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Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

LalaDipsey Tue 01-Jan-13 20:27:36

Hi All. We had a lovely Christmas. Got off to my parents in good time Xmas day, H followed in his car, stayed for an hour then went to his sisters. Alledgedly told her everything but I very much doubt it. I and dc stayed at my parents for 2 nights and it was bliss. Got back about 4.15 on the 27th. H unloaded the car for me, then spent about 10 mins with dc before going downstairs to his office. At 5pm he started to get changed so I asked if he was going out. When he said yes I had to ask him to watch the children whilst I unpacked for ten minutes so I would be able to put them to bed (imagine how much I had to pack for 2 babies plus 1 toddler plus me for 2 nights!). Anyway, he did that then went out. Until about 11.30pm. Spent much of the next day recovering. I had a streaming cold on Friday so he went to the pub at 4.30 to be no help with dinner and bed and he spent all day in bed Saturday whilst I was ill with the children. Hammered last night - wanting to 'talk', coming out with loads of crap I can't even be bothered to repeat - most of it about money. Then today - hungover and grump. Made dd cry.
Anyway - the good thing about his twattish behaviour is that I have moved my stance from wanting a separation to wanting a divorce. ASAP.
I have realised how STUPID I was not to click why he didn't want to move out until March - because he thought he could do his annual 'It's January so I'll cut down on my drinking a bit and Lala will forgive me and let me stay. It will all be ok again as things always get better in January when I don't drink as much'
Well, you know what, that attitude makes me FUCKING ANGRY!!!! So, 10 months of me telling him how his drinking made me feel, how it was spending sooo much money. how it changed him around the children, how I needed him to stop, how it was ruining his health, how if he didn't stop we would be over. All that and it wasn't enough but hey ho the calendar clicking over to Jan 1st and THAT is enough for him to change??????!!!! TWAT!!!! angry

Been lurking for a while and had wondered how you were getting on. Sounds as if your mind is made up which is great. Keep positive. This year will be the year for you and your children.x

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:38:08

So when is he leaving??

LalaDipsey Tue 01-Jan-13 20:47:06

I need to decide plan of action. I need money off him for a credit card bill and I need to pay for my next OU course. So I do that before filing for divorce?
Also now think he was paying lip service to moving out and I am not sure what telling him I want a divorce will do to him moving out. He may consult a solicitor and then refuse to leave. It may make him go quicker. I don't know MrsTomHardy when he will go. I can't see into the future, but I hope it will be soon.

Amothersruin Tue 01-Jan-13 20:47:56

and yet he is still there....

LalaDipsey Tue 01-Jan-13 20:50:06

I can lie if you like? Yes he's gone. Went Xmas eve. Happy?

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:51:25

Well I would make your plan of action a very quick one. You've wasted so much time already....
Once you are finally free of him you will wonder what took you so long .

Amothersruin Tue 01-Jan-13 20:57:55

each day you are procrastinating you are subjecting your dcs to his abuse...

dippyDoohdah Tue 01-Jan-13 21:19:26

lala,, great to hear you sounding so resolute x

LalaDipsey Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:39

He is barely here. Only abuse is to me really he spends most of his time in pub or in bed. The dc are not suffering daily abuse. If anything then neglect I guess from H.
Please stop expecting me to be bloody perfect superwoman kick him out instantly. I am not. I am a sleep deprived normal mum who is struggling with the breakdown of a 19 year old relationship in which I have barely ever stood up for myself or challenged him in recent years and this is moving at my pace. I do not take ending a marriage lightly. I know it's happening but if I do it because you have told me rather than because i feel it I will not have conviction and he willnot believe me. You may not believe it but I am doing my best and what I don't want to do is now piss him off so much that he refuse to go to spite me. You forget I cannot legally get him out.

wheredidiputchristmas Wed 02-Jan-13 08:42:47

Lala, please don't stress about what some people write on here. They are not you, they are not living in your life.

You do need to this at your pace and what right for you. You have come a long way since last August when you were still trying to make your marriage work. If it takes another 3 mths then so be it. Your are still moving in the direction you want to go.

I think you need to post on Legal advice on here and see what the experts say.
There must be a way to get him out and at his sister's or something so you can file for Divorce.

Have you got a solicitor?
No one is expecting this to happen instantly. Infact you have had nothing but support for about a year. You are getting pissed off with the wrong people here. Look into tax credits etc and what you are entitled to. Who cares if you piss him off??! So you walk on eggshells further for a selfish arse who spent less than an hour with his small children over Christmas? Get bloody angry!! Get his family involved and get him out.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Wed 02-Jan-13 14:31:59

Stay strong Lala and do things at your own pace, however you need to. Don't be pushed into anything you don't want.

You are doing so well and being so strong.

loveisagirlnameddaisy Wed 02-Jan-13 19:10:06

anothersruin so not helpful.

Lala, have lurked for ages and am so pleased to see that you are starting off 2013 with a clear resolution as to what you want to do. I have no experience of divorce or the legalities and your best course of action but the legal boards are a good place to start.

I also have a streaming cold and only 2 children to look after with a great DP who helps me and I still feel like shite. Can't believe he is so utterly selfish to stand by and watch you struggle on. Stupid arsehole.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Wed 02-Jan-13 20:00:30

If you have not been following Lala's story over the last year then please be thoughtful about what you are saying. Lala has struggled, but has step by step moved forward to ending this relationship. I am sure she would not mind me saying that the length of this process has been what it is as abusive and manipulative relationships are VERY difficult to address and move on from. Lala has always been very honest and open to listening to advice and over time has taken on board this advice to help her move forward. Berating her is not very helpful. I have enormous respect for Lala in being brave enought to post here with such honesty and she deserves some respect back for that. If she had not used this forum I am sure she would still be stuck.

Lala - good on you! Those rose tinted glasses are falling away and you are gathering strength. Ignore some of these posts and remember how far you have come. I can not believe you are still standing after all the full time care you give your tribe under such difficult circumstances. This in its self demonstrates your guts. This was never going to be a quick process for you - it's as if you have had de-brief or un- brainwash yourself. Keep strong and keep going and NEVER feel like you have to lie to us. Xxxx

LalaDipsey Wed 02-Jan-13 21:47:10

Aw thankyou huge hugs xxxx
It is definitely a form of brainwashing I think. Despite what a twat he has been, today he has been stand-offish, non-confrontational and I can feel myself wanting to 'please him' and make it all ok. I start the freedom programme 2 weeks tomorrow so maybe that will help. Also am planning a holiday with my parents in July to either Butlins or a Haven caravan park so that will be something to really look forward to! (my mum can't believe she may end up in Butlins after managing to avoid it for all these years!! We are hoping a sexy Secret Millionaire will be doing undercover work and fall for me and me him......!). Anyway I digress, in terms of legal bits and finances I have a solicitor, I cannot make him leave the house - we own it jointly so legally until a divorce where I am awarded the house, he is entitled to stay and I cannot make him go. I know what benefits I will be entitled to and what he has to pay.
I now have to talk to him again (the bit I always find most difficult as I freeze up, don't say what I want to or need to and get confused), push as hard as I can without sending him over the edge for a leaving date and then decide whether I need to file for divorce now to get him put or whether it will be easier to get him out if he thinks it's just a separation. A couple of times he has said he will go immediately if it's over for good, if I don't love him anymore but I actually think he will dig in and refuse to go in that case until we divorce. Hard one to call.
Thankyou for your supporting posts - thankyou and especial big thanks to Secret - I have some amazing RL friends - thankyou for always saying the right thing and being a fab cyber-friend (& can you brain-swap with me and have the next conversation with H?!)

SecrectFarleysNibbler Wed 02-Jan-13 23:10:13

Hurrah to the holiday! Use a bit of NLP and pretend to be one of us next time you have to talk to him. Always happy to help. Hat off to you Lala! Xx

Amothersruin Thu 03-Jan-13 00:03:47

Change the locks and leave his clothes on the doorstep. If he calls the police then tell them the truth-he has been abusive to you and your dcs. He wont be allowed back into family home. Stop acting as of all this is just "happening" to you-you are allowing him to dictate things. He wont change. EVER. Its over. good luck.

LalaDipsey Thu 03-Jan-13 00:54:02

Amothersruin - the police would tell me to let him back in. I have taken legal advice. He has not done enough to warrant an occupation order. He co-owns the house.

mathanxiety Thu 03-Jan-13 06:42:53

She can't change the locks. They are jointly on the deeds. In a perfect world that would be - well that solution would be perfect. But it is not a perfect world.

What you could do Lala, is not do any cooking or laundry for him at all and tell him to set up a camp bed for himself in his study.

You could also consider an intervention with your parents and his sister telling him he needs to set a date to leave as anything that involves him remaining there until the two of you are divorced would be ridiculous. I know I have suggested this before and I know you have reasons to be hmm about it, but if one of those reasons is that you need him to pay for certain essentials to your life there are ways of making him support you in the interim between separating and filing, and maybe your parents could help out too?

bbface Thu 03-Jan-13 07:59:30

Lala, another one here who has lurked and willed you on from afar.

Do not dignify amothersruin post. FGS the woman's posts are clearly informed from tv dramas. No sense of reality. She probably copies and pastes her posts and just plonks them in any abuse thread.
Good luck. Xxxx

legoqueen Thu 03-Jan-13 08:07:14

Lala is doing incredibly well...she is living this...still rooting for you, Lala

mentlejen Thu 03-Jan-13 09:45:24

Another lurker and well wished here... Ignore the oh-so-unhelpful contributions if you can. You're moving ever forward at your pace - that's what matters. The distance you've travelled is immense and there are so many mnetters standing behind you. Keep on keeping on! X

Repetitiverobot Thu 03-Jan-13 19:01:39

Happy New Year LaLa and happy new you!!!
It's mummybussy under a new name. I've posted occasionally and have followed your threads from the start! Im so glad you are posting again, I was thinking of you all over Xmas and hoped you had a relaxing time... As much as you can over Xmas with kids lol.
Please ignore certain posters who don't have the full picture/facts and are clearly living the dream perfect, oh so easy life themselves, that's its a walk in the park to end a 19yr relationship with 3 small children in tow!!
You have done amazingly over the past few months and have taken huge steps considering the lack of day to day support you receive. I'm actually in awe of your inner strength and fear I'd have crumbled in a similar situation.
Anyway just wanted to continue to wish you well and let you know you have a huge amount of support on here, so continue to find strength from us. xx

LalaDipsey Thu 03-Jan-13 21:05:15

Hiya mummybussy lovely to see you here hope you're Xmas and new year great.
Thankyou for cheering me on. I have just had another 'mute' night where I thought I was all psyched up to say something (ESP as my mum has booked us a holiday! Yay!) but I have just ignored him instead. Can make excuse that I am v tired again - munchkins didn't let me sleep more than 10 minutes before 3am and 3hrs continual screaming from DTS was not fun (why?!why?!) but actually I just turn into a coward sometimes. But I have changed inwardly in that I know the conversation will happen. Ok so not tonight, but it will.
Does this 'muteness' strike a chord with anyone else from an EA relationship? If so how do you overcome it?

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