Just found out my Mum died in 2008. We were estranged, and I thought she'd still be alive...

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Has anyone else experienced similar? I'm feeling quite awful. I last saw my Mum in 2003, when we had a massive argument. I had finally realised that the reason my life had been such a painful disaster (I was 31 at the time), was because of my atrocious childhood and the actions of my Mother. I confronted her over it and we had a massive argument. I left in a terrible state (she was eager to get rid of me) and over the next few days went in to meltdown and tried to kill myself. What followed was 3 years of psychotherapy and a very slow process of change.

I had a daughter 2 years ago, and becoming a Mother finally gave me a strong sense of self and a purpose in life. One week ago, I felt ready to make contact with my Mum again, pretty convinced she'd still be alive. I discovered she'd died in 2008 aged 64, from lung cancer. She had been living the life of a recluse in a caravan in a farmers field. I had seen this existence in 2003, but feel very sad for my Mum that she carried on living like that.

I feel so sorry for her that she didn't get to see me as she was dying. I'm feeling guilty and desperately sad for how she chose to live her life. I know that I wouldn't have been strong enough to see her before now, but the guilt is still there.

Anyone with a similar experience?

[Gunznroses]

Sorry for your loss.
To put things in perspective, ask yourself "what could i have done differently" ? it seems from what you've said that you did the best you could in the circumstances, of course its always sad when a parent dies, even more so that things couldn't be resolved between you before it happened, and i think this is where the greatest sadness comes from, what could have been, rather than the actual reality.

Do you have any siblings ?

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Thanks Gunz, yes, I have an older brother who hated me from the day I was born. Pathological sibling rivalry I think it's called. Haven't seen him in 10 years since he last assaulted me. From what of heard, he was with our Mum in the end, but It would be highly unlikely to get any correspondence going with him. And if he did speak to me he'd just use it as an opportunity to emotionally abuse me. There are no other relatives to speak of.

[armani]

I have been through this with the death of my dad. I hadn't seen him for 10 years + when I received a call to say he was very ill in hospital. I did go to see him but it was awful. He was so poorly and frail and I broke down. He died a few days later and I found it very hard to cope with. I was very confused and kept wondering what if?
Did he love me etc?

Sorry you are going through this, time is a great healer. Stay strong x

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Thank you armani. And you have my sympathy too x.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

I've known two people estranged from parents who had last-minute death-bed opportunities to talk before it was too late. Not sure they resolved anything but I know they're both glad they had the chance. I often see on here people saying to walk away, disengage and so on from appalling parents and I'm sure there are some for whom there is no choice but, as with your experience, it can still come at a cost. Hope you're OK

[chicaguapa]

What a sad story! I'm sure there'll be people who can offer good advice, but I just want to say that you shouldn't feel guilty for the choices your mum made. Your mum was an adult.

She chose to live in a caravan in a field.
She chose not to contact you when she knew she was dying. It's not like you knew and ignored it. If she was really horrible, she might even have known her actions would have left you feeling like you are now.

I know it's so easy to say, but we all have to make so many choices every day. We just simply can't bear the responsibility for other people's as well as our own.

If it offers any comfort, at least she was with someone when she died. And maybe you will be able to remember her in a better light than if you had managed to re-establish contact?

[Gunznroses]

I think what might help is if you have some "closure" to this. Are you religious at all ? if you are perhaps you could speak to your religious leader;Imam, reverend, who could pray with you and just have a no fuss closing ceremony on behalf of your mum with you and friends present, in a way to pay your last respects.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Sadly when people have a dysfunctional mother, it is very hard when they die as issues can never then be resolved. I really don't want to sound cold-hearted, but in a way they are as difficult in death as were in life. Why shouldn't they be, if you see what I mean.

Nothing but time will help you I am afraid, and one day your subconcious mind will sort it all out for you and you will see it for what it is. Try not to feel guilty it's not your fault.

Also, don't think for a moment that because a person is dying that all is resolved and forgiven - I know from experience that embittered people (I am not saying that your mother was) will not let things go one bit, in order to make the surviving person carry guilt. Terrible but true.

It will get better, but it will take time. Take care x

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Thank you everyone for your helpful words.

chicaguapa...you are right, she chose to live in that field and she made all the choices in her adult life too, there was never a dominant character around to influence her. Throughout my childhood, she made appalling choices and she actively chose to totally neglect me. I'm sure she was projecting her childhood on to me. But she must have seen the misery in me as a child, as there were no other people really in our lives to distract her. She ignored my suffering and didn't give me one single positive tool or skill to lead my life with. I began self harming at 12.

I know that if I had seen her before my daughter was born 2 years ago, I would have had a mental health set back. But she was still my Mum, and I have so much pity for her and sadness in how her life ended. I didn't want her to suffer but she did, and I do believe she would have wanted to see me (she didn't know where I was).

I just feel in her last weeks, she probably "FINALLY" realised what a disaster she had made of her life, and what a terrible Mother she had been. I do sense that clarity may have come to her. And for anyone, especially my Mum, to leave this world in that state is just heartbreaking.

[amillionyears]

I agree with chicaguapa, she had choices in her life.

But on the other hand, the best thing you can do is not to judge her.
It is a case of hate the sin, love the sinner.
Her behavior was very bad. Hate it as much as you want, for as long as you want.
But love the sinner. Love your mother.
You do not know how much she was able to control. Maybe most of it, maybe not.
So, as another poster says, some sort of service may help you get a little bit of closure.

[amillionyears]

At some point, you may feel emotionally strong enough to speak to your brother about what your mum was like at the end. But he may lie to you.
It is a shame there were not any other relatives around.

Perhaps you could talk to the vicar of her service?
Or some neighbours who may have know what she was like at the end of her life?
Assuming that asking these people, might help you in some way.

[theleanandhungrytype]

I feel so sorry for you. Just before christmas too. Why not really spoil your DC this xmas? I don't mean financially just really engage with them,

Poor you. I know that sounds trite, it is trite but I really do feel for you

[Bedtime1]

I haven't experienced this but I just wanted to say I'm so sad and sorry for how you feel.
It's sad she chose to live her life like that and it isn't your fault, keep trying to remind yourself why you had to cut contact and in all your therapy sessions the reasons why . You know why you had to cut contact .

I know it's still painful... It's very sad how she chose to cut the world out. Your not to blame .

[snowqueenrollo]

you say you feel that in her last weeks she may have had clarity about what a terrible mother she had been, what a disaster she made of her life.

Is that thought making you find this difficult? Do you have any solid reason to believe that she would have had such a change?

(i only say this because my grandmother, who was a terrible mother in so many ways, never repented her behaviour. Not even at the end. I thought maybe she would when faced with death but she didn't. It sounds awful to say but my Gran passed from this life with the same arrogant and abusive nature towards her family as she had maintained all her adult life)

[QueenofWhatever]

I agree with chicaguapa and amillionyears. I've been estranged from my Mum for over 15 years and have thought long and hard about the deathbed phone call or finding out she is dead. I'm fairly sure I would not want to resume contact.

Maybe not right away, but I think you need to carry up some sort of ritual for your mother's death. It sounds a bit woo but you need to mark her passing in a way that is meaningful to you. Not just for the mother who died but also for the mother you never had and needed.

[AutumnCameUponTheMidnightClear]

From what you have said, had you not walked away, there`s a stong possibility that you would not be here yourself. Instead, you have bravely clawed back a life, produced a child of your own, who will never face what you did. The past is another country. leave it there, and be the person you were always meant to be.

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Thank you everyone, I have found support in every message. I'm not a religious person so I won't be doing any form of ritual for her. What I do intend to do is to buy her a gravestone. When I visited her grave last monday, all that was there was a small wooden cross loosely placed in the ground, with her most recent surname on it. My mother was always changing her name(s), I want to have her birth surname and date of birth inscribed on a proper grave stone.

I guess the reason I think she might have had a massive wake up call before she died, was that she was capable of some empathy. Though my Mother couldn't feel empathy for humans (I used to describe her as a Myra Hindley type who just never met her Ian Brady...that sounds awful, I know) she did feel empathy for animals and loved nature, that's why she stayed in a field for so long.

But it's just good fortune that I'm still alive. When I tried to kill myself shortly after I last saw her in 2003, it was purely a miracle that I survived. She took me to that despair and by rights, she should have been grieving me, and not the other way round.

Staying in psychodynamic therapy for nearly 3 years was no easy feat, but I stayed there for a reason and there wasn't one session when I didn't have a painful childhood experience to talk about.

I need to remember that.

[Meringue33]

Sometimes it helps to write a letter to the person who has passed away, saying all you would have said. When ready, burn the letter and imagine it will reach them. (Sorry I know you said not religious, it's an idea and more about closure than a literal idea of the after life). Sounds like you have worked really hard to get where you are now, I applaud you. You can honour your journey in the way you parent now. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing your story xx

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

I have the greatest sympathy for you.

I think the gravestone is a good idea.

And maybe a donation or other helpful act towards an animal charity or a nature charity such as The Woodland Trust.Something that enables you to send positivity into the world for yourself but in symbolic remembrance of her?

I am also not religious but i believe in symbolic acts

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

I had a similar situation but not quite the same. I was estranged from my dad for a few years after we'd discovered he'd done something really unforgivable and wasn't safe around kids. He was also violent, aggressive, twisted, super controlling and an alcoholic, so we decided not to have him in our lives any more. My siblings decided at various points that they didn't want to see him either, and all our lives were better for it, without him shit stirring between us, emotionally blackmailing us, controlling and verbally abusing us, lusting after his dil's and gc's etc.

Anyway so last year he got in touch with one of my siblings, said he was terminally ill. Two of my siblings were in touch with him (no kids involved) and "did their duty" towards him as they saw it. Me and one other sibling couldn't face it. So I can tell you what happened from both sides.

Those who were with him in the last few months said he hadn't changed like he pretended to, he still got verbally abusive and even tried to start a fight in the hospital/hospice he was in! It was harrowing for them, watching the strong terrifying man he had been turn frail and small, he died after a few months and it was all very upsetting for my siblings. I cried too but I never for a minute regret not getting in touch. I'm a very soft person, damaged by him. I knew if I spoke to him and saw him ill I'd end up hugging him, apologising for not being in touch, offering to look after him or clean his house. Then it would have been "so do I get to see my grandchildren?" - no fucking way would that have happened. He was into little girls.

You don't know for certain that she changed. She may have done, or she may have been exactly as you remembered but hardened by bitterness for all you know. Try not to be hard on yourself for not attempting to find her earlier. Like you said, you weren't ready. Did she try to find you at all?

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Thank you for sharing "Jamesandthegiantbanana". Your story is sickening, and you have my greatest sympathy.

My mother wasn't able to find me. My mother had always lived the life of a recluse. She did not stay in contact with any of her relatives, and she never had any long term friends, so when I walked away from her she had no way of contacting me. I guess in desperation she could have contacted a private investigator who would have been able to trace me through my National Insurance number, but she didn't think logically like that. She was always incapable of rational, logical thoughts.

Thank you MERINGUE, I did leave a short letter on her grave.

JAMIE- Thats a good idea. I will donate in the future to a charity my Mum would have liked.

Thank you everyone.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

My DH is estranged from his mother. Its an interesting phrase 'pathological sibling rivalry'. His Bil attempted to kill me and blackmailed DH, threatening his career and our children. The police were fantastic, they were witnesses to his death threats, some made directly to them. It all got messy and Mil made it worse by trying to make everything about her.

DH has had lots of therapy, he suffers from health anxiety and depression. Since distancing himself he's become much better, more receptive to treatment and therapy. So much went on in their childhoods which can never be resolved.

Mil apparently had an ambulance outside her house a while ago so we had the talk about the future and what ifs. DH doesn't feel he can ever have contact again. I don't know if he'll regret it down the line. His therapist doesn't think she'll/ he'll change.

I want to provoke the good memories of his childhood and enable him to remember some of the positives of both his parents, dad is dead. I don't think she will change. She is a manipulative, bullying abuser. She has covered up violent, aggressive crimes of one of her sons. She plays the victim but is the facilitator and funds his drugs enabling his behaviour.

When she dies i hope that DH can put her to rest and behave honourably as you are. A headstone is a lovely gesture. I hope that there are some things, however small, that are positive you are able to pass on to your DD about her grandmother.

Congratulations on your DD.

I don't think people suddenly change because they're dying.

You are an honourable person, behaving well towards a women who for whatever reason didn't fulfil her moral obligations to you. Please don't dwell on regret. Go on to live a wonderful life being one step further away from the trauma of the past.

[Cabrinha]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

FWIW, I think it's very unlikely that people have sudden clarity in these situations. It's compelling, it sounds so neat that when faced with death, they'd suddenly realise how they had fucked up and what they now should do.

Reality, just knowing you're dying doesn't have the same effect as years of therapy. I really expect most people just get more entrenched and bitter, and self serving.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Agree with cabrinha above. Sorry you're going through this op, you have a lot of thinking to do but I hope you come out of the other end feeling a sense of peace about it all.

[Dottiespots]

Hi....really sorry for how you are feeling and for the loss of your Mum. I hadnt seen my parents for 21 years. I had tried contacting them but they chose to close the door. Like you I had a crap childhood as far as being parented was concerned and also had therapy after a bit of a breakdown which led me to understand that my childhood had not been good but it was up to me to make my life good from that moment on. It hurt that they didnt try and contact me and didnt seem to care. I am an only child with no other relatives that I know as I grew up in Australia.There was a time in my life eight years ago when I really really needed them but try as I might I could not trace them. In my mind my parents were dead to me and that one day I would probably have someone calling at the door to tell me that they were dead and I had decided that I would face that when it happened. But what a shock....my parents contacted me 2 months ago to say that they were here in the Uk just up the road and wanted to see me. Well I really lost it and couldnt deal with it at first and refused to see them after all the heartache and the crap childhood and would have been happy to have just left it that way. But my mother sent me an email from the hotel to say that this will be the last time they will be able to travel out of Australia and the purpose of their visit is solely to see me. She said that she was so pleased to have found me and so very sad that I wouldnt see her but she said she will always love me and will keep my email address. Well.....at that I broke down and contacted her immediately cause i presumed she was seriously ill and decided that I had to see her. I phoned her and she was so pleased to hear my voice and we chatted as though nothing had ever happened. I decided to put aside everything and just make the couple of days that they were here the best ever. They met their grandchildren and we talked alot over the three days and I went girlie shopping with my mum. It was very intense and very emotional and saying goodbye was heartbreaking as my mum was sobbing so much. My dad was so pleased to be with me again and they said all the right things about how much they loved me and how proud they were of me.

Anyway Im sorry to go on but I just wanted to tell you my story so you can understand that you have not done anything wrong.....your mother was the "parent" and it was up to her to contact you to make amends and tell you how she felt. Please dont think that she would have had a change of heart before she died, if she had she would have contacted you. She knows you had a bad childhood and yet she has never contacted you to make amends and tell you that you were loved and cared for and cherished. All the things we need to hear. So dont beat yourself up, try and let it go and just accept that she didnt have what it took to be the mother you wanted and needed.