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Please help, kicked me when I'm down and now wants to make up, can't cope

(180 Posts)
aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 08:57:53

Found out on Monday that H slept with someone four times while on two-week work trip abroad. Didn't use protection. He says he'd decided, without informing me, that we needed to get a divorce so was therefore single and not doing anything wrong (his very words). We'd had an argument the day before he'd left and he said I'd gone too far (again, didn't say that at the time). I'm in such a state I can't explain this properly.

The argument was nasty it's true. But I wasn't the only one, and he was pretty harsh, even threatening at one point. Now, he says he's not sure and is blaming what happened on the things I said. It came about because, as usual, he didn't take into account the fact that I have physical problems that make everything seem harder. It was DS's birthday and I wanted it to be great. He decided to invite his family and friends to dinner the same night, followed by six of his ex-colleagues the following evening. So I'd been cooking all weekend and preparing stuff for the kiddie party on Friday too. He hardly helped and wants a medal for what he did do. When he said in the middle of it that he was going out for a swim, leaving me with my DS and step-DS and all the cleaning, I lost it and we had the argument. I have a slipped disc (third in four years) and have been struggling with hormonal imbalance that started when I got chronic fatigue 10 years ago. It goes in cycles and my life is hugely better but I'm nowhere near to normal energy levels. Was getting back to proper weight but after this I've shrunk again, can only drink tea. The painkillers are the only things keeping me sane as one of them also treats anxiety. I'm gutted for DS too as I just can't see how we can get back from this as H says he will never feel remorse but is willing to start afresh (wtf?!).

What's worse is that I struggle to believe his version and feel he wanted to hurt me, as punishment for argument. I have no proof of that, just my gut. If he'd really decided to leave, would he have needed to tell me about OW? When he came home, we put little one to bed then he said he'd decided to leave. He burst into tears and was so distraught I softened (I'd been mad he'd not asked about DS by mail over the two weeks he was gone). That was when he told me about OW. This is the second time he's dealt with a dispute in this way, though the first time it was 'just a snog'. I'll never know, but he's such a child I believed him. Now I'm lost. Have managed to keep a brave face for DS but it's going to be hard to keep it up. H wants us to have counselling but my instinct says he wants to hurt me again by discussing it in front of someone else, humiliating others is a family trait, at least on of MIL's.

He didn't just have sex with OW, they spent time around people who know us both and to whom he probably told his version of events, that makes it ten times worse. It's horrible.
Please help, what are the baby steps to not lose it?

madeiracake Sat 24-Nov-12 11:05:09

also you need to talk to your family in RL about it and to figure out what it is that makes you need to protect them from the situation. they'll love you and support you, in fact it's quite possible they're worried about you already and will be relieved that you're letting them in. is your work something you can do anywhere or are you tied to where you live?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 24-Nov-12 11:13:07

It's so much easier to have clarity when you're not in the middle of it. Seeing wood for trees 'n' all that. However, please realise that pretty much everyone who has contributed to this thread knows so much because they've been in at least one bad relationship themselves, often for far too long, so they know what it feels like. It is not easy even to see what's wrong and incredibly hard to get out of. But the first step is thinking to yourself "something is definitely not right here; you know what, I don't think it is just me" and finding out some independent views. You've taken that step. Now mull it over, and as everyone's saying, start putting yourself first for a change. It's not always a bad thing.

Leverette Sat 24-Nov-12 11:15:24

The clarity really comes once you've escaped and have achieved some healing.

It hurts. It hurts really badly - because if you love someone you instinctively want to be with them, support them, enjoy their company, their body, all of that...but this is one-way love. He takes, you give. He shits all over you, you wonder what you can do to help him feel better/behave better.

It hurts to give up on the dream.

But it is a dream. You're in love with an illusion. An illusion of maybe what he was at the start, of what he has the potential to be.

I wish you much strength.

Xales Sat 24-Nov-12 11:21:21

He decided he wanted a divorce, didn't tell you so was free to shag who he wanted and has no remorse. What complete and utter nasty bull shit.

I think a lot of your problems are due to be stuck in a relationship with a vile partner.

I actually think if you get rid of this nasty wanker, it will be hard to start with but you will be amazed at how much better you feel eventually.

Please consider a trip to an STI clinic he has previous form and you have no idea how many times he may have decided he wants a divorce so that he hasn't done anything wrong hmm

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 11:25:24

aufaniae it doesn't sound harsh, as with CailinDana's post it's giving me the shake I need. You're experience sounds familiar indeed. What helps the most, because I've had inklings of this through the mist in my head, is that he's not going to change. I've been clinging onto that from the start.

Parents just phoned to check on me, they must think I'm upset because of my back situation. It's too soon for me to explain it out loud.

madeiracake he sometimes criticizes me for not looking after my needs more...I don't even know what they are. I want to be a good mum, need help with that sometimes when I'm exhausted, probably don't "go for a swim" to do myself some good because I'm too tired to do so. Viscious circle. I told him last night (in a kind way because I was too raw to shout) that I just needed support, not stuff like taking the bins out, which he does as well as the shopping if necessary etc., but with trying to cope with life. I don't have the energy to even know what I need, it's like going round in circles. And when he's away there's not much time for that anyway.

The paradox for me is getting all these hugs from someone who is actually not supportive and gets angry if I'm in need of reassurance.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself. You're all helping me think about the important things, rather than, where did I go wrong all the time.

pictish I think it was you who said it would be laughable if it wasn't sad, well how about this: he tried to tell me that part of it was that we weren't having sex often enough

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 11:39:02

This man is a abuser. Please take steps to rid yourself of him. What good does he bring to the table ? What small crumbs must you hang on for to make his emotional abuse of you palatable ?

Your health problems are likely to improve when you take charge of your own emotional health, and stop relying on a man that wants to diminish you for support.

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 11:39:16

madeiracake yes I can work from anywhere there is an internet connection. DS is six and I don't want him to miss school or be disrupted in any way.

I could maybe go to a RL friend's house, though it's three hours away, to get some head space. I can work from there next week, can't afford more time off. I know kids would be perfectly safe with H. He wouldn't say I was selfish I think, because I think he knows that I'm at some sort of limit.

God, if only you all could send me some of your strength, you all seem so much more sorted. I'm going to sign off and think about what you've said.

I'll be back though, need to actually note down what you've said as I'm nowhere near ready for what's to come and am still more hurt than angry.

Thanks so much for being there everyone who's replied.
xx

ErikNorseman Sat 24-Nov-12 11:40:17

You cannot parent him. You cannot fix the damage caused by his childhood. He is not your child.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 11:40:53

Cultivate that small flicker of anger, love

Blow on it gently and nurture it. It's the only thing that will save you from a life of misery, because he doesn't care that he hurt you and he will carry on doing it if you let this go

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 11:47:25

AnyFucker our posts crossed but I want to reply before going. First of all, my psychologist said what you did about the health problems being related. I guess deep down I knew that but couldn't face it (was blaming myself ffs).

Second, the crumbs can be magical and that's where I lose my grip. He can be really gentle and sweet (yes, I know just like a child) and of course I was attracted initially by the charisma, the music, he's a romantic, etc.

But...I've learned the hard way that all that means nothing without trust. I thought I did know that already, but somehow my confidence has gone down the toilet in the mist of it all. None of my exs were like that.

I'm sorry I can't stay on for now, I need to rest it's all a bit overwhelming though I want and need to hear it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 24-Nov-12 11:47:32

He is a vicious bastard.

You need to get away from him before he destroys you.

madeiracake Sat 24-Nov-12 11:52:49

well despite being a twat he may nevertheless be right about you not looking after you own needs enough. actually I would be worried he says that as it suggests that he recognises this is a weakness in you and is deliberately exploiting it.

did you ever have a clear sense of your needs or what you wanted? before you met him, or before you were ill? It sounds to me like you possibly have some co-dependent tendencies and are using looking after him as a substitute for dealing with your own life at some level. If so you need to figure out why, but you need to get away from him sapping your energy before you'll feel able to do that.

'The paradox for me is getting all these hugs from someone who is actually not supportive and gets angry if I'm in need of reassurance.' EXACTLY. And because you're getting 'hugs' which aren't actually supportive they don't really meet your emotional needs, so you get more needy and desperate and go back for more and more hugs, but they still don't work. it is a viscious [viscous, viscose.. can't spell] circle, which you need to break. I've been in this situation myself (can you tell?), although it was less clear cut - no physical violence and no cheating - and my life improved immeasurably when I left. I still occasionally feel guilty about it - as I said the circumstances were different, I don't think you'd have any reason to feel guilty - but I've never regretted it.

You sound lovely btw. And the irony is that the kind of unconditional love and emotional responsibility you are offering are invaluable in a good reciprocally supportive relationship. The problem is him.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 11:53:49

ae, go get your rest

we will be here when you are ready to come back x

madeiracake Sat 24-Nov-12 12:01:01

And the reason I sound sorted is because I'm not in the situation anymore. At the time I was a confused emotional mess.

Looking back I wish I had talked to my family about it, because they would have given me a helpful perspective in which my well being was considered important. In a relationship it's very easy to get sucked into the other person's viewpoint - it's helpful to have outside advise to establish 'normal' iyswim. But I do completely understand about not feeling ready to discuss it until you have more of an idea what you feel.

pictish Sat 24-Nov-12 12:02:15

Yeah - not having sex often enough.

Well hear me now - he is right. Not having sex often enough sucks. However, if he wants to have sex with you, you has to be the sort of man you want to have sex with. It is very simple. You want sex too - but not with someone who makes you feel sad and anxious. And certainly not with someone who thinks you are his mummy.
He has a choice.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-12 12:07:16

hear me now

I love that phrase smile

TisILeclerc Sat 24-Nov-12 12:09:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterfingerz Sat 24-Nov-12 12:13:59

What you need to do is to stop mothering him, spending all weekend cooking and cleaning up after his family and colleagues and transfer all of that to yourself.

If you carry on as you are, knackering yourself out for a man (not a child, a man) who cheats on you and physically abuses you, do you think your health will improve? Fuck no.

Your post has made me so angry... I can only go from what you have written, but I feel so sorry for you. Please do something about your situation, nourish yourself and your DS, not him.

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 24-Nov-12 13:52:31

The reason you need support and rest to get through the simplest things in life is because you are supporting an emotional vampire.

When he says he loves you- he's probably telling the truth. this is his version of love- this is as good as it gets. angry

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 14:30:07

i couldn't stay away long, this is the only place where I feel there's hope atm.

madeiracake he may nevertheless be right about you not looking after you own needs enough. actually I would be worried he says that as it suggests that he recognises this is a weakness in you and is deliberately exploiting it. hit the nail on the head there...

HOWEVER, thanks to AF that tiny bit of anger I can feel wants to say No I was not like that about my needs before, this has been since the illness. I'm not co-dependent I promise, watched enough of that growing up to know that's not what I want (at least I thought so). Before being unwell, I'd set up on my own freelancing and had great relations with my clients, an active social life and lots of good friends (thankfully still do, but distance is a problem) I was into meditating and did exercise. Then we moved away, nearer MIL, to another part of the country (I'd love to say where but am really worried about being recognised as the ex-pat community here is small). And a few months later had DS. I've often felt that the problem stems from being less available to H since then.

He just came back in briefly, held my hand and wanted to be sweet to me. I felt numb but was polite. Keep having images of him with OW though thanks to you here there are also a few of something more positive, less mothering and more equally balanced.

I just don't seem to have the courage of my (emerging) convictions sad

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 14:32:20

pictish you're "hear me now" comment brought the first smile of the week, thank you!

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 14:37:34

TisL that's hopeful and I know you're right. And, whether or not he was using the argument as an excuse, it will forevermore be an unspoken threat won't it? I guess I'm still too shaky to make a move.

HotHotNot Sat 24-Nov-12 14:39:57

Not baby steps. Fairy baby steps. Getting a bit of distance in your head when with him is one. Getting some actual distance as you planned at a friends is another. Are your medical needs being met? Keep posting and consider some next steps once you have a little distance.

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 14:56:26

Hi hothot, exactly, I don't think I can step very far at present without falling to pieces. I can manage in his presence by thinking of the kids and having this back pain is a blessing in one way as i have a good reason to take myself away off on the pretext of needing to rest. Yes, for the question about medical needs, though having to lie down is hard when you don't want to be in the same house as the other person.
You know what, the worst stupidest thing of all this is that I keep having waves of guilt about the argument.. Yet I know and remember for a fact that I didn't attack him as a person (I reserve that for fascists and the like), all of the stuff I used were about his line of work (music) and his behaviour relating to it (ignoring family needs, my health and only thinking about his own). I didn't call him names or use abusive language.
I have since called him selfish but I hardly think that's out of order considering.
i'm justifying myself to myself here confused

aefondkisses Sat 24-Nov-12 14:57:56

"all of the words I used" shaky typing

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