Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

(318 Posts)
MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:02

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:02:31

OP, are you sticking with him because you are grateful to him in some weird way (that he threw his family under a bus for you). And that it has to work because of the magnitude of your guilt in being complicit in that ?

Let it go. Let it all go. Look at where you are now. Is this the sort of relationship you imagined for yourself, and how you want to live ?

ENormaSnob Tue 20-Nov-12 14:02:32

What laqueen said.

Fortyshadesofgreen Tue 20-Nov-12 14:04:12

There is a possiblity that the emails are a trigger OP. But that depends on the circumstances of the emails etc. Might make a little more sense if the mails were between you and someone you still see or work with / know for example ?

Difficult to tell but without more info then its not really possible to discard them or say they are the trigger / or part of his reaction.

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:04:12

But that's from before you met.

Why does he say you find it easy to lie? Because you flirted with someone before you got together.

I apologise, I assumed you meant further emails. Since you were single when those emails were written while he was snagging you while married. Its so ridiculous.

How do you feel about not having kids?

pictish Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:09

I think it's a classic case of projection. He says she find it easy to lie, because he did.

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:34

shagging not snagging. smile

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:05:57

I assume that OP has worked through the idea of not having kids when she had an affair with, and then married this man. OP, would that be correct ?

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 14:06:16

Well, at least at 31, if you do leave him, you have a lot of good time ahead to find someone who doesn't treat people badly.
All the best. (Really.)

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:07:51

(norah - she's not drip feeding, she mentions the e-mails at the bottom of the OP)

Also, IME - woman who have been with a man who has made "a great sacrifice" to be wtih them by leaving another family, usually end up feeling the have to stay with them/get married earlier than they might otherwise do, because they feel like he's done so much for them they 'owe' their DP. And usually they have also had to defend their relationship from friends/family who don't approve so feel backed into a corner/little support from outside the relationship.

Often, I've seen this and thought I bet if they had met when they were both single, it wouldn't have lasted this long, as you wouldn't feel you had to put up with being treated badly due to guilt.

pictish Tue 20-Nov-12 14:08:39

I think the idea of not having kids is easier to make peace with when you're a youngster.
When you get older, you start wanting them. Imho.

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:09:28

no always af. I know several women who have said at 24 they are never having kids. But the. Have changed their minds.

One left her marriage as her husband was still of the mind that he didn't want them.

Perhaps the op doesn't.

pictish Tue 20-Nov-12 14:10:21

And I agree with what you said there Don'tmindifIdo

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:11:05

don'tmind we have established that and i apologised.

ISayHolmes Tue 20-Nov-12 14:12:35

I think it's madness to go to counselling with someone like this. A person who thinks it's reasonable to sulk over someone saying a compliment about his partner and tells his partner that they shouldn't even sit in their staff room, is not going to be swayed by counselling. They're controlling and have a worrying grip on reality.

He doesn't want you to sit in the same room as your colleagues, talk to your friends or get texts from them or hear that other people find you attractive. He doesn't trust you because you have exchanged flirty emails in the past, before you even knew he existed. Can you not see how warped and oppressive this is? He is trying to isolate you from everyone around you.

I say you'd be better off alone.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:14:25

(Norah - sorry, took me too long to post that last message!)

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:15:13

Nora, I know some women don't and I think they are stupid to behave like that. Hence my reinforcement of your question to the OP.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 20-Nov-12 14:16:01

To be honest, he was the dishonest one, the cheating husband. I dont think the reason he is jealous, controlling, sulky and suspicious has anything to do with how you got together. If you and him are not a good fit, you dont have to stay with him, just because you were part of his first marriage break up.

Dont feel guilty, you helped another woman get rid of a cheating, controlling, sulking and jealous partner! For all you know she thought "good riddance".

Just because somebody else has married a man, it does not mean that he is a catch, actually...

And NO he will never trust you, because he has learnt that human nature cannot be trusted, mostly because he knows he cant trust himself. So why trust you? FGS, massive breach of privacy going through your emails.

Go to works do, chat with me, stay in the staff room. Support your friend whose husband died. So what if he sulks? That is his lookout.

Look out for yourself, ok?

Sioda Tue 20-Nov-12 14:20:00

"He's never said anything about children ever."
Doesn't sound like a whole lot of mature discussion between equals there...

"I keep trying to talk to my mum about it but she just won't listen to me."
OP, you're 31. You don't need your mum's help. He had an affair with you because you were younger and easier to control than his wife. He's not going to change. He's old and he's been treating women like shit for a long time. Cut your losses.

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:20:16

Sorry af I misinterpreted your post.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Nov-12 14:22:08

No worries, Nora, we are all trying to help

achillea Tue 20-Nov-12 14:31:33

My brother mentioned that a friend of his said I was fit and I knew IMMEDIATELY that the comment would cause friction and sure enough he sulked for two days before bringing it up with me.

I don't understand you OP. You say he found flirty emails. Why do you send flirty emails when you are in a relationship? Why do you tell him (or did your brother tell him?) that someone you knew thought you were fit?

There is something amiss here, don't get me wrong I think you are in a difficult and possibly abusive relationship but there seem to be some blurred boundaries and co-dependency. What are you telling your mother that she won't listen to?

Proudnscary Tue 20-Nov-12 14:32:47

Arrrggghh she didn't send emails when she was in a relationship with him!

achillea Tue 20-Nov-12 14:39:05

OK Proud, just re-read - so he actively logged on to her emails and checked her old emails? That's just creepy.

How old were the flirty emails OP and how the heck did he get on to your account? Was he hunting or was it just something that he found by accident.

achillea Tue 20-Nov-12 14:40:00

Also OP, when you say you are afraid to give an ultimatum (sort this out or leave) - what do you think he will say or do?

NoraGainesborough Tue 20-Nov-12 14:45:22

Does your mum think you have made your bed, so you now have to lie in it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now