Marriage Breakdown

[Eversosorry]

Hi everyone, my wife told me about this site a few years back when we had our first daughter, and I thought some of you ladies (and gents) may be able to help me out with some advice, because i really am in a bit of a mess.
I met my wife nearly seven years ago, and we have been married for five years. We have two beautiful little girls aged 4 1/2 and 2yrs, who I love dearly.
I love my wife with all my heart, but I have always been rubbish at opening up and showing my true feelings.
This sunday just passed, my wife told me that she wants to split up and that i need to move out of the house. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
She has fired a couple of warning shots across my bow before in the past, and i have made an effort for a few weeks and slipped back into my old routine!
basically I work long hours, and I'm often away once or twice a week, with one or two weeks away around the globe. I've buried myself in work, especially for the past couple of years, and I really haven't paid my wife or my girls as much attention as I should have done.
My wife suffers from anxiety and after she gave birth to our second daughter, she began to lose her hair from alopecia.
She says she still loves me dearly, and that she would die for me, but she's just had enough and has felt so lonely for two years.
Like I said this has hit me really hard, much harder than any other relationship breakdown. I've just turned 40 and have decided to change my life around. I've booked in for a session with a Relate councellor on saturday, and I've got hypnotherapy booked to help me give up smoking - and I'm going to start working out at the gym (something that my wife loves to do and has been trying to get me to do for ages). I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for myself and my kids, to demonstrate to her that I mean business.
My wife is on anti-depressants, and has been for a year or more - they are definitely not helping her, and it's almost as though she is bipolar. I'm really worried about her, and I would do anything to turn back the clock.
I basically haven't helped out in the mornings, I've neglected her, and I've not listened to her cries for help - and now i am paying the price.
If I could turn back the clock i'd tell her every day that I love her, I'd get up at the same time as her and help out with the girls.
I've been a fool, and i really don't know what to do.
I'm going to honour her wishes and move out so she can try to sort her head out. She said I can have the girls and see them as often as i like - that's not a problem.
I just love her so much, and it's killing me... Help!!!

[numbertaker]

Go to relate, and do your best. You also have to realise that perfection does not exist. My husband gets up, gets ready for work and goes out the door. I personally don't have a problem with this, I am the one to who stays at home, and yes I have had PND, and suffered from anxiety, still do. The freedom comes in accepting fault, finding a way forward and sticking to it.

You will find relate a great help IF you go and are prepared to hear anything and NOT take offence.

Go for it, we have all messed up, what is important is that you want to fix it. However, you have to mean it, or they will see through it.

[Eversosorry]

I've booked myself in for a session with relate on saturday. My wife won't come, she says that we're beyond counselling. I'm hoping that maybe in a few weeks she might have a change of heart.
The thing that hurts the most is that I know she really does love me. She was crying when she ended it all Sunday, she said she'd die for me, that I could see the kids whenever I want, that she'd never say a bad word to them about me.
I know she needs space to try and sort her head out, I just long for her to give me that last chance to prove to her how much she and kids mean to me. I'm sure we could work through it if she agreed to come to Relate with me.

[numbertaker]

Well, I was adamant that my marriage was over and my husband wanted me to to go relate, at first I did not want to and resisted. Well it did save my marriage. 10 years on we are still together with another child. Go by yourself, even if your wife will not go, you sound like you need to get some help to prioritse stuff in your life.

Hey most of us have bad examples of how to be parents/partners from our own parents, mine where a car crash, take this as a oppertunity to wake up and to change, whatever the outcome.

[puds11]

This is a very sad story. I really feel for both of you, but i can completely understand where your wife is coming from. Is it possible that she is hoping this shick will give you the kick up the arse you need?

[amillionyears]

oh heck.I would do what she wants at this point in time by going to relate on your own.
And I would do a lot of what she wants,with not much disagreement, for the forseeable.Sounds like you owe her that at least.
Good luck,but dont forget,that at the moment,she has reached the end of the line.

[Greatauntirene]

I was a sahm with a DH who worked away alot and v long hours. I can remember telling him he didn't care, wasn't considering me, I was lonely all day on my own etc etc .

Now realise 30 years on that the problem wasn't really DH but me and my inablility to form friendships and a fulfilling life. Ok being a SAHM with small DCs is soul destroying and confidence sapping but really, she could get childminders and go back to uni, get a part time job, take up a sport, etc etc.
Though some of this does depend on being financially able to pay.

Presuming she can pay then she should find her own life enhancing interests (though don't dispute that it isn't easy with small DCs) for when you are away.

Though you also need to do your bit with DCs and make time for you both as a couple. I wouldn't move out yet.

[Eversosorry]

wow, thank you all so much. You have really lifted my spirits. I am going to move out because that what she wants at this moment in time. What I have neglected to metion is that I am a magazine publisher. I was an editor for years, then I bought the magazine and set up a company in February - which is another reason why I've been so snowed under with work.

I had to set up an office in our living room - desk, computer, printer etc, and I think that really hasn't helped. Also, I'm at a point now where everything is running smoothly. I figure that if I move the business out of our home and my wife gets her living room back - that will take away a lot of the stress in the house too.

I am now in a position where I can work 9 to 5, monday to friday, and make do with going away say three nights in a month. If my wife ever finds it in her heart to have another stab at our life together, then I can then devote more of my time to my family, which is what i should have done two years ago - but I was too blind to see it.

[izzyizin]

It sounds as if your dw is at the end of her tether and, in asking you to leave, she's making one last desperate plea for you to listen to her and get the fuck off your self-absorbed and self-entitled planet and get into the real world of your marriage.

If you don't mean business, leave.

If you do mean business, stay and fulfil the promises you've made to yourself to start being a hands-on dh and parent.

And tell her you love her every day in a spontaneous manner and without any expectation of sex that she'll receiprocate.

[mcmooncup]

Turning back the clock is impossible (and it sounds like this has been going on for more than 2 years). I don't blame your wife for her feelings, I would be the same.
Why did you think you were so entitled to do what you liked without any consideration for your family?

[mcmooncup]

And does your wife use MN?

[something2say]

I think - eat humble pie, get up with the kids, stop work at a decent hour, cook the food, sort the kids, let her sit down, do it all for a good length of time. When she talks, listen, and don't interrupt or try to make it better. If she says shye feels this or that, let it be this or that, don't try to change it, let her express who she is now. Only when she has got it off her chest, will it pass on, so let her say when she is ready to let things pass on and new things come out.

So many men expect to live their lives and just have a door mat at home and then wonder why today's intelligent woman isn't satisfied with this. The boring chores are not her responsibility alone, they are yours too.

But if she loves you as much as you say she does, she may come back, and this may be the beginning of change for your family.

Also, you are going to get the chance to get to know your little girls, dressing them, bathing them, feeding them, reading them stories, putting therm to bed etc. Just don't start doing it and then stop.

Good luck to you, I hope it works out.

[Eversosorry]

Okay, so I have always helped to put my little girls to bed, at least two or three times a week when i am there. I also do all the cooking in the house, my wife has cooked I think a dozen meals in 7 years. I also bath the kids - they love it because i let them cover me in water! I tidy and clean the kitchen quite regularly, and i run the hoover around every now and then too. I even put the odd load of washing on. I'm not one of these 'do absolutely nothing' husbands, just someone who obviously hasn't done enough to meet my wife's expectations.
I'm sure she'll realise exactly how much i did do when I move out.

I haven't been that bad a father. I have always spent a little time with the girls, and read them stories at night, helped to dress them in the morning every now and then, just not enough. What we haven't done too much of is going out as a family unit very often. We have been out as a family, but not often enough.
@McMooncup - I have no idea if my wife is on here. I think she used to be, which why I knew about it.

[Eversosorry]

last week i was quite ill with a chest infection and athsma. On friday i was well on the mend, and my wife said "i know what will make you better - some rumpy pumpy at the weekend".
On saturday I took my two girls to the funfair in Southend On Sea where i grew up to give my wife the day off. Then, on sunday evening, when my wife came home from work (she works mondays and sunday afternoons), she finished with me!
I'm really quite worried about the state of her mind and I'm sure the anti depressants aren't helping her. She is fine one minute and gone the next. I have lists of texts from her on my phone. One from a month ago where I had had a horrible dream that she had left me. I told her about it and she texted back that she loved me, the children love me, she would never leave me - it took her long enough to find me!
Two weeks ago, another text 'I miss you, I missed missing you, I can't wait till you get home tomorrow night....'
You can see why I'm so worried and upset?

[longjane]

I am sorry
you say you cook and your wife has only made a dozen meals in the last 7 years

but
you go away 2 times a week and you do long hours

are you sure you cook breakfast lunch and dinner everyday?
but a side from this

I hope you can fix you marriage
atleast you will both get a taste of doing the child care alone

[mcmooncup]

You are saying your wife is "up and down", yet you also say that you change your behaviour for a few weeks, then return to type. Can you see there may be a connection here?

Also, there is a lot of " I do x......when I am around"

[blueshoes]

Ever, I don't think you spend much less time with your dcs than my dh does with his dcs, though my dh travels. Of course you can only do things when you are there. But it sounds like you are pretty much hands on when you are.

Your wife works very very pt. It would be expected that if she were to be at home most of the time that the bulk of the childcare and housework will fall on her. Your dcs are young, but it is only 2 and presumably the older one goes to nursery some of the time?

The issue sounds largely like it stems from your wife's anxiety and mental health issues. That does not make it any easier. But I just did not want you to beat yourself up.

I feel your pain that this hit you like a bolt from the blue.

[mcmooncup]

blueshoes - the OP himself has admitted his behaviour has been bad. Why do you feel the need to minimise this?

We have no clue as to why the DW has anxiety and mental health issues, and there is no indication in the OP that they have contributed to the breakdown - just the OP's selfish and entitled behaviour, that he himself says he wishes he could change.

[blueshoes]

Nobody is perfect in a marriage. OP was not perfect but it did not sound like it was bad enough for his wife to leave him without warning on those grounds alone.

He was working hard on his business and bringing home a crust, not playing around. It would not be beyond the pale to suggest that his wife could have been more understanding.

[mcmooncup]

Sounds to me like the DW tried on many occasions to talk to her DH about how his selfishness affected her (hence his periodic brief changes in behaviour), and then he chose to ignore that. That is marriage wrecking behaviour. So really, how understanding should the little wifey be just because he earns a crust?

[blueshoes]

How about the wifey taking responsibility for her loneliness and getting a job that pays more (so that he does not have to be the sole breadwinner) or finding friends or hobbies to occupy herself. She cannot expect her husband to bring home practically all the dosh as well as her constant companion. He helps out at the home when he is around. He cannot be around all the time because he is supporting the family.

The reason she cannot take some responsibility for her happiness (I assume) is her mental health issues.

[mcmooncup]

No, he is following his dream. To the detriment of his family.

[blueshoes]

Mooncup, you really do extrapolate.

[mcmooncup]

Not really, just don't make excuses for over-entitled selfish men who refuse to listen to their wives for years on end, then wonder why the marriage fails.

[blueshoes]

Or for (but for their mental health issues what would be) selfish wives who don't even give counselling a go and deprive their children of growing up in the same house as their father because they were 'lonely' and left all the changing to their dh.

[carernotasaint]

He helps out


This is the problem we still seem to have in society today. When the man does something in the house its seen as "helping out" the phrase itself intimates that its still seen as the womans job.
Its not "helping out" to look after YOUR OWN KIDS.