Why am I upset/angry?

[LilBlondePessimist]

I haven't bothered name changing for this as on my phone it's too hard, so I'll ask that if anyone here recognizes me from rl (highly unlikely), that you don't mention it to me (stupid paranoia over now!).

I'll try to give as much detail as possible so as not to drip feed, but try not to make it too long.

I'm 18wks pregnant, and still bf ds3 (10mths), and my libido is virtually zero. I know this frustrates dh, so I do try on occasion as I realise it's unfair on him, but most of the time I'm too sick/sore/exhausted to do anything but go straight to sleep, and I have turned him down several times now. We rarely do anything. I have severe HG which I'm medicated for, the antiemetics make me sleepy, and I have early onset spd :(

Anyway, on Saturday night/into Sunday, I got very little sleep due to ds3, and was exhausted Sunday morning, so dh got up with the kids at 7, and I slept till 9. This tbh is a rarity, and I was grateful, but when I got up, dh was in a pretty foul mood, and nipped and picked at me all day - I hadn't vacuumed properly, I took too long in the shower while he was trying to do things but had to look after the baby etc etc.

Eventually we had a huge row, admittedly I swore at him, then we pretty much stopped talking and avoided each other for the rest of the day. We even went to sleep not speaking which hadn't happened for a couple of years. On Monday morning, we were civil to each other, then I took the oldest dc to school and came back for the middle one who had a doctors appointment. I kind of expected him to come with us, but he said he had jobs to do in the house. I was pissed of and just left without saying by.

When I came back, I decided the whole thing was a bit silly, so started acting more normally and so did he, though neither apologized and there was a bit of an atmosphere still.

Anyway, fast forward to evening when he had gone to work, and I was using his laptop (to mumsnet). I went into the history to find a previous page I'd been on (neither of us has passwords or anything to hide), only to discover that ten minutes after I'd left for the doctors that morning, he'd watched porn. Only for ten minutes or so by the looks of the videos, so I can guess what he was up to.

Anyway, the point is, it was pretty mainstream, normal stuff. I know he occasionally looks at porn, we sometimes do together. I totally understand that as I'm not interested in sex right now that he may probably will masturbate etc, and this doesnt upset me at all. I have no moral problems with mainstream porn, and it would never bother me when he has mentioned looking at it but this time I was upset, angry, my stomach churned, and I started shaking. I haven't mentioned it (not sure why), and I don't feel so bad about it now, but I can't understand my initial reaction. Was it hormones? I don't know. I kind of almost felt cheated on (I know this makes no sense, and is in no way meant to be disrespectful to those who have been cheated on, sorry).

I suppose I'm just looking to see if anyone can explain my irrational reaction. Sorry for the long post, and thank you if you've got this far.

[Justme23]

You are pregnant... And breastfeeding and by the sounds of it having a terribly time of it.

It isn't surprising you have got yourself worked up.

But you do need to thInk rationally. He is clearly frustrated sexually and it probably isn't helPing his moods.

Why don't you speak to him. Calmly.

[wednesdaygirl]

Better than him finding a ow

[LilBlondePessimist]

Thanks Justme, I did suspect that being pregnant and sick has made me more irrational than usual. And he will be frustrated, I know this. I know I should talk to him, I just feel a bit awkward about it for some reason (which is also unlike me).

[LilBlondePessimist]

I'd hope he would have more respect for me than that wednesdaygirl.

[vintageviolets]

I would probably have text him this morning, saying

'The Internet history shows exactly what 'jobs' you had to get on with, whilst we were at the doctors. Thanks for that.

I would be pissed off.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I'd have been hurt, too. Do you want to talk to him about it?

[Dahlen]

Well I'd be pissed off. TBH I would expect a decent, considerate husband to undersatnd the fact that the toll of BFing/HG and having the overwhelming share of bringing up small children is extremely unlikely to result in amorous feelings for a while. If more is wanted, then perhaps a few more lie ins and some pampering might help, rather than sulking about having to get up once in a blue moon or dealing with it by watching porn.

[pictish]

Sounds like a harmless enough release of pent up frustration to me.

[AnyFucker]

I am pretty staunchly anti-porn, but even I can see you are BU here

You say you have no problem with porn, it was "mainstream" (which is still horrible but that's for another thread), you watch it together anyway, you know he is frustrated sexually, so I cannot see your problem with this part of your post. In fact, it makes you sound a bit of a hypocrite, tbh.

What should be upsetting you more (and perhaps this is really the root of it) is that you are making yourself have sex that you don't want, he is still having sex on you when he knows you are "sore" (sore ? what kind of man has sex on a woman who is "sore" ???), you are exhausted and feeling undervalued. Sort this out, or should I say, he should sort the fuck out of himself

[Justme23]

OP he will understand.
He's going thought this with you and it's only fair you share how you feel with him.

Do you think you may be feeling awkward because deep down you know you don't really have a reason to be so stressed out at him (even though you are pregnant, and don't really need one :)) ?

[LilBlondePessimist]

My first instinct was to phone him and go mad, because I was truly hurt, but I didn't, and still haven't, as I actually did feel a bit like a hypocrite. I think what upset me was that he did it when he was angry with me. I can't explain exactly what I mean by that. I'm not even sure why myself.

AF, he doesn't 'have sex on me', that's a disgusting term. We, have sex, albeit, it's maybe not the highest thing on my wish list when I'm feeling like this, but I do participate.

Admittedly, I do sometimes feel a bit undervalued, and right now, continually exhausted. Maybe that is the root of it.

[AnyFucker]

yes, it's a disgusting term

I think it's disgusting that he picks and nips at you, and still expects you to be up for sex when he does this, coupled with the fact he must be aware of why your libido is in your boots

[LilBlondePessimist]

No, it's not great that he was picking at me, but it isn't an every day occurrence (thankfully), and I made it patently clear that I didn't find that acceptable.

As for him wanting to have sex - he just wants intimacy, sometimes I think he doesn't realise just how much of a chore it can feel for me just now (I feel bad even typing that), I think he is sometimes hurt when I reject him and although I tell him that it's not that I don't want him, I think he struggles to believe it.

[magicstar1]

Maybe he wanted to give you a break and stop nagging for sex so decided to satisfy himself instead. That way he's not feeling frustrated and horny.
I'd let it go personally.

[Adviceinscotland]

Can we also remember that lilblonde is pg & tired and possibly not being the nicest person to her dh at the moment

I am 9 weeks pg lilblonde and a total crabbit cow, dh 9 times out of ten is great but occasionally will snap back after I am being a hormonal cow.

I would mention to your dh what you found on the laptop but not make a huge deal of it, just say you were surprised how shit it made you feel and hopefully you can both move on.

For what it's worth I'm at the stage where I think I would rather dh visited the old slapper very friendly woman over the road for half a hour a night than come near me (not really but the thought does pop in my head every So often)

[ledkr]

I also dont think its a big deal but i dod think if people were more discret about their porn use their partners wouldnt get hurt.Im not stupid and realise during droughts my dh probably has a wank howver i dodnt particularly want to find a wank sock/mitt or see porn sites in his browser history.As you say to the children "thats private that is!"

[Dahlen]

I don't think the issue is that he's using porn.

I think the issue is that he is abdicating nearly all the responsibility for three children to his heavily pregnant wife who is suffering from severe HG, yet still expects her to be up for sex.

[dequoisagitil]

I expect because you were upset over the row, it hurt more because it made it seem he wasn't bothered and wasn't thinking about it, whereas you were feeling awful.

I think you guys need to talk honestly and calmly. You shouldn't be under pressure to have sex in your situation (and nothing will make you feel less turned on than feeling obliged to), and yet you need to keep the physical intimacy, (perhaps through other acts than PIV and maybe just cuddling without it having to lead to sex). If you can't talk without it ending in a row, perhaps try a couple of sessions of relationship counselling to defuse it.

[glastocat]

I would love to see how horny these men would be if they were pregnant, knackered, with spd etc etc. I bet they would shut up mithering for sex if they had half a clue what it was like. Why do they think their so-called needs trump your discomfort?

[AnyFucker]

good question, glasto

a rather more pertinent one though is, why do women think men's needs trump their own discomfort ?

I had problem pg's (4 of them) and due to various reasons DH had to find a way to do without penetrative sex for up to a year each time. Yes, you read that right

Never once did I feel that was my problem, never once did I do anything I did not want to do, never once did he ever expect me to nor take it out on me when it didn't happen.

[Malificence]

I think it's the fact of him seemingly jumping straight on the computer the minute you walked out of the door that's the main issue here, coupled with the row still hanging over you - if he'd jumped in the shower and done it there, it wouldn't seem so calculated, maybe?
Perhaps he was de-stressing to put himself in a better mood?
I think it's a good time for a chat, he needs to know how hard it is for you emotionally at the moment, if he's generally a decent and supportive partner then he'll understand, perhaps mention you were shocked at how seeing his internet history made you feel and that maybe private browsing is in order from now on? Make him realise that you are missing out on sex and intimacy too, it's not just all about his needs - you are being denied a sex life by your physical limitations, he's still got a sex life, one that doesn't involve you and you're not unreasonable to be hurt by that .

[Nanny0gg]

For one thing it was the timing - you were dealing with your child at the doctors. Had he actually been doing something for the family whilst you went, fair enough. But he wasn't. And I think that was a bit selfish to say the least.

And I think Anyfucker is spot on.

[LilBlondePessimist]

I feel like I've painted him as a monster now :( Yes, he can be a bit inconsiderate, but he's not a bad person. I don't think his needs 'trump' my pain etc, but I do feel that I need to remember he actually has needs, and I don't just mean that in the 'a man has needs^ way, but in emotional, reassurance etc ways also.

We do need to chat, even just to reiterate to him that it's not a bed of roses for me just now.

Oh, and in his defense, he did actually do chores as well as whatever else he did while I was out.

I think it was the fact that I was no sooner out the door (or at least, that certainly didn't help matters).

[Justme23]

OP don't worry, MNers have a tendency to form a lynching party over men. He sounds like he is actually being very understanding of you.

Have you thought of getting a babysitter in and going for dinner, just the two of you, so you can have a proper chat.

Good on you for being so balanced.

[AnyFucker]

oh do shut up, justme, I don't see a "lynching mob" here

that bandwagon is on another thread, there have been several started to hitch a ride on recently

OP, I didn't even ask if he did the chores while you were out, I simply assumed it was so

he may not be a monster (who said that, btw?), but letting constant, low level disrespect of your pain, your discomfort, how hard you are finding things go is a really bad idea

talk to him, tell him perhaps you will feel more up to a shag if he wasn't taking his frustration out on you with petty digs and criticisms when you are doing the best that you can