So, so angry with DH!

[Glabella]

DH has depression, been struggling with it for the last 2 years, and we have an 8 month old dd. When he's depressed he is a nightmare to live with- quickly angered, moody, doesn't speak to me for days on end, does nothing around the house, can't cope with looking after our daughter. At his worst he was quite abusive- calling me names, screaming at me, never violent but quite intimidating and 'in my face'. He's been on medication for the last 18 months, and it works brilliantly- within a week or so he's a different man. He's been hugely sorry for the way he behaved..

When dd was born he stopped taking his meds- he says he thought he didn't need them so just stopped, without telling me. Anyway, he became a nightmare, and I had no idea why. It took 3 months before he'd admit he'd come off the tablets, so that was 3 months of me being miserable, and him being a frankly shit dad and doing nothing for the baby. I was furious with him, and he promised to never do it again. He stepped up and has been a great dad.

The last 6 weeks he's been awful again- moody, withdrawn, grumpy etc. I've asked him a million times whether he's taken his tablets, he's always promised he has been taking them. I've been frantic with worry about him, and dd has stopped sleeping so I'm also utterly exhausted. The other week he told me he doesn't think he loves me any more, so I've been pretty much heartbroken too. Today I sent him back to the GP because I was so worried- he came back and told me, you guessed it, he stopped taking his meds 2 months ago- apparently he 'just kept forgetting' (for 2 months, with me asking him every other day??!!). He apparently didn't do it on purpose and it's not his fault. I beg to differ- they are the single most important thing he should be remembering right now - the thing that keeps him well, enables him to be a good dad and husband and a part of our family. I am beyond furious with him. He has lied and lied to my face saying he has been taking them, driven me mad with worry, seen me sobbing and heartbroken and at the end of my tether and at no point did it occur to him to maybe tell me he wasn't taking them, or to start taking them again! I know he is ill, and it is crap to have to take tablets, but he's been totally irresponsible and stupid and selfish, and a million other words I have just yelled at him. (I know this is not helpful)

I need you guys to talk some sense into me, and tell me if I'm being hugely unreasonable or if I'm right to be so angry. At the moment I'm just too cross to see straight, I just spilt cereal all over the kitchen and broke my favourite bowl, because my hands were shaking I was so furious. I can't even look at him.

[confusedgypsychick]

You're not unreasonable at all, and you're correct when you say taking his pill should be the single most important thing he has to do.

I'm usually not one to recommend this, because I think most relationships can be worked with. But, if he's going to keep doing this you need to leave him. It's not good for anyone involved, especially the DC's, to be around him when he's depressed and not doing anything about it.

[cestlavielife]

either he allows you to dispense him the meds daily and act as his carer or he has to live elsewhere.

it is as simple as that.

if you cant trust him to take meds you can trust him to live with you.
it isnt fair on your dd.

[cestlavielife]

you cannot trust him to lvie with you if he cannot be trusted to take his meds
or if he wont allow you to dispense them

[21YrOldMan]

If I were you it would be ultimatum time.

He is should be a responsible adult. You are his wife, not his care worker. Either he takes his meds, every day, without you having to remind him, or you split up with him. Do you really want to babysit him and make sure he's taking his meds for the rest of his life? Do you really want to be the one responsible for whether he's taking his medication?

[GoPoldark]

Ultimatum time, yes.

Let's cut the crap - he's a lying shit, for reasons best known to himself. Tell him you don't want to live with a lying shit, or someone who cares so little for the welfare of the family, and ask him to go. And only come back when he's become an adult.

[mummytime]

He needs to take responsibility for this, so I think you need to ask him to leave. He needs to realise how important this is, that if he won't take his meds he loses you and your DD.
You also need to protect your DD from living with someone like him, when he isn't taking his meds.

[Oogaballoo]

You have every right to be angry. This has happened more than once and it has been accompanied by deceit and awful behaviour, and he's watched you suffering and let it go on and on. I would want him to start taking his medication again and to move out until it took effect before anything else could be discussed. It simply isn't fair on you to be treated badly in the meanwhile.

[redrubyshoes]

My mother suffered from depression for nearly all my childhood - when she was on her tablets life was fine. When she was off them my life was a waking nightmare.

She was cruel, violent, evil and destroyed everything in her path. The result was a terrified and totally broken little girl and I hit my teens hating her.

Your DH needs to take his meds. Don't put another child through what I went through.

[2MinutesToLunchtime]

Do his ADs give any undesirable side effects? When I was taking them (flux something) a few years back I couldn't get an erection which was hugely embarassing, so I stopped taking them straight away and have never taken more since. Not apologising for him, just saying that there is maybe more to it if he's stopped taking them so abruptly.

It's not your place to look after him though, when you become a parent you have to step up. I need a kick up the backside from DP sometimes to keep on top of the problem, but it seems he knows the difference between him on meds, and him without them. If he can't be trusted to take them, or won't concede responsibility for you to dispense them, it's not fair for you to have to deal with that and you should give an ultimatum.

[needsomeperspective]

My DH is exactly the same - a total horror when not on his anti anxiety meds. He stopped taking his in Jan after our second DD was born and put us all through 3 months of misery. He wanted to see if he was "better" or could "do it on his own". He can't. Now he is back on his Zoloft he is a joy of a father and husband again. He has promised never to go off them again. And I believe he won't. Had he done this more than once I would seriously be considering divorce - and he knows it. For both our husbands (it sounds like) taking the pills is a non-negotiable MUST do.

Has he tried to explain why he stopped his pills?

When my DH stopped it was also because he was worried about money as they are expensive and also was unhappy with the side effects. I reassured him the medication is a priority and no matter what it costs it's vital to our quality of life. He also switched dro
Cipralex to Zoloft which had far fewer side effects and I'd anything is more effective.

We worked through it but only because he was able to explain why he stopped taking them and I beleive his promise to never stop cold turkey again.

In your shoes, this being the second time and with him lying to you I would need to be really convinced this is not going to occur a third time and apply a "3 strikes and you're out" policy. I'd also go with him to his doctor.

[Glabella]

Bugger- I was kind of hoping you'd all say I was being unreasonable, I don't want it to have got to this point. :( I don't think he can move out- I'm on mat leave from uni, we are utterly skint and we have nobody local he could go to. There's no way we could afford for him to rent somewhere else- if we split up we'd have to both keep living in our house until we sell it. I've done the finances a million times and it's just impossible.

I think he's realised how bad this is though- he's brought me 3 cups of tea since my last post.

[Lueji]

I'd seriously consider separating or having this as his last chance.

Not only he didn't take the meds, as he blatantly lied to you. Not sure what's worse.

[GoPoldark]

Cups of tea?

If he thinks that he has you trapped because of finances, then get used to this treatment, because it will continue through your lives together. Your children will of course suffer massively - see redrubyshoes post.

Time for a very hard think.

I repeat - if he thinks that you won't split because of finances, he WILL continue to treat you like this.

Think long term.

[Glabella]

I'm still not speaking to him, because the baby is awake and I don't want to yell in front of her, so him bringing me tea is an attempt at some sort of apology (a crap one). Usually he'd be sulking after I yelled at him.

I'm only stuck financially for the next year- once I graduate I have a guaranteed job and will earn substantially more than him, and will be able to make a very nice life for me and my daughter, with or without him. But right now I can't magic up some money- we seriously don't have it and realistically it will take months to sell the house, so we're stuck.

[msrisotto]

Thinking long term, can he get his medication via injection once a month or something?

[captainmummy]

needsomeperspective - I initially thought this was your thread, it seems to follow the same pattern as you posted recently.

I think if he doesn't take the meds, he is a different person. He has to realise that - you didn't marry this person, and it is up to him to change back, by taking his meds.

Another year huh? Can be done, if you're sure he is not violent, abusive, controlling.

[JudithTaverner]

Sorry I can't help, but would you mind telling me what tablets he is on? My dh is going to the docs next week and he sounds just the same as your H - especially the anger etc. It has taken us a while to realise this could be depression, and dh is sceptical that tablets will work. Aside from the issue your H has in taking the tablets, it is reassuring that they worked.

Your dh sounds the same as mine - extremely reluctant to take anti-depressants, for whatever reason. fwiw I have issued an ultimatum - I won't live with him while he is just so angry with me, and if he refuses to see a doctor and try to get to the root of this, he can just move out.

[Glabella]

Judith He's on citalopram- it has worked wonders, although he finds it hard to see the difference. I think he convinces himself that the anger/depression is due to everyone else, stress at work etc, so he doesn't need the tablets. And then when he gets worse he doesn't recognize it as depression, just thinks everything and everyone has suddenly got more stressful and annoying.

[Glabella]

Thanks everyone for your help, DH is off to work so we've both agreed to think things over and decide what the next steps are going to be. I've made it VERY clear that if we do stay together than he is on his absolutely last chance.

[BumptiousandBustly]

Glabella

I just want to add - I was a nightmare when depressed (Turned out to be severe pmt) but they put me on injections for it, once a month and I DAMN WELL REMEMBERERED TO GET THEM. I had to get a prescription from the docs, pick up the stuff from the chemists, make an appointment at the docs and then have the injection. I made absolutely sure I did this every month, because otherwise it was awful for DH and DSs - being depressed does not relieve you of your obligations to think about thinks like taking medication!

[meiinlove]

My DP is on anti-anxiety meds, with the same results if he doesn't take them or the dose starts losing its effect. The side effects are serious though, so I understand why he wants to come of them from time to time. Except that he can't, since he doesn't live alone.

By now I don't yell anymore: I've told him that it is his body and so his decision, but that we cannot live in the same house if he does decide to stop taking them. And this is not an empty threat (anymore, it used to be), because I value myself and my kids too much to live with his anger again. I empathise hugely with his pain, but I'm passed the point where that's more important than our well-being.

In the end, I do think it's counseling that has to get to the root of his problems and luckily he is having that now. I know he will not take the meds for the rest of his life and I know I cannot live forever with the knife of 'I'm done with them' over my head.

[BalloonSlayer]

"I'm only stuck financially for the next year- once I graduate I have a guaranteed job and will earn substantially more than him, and will be able to make a very nice life for me and my daughter, with or without him. "

I guess in that case you have a fine opportunity for an ultimatum - "You have a year to prove to me you can do this. "

[sharklet]

You are not being unreasonable - you must put yourself and DD first in this and find the safest situation for you to live in. Ultimatums might be the way forward - or possibly you need to talk about going for some counselling and dealing with WHY it is happening. My ex was on long term meds for his depression and he found it very difficult, there were aspects of the side affects he found hard to live with - zining out, forgetting things, erectile disfuntion, dizziness, loss of appetite. He did not feel like himself, like he had any control over his life and who he was. Often they made him feel so sick he would go off them just to see if he could cope and he would be OK this time. He never realised how awful his behaviour became - as you often don't recongise the signs yourself and even if you do it is so depressing to know that your real self is awful - that you can't function as a human being, as a father as a lover without them. Lots of people on long term meds suffer this kind of torn feelings. Really truly some counselling together to look at the issue might help you both see it from each others POV and encourage some kind of way to deal with it. Possibly to look into other neds that might solve issues if he indeed has them.

Now it might be that he is just a lazy arse and can't be bothered to take them, but there could be another side, and t could be too embarrassing or deep rooted for him to want to talk to you about it off the bat.

That said - problems with his meds or not as I said at the beginning of my post - your safety and DD's safety is top priority. Having lived through it - I could not get xDP to deal with it properly and in the end the relationship had to go. Self preservation and all that. Wether he is physically violent or not it is still ause and it is not on.

Sorry I can't give a perfect solution, but I hope it all works out for the best xx

[JustFab]

perspective you can get an annual pre-paid card which will save a bit on prescription costs.

[OldGreyWiffleTest]

The problem with people taking anti-depressants is that, as soon as they are feeling well over a few months, they think that they can stop them. You have to talk to him and tell him that taking them is a long-term commitment, not a short-term fix.

Once he realises that, you will hopefully get back onto the right track.