Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I need help (and you'll probably flame me)(318 Posts)
I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.
He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.
Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.
The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.
Wishing you the strength you need MrsM
Well done for contacting counsellors. It will be really good for you.
There's no big rush on the solicitor either so you do it in your own time!
I think it's so sad that you feel that way about your own home. And it's things like that that make me sure leaving is the right thing for you!
Just hold on to the thought that life will be so much better when you're free of this stuff.
Not yet. Work has been bonkers but I have emailed some counsellors so looking forward to checking my emails when I'm back in the office.
Need to stay strong and remember the bad times as well. If I said to him about FB he would probably say "well have an account then" but like you said that's not the point. He doesn't get it.
I actually got the slow train home yesterday because I didn't really want to go home.
(I don't really want one in any case)
But that's beside the point, isn't it?!
I'm glad you've strenghtened your resolve because it's all too easy for them to suck you back in with a little kindness. They pull you donw that much that scraps of decency make you think it's not so bad.
He can probably sense you pulling away and that's why he's doing it.
Honestly, he's an utter bastard and even utter bastards can be nice some of the time.
Have you spoken to a solicitor? You're doing really well.
I'm not certain he would be reasonable about this. I have a plan that I think would suit us both from a practical perspective.
I had to re-read this thread today to strengthen my resolve because he's being nice and it reminds me of some really good times we had.
Then I remember him storming off when we were on holiday in Mexico because I had men as friends on Facebook. Obviously I don't have a Facebook account now, (I don't really want one in any case).
Read more now. God he sounds vile! You did his ex a service...
Of course you don't deserve it FFS!
I think you need to have a good long chat with him and tell him that you can't live like this. I am sure that there are insecurities on both sides due to the way the relationship started but they need to be addressed properly by both of you.
On paper it makes sense for him to move out, but is he a reasonable man?
Do you think you could move out, and serve him with legal papers for the property to be sold?
Selling the property would be a clean break.
I'd second the advice about going to a solicitor. Can you get a recommendation through work and try to see someone during work time or during a lunch break?
I honestly think that talking to someone who is paid to advise you about your legal rights will strengthen your resolve. You've got more than enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour. If he won't leave and you decide to, AFAIK you can get a legal charge put on the house to protect it as an asset of the marriage, but a lawyer would advise more.
If you're not worried about being in immediate danger of physical violence, your best bet would be to see a solicitor before agreeing to anything. Your husband has been messing with your head for so long that you have no confidence in your own judgement on home/ relationship matters. Do you have a trusted friend or relative that could come along to solicitors meetings and take notes for you?
I certainly wouldn't go down the road of defaulting on the mortgage, because that's certainly something that could come back and bite you.
Do you really want to stay in the house? Or will it just turn into something else which allows him control over you after you've split? Being financially independent is an advantage that many women in your position don't have , so don't waste the opportunities that this provides you with.
I'm glad you've made the decision to protect your wellbeing. Yes, you were both wrong to have the affair and break up the family- but that mistake doesn't have to become a lifelong cascade of guilt and suffering emotional abuse; you're making great strides with ending the mistake.
Betty, I know deep down that's what I need to do. Thank you. It's still not easy though, I know that's what will happen though.
Just go. Houses aren't homes if we're not happy in them. Lawyers can sort it all out without you continuing to live there. Your happiness matters more than anything, so get packing.
*well if he won't leave
Cannot type today!
Well if we won't leaven (and I don't think he will) you stop paying the mortgage if that's what it takes to get free and safe.
A couple of months non-payment won't cause a huge amount of damage in the long run. It will give you time and money for a deposit on somewhere and to see a solicitor so you can get the ball rolling to sell the property.
Your priority must be to get away from this man. First and foremost.
I genuinely wish you the very best of luck with this. You need to see a solicitor. Tomorrow if possible.
MrsM I know your going to lose your home that you love ect and I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm not just saying it I know.
I really don't think he will leave, you could try it but I think the nastiness and control will be stepped up and you'l never break free. Or it will end in you calling the police and him stalking you and a never ending cycle of abuse/him moving in 3 doors down/letters/threats/emotional blackmail/real blackmail/threatening not to maintain financial resp to your parents/threatening to tell work/
I really hope he hasn't got any inappropriate photos of you.
I really think the best thing to do is pack your shit and get out of there. Imagine how it will be to have your own house, decorated how you want, no ghosts from the past and no way of him just turning up on the door step.
I know, that's the problem. Although we own it jointly, I pay the mortgage and he wouldn't be able to afford it on his own. If he stayed then I don't know whether I would be able to pay the mortgage and rent somewhere for myself whereas if I stayed, I would happily help him with rent/deposit somewhere else. I could afford to buy him out of the house I think in the longer term.
I don't think he would agree to moving out, I was just wondering if there was anyone with any experience of how to go about this.
He pays the electricity, council tax, gas and water and I pay the mortgage and buy groceries and pay into savings. That's how we split things.
Why do you want to stay in the house Mrs?
I think the decision to leave is absolutely the right one. But I'm not sure why he would agree to moving out since it will be you ending the relationship?
I have been thinking on this and I think I want him to leave and me to remain in the house. I think (hope?) he is rational enough to maintain our financial responsibilities to my parents, not least because he will benefit from them in the longer term. I don't know how to go about this though. Do I tell him I'm not happy and I want him to leave? Then he will expect to be able to work things out. FFS I can't even ask him what time he will be home from work without him saying "why do you want to know", if he's going out for a run he will question me if I ask him where he is going. It's driving me potty.
I stayed away with work last night and I'm just bracing myself for a hard time when he gets in.
Personally, I would sort out as much as you can without telling him. Get the removal men in when he's at work, and not around to manipulate. I wouldn't pre warn him, but maybe that's just me. It saves the confrontation on moving out.
Get a lawyer
Get the hell out
You are allowed to save yourself, you know
Best of luck
It's time for you to get professional legal advice
I recognise very well all the signs of a controlling type of man who wants his partner to be miserable as my father was like that. He was particularly nasty to my mother while he was having one of his many affairs - it's projection of their own guilt onto the innocent party and also, by turning the innocent party into the baddie, it gives them them the illusion that, as the wife is so flawed, then it's ok to be screwing someone else.
Honestly, a normal man wouldn't still be banging on about how you got together in the first place.....that's just nuts. Are you sure it isn't HIM who is having an affair?!
"My brother mentioned that a friend of his said I was fit and I knew IMMEDIATELY that the comment would cause friction and sure enough he sulked for two days before bringing it up with me. "
All in now clear - he realises that he is a difficult, controlling bugger and that he is lucky to have you at all. From the sounds of it you did his previous wife a huge favour by taking him off her hands. I would be very grateful if I were her.
He won't change. As you were quite young (and possibly inexperienced/naive) when you met him, you probably didn't spot the red flags. He is obviously a lot older than you and probably worked out that he would be able to seduce you and also ensure that you would carry more than your fair share of the burden of guilt. He probably wouldn't have been able to have any success with a more experienced woman or a woman whose radar was more closely honed. You were probably flattered because he was older and came on strong, and maybe also felt that, because he was already attached, he must REALLY like you in order to take that kind of risk.
I remember being in my early 20s and having a massive crush on a man who was married in his early thirites. I just couldn't understand why he didn't go for it as I simply had no concept of the reality of having a relationship with a married man and all the issues that go with it. That simply didn't enter my head. So what you did, from your perspective, was understandable. He, on the other hand, knew precisely what he was doing.
Like I say, he knows that he will find it difficult to attract another woman - especially a single one of childbearing age !!!!
Also, if you ever want children, you might just kick yourself that you wasted the best years on your life on someone who is a miserable git.
Get yourself to a solicitor to understand handing over the business and extracting yourself/your family.
Talk to your bank about protecting joint debts/cards.
And rightmove will give you ideas on cost and locations and what's available.
If needs be, you can stay in a travelodge until you've got somewhere.
You could do that in two or three days.
Your next choice is to either leave the house and don't tell him you've gone, or to tell him you're going and leave the house. Do you have your plan yet?
Is there anything else holding you back?
I hope this helps you get your head in the right place. My DS and I had nothing. Just deck chairs, pans and toys until my work colleagues heard about it and rustled up beds, a sofa, a telly and some boxes. I remember it as the calmest and most relaxing couple of months of my life because I was free of all crap.
Oohlah, thank you for that. It's not too far from my situation and whilst it's obviously shit, it helps that someone else has trod the ground before me.
Join the discussion
Please login first.