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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - New Year? So, Let's Go Up A Gear!(1000 Posts)
Hello, tis me, Mouse (normally Mouseface but I'm wearing my festive name )
Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, to a place of solace, support and sanctuary, if that's what you seek of course. It's also a Bus full of bloomin' chatterboxes, waffling on about life, love and all things from school reports to laundry!
The journey into 2013 is going to be an ass kicking one as we're moving up a gear to give the WineWitch a bloody good slapping, and the BoozeBeast a kick in the bollo.............
Some of us drink in moderation, some of us drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.
Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want.
We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT
Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes. The support on this Bus has kept me from ruining my life time and time again. The experiences of others shared here has helped me to change the way I see alcohol, the way I see what it does to me.
Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.
Everyone is welcome here so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hi. Post as much or as little as you like!
So, come say hi, grab a seat, an eggnog (non alcoholic of course ) and a mince pie, or chocolate chip cookie, and meet some lovely, genuine people who are just like YOU.
Also, HERE IS THE PREVIOUS THREAD with a link in the OP to the first ever thread, and the reason why after more than two and a half years, this thread is still here, supporting those in need.
soba I know how you feel with your daughter. I have been awful to my dd when drunk & then feel such shame. I'm so glad we can text as think sometimes that holds us together. You sound like you are being so strong & the fact your dd is texting to say she loves you must mean you are being a wonderful mum. It's so hard bringing up children. My dd is 13 & I feel as though I have entered a minefield! My ds who is 3 is incredibly hard work & I feel I wish his life away until a time when he is easier to manage. I feel having wine/cider/alcohol makes me forget for a while how hard it all is but then I pay for it tenfold the next day so never ever worth it! Good luck with your meeting
Soba help is a bit inadequate to describe AA.
It was the solution. It's not that things are easier in AA or that I got there quicker. It's the only reason I stopped and stayed stopped. I still go and cannot imagine not having the support.
Afternoon, tis me, Mouse
forrotor and clutter how spooky, my dd is 13 and the other is 2 - my DD is 14 in Feb and Nemo is 4 in May...... funny how you can let the elder one kind of get on with it when you're drinking, but your younger one needs you, much to your annoyance at times, well, if you're being very honest that is? It was for me at anyway
Welcome to Forrotor and Lost
Lost - I can't even motivate myself to get out of my jammies and have a wash - that's not unusual, and you're certainly not alone. You don't need to get dressed so your mind is telling you not to bother right now I guess? You've gone into CBA mode!
Why not set yourself small goals, little tasks, small, baby steps. In your own time. Write a list of two things you want to do today, or tomorrow. And then three and so on until you reach five tasks a day.
I'm not talking climbing Everest, I'm talking a shower. Dressing, shopping for food etc. The Basics xx
Purple - you are totally amazing. You have been through so much shit and yet you come back time and again to give the WineWitch a smack in the face each time she gets to you.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Why? Because you want to change. Maybe you don't want to be your mother? I hope that's no upset you, I'm a bit clunky with words, what I mean is that you wouldn't want to cause those you love any pain or hurt like that would you? IMO, her overdose was accidental or certainly made to look that way. As you said, she was a nurse and would have known a much more 'effective' way (sorry ) to end her life, than a double dose of Mogadon (SP?).
I know there are times when you could just stop it. Just put an end to the fight, an end to the pain YOU feel....... I hope you never do and I hope that you lean on us and those in RL who can and will support you the more that you let them.
I'm not saying you'll do it all today, or tomorrow but I bet when you read back to your very first posts in a few more weeks or a month or two, you'll wonder who it is you're reading about. I did. It shocked me.
You have our full and unconditional support, you know that don;t you? All the Babes here do. I'm so very sorry your mum left you at such a young age. I'd hate to think of what you went through when that happened, and I guess you still do at times. xxxx
Look at the you today though, you can't change what's happened but you CAN control what happens from here on in. You are worth the life you have, you just need to value it and yourself much, much more. Take good care xx
Soma - well done for getting to a meeting. That must have been so fricking hard, and hearing those words come from your DD's mouth. Your heart must be utterly breaking........ I'm so sorry. BUT you did something about it. You have to stop now. You have to stop now and stay stopped before any more damage is done and you know that. You've pretty much said so yourself. I think that you're putting yourself in her shoes.
Be brave Babe, stay and post. Let it out, the fear, the wobbles, the lot. LET IT OUT xx
Help - I'm glad you found a source to help you stop and stay stopped, I really am. Life is so much easier without the fugg of booze changing the view you see, the thoughts you think, the words you speak and hear.
Babes - please be gentle with yourselves, you get one chance at this; life. One. You maybe get one shot to be who you want to be, one shot to get where you want to get. BUT, those shots are sometimes short bursts that build into one big one and that happy ending you are hoping for. It's all in your control, all of it.
Some are long, winding journeys to get to where you want to be. Some are pieces that are gradually put together..... but the fact remains that you really only have one life and it's a precious one at that.
Purple what an awful lot you have to deal with on top of your own demons. At least you know the truth now, your mother was suffering but she didn't leave you, her death was accidental. Unfortunately I know myself that even the children we love so much can't keep us sober, it's an evil illness it really is.
I'm very glad I went to my meeting last night. I admitted out loud for the first time that I was alcoholic. I was crapping myself at speaking to be honest! Palms were sweating, I was nervous and looked at the floor but I done it, I said it out loud. I've been on this merry go round since may now, going to meetings then falling off the wagon, I've had enough. I need to do it the way AA suggests or it just won't work.
^They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one anothers throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And dont have any kids yourself.^
I love my two children dearly, I miss my triplet boys so very much, I often wonder what they'd be like now. And the others who never saw my face smiling down at them whilst I cradled them in my arms. Those who were planned and those who were not. (Long stories, far too upsetting for here and now)
BUT - I did get out as soon as I could, I left, got a job, car, house, and my independence. Not because of my parents, because of ME. I wanted to live my life under my rules. In my own time. In my own way. Do what I wanted.
Maybe if I'd have stayed longer, I'd have not fucked up as much as I did or put myself at risk so many times...... who knows? Did my parents split when I was 2 have something to do with my blue print? My father was shagging around, my mother drank.
All of my XPs have shagged around on me and I have drank. Or done drugs. I've been in very abusive relationships, and I've come out the other side as little bit smaller, a little bit quieter, a little bit smarter and stronger too.
Safe at last.
Loved at last.
But always with the tiny voice in the back of my mind that whispers 'What if DH leaves, what if it all becomes too much to cope with? My illness, Nemo, the shit that life throws our way. Will he leave me? Am I enough?'
That, I believe, is the aftermath of the abuse I have endured brought on by myself and by others. Life is precious but maybe Mr. Larkin has a point?
Sorry for the failed ^ not sure what happened there. And for the glib post.
I think I need to step back from the Netbook and perk up a bit!! xx
Kotinka- do you really have the time to be shopping around for a 'Kotinka shaped' solution?
And how successful is that?
I know I'm being blunt. But what you post worries me.
What's more important- your welfare, your children, your life itself, or your reputation and self image as an atheist? I can understand if you're Stephen Fry, but rejecting AA because you don't believe in God is a dangerous folly.
What I think really doesn't matter.
I'm just pointing out that you post about trying to control your drinking and feeling you've failed, and being unhappy. You also feel the only solution is not for you, and I'm encouraging you to reconsider.
mouse so sorry that you've had so much too cope with in your life. You sound like one amazing, brave, strong woman who has turned her life around for the better. I get what you mean that you can leave the older one to get on with it. Even when my dd was a little girl I could drink & let her get on with it as she was such a good little girl & when hungover I could put movies on for her & give her plates of food then go back to bed (what a lovely mummy) But my ds is a different kettle of fish, he needs me, craves me, wants me & if I'm hungover it's not a pleasant day for either of us. Do you still drink sometimes or are you completely sober? Well done for whatever way you manage. kotinka hope that your managing, sounds like things really stressful & difficult. Sounds bliss next year to just have Christmas whichever way would suit you
Re AA - I've never been nor wanted to go. Not even at the start. I dreaded the idea so much. Hated the thought of sharing face to face....... and the supposed religious side of it well, forget it, not my thing at all so Koti, I understand your points.
I have to say that my mindset has now changed. Not for me as such, but for others. The success stories on here thanks to AA have been great, life changing, amazing. Heart warming but also heart wrenching too.
Reading the emotion in the posts from those who have been, let everything out, unravelled years of pain, shame, hiding from themselves, what they have done to others to through drinking......
But I know I couldn't sit and share, or look anyone in the eye. However, I could probably now go to a meeting and just listen, not believe in the religious side, but maybe turn it around into my own version of a faith as such?
I can tell you all, here, who know me more than any room of strange alcoholics, absolutely everything about me and not bat an eyelid..... but until now, I couldn't do it in RL as such, in a meeting I mean.
Maybe because I can see past the religious stuff and see the faith in the people? The support? Does that make sense? I used to take Nemo to praise and play and say a prayer at the end of every session. He says at prayer at his C of E preschool. His favourite story is Noah and the Ark.....
I loved going to church as a child and listening to bible stories.... and yet I don't believe in God. Karma? yep, and boy, when I get my hands on him!
I believe in something, I guess I believe in human nature, support and kindness, the love others can give to make life seem okay for a while..... there's something isn't there? Something that we all have out there that makes us wonder 'why me?' or the like?
Clutter - I do drink, yes. But the difference is that I drink on my terms now. Does that make sense? I drink when I want to but I plan it. So, like tonight with it being our night (Saturday is like our date night ), we'll have a nice dinner, and maybe have a glass of wine (DH will have the wine, I'll have a cider or glass of cava or ready made can of G&T so no home measures) with the meal.
I'm not interested in getting shit faced. I hate how I feel the next day, plus, I am on so much morphine, ibuprofen, tylex and diazepam, that I can't and shouldn't drink really. If I do have more than the odd glass or two, you'll find me passed out.
Like others have said, I used to take that extra anti depressant, morphine pill or whatever to get an additional boost to the boozing. Not anymore. Not because I'm 'cured' but because I've finally realised that I don't like it. Or who I am when I drink too much, and by too much, I mean more than a glass or two. I like to be in control of what I do.
My past life, being out of control, not knowing where I am, who I'm with (years we're talking) has scared the shit out of me quite frankly.... I have more responsibilities. Have have people who need me and count on ME. I like that
I'm aggressive or giggly but there's no guarantee which version of me will appear. It's just not worth it. xx
Lots of heavy and honest stuff today.to change the tone just a little, I am now opening the January Boot camp for registration. There are three pre-camp challenges to be undertaken if you are seriously up for it. Today, for the first time ever I bought some scales. I have tried on lots of clothes which don't fit, I have done horrible Matt Roberts fitness test - struggled to even come in at level 1 - and worked out my BMI. So, today's challenge is to post here, online, honestly, THREE things: 1) your current weight
2) your BMI - use an online converter to do it for you
3) What you want to weight by June 30th, six months hence.
Here I go:
I weigh 12 stone 6/78kg
My BMI is 27 which is overweight
By June 30th I will weigh 11 stone.
Right, time for clothing and make up, don't want to scare the shoppers so best get myself together!
So CBA to go out in the rain and wind. BLOODY WEATHER!!!! I want cold and crisp, not wet and windy.
Be back later to talk some more about me
Stay Brave Babes xxxx
Where you are now with your drinking mouse is where I want to be and where you have been is definitely places I have been in the past and not so distant! I'm not feeling so bad that me & little ds not long bathed & dressed. Happy shopping
Like the post MA and the determination. I am definitely in!
10 stone 10 ounces / 68 kgs
BMI 26.6 Overweight
By June 30th 9 stone 10 ounces
Well done clutter am that your starting weight is below my target though!
Wonder who else is going to take the challenge?
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