Uh oh MIL troubles, advice needed please!

[mangomadness]

Firstly I'm on my phone so apologies for any strange spelling etc!

Basically I can't stand MIL and don't want her near me. She's very nearly pushed me over the edge into PND and my marriage has become shaky because of her. DH knows that she is a problem but won't, or can't, really do anything. My DD is 8 weeks old, our first child.

She is extremely overbearing and controlling. For example at 6 months pg with SPD I was made to go to her house and with DH cook lunch for FIL birthday. My dogs had to go to even though one of them had terrible car sickness, she'd vomit at least 3 times on a 15 min journey. I really didn't want to as I felt rotten but was made to go by DH who'd been guilt tripped by his mum. I was told that I'd have to tell my late fiancee's mother that I was pg. I thought it was none of MIL business and she should keep her nose out. Nearly MIL has contact with MIL as she sees her at gym.

Before DD was born I was informed that MIL would be first in the room to see me, straight away, then DH was handed a list of times it was ok to phone to tell her I'd given birth. DH stood up to her a little bit and said that she could only come once me and baby were ok. But she told him that was rubbish.

Maybe I should say that DH is not close to his family, prefers them to keep out of his business etc. Up until recently they seemed to respect this.

MIL tells people who come into her workplace who know DH and me personal details about our lives. I think that this is inappropriate, I don't like it as if I wanted them to know I'd tell them myself. It's like she has to have ownership of my life.

When they came to visit at the hospital she came charging at me whilst I was feeding DD, luckily I'd grabbed a muslin, and tried to snatch het off me!

She phoned our house 6 times a day when we were home even though DH had said that we wanted some quiet and we'd be in touch. Then phonecalls demanding taking our dog out started! Bearing in mind she'd seen DD lots. It was then said that I'd never let her see DD once DH went back to work. Several other nasty comments were made about me. She has a GS born a week before DD.who lives hundreds of miles away and she doesn't pull this shit on them.

Whenever she sees DD she pokes her to get her to open her eyes for a photo. She pulled up a chair and sat leaning over DD shouting and poking at her for her photo! She gave DD and me tonsillitus. This has resulted in DD being taken to emergency docs 3 times as she was struggling to breathe, she's had oral thrush for the past 4/5 weeks due to me having to have antib's. It damned near finished me off having to bf when I was so physically weak I couldn't pick her up. She refused to leave our house unless she got to hold DD. They were here for over a hour even though I kept saying how tired I was. Out of earshot of DH she made bitchy comments to me that I was too shocked by to reply. Such as "well maybe I'll recognise her next time I get to see her". It had been two days! She'd seen her on Mon and this was said on weds.

She's been trying to drive a wedge inbetween DH and myself. Making out that I'm evil and irrational. Convinced DH that he should make me take DD to a late evening concert when she's poorly. I told him to fuck off and no way was she being taken out in the wet to be in a cold church with loud music. I also told him to go back and live with his bloody mother as he obviously values her over me and DD.

There's lots more but she's ruined my first month of motherhood. Phonecalls at 11 at night demanding to come around the next day!

DH is so overpowered by her that he can't see that anything's wrong. In all honesty they don't have much to offer my DD, all they do is sit and watch tv. That's not what I want for my child.

I was told last night that I have to see her. I don't want to.

How do I cope? How do I get DH to put us first?

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

you poor thing. You need to speak to your husband and tell him all of this. Dont answer the phone - get caller ID if you dont already and if it is their number ignore.

Dont let her ruin any more special time with your new baby.

Congratulations, you sound overwhelmed with that horror of a mil.

[olgaga]

In answer to your question, it doesn't sound like you are ever going to get him to put you first!

Do you really want this kind of life? Is there anywhere you can go to take refuge from this horrible situation? Friends? Family? If so I wouldn't hesitate.

You sound as though you're at the end of your tether and I don't blame you. Sorry if this sounds rather negative but you seem pretty assertive despite the difficulties and if you're not getting through, and your wishes are constantly being undermined or ignored, what other solution is there except to get the hell out of there?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi

Hun so sorry to hear all this, I think I have read the other thread on the tosilitus bit. Whan hubs goes out, pack his tuff and leve it outside then lock the door or change the locks, he need a big shock to bring him to his senses,
or go to your family, you cannot continue to live like this,

to be honest this needs some fairly brutal tactics, and I know you may not be up to this, if you cannot manage it get someone round who can help you with the practicalities ie packling his stuff etc. as ill as you are, thuis wont stop till you make it, ide be looking into restraining orders by now, but then again i kick twice as hard when attacked.

good luck x

[vitaminC]

I think this is your husband's problem to deal with, not your problem with MIL!

You need to get your husband into some kind of counselling - both couples counselling to get him to understand how the situation is affecting you and your relationship with each other, but also individual counselling to help him learn how to deal with his mother!

I'm so sorry you've got off to such a shaky start to motherhood. You really do need to nip this in the bud now, though

[GoranisGod]

I dont understand how they are getting into your house-is your dp not at work? if so then just lock the door,leave the key in the lock and unplug your phone.

You have my sympathy as I have a mil who likes to dictate what people do around her. It has taken me 16 years to finally start standing up to her. Dont be a fool like me-get your dh told now that you and your dd are his number 1 priority.

[pumpkinsweetie]

You have my sympathy, my mil is also toxic.
When i gave birth to dd4 my mum was to be babysitting my dc whilst in was in labour but she was adamant the day was to be all about her and completely took over when i got home!-she didn't make one cup of tea and even bought my niece with her-my mum or me were not impressed considering she didn't leave until 7pm that night and i was trying to breastfeed so didn't want extra company, especially unhelpful company at that!
Found out recently she has been forking out for her other gks highschool uniform at £250 each yet my kids didn't get nothing.
I also found out she sat back and watchd my dh get beaten by fil as a child.
Dh is treated completely differently to my sils, they treat him like shit and expect gifts & insult him yet sil are bought lavish stuff and treated to take-aways.
My pil are awful

So many of these toxic mil cowbags are talked about on mumsnet, i just hope i never turn into one when my kids are older!

[Mumsyblouse]

Oh dear, I have one of these MIL.

The thing is: they are very rude. So you have to be very rude back. So- as someone else said, lock the door and ask them to phone before visiting. Decide what you consider a fair amounts of visits (preferably once a week or less) and stick to that. Get caller display and breezily say you won't be answering the phone when feeding. For things like the church/events/unreasonable requests: just say no very bluntly. Repeat as necessary.

And- your husband needs to be on board, ready to defend you and make you the family unit. Your happiness and your babies's happiness has to come first now, even if he did think you were being unreasonable (which you are not).

Spell it out to him: if you don't start supporting me soon, and laying some ground rules for your mother, it will affect our marriage. Do you want that?

Being tough now pays off in the long run, now if I say 'no', my MIL just gives up because she knows a) me and my husband agree and b) it won't change even if there are a million reasons why I am wrong.

Now is the time for setting the ground rules. I wouldn't have believe inconsiderate people like this, who priorisie their own happiness and own needs (e.g. need to see baby over infecting baby with virus) exist, but they do, and if you are unlucky enough to meet on, you have to be really tough and quite rude back (they are).

[diddl]

Sounds as if the problem is with your husband.

He isn´t close to them-but when they say jump he asks how high?

You need to stand up to him as well, I think-he seems to be "making" you do things.

As for MIL poking your baby, poke the bitch back tell her not to & take baby away from the situation!

[elizaregina]

Unfortunalty op = its usually the Dh to blame here. Its his family he needs to manage them.

Would he go to relate with you? If he wouldnt I would be very sceptical of that, in itself. If you can get him to go they will look at why you are unhappy, ask him why he is letting his parents dominate him and is wife, even though he is an adult and they will help you come up with strategies to manage them.

my MIL totally ruined my DD birth too, on the day we went to name her - I had been put through over two hours of verbal abuse from MIL and FIL as to why they dont like me. I cried in the office trying to get out her names. They took over my home, moved everything around, I couldnt find a SINGLE thing, after four nights of no sleep - strong drugs, birth and I had lost my dalring brother and buried him only days before birth my MIL screamed " why werent you nesting". The fact I had a funeral party in the house the day before I went into labour wasnt anything that they thought mattered.

When I look back I dont know how I got through it, MIL and FIL conspired to get Dh out of the house so I was left alone with MIL then she proceeded to attack me, however after she sheepishly fled, FIl came in and with DH standing there - he too proceeded to tell me why he doesnt like me. It caused huge probs for me that DH just stood there even though he has had major issues with them too.

Where is your DM in all this - my MAJOR problem was mine has passed away, had she been around etc, all this probably wouldnt have happened - they wouldnt have dared and also it wouldnt have affected me as much.

Becasue it was the first - you dont know how you feel - what it will be like - etc etc...my MIl was also grabbing baby " when you come to mine I will give you DECENT food"...." OHHHHH she looks like you" in such a sad voice....after the attack they didnt lay off! MIL went into overdive saying all the tiem - " the baby is changing, they change every day you know!"

With hindsight I would have told them all to F off....but I was too polite. And I paid for it.

This time they have lost the right to even know I am pregnant and if they see me one day - I will deny it! I have no idea when/if they will ever see the new baby...

I am looking forward to a calm and relaxed time - bonding with my baby this time.
In short - so sorry to ramble, take charge, you will be stronger in a few years having gone through this - so take that strentgh now - get your DH to relate, if he wont go - consider drastic action.

You need to be partners in dealing with the PILs. Tell MIL you are sick and cat have any visitors for the forseable future. Tough on DH if he isnt happy with this - you are mother - you put yourself first - sadly no one wil do that for you. If you have a DM you get on with - I would install immedialty to help you.

[elizaregina]

BTW - my MIL also woke up baby to get photos and see her awake.

Who wakes up a sleeping baby! how selfish is that!

also my DH is scared of his PILS< why i dont know = they are cold hard bastards who never loose tempers but are cold and hard and control freaks...

my next mission is to try and find out why he is scared of them, once he looses that fear, telling them no will be alot easier.

you need to find out why DH jumps when they say jump, an easier life - or fear etc....he also needs to want to think about this....

[elizaregina]

pumpkin

Dh is treated completely differently to my sils, they treat him like shit and expect gifts & insult him yet sil are bought lavish stuff and treated to take-aways.


same with me - my DH is treated in a strange way half disabled and half family skivvy who isnt as important as MIL?FIL and in particular SIL who is a shining testament to them that they are " normal" ( in thier eyes), SIL is rude - agresvive and horrid and mean and nasty and to them too - but it doesnt matter she shares their values! DH thanksfully doesnt!

[diddl]

I think unless you have that relationship, it´s really hard to understand why a grown man would be scared of his parents.

It makes no sense-if he says no-what are they actually going to do?

[ToniSoprano]

Mango - congratulations on the birth of your baby first of all. Now, the main thing is that you get to enjoy and revel in this lovely new motherhood - this is your priority.

Forget about everyone else's opinions etc. I am worried that you keep saying that you've been 'made' to do things etc. Stop that right now by just insisting on doing things the way you want to. If you don't want to take your puking dogs in the car, don't take them! If your DH insists, then you simply refuse to go. I think a couple of very adamant and firm comments from you to both your DH and your hideous PILs will do the trick and they will all give up - think lioness protecting your cubs!

Good Luck

[pumpkinsweetie]

Oh and congratulations on your new baby enjoy her, lock your doors and turn your phone off -don't take anymore of her shit!

[Bossybritches22]

Yep second the communication blackout.

Your DH needs to realise when he married you he cut the ties with his mother, she comes second in his priorities & loyalties.

He should NEVER feel he is being made to choose who to "side" with but if that arises (because of HIS mother) it should be you who he backs up.

Congratulations on your DD, enjoy her & try & ignore the IL's, tell DH to go &see to them & don't piut up with any shit in your own house.

[bookends]

You must be so exhausted....have you considered moving?! Your husband is not able to support you, so for your own sanity, move as far away as physically possible.

[Nanny0gg]

Can you show your DH this thread? Is there anyone on your 'side' who can talk to him?

If he won't 'man up' then do what ToniSoprano suggested and dig your heels in. If you don't want to do it, then don't.

[mangomadness]

Luckily I have a brilliant dm who's been emotionally supporting me, there's space for DD and myself at her house.

I've managed to have a few weeks grace from her; but DH is getting texts all the time about how upset she is etc.

The thing is that last night DH told me that I have to see her again, soon. I don't want to. His brother wants his DS to meet DD, there's a week between them, at the end of the month as they're travelling down here. DD will then be 10 weeks old. I said it's fine and they can come here as we'll put playmat down for them to lie on together. I'm not sure how much interaction they'll get from each other as they can't crawl, but we'll see! I then said that it will just be BIL, SIL and DN, and that I won't go to PIL's house. This is when I got told that I have to see MIL. I don't see that I have to or that I should.

[olgaga]

You don't have to see MIL or anyone you don't feel inclined to. Stick to your guns, don't be bossed around.

If your DH can't accept it, tell him he can go and visit MIL anytime he likes! Preferably with a couple of suitcases. It's really not on, telling you who you "have" to see. That's entirely up to you.

[pumpkinsweetie]

You don't have to see her op, my dh has decided to see his mother again much to my discust and he also said i and the dcs should go-i said "no way" "im done, but its up to you what you do".
Cant stop him but you don't have to go along with the charade, shes not your problem

[diddl]

You don´t hve to see MIL.

But do you want your daughter to be taken there without you?

[mangomadness]

At the moment DD can't be taken anywhere without me, she's exclusively bf and I won't express into a bottle.

In the future I'd rather she wasn't taken there at all.

[diddl]

"In the future I'd rather she wasn't taken there at all."

but when your husband visits his parents, do you intend to tell him he can´t take his daughter?

[NarkedRaspberry]

Short term? You need to be very strong.

Tell your DH what this situation is doing to you - describe how it makes you feel, the stress, how it's making you feel about your relationship etc.

Tell her (and your DH), calmly and firmly, that you need a week of peace. Yes, I know you want your DH to stand up to her, but for whatever reason he isn't, so you need to. Screen calls. Don't answer the door. If she turns up and your DH lets her in go and sit in your bedroom with your DD. Ignore the comments. If she doorsteps you more than once, add a week.

Take the week to be kind to yourself and enjoy your DD. You sound very stressed - as anyone with an eight week old would! The three of you need to have some time together as a family. And if this continues you'll end up hating the woman and resenting your DH for letting this happen.

After the week is up, plan your contact with MIL. You decide what works for you. If you can drive, go to hers - make sure you keep the car keys. Leave the dogs . Then you're in control of how how long you stay for and you don't feel under siege.

She is being a nightmare for you ATM, and your DH isn't stopping it, and you feel at breaking point. If you can get some respite and then take control of the situation it is possible that you'll get to a stage where you can get back on reasonable terms with her - I'm not saying you'll love her, but you'll get by.

[DuelingFanjo]

can't you invite them round for food at a convenient time, limit it to two hours, then kick them out?

Maybe plan it 2 hours before you start taking teh baby up to bed and then when it's time just tell them you are off upstairs to get her to bed?

then do that at regular intervals.