Dh is a sex addict and I don't know what to do for the best

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

I have been with dh for 14 years, married for 11 of those, have 2 kids, with a third on the way. He is a sex addict, he likes to contact women online and have virtual sex with them. We have been mostly ok over the years with me finding evidence of these conversations from time to time, being upset, dealing with it and moving on.
I have over the years come to see this as what it is- an addiction that he struggles with and nothing to do with failings in our relationship despite what he tries to excuse it with (I found out the first time a couple of months before I married him when our sex life was great, we had no money worries and no kids to make him stressed)
I have just found a load of emails today, filthy stuff, with photos that make my skin crawl. I don't mind him looking at porn, it's the mutuality of it between two people and the fact that he is sending obscene photos of himself to others that disgusts me. I just feel so betrayed.
I'm at the point now where I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't think I can have sex with him again having seen what I have, I feel dirty by association.
I don't know what to do for the best. Do I leave him to it, and get a divorce knowing the upset it may cause my kids and bring this third baby up on my own, or do I insist on some counselling and keep trying?
I should say that in between me finding these conversations, we can have months and even years where we get on well and are happy, we rarely argue.
We do have different sex drives, mine being on the low side, his being very high it seems, as there are 3 of these emails a day with different women in some days! No one surely needs sex that often to be satisfied?
Should I treat this like gambling for example where it will happen from time to time then he will get it under control again?

[Offred]

What makes you say he is a sex addict?

Also, if that is the case what about being a sex addict would excuse him repeatedly hurting you like this?

You say nothing about what he has done or felt about making this better only about how you seem to be taking full responsibility for it and excusing it because you feel you should if it is an addiction.

[Margerykemp]

No you shouldn't treat this like another addiction.

He doesn't care about you, your life and family or your DCs.

He doesn't deserve any of you.

If he's been having an increasing porn addiction over years I'd be worried about him around the DCs if he has been looking at much younger women.

I'm really shocked you've put up with it do long.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

I am really sorry for your troubles. Do you mean that your dh is a porn addict? If he is then you're gonna have to say goodbye to your wifi sadly. The only way to cure an addiction is to go cold turkey.

[BlackberryIce]

Sex addict? No. He's just having his cake and eating it!

Wouldn't it be a professionals job to diagnose 'addiction' not the long suffering wife.

[Aboutlastnight]

I think you need space and he needs help. This is not normal behaviour.

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

I don't excuse it. He had some counselling way before I got pregnant with our first child, I went along, and the counsellor basically said he uses sex as a way to feel wanted and needed after his difficult childhood, his mother was abusive to him from what I have heard and seen, and his father was abusive to his mother and to him as a young child , before leaving and not wanting anything to do with him.
The sex addict thing doesn't impact on our every day lives except when I find out. The rest of the time things are good, we get on well, have the same goals.

[mumblechum1]

I can understand why his online activities are really upsetting, but does he actually have sex with other women?

[AnnieLobeseder]

So, your DH does stuff that most men wouldn't dream of doing, and most wives would never accept, you do accept it, and just call him an addict. People get addicted to all kinds of things. Addiction is never seen as a good thing; it is universally accepted as damaging and treatment is usually sought. Instead, you've both been ignoring the problem, and as with all other addictions, is has escalated to the point where you don't feel you can live with it any more.

Tell him this, and as I would suggest with any addiction, including gambling, as you suggested, insist he gets treatment or leave the relationship as you are no longer prepared to deal with it or the problems it causes.

Does he care that he's hurting you? That in itself should tell you how bad the problem is and whether it can be resolved.

[peedoffbird]

Oh FFS that's awful. As said above, I'm not sure how you've put up with it this long and now you're pg which makes things more difficult but not impossible. How could you ever let him touch you again?

He's not a sex addict - he is choosing to to do this as he is an adult who is able to exercise self control and don't let him tell you otherwise. What a crock of shite. Sorry but I am angry on your behalf and I just don't get what goes on with some of these men.

If I were you, I would not be able to live with it and would have to leave. In years to come, things will settle down and you will do just fine on your own.

What a total twat.

[BlackberryIce]

I would say it's quite likely he is meeting up with these women too.aybe a trip to the clinic is in order?

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

I don't think he is a porn addict, it's not just porn, I could deal with him having the odd wank over a photo of a naked woman. It's the fact that he is making contact with people online and having an intimate conversation with them whilst wanking off that upsets me, and the frequency with which he does it. I understand his addiction, but I feel as if I cant help him if he won't help himself. Today I have told him I want a divorce, but that's such a huge upheaval for the kids. I'm not scared of being on my own, I'm a strong willed woman.

[BlackberryIce]

It's not an 'addiction'... Is this a word he himself has given it?

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

For the record I have kept a very close eye on bank statements over the years, even his car mileage on occasion, and I'm very confident that he isn't meeting up with anyone, I have never found any suggestion of that in the emails I have found, and I've never had any infection other than thrush which I have been prone to since long before I met him.
He also maintains that he has never had physical contact with these women, only Internet/txt.

[Offred]

I'm still not clear how you've decided it is an addiction.

Also if you read back your own posts can you see how you are excusing his behaviour "he is a sex addict", "I'm only upset when I find out", "I understand his addiction".

I would be sceptical about this addiction of his but lets just imagine it is the truth why exactly would his addiction mean you as his wife and children had to tolerate the way he chooses to express it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think it matters whether or not he's a sex addict, when someone is too selfish to care that their bad habit disgusts and depresses their partner, that's a perfectly valid reason to end the relationship. I wouldn't make it any more complicated than that.

[Margerykemp]

He's cheating on you.

Why are you finding it so difficult to call a spade a spade?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

His behaviour is horrendous! What does he say when you confront him?

Is he a selfish idiot in other ways?

[PissyDust]

Have you told him how it makes you feel?

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

He has had a diagnosis from counsellor. In all other way he is a model husband. Yes I know it's adultery. Yes he knows how it makes me feel.
I don't know what to do for the best, leave now and upset the kids and deny this new baby a life with its father or stay but insist on counselling and try to help him stop.

[GoingforGoingforGOLD]

To those saying he's not an addict, he just wants his cake and eat it and so on. You wouldn't say the sane if it were alcohol he was addicted to.

Op I don't know what to suggest but these responses you're getting, they're not balanced, thought out or informed. Because it's sexual stuff he's abusing it seems it's seen as a lack of responsibility and respect for his family, not as a sypmtom of deeper malaise

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The trouble is that, if this is a compulsive behaviour on his part (and there is a difference between a compulsion and an addiction), the only person that can stop it is him. Whilst it's tempting to think that love conquers all and that all he needs is your support, the truth is that this caring strategy hasn't had any effect so far. He carries on regardless. Sadly, it may take the reality of losing wife and children to finally convince him to change his ways.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@GoingforGold It wouldn't matter if he was addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or some other compulsive behaviour entirely. The crux of the issue is that the OP finds the behaviour offensive, is not responsible for the behaviour and is not in a position to change the behaviour. The decision to do that rests entirely with the subject and, if they repeatedly fail, partners should not feel guilty about walking away.

[Proudnscary]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What a dreadful situation

Unless he is capable of really understanding the hurt you feel and the depth of his betrayal and will his behaviour/get proper help...can you really live like this?

I think you have to ask yourself what is your dealbreaker? Is this it or would it be if you found out he's met up with and had sex with one of these women?

What did he say when you spoke of divorce?

When you say you have 'worked through it' over the years, what does this mean - tearful rows, promises to stop, brushing under the carpet?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

You talk about his abusive childhood making him this way. I wonder what your childhood was like that makes you think you can fix him. I suggest you read 'women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. Addicts attract certain types of women who, because of their own childhoods, tolerate much more than any other woman would.

[Offred]

Goingforgold - sex addiction is not a recognised diagnosis.