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Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

mathanxiety Sat 08-Dec-12 19:55:26

*If he says rightyho when he hears your plans and that they do not involve him, then do not mention the possibility of him visiting and do not express any concern about where he will spend Christmas.

*The plan with your parents extending a frosty invitation for a specific time is only for the eventuality of him expressing a desire to be there too or expressing the assumption that he will be there too.

LalaDipsey Sun 09-Dec-12 21:34:50

Thanks. Gosh math, if I could body-swap with you for a weekend you would have me thoroughly sorted out. You are so strong and determined! I'm trying to channel you but it's not going that well!
So, I initiated conversation Friday, confirmed I wanted him to move out. That we needed to sort Xmas. He was fine, pleasant, yes he did try and talk me round, blamed me for his drinking again etc. He looked at some flats online (honestly, I think more 'for show' than actual intent). I felt I had asserted myself but that he still doesn't quite believe I mean it.
Yday afternoon he went to pub. Back 9pm. Pissed. Waffled on. How much he loves me, fancies me, he will tell his family everything - all his fault. How there has to be anothe way, this doesn't feel right but if it's what i want he will go, he'll be gone by the end of March (??!!??!!), he asked if I still loved him, said he would go tomorrow if I didn't love him anymore. I couldn't say it damn it. in the end he said he would go if it was the only chance of saving the marriage. I said it was (sorry!), that I needed space and time. 6 months without him here. He said he would desperately miss dc (1st time they've been mentioned!) and when would he see them? Saturdays? And would he be able to stay over when he came? He ended up saying he wasn't going to give up trying to change my mind but that he would go.

So, I kind of did ok. I didn't back down that he must move out. I did tell him I had seen a solicitor. I just wasn't super-mathanxiety-firm!

Lala tell him whatever he wants to hear if it gets him out of the house.

Do not back down , you are doing so well, but you will not move forward unless he is gone, he needs to know you are serious and get out.

mathanxiety Sun 09-Dec-12 22:41:13

The irony of him talking about loving you and missing the DCs upon return drunk from the pub wasn't missed on you I hope.

Don't worry about saying the wrong thing to him here -- he doesn't listen anyway.

Try emailing.

You need to present him with a list of bedsits to choose from and you need a temporary visitation agreement and temporary financial settlement, so your tasks are:

(1) Hire a solicitor and get things rolling.
Hammering out financial details takes time and the sooner you get started the better. You need a temp financial settlement in place for when he leaves.
Nothing will concentrate H's mind like requests from the sol for his financial statement.

No unsupervised visitation as he is an alcoholic. Since the DCs are young only at most 2 hours for a visit and visits should not be at home but in an appropriate other place. Don't let him talk you into visiting them at home or doing bathtime etc. Don't be tempted to feel sorry for him, 'missing the DCs', which is belied by his drinking.

(2) get a list of 5-6 bedsits together.
He is not going to find himself a place.

(3) Call his sister and tell her all.

MrsTomHardy Mon 10-Dec-12 08:18:47

Just say whatever to get him out the house.
Do not let him visit DC in the house, and def not stay over!

Just pack his bags and get rid!!

LalaDipsey Mon 10-Dec-12 09:51:42

Just had a little chat now before he left. He is going to take some holiday in Jan and look for somewhere to live. He even said 'I know we've discussed it and it seems the right thing to do'
I know this will fluctuate loads but it does seem to be sinking in with him.

wheredidiputchristmas Mon 10-Dec-12 12:17:27

Keep strong Lala, just keep repeating that he has to go soon. You will not change your mind as you need to protect your dc.

hillyhilly Mon 10-Dec-12 13:10:15

You're doing so well Lala, just keep calm, quiet and unemotional but keep repeating the same message over & over so he doesn't see a chink

Aussiebean Mon 10-Dec-12 20:01:28

Go Lala. That's great. And even if he becomes a model dad, stil make it clear that he has to move out. If he didn't want to be a model dad before, he shouldn't want to be one now, just because he is losing his cushy life.

mathanxiety Tue 11-Dec-12 04:02:56

It took me exactly one week of looking online and visits to two likely looking places, to find somewhere for myself and four DCs to rent when I had a date for the buyers to move into my house when I sold it. When I say one week, that week was also spent packing and sorting and and taking care of daily family needs. He doesn't need a holiday to do this. He could have a place sorted by next Tuesday if he set his mind to it.

MrsTomHardy Tue 11-Dec-12 08:00:26

Agree with Math.
The longer he stays in the house the harder it will be to get him out. Surely u can see this!!

mathanxiety Sat 15-Dec-12 04:28:07

The order to do this is:
Set a date in stone for moving out
Look for a place available on or just before that date
(Criteria: habitable and cheap, preferably furnished)
Sort and pack
Move

Not:
Take a holiday and browse online for places when he has no moving date in mind. That is guaranteed to end with no suitable place found because the quality of the places available will become the excuse not to choose one and not to move.

wheredidiputchristmas Sat 15-Dec-12 07:51:01

Hope you have had an OK week Lala.

Stay strong.

LalaDipsey Sun 16-Dec-12 18:58:46

Hi. Sorry for lack of updates - DTs have had s&d AGAIN and DD had another ear infection so I've been back to no sleep.
Anyway, surely 2013 will be my year?!
So, H has told his sister hurrah!!! And he was pretty truthful (considering). He said that we weren't 'clicking' so had decided to separate for a while. That I had a problem with his drinking and he wanted me to be warmer and we couldn't resolve it. She asked him something and he said 'no, I've not been violent but I have upset Lala a couple of times'
So, all in all good. Still have to get a date in stone and talk financials (my fault for not pushing) but progress is being made.
Oh, and Xmas he is going to come to my parents for a couple of hours and then goto his sisters. Which is great because that, more than anything, defines separation I think?!

wheredidiputchristmas Sun 16-Dec-12 19:31:06

Sorry you have all been ill again (wasn't chasing for an update, just checking you were ok).

I glad he told his sister what happening although not the complete truth * She asked him something and he said 'no, I've not been violent but I have upset Lala a couple of times'* I take it he didn't mention his behaviour to your DC.

Does he still think He said that we weren't 'clicking' so had decided to separate for a while. and not a permentant split.

LalaDipsey Sun 16-Dec-12 20:06:03

Tbh I just want him to go and I can have the 'is this forever or a trial separation' conversation after. I have said I need space, I need time apart and the only thing which could make me reconsider is him stopping drinking with help (AA or similar). He has said he won't do this so why he thinks we may get bck together I don't know!
We have just had a brief chat. I think it may well be Feb before he goes but I'm ok with that (I know you'll all shout at me but I'd rather he goes amicably in Feb then I insist on Jan, he kicks off, consults a solicitor who says I can't make him leave and then he doesn't go at all!!). It means in about 8-10 weeks I will have peace smile
How are you all? Ready for Christmas? Thankyou for supporting me this year. I really think that without you lot I would still be living with him being a daily abusive twat and not told my friends and family. And whilst things aren't fully resolve yet, they are getting there.

mathanxiety Sun 16-Dec-12 21:51:42

He is saying this is temporary and not telling his sister the whole truth because he won't admit he has burned his boats in no uncertain fashion.

He is also minimising the drinking problem.

This has nothing to do with you not being 'warm' hmm or 'upsetting' you 'a few times', is it? It is about him being an alcoholic who does not lift a finger to parent his own children or support you in parenting them, which is the next option he should have chosen. He opted for the only thing that brings him joy.

Glad you will go to your parents' for Christmas and that he will only be there a few hours and has made the arrangement to go to his sister's.

Onward and upward for 2013!

hillyhilly Mon 17-Dec-12 09:18:05

Good progress Lala, they may be baby steps but they're all in the right direction, esp Christmas Day.
Hope you're all on the mend and have a happy and healthy Christmas.

LalaDipsey Tue 18-Dec-12 17:57:46

Hi. Well just to log - H is away with work Weds, Thurs & Fri this week. Today he had worked from home. I had a student on placement helping today until 5.15, but just before she left H went to the pub. Prime opportunity for him to spend an hour or so with dc before he is away for 4 days but oh no!
He has booked holiday in Feb to find a flat but also says he will start to look at them whilst out and about with work

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Tue 18-Dec-12 18:39:46

He is going to take some holiday in Jan and look for somewhere to live.

He has booked holiday in Feb to find a flat but also says he will start to look at them whilst out and about with work

he will tell his family everything - all his fault.

he was pretty truthful (considering). He said that we weren't 'clicking' so had decided to separate for a while. That I had a problem with his drinking and he wanted me to be warmer and we couldn't resolve it.

Lovely lady, I wish I had your patience and fortitude.

mathanxiety Tue 18-Dec-12 21:42:20

Lala, your threads can serve as a good record of times he skipped off to the pub/was incapacitated in case he pleads the fond father and tries to get a visitation schedule up and running. You should keep a record of these times, and see if you can identify how much money is spent on booze that he drinks at home.

zxcv123 Wed 19-Dec-12 08:30:51

Glad that you have got Christmas sorted for you and the DCs. You are right - having a father only visit his DCs for a short period on Christmas Day is a very strong signal to everyone that you are now separated. It's a shame that this momentum isn't going to be continued after Christmas though. I'm thinking in particular of your DD1 who is old enough to be able to see what is going on and who deserves that both her parents sit down with her and explain how things are going to be going forward. Obviously you can only do this when you know yourself...but the sooner the better I would say.

FiercePanda Sat 22-Dec-12 00:25:16

Good luck Lala. You're on the right path. Stay strong, don't waver, and don't let him get under your skin. Take advantage of the support you will get from your mum and family. Watch how happy your DCs are when H isn't there. You have made the right decision. I hope he leaves soon.

wheredidiputchristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 12:39:36

LALA

I hope you and your dc have had a nice christmas with your parents, and your H behaved himself.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Dec-12 15:42:26

Any news Lala? How are things going? Hope everyone is well again.

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