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How do i do this? I need to leave my DH and i dont know how or where to go(79 Posts)
Things have been wrong for a long time in my marriage, a lot of things have been done in the past and I have excelled at brushing things under the carpet and just giving the pretence to the entire world that everything is fine. i want to leave and i want to be free of all this and i dont know if i have the courage to do it.
My DH has had multiple affairs/flings basically sinc we got married. He has admitted nothing and apparently I am a paranoid freak. However I have been contacted by an OW, who actually was calling just because she had discovered he had another OW and was put out abou this so decided to phone me. I have seen condemming text messages, I have even overheard him on the phone late at night to another woman. I have seen photos of other women kept in this egotistical wallet of photos he keeps. Photos that I know have been taken since he met me.
He has done it again. And again. And again. Multiple affairs, he even once jetted off to another country to meet up with a girl he met whilst we were on holiday, DS1 was 1 at the time.. I only found out as I came across some photos of this girl ? and I wracked my brains as to where I had seen her before. It came back to me that she was a woman we had met whilst on holiday. Of course again I was not right in the head ,and this had been a work trip. Yes that?s why there are pictures with your arms around her in what appears to be her apartment.
All the while in between he would be the prefect husband and father to the outside world. I just put up with it all like an idiot because he was good to me and kept up the pretence of loving me and treating me right in every other way apart from th efact he was fucking other women any time he could. Also because I just don?t know where to start how to look after two boys by myself , we have a nice house a nice life all funded by him and I don?t know how I will survive. I also felt I didn't deserve any better. It?s just pathetic. I have been pathetic. I am pathetic. He has told me in the past no one else will ever want me, why would they? I have nothing to give or attract anyone.
On top of this, gradually he has become more blatant in his behaviour and doesn?t even try to hide what he is up to. Like he doesn?t even have the decency to hide it.
Yet if I confront him , he just refuses to talk about it and says I am imagining things. Well, I don?t imagine him sleeping at someone else?s house 3 to 4 nights a week. I don?t imagine him refusing to tell me where he has been. I don?t imagine ANY of this , it happens. ? I think to myself if this is how it is what is it going to be like in 5 ten years time. He has so little respect for me at all. I am totally unloved and apparently unloveable. He is alo going to influence my two beautiful sweet boys.
So over the past two weeks he has been absolutely terrible to me ? every Friday he stays over at a ?friends? . Last week he stayed 5 nights Monday to Friday ? telling me he was working late and then his company put him up in a hotel at short notice. He thinks I?m an idiot ? he works for a council ? they don?t do things like that ? and we only live 4 miles from his place of work. FFS. He turned up each morning to take them to school and that was the only time he saw them. I took them out on the Saturday whilst he stayed at home and he took them out on Sunday and spoilt them with gifts.
I did not speak to him at all , the whole weekend apart from to do with the DSs ? and he was unable to even make eye contact me. He then sent me an email on Monday when back at work . He said he had been behaved terribly, he was sorry, he was stressed at work and needed some time out. Note, I also work fulltime and also do everything at home, but i dont get time out . In fact on the rare occasion I do get out I get paid back big time in many ways, so it is just not worth the hassle. His only task is the school run in the morning, and even then I have everything ready and looked out so all he needs to do is make sure they are dressed and drop them off at the school.
So come Monday this week I expected he would come home after work , particularly after his email ? he didn?t . He phoned me saying he was working late ? though I could tell he had been drinking. Same thing Tuesday and Wednesady.
I then cracked and sent him a text saying that I can?t take anymore and we have to end this. I have said this before but last night I actually meant it. And some how he knew that this time he has gone to far and i do mean it this time..
I am terrified of what I have done and the next step. I have a lovely friend at work who I have told recent events to, who despite being a good deal younger than me and with less life experience if you like - she has been absolutely great. I can?t tell her everything as I am totally ashamed how long i have let this go on. She will think I am a lunatic. I have only told her recent stuff - not the truth which is that I have put up with this basically since we got married. Apart from this girl i feel totally isolated ? and I don?t want to offload onto her and make all this a burden to her. But i feel i have taken a huge step by telling just one person.
I just don?t know what the next step is. We need to separate . I can?t do it anymore.
He knows I mean it and from going mad at me via text message last night he is now trying to talk me round. Please help me stay strong and see this through. Tonight he only came home because i mailed him to say i had a meeting at the school and i needed to go. I have just come in and he is acting like father of the year and acting like nothing is wrong. He helped with th ehomework before i went out. He has never done this, he helped with the dishes. He has never done this either. He is gnoring me of course and I have no chance to speak to him as the DS's are glued to him having not seen much of him of late. .
I have no friend s near by ? though I have my mum who is 78 and frail and I don?t feel I can offload to. The rest of my family are perfect people with perfect relationships and I don?t think will relate to this at all ? or will tell me just to soldier on ? people don?t get divorced in this family. I am living in a kind of living hell , all my own doing.
He apologised today for sending me derogatory texts, he didn?t mean it apparently he was frightened of losing me. We are everything to him apparently.
But last night this was all my fault ? in his words he shouldn?t have to work his butt off and come home to an old, fat frump like me who is cold unloving, does not cook every night and does not give him what he needs. Partly I can see where he is coming from - I have emotionally distanced myself from him ? are there any women out there that could be all over a man that has had so many affairs? Tells so many lies? Old? yes maybe, (im 41) Fat? that?s debatable I?m 5?9 and 11.5 stone ? and size 12 down below and a 14 up top. Frumpy, well I don?t know what to say to that I try to keep up with fashions without dressing like a teenager and I never leave the house without make up or doing my hair. I just feel worthless and stupid. I am frightened what to do next, I don?t earn enough to support myself and the DS?s ? I could afford rent but nothing else.
I don?t even know why I am posting this ? though writing it down makes it seem more real and I?m hoping some of you will keep me strong in seeing this through. Should I see a soilictor ? do we need to legally separate? Can I ask him to move out in the interim? Does he have too if I ask him? Can he make me leave. I?m going nowhere without the DS?s.
Sorry this is so long and I?m probably rambling. I feel like I am rambling. If you have got this far well done. Now he has gone to bed taking the DS's with him into our room, which i never usually allow. To exclude me obviuosly from them. He is punishment mode now to me. He is a nasty arsehole to me and Mr Perfection to the rest of the world.
You are NOT in the wrong. This man has beaten you down until you no longer believe in yourself. You've done the right thing to post your problems here.
I know there are other MNetters who will give you better and more practical advice, but get to see a solicitor asap to see what they can advise.
You will be far, far better off without this man.
You've made the right decision to end it. Please stick to your guns. He has treated you abysmally and will continue to treat you like dirt and erode your self esteem if you stay with him. Please get out for your own sake and your childrens'. Definitely get a solicitor's appointment asap for some advice - you can do this and will be so much better off without him.
There is an amazing post. Hopefully someone will come and post it very soon to give you all the information you need to make a start.
I rarely say it out right. But you are spot on. You need out. There is nothing for you execpt more years of the same if you stay with this man.
I am not surprised you have distanced yourself from him, why would any sane woman want to be close and caring with a nasty selfish dick like this!
You are not worthless or stupid in the slightest. It is all just said to put you in your place.
Please consider getting yourself to an STI clinic for a complete check over.
You poor thing. You have put up with so much. You can get through the separation, I know you can.
41 is not old. And 12/14 is not fat. Please ignore any of the shit this man says. He is the problem. Not you.
Firstly, you need to get legal advice. CAB can help. He should leave if you ask him. As the DCs primary carer you have the right to stay in the house. As a single parent you will be entitled to some benefits, depending on your income. Help with childcare costs etc. Your husband will also have to pay you maintenance.
Take it one step at a time. But you can do it.
thank you for replying Blue - i do feel totally beaten down and now that i have written it down I can see how totally awful everything is, i am scared that no one will believe me and will think none of these things are tue becauase how could someone possibly put with it, with even one of these events. he is such an an accomplished liar . he told me once if i tried to take the boys from him, he would bad mouth me to such a degree no one would ever speak to me again, and he would get custody.
I think that this is the post Xales was referring to: I have taken the liberty of cutting and pasting it from another thread (Credit to Olgaga the original poster). Not all of it will be applicable OP, but it is full of useful resources.
Relationship Breakdown and Divorce Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)
It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.
The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be fairly divided between separating parents.
A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (Statement of Arrangements for Children). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - Residence and Contact regarding children, Financial Order or Ancillary Relief in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.
Always see a specialist family lawyer!
Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who dont know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation theres a lot of knowledge and support out there!
Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Dont just stick with the first lawyer you find shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor youre happy with.
If you cant find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.
You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.
If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so its important to have that first.
You can find a Mediator here:
Married or Living Together?
This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.
Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
Issues around contact are further explored here:
I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read there are others of course:
Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).
If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.
If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):
1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.
CSA maintenance calculator:
Handy tax credits calculator:
Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
CAB Benefits Check:
Other Support Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.
thank you all for your replies, i am sitting here crying but i know what i have to do. I just need fo find a solicter, does anyone know how much an appt for advice willl cost?
Myview, I hope that was sarcasm?
If you go to CAB its free. Also, some solicitors will give an initial 30 min appointment for free. Phone around and ask.
Wee here is my hand to hold. You will get through this. You have made the first and very important step of realising something had to change. He sounds a nasty piece of work who has systematically broken your self-esteem.
Now you have to build yourself up again for you and both your DCs.
I have no idea or help for you about legal or financial things but im sure others will have the help you need.
Things will probably be a bit rough for a while but eventually things will be much better.
No problem Wee. It's an awful awful situation you are in and I think you are so brave to post here.
I suspect that you are pretty numb. When we go through that kind of pain on a regular basis, switching off is literally the only way to cope. If you can, try to use some of that 'numbness' to get you through the next step.
I know the 'information' post looks a bit overwhelming - don't read it all now, just know that you have it and that you can refer to it as and when you need it as a resource. The first thing to do is talk to CAB and 30 minutes free time with a good family lawyer.
Stay disengaged from your H as much as possible. His 'good deeds' - washing up, are all designed to throw you and confuse you and franky, mean fuck all, against a lifetime of blatant adultery.
When you feel weak, look to your DS and ask yourself what kind of role model you want them to grow up with and just keep on posting here. You have taken the hardest step - telling the truth about your marriage - now just keep moving forward slowly, but surely.
And for what it's worth, you might be surprised by the reactions of friends and family if you tell the whole truth, and there is another benefit to confiding fully in someone in RL, which is that (as I am sure you realise), once your family / friends (or even one person close to you) know the whole truth, it's a lot harder to go back. You will have said it out loud, made it real and exposed your H for what he really is, and that is a good thing.
It's going to be hard but oh so worth it. And 41 is nothing - you have so much time to make up
My ex was very similar to this. Completely blatant about his activities after the first few times. I was scared of him too, vicious tongue, way of twisting it to make it all my fault.
I had a nervous breakdown in the end, I felt utterly worthless, he didn't have the decency to leave. Years on he's still angry and blames me for finally throwing him out. You HAVE to get out. This is no life for you it's existing. What right does anyone have to force you to live this life?
Nothing much more to add from other people. However you say you are scared about doing it on your own but from the information you have given you are doing it on your own already. You can do this you really can!
I would find the taking the kids to bed in your room unbearable. My ex tried something similar once, locked him and ds in a bedroom saying "come on ds, lets get away from her, we don't need her do we?" Luckily ds was only 1 and didn't understand. I called the police.
Myview: I imagine you are either a 12 year old boy or some needledick who got dumped by a woman with self respect. Either way, fuck off.
Myview has appeared on a few threads recently spouting similar handmaiden nonsense. Usually on the MOST inappropriate threads for such 'advice'