone.
Have been swimming - was fab. Best time of the week, nearly empty cos everyone else is out getting pissed! The two girls are in Molly's room watching a dvd on her friends portable dvd player shock Well, M is, friend is sort of having a good look round the bedroom! It's quite funny. DH and ds downstairs watching football and I'm up here with my tonic and lime preparing for CBB. blush I don't think I've felt this contended for quite a while. Tis strange. I hope everyone is having a peaceful evening.

guggenheim Sat 12-Jan-13 21:25:15

Evening babes

joey stay hidden. Do you have a book to read? I have to have a bit of space from the il's at times too. Fil actually believes the crap in the daily fail.Don't worry about what they think, your sanity is more important.

east what a good idea, swimming in the evening. I don't go much anymore since I can't afford gym fees but I could get my sorry arse on a bike and go for a swim once in a while.

purple That sucks sad It makes me cross on your behalf.<mutters darkly>
If it comes down to it then another couple of options are to run an after school club yourself- it sounds like there is a need for it, or to become a childminder. I've worked for an after school club and it was a lot of fun. My friend worked for the club a few evenings a week and her little boy attended when she was there. Promise I'm not telling you what to do, it just struck me that there is a call for childcare work where you are.

Hello there needsa and kotinka

determinedma Sat 12-Jan-13 21:26:06

purple that sounds rough.I hope you manage to get something.how old are dcs? I work full time and its OK now but was hard when Dcs were younger. Due to big age gap between dds and ds I once had one dd in high school, one in primary and ds in nursery - all starting and finishing at different times.bloody exhausting, no wonder I fell head first into a bottle of wine every evening.

JWN I do exactly that with my garden, have resorted to paying Gardner to cut & put weed killer down. I'm hoping if I can finally kick the ww into touch then this spring I can be out pottering about in my garden! mouse what a beautiful & brave post. I feel many, many similarities with your past experiences & I'm slowly learning that alcohol, drugs, good time friends are not my friends. Yet sobriety, good friends, family are the things that are important. My good time friends are not the ones who are there when my ds cry's at 6am & my day begins. You have had so much to deal with but yet you always look for the positives which is an amazing quality, go mouse
I went out for a meal with dh tonight & we are both having dry January. It was so so hard not to have a drink & I nearly ruined the whole night as I was actually pretty pissed off that I was there on a Saturday night & not having a few drinks. I could see loads of people around me drinking & felt really jealous. But I managed not to & do feel better now for it. Just off to bed. Night night all brave babes smile xx

Hello babes.

I've read your post, mouse - I feel pretty humbled by that. You are a very, very strong woman (but we knew that!).

purple - sorry to hear this, it sounds really crap.

needs - oh, your post rang some bells! Your DH sounds very like what mine was like a couple of years ago. I remember posting about it on here. Not that he was impatient with me but he really, really, really didn't get it. He'd constantly be telling me 'helpfully' to just have one and then no more. hmm

The thing is - if you're like us (I'm saying 'us' based on your post, because I think we're in the same boat, but excuse me if you think I'm being rude to assume that), it is a weakness we can't have 'just one'. It is something I just can't do, not consistently, not the way some people can. And I do firmly believe that whatever the reasons behind that (some kind of biological predisposition, whatever), it's something we're pretty much stuck with. It takes huge amounts of willpower for us to cope with something other people can do easily. That is a weakness.

But then, everyone has weaknesses. Your DH (and mine) - they're no exception. So I end up saying to DH, yes, this is something that I really struggle with. Yes, it is something that puzzles you and you think I ought to be able to do, because you can do it. But I can't. And that's just the way it is.

I don't think it is very nice to make you feel if you've got a weakness, you still have to keep trying and (most likely) failing.

Whew, end of sermon. blush

Anyway ... this is the end of Day 3 for me. Thank you, lovely babes. smile

determinedma Sat 12-Jan-13 21:58:10

End of day 12 apart from one glass.
Ho hum

mrdarceych Sat 12-Jan-13 22:00:45

Jesus... Nice to hear from you!! You are a GOD for starting this amazing thread!
Mouse... You are amazing too!
Me.. Im still sitting in the side car... Wish I wasnt but tomorrow is my last day of work for the foreseeable futuresad so tonight I am having a glass or 2 of red( please note. "Glass" as oppose to " bottles" which would normally be the norm! So, I have cut down (massivly") but am not quite back on the bus yet!
Next week I will have the delight of living with my parents again... Not looking forward to that one.. And on monday.. I WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 22:17:28

You are absolutely right, LRD, it is a weakness, and I definitely have it. I have no "off" button when it comes to drinking. I only stop on weekdays when it's time for bed (and I do adhere to that, because I need to be able to do my job and sleep badly enough as it is). On weekends, when I "relax", I stop drinking when I pass out. I call it "falling asleep", but let's face it, it's passing out. In social situations, I stop drinking when people refuse to let me have any more (bar staff, friends, etc). I'm actually a real disaster when it comes to social drinking, it has cost me plenty of friends, and those who have remained, try hard to avoid such situations because I'm a bloody liability. You know, when they have to call a taxi, and no cab driver will have me etc...I'm always without fail the most pissed, and I never know when to call it quits.
It's almost easier for me not to drink at all (which is NOT easy). When I do, it always ends the same way. I wish I could control it, but I don't think I'll ever be able to. You know when you watch TV and they show beautiful people on a summer's day with a glass of white wine looking happy and chatting, and you think to yourself, oh, that looks nice, I could do with such a lovely, crisp, cold drink now and look happy myself. Well wind on three hours later, and I'm in a heap somewhere, passed out, not beautiful, not happy, just pathetic. Not great.

aliasjoey Sat 12-Jan-13 22:33:25

did it! drank water instead of wine. had a cup of herbal tea. am now so tired, goodnight Brave Babes

<tucks warm blankets around everyone on the Bus>

need - oh, gosh. Yes, that all sounds familiar to me.

But - I think we can get thrugh it. And it was so much easier when I did finally get into the swing of properly not drinking. I am hoping so much to get back to that.

I know exactly what you mean about the TV thing. I end up saying to myself, 'why can't I do that' and pretending to myself that somehow the glass of wine in the lovely sparkly glass is just another part of a really nice picture, so all I'm doing when I want it, is thinking what a nice picture it makes. hmm

It's not so good.

Woo-hoo! Well done, joey! grin

Good for you.

kotinka Sat 12-Jan-13 22:50:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needsaspaceonthebus Sat 12-Jan-13 22:50:43

LRD, I think it's just a question of accepting one's own's limitations, and that people with this particular kind of weakness won't ever be part of this picture. In my case, I know it for a fact. I have been to lovely summer parties dressed in pretty clothes, with the sun shining down on me, happy, smiling, chatting and a nice glass of champagne in my hand - oh dear, you know where this is going...I'll just have to bite the bullet and drink sparkling water instead and stop telling myself that I'll be really boring for everyone around me. Boring only in the sense that they won't have that woman who couldn't hold a conversation/fell off her chair/made a total tit out of herself to talk about afterwards!