WWYD about SIL and MIL?

[MiseryBusiness]

Yesterday my DH sent his sister a message asking if she is ok. Haven't spoken to her for about 4 weeks but thats not unusual with my DH and his family. He is away with work a lot and to be honest he isnt a big 'talker' so he just likes to call/email every month to make sure everyone is ok.

His sister initially chats with him and then out of the blue sends him a message saying how terribly upset MIL is that he doesn't call her enough and that he seems to prefer FIL's side of the family to MIL side. Then SIL said how she doesn't think DH has been a very good brother to her since he met me (5yrs ago) and that she knows he has gotten married and had children over the last few years but she wants her old relationship with her brother back.

DH tried to ask her what she means by this. We spoke about it and he said he doesn't think their relationship has changed. All he could think of was that they used to go out for drinks/nights out with mutual friends when he was single but nothing more. She just said she shouldn't have to tell him he should know.

DH got pissed off and just said it was SIL attention seeking (has a history of making drama where there is none) but I felt bad for her so I tried to talk to her to work things out and she went mad. Started saying that the conversations she has with DH should be private, its a brother/sister thing, none of my business and she would like some private time with DH whenever we're back 'home' (we dont live in the same town anymore due to DH work) I sort of think it is my business when she has said that it is since he met me, that in some way i've done something to keep them apart. I dont want to be part of their relationship but to accuse me of being the reason they're not 'close' anymore and then saying I have no right to defend that isn't right imo.

So DH phoned MIL to explain that if he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't care it's just that he is busy and if she wants she can phone him (she never does this) and MIL basically said that she doesnt like to say anything to DH about not phoning/upsetting SIL just incase we withold our DC's from them. This is so offensive to me, that they think so little of us that MIL would assume I'd use my DC as a weapon in an arguement. MIL said she's not actaully that bothered about him phoning more but she does think he should make more effort with SIL.

DH doesn't want to make more effort with SIL. DH thinks she is just trying to cause trouble.

I feel really hurt by all this. I cant believe MIL thinks so little of us both, I really thought we had a better relationship than that. I dont know what to think about SIL. In all her messages yesterday she kept bringing me up, like I was to blame for DH and SIL lack of relationship but DH kept asking what she thought was wrong/missing but she wouldn't say. Was just being evasive like ''you should know, shouldn't you?''.

I dont think I can be the same with them both now. I actually thought I was friends with both of them but it seems they have problems with me.

Thanks if you've made it this far

So WWYD? DH says I should tell them both they've hurt my feelings but I think that would just be causing more trouble? Should I just ignore it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the best response would be to ignore and carry on as normal with the monthly 'how are you?' exercises. As you say, they're all capable of picking up the phone if they want to talk to each other and blaming you seems to be simply to hurt DH's feelings and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

My own DB is pretty uncommunicative, forgets birthdays etc and I've noticed that my DM blames whichever partner he happens to be with at the time rather than accept her darling DS could ever be thoughtless. I'm always saying things like 'DB is a grown man and capable of organising a birthday card and a stamp'... falls on deaf ears. But even she wouldn't be so silly as to openly blame my SIL...

[bamboobutton]

i ha a similar situation with my sil 'wanting her brother back'

i just ignored it and fumed to dh in private.

[Hyperballad]

Ok, so you and your DP seem to be a team on this which is great and refreshing! I think my gut feeling on this would be to leave it for a while, at least four/five days. Let emotions settle and then decide what to do after that.

In many ways, this isn't really your issue to sort out. Your busy enough with your own family without getting wrapped up in his sisters emotions too. Sounds like the whe thing with MIL would never have happened if it had 't have been for the sisters text.

She spoke to your DP, he doesn't agree that their is a problem, that's her battle with her bro, and I think you should step away from it. Not for them, but for yourself.

What they've said is hurtful to you, but that isn't their goal or intention to hurt you, they just both seem shit at handling conflict.

Ignore for now, if you have contact in the meantime with them, hold your head up high and act as you usually would, you've done nothing wrong but until emotions die down a bit, you could egnight the situation further if you chose to say anything now.

[Herrena]

Avoid the situation like the plague. It's terribly unfair but it seems like you'll be blamed for any action you take even when it's whoily benign.

Out of interest, does your DH have any brothers and have any of their wives/partners ever withheld DC access afrom your MIL? Is it possible that she's imposing someone else's unpleasant behaviour on you even though you haven't ever implied you'd act that way? Or maybe that's happened to a close friend of hers with GC...

I'd tell your DH to make a weekly phonecall to his DM and never ever get on the phone with yourself at these times, so it's just about them. As for DSis, she just sounds like a cow and you shoudl ignore her

[MiseryBusiness]

That was my feeling, that I should just ignore it.

Cogito, your DB sounds like my DH but I sort all birthday's, Christmas, Mothers/Fathers Day cards and presents for everyone. It like they expect my to lead DH to the phone and dial for him but as you say he's a grown man and can decide to make his own phone calls.

DH said this isnt my issue, it's theirs so I should just leave them to it. I may be being overly sensitive, I usually am but they've hurt my feelings and sort of ruined what I thought was a really good, close relationship with MIL and SIL.

Bah, I should just forget about it and move on shouldn't I?

[Tinkerisdead]

I had exactly this with my Sil. She let rip that she doesnt see dh etc since he met me (its actually since she got married which was three months after). Its always me saying 'you'd better call sil, mil or auntie wotsit' and he never does. Then it turns into 'since you met her'.

Ive tried arguing etc but nothing works other than to just ignore, be pleasant etc. my dh really does see less of his family because in his spare time he wants to see his kids not his sister!

She acts like my mil or a jealous girlfriend for stealing him away. I just act gracious (even when she said i'd die in childbirth). Just be the bigger person, show that you are a family, a unit and she is welcome to share in that but it is not divide and rule.

[MiseryBusiness]

Herrena - No it's just DH and SIL. SIL doesn't have a family yet. I have no idea where MIL would get such an idea unless it is something she would do herself.

I think I'm very sensitive to this type of comment because DD1 is from a previous relationship and I've spent the last 4 years in court trying to get exp to see DD without success. I have managed to get exp Dsis to start seeing DD regularly though because I think it's important for DD to know her other family whether that's with exp or other family members and MIL knows all of this so I cant work out why she would think that of me.

[MiseryBusiness]

TheDoctorsWife46 - I'm actually quite glad you made the analogy of SIL being like a jealous ex because that is the kind of impression I got.

SIL seems to think her and DH had this magical relationship where they shared everything but DH doesn't remember it.

DH has been in the forces for more than 10 years and has lived 300 miles away from home since then so he just cant understand it all.

[Jux]

It sounds like SIL has been inventing possibilities culled from DM and frightened MIL with them. I think you should just reassure MIL that you would never withhold your children from her and be friends again.

SIL needs to adjust. I had some difficulty when my bro got married adjusting to my new role. He and I had been so close and I knew I had to step back. It was hard but worth it because I wanted him to be happy. Mind you, I was in my mid-30s when he married. Is your SIL still quite young?

[MiseryBusiness]

SIL is mid twenties. She does tend to be a bit attention seeking. MIL and FIL split up years ago and when we are in the area visiting if we go to MIL or FIL for dinner one day and she isn't available or not invited she makes a huge deal out of it.

FIL took us out for a meal once as we were moving to a different country and SIL found out and turned up at the restaurant in a huff and refused to eat with us but sat there glaring all evening.

I get the impression it's because DH doesn't pander to her much anymore because as he says life is too short but I dont think SIL would ever like to think that it's DH that can't be bothered so it's easier for her to blame me.

[HoleyGhost]

I agree with everyone who says leave it a few days

but be aware, this might not be something you can fix. It is nothing you have done, your SIL and MIL have both behaved badly. Your MIL is doing your SIL no favours by enabling her behaviour.

[daffydowndilly]

My x-SIL was 12 when her brother and I started dating, 13 years later it all came out, how I changed him, forced him to stop seeing her and having a proper relationship. I made him a bad son to their mother. The vitriol was overwhelming. And I was the devil reincarnate who had possessed the prodigal son and made him behave the way he did.

However, in my case, my xH had a lot of mental health issues and was a serious shit to people close to him, part of his behaviour was deliberately using me as a scapegoat, as do his family too. It is the easy way out, and it makes them feel better, it enables them to understand and forgive him and have a relationship with him.

I was really disappointed that my xH (obviously before the x bit) didn't stand up for me. And his sister (mid 20s) has decided she wants no relationship with our children (including her god child). It is all a symptom of this enormous family dysfunction going on that I am (very gratefully) well out of and not the reason I left him, but is didn't help my esteem for him.

If the situation wasn't so dysfunctional, I would want a husband in this situation to go and give his sister a big hug and chat to her and the same with the mother, and explain he loves them but he is also a husband and father and will keep trying to have a good and honest relationship with everyone, but that his number 1 priority has to be his children and wife, but that he also values his birth family. And to ask them to apologise to me and accept and love me for who I am, because that is what he does.

[RabidAnchovy]

Your SIL sounds a complete cow, can you cut all contact with her for a while till she grows up a bit.

Personally I would cut her out of my life if she was causing so much hassle

[MiseryBusiness]

Thanks for everyones replies. It's always good to get some perspective.

I luffs MN

[pumpkinsweetie]

Your sil sounds like my mil, i feel your pain op, these ILs are sent to drive us mad sometimes.
Like everyone else has said don't engage with the drama, you will never win.
If your Dh doesn't contact her much it isn't your fault is it but of course she wants someone to blame it on!
When my mil cant get the attention she craves she gets sil to ring up and complain to my dh on her behalf, and yes dh has had the simular "what if she dont let me see gc txt"of my sil from mil too but the only reason she would need to worry is because the problems she has caused in the past, i would not use them as a weapon either so of course i was upset at this at first but tbh it was all an attention seeking episode.
I call it my mil saga, yours is the sil saga.
If only they realised if they didnt cry out for so much admiration then the dhs would want to see/call them more but in our dhs situations i suspect they feel bogged down by the constant child like behavior iyswim

[ENormaSnob]

Sil sounds like an immature, spoilt, silly little cow who thrives on attention seeking.

I couldn't be arsed with this at all tbh.

[MiseryBusiness]

ENorma - I'm with you there. What I'd love to do is to drop her like a sack of shit and get on with my life but I'm not really that kind of person. Wish I was though.

She has just sent DH a message saying, ''Bro I feel really upset about what you and SIL did to me yesterday, I was trying to be honest about my feelings. Bro to sis ya no? Next time your home can we meet, just us. Dont tell SIL as she will take it the wrong way. I just want my bro back, go back to how it was before? I dont know why SIL and DC ALWAYS have to come first.''

DH wants to just say he is happy to meet up but has nothing more to say to her on this subject?

[Jux]

Then that's what he says. She will grow up. Smile blithely and ignore.

[MaBumble]

Can I just say,Speaking as a MIL who loves her son, but accepts the fact he now has a (lovely) partner who had to come first, your SIL is being a spoilt brat.
I would suggest that DH reply saying that his wife will always come first , that's what being married is about. And if she wants some Bro/Sis time by blaming the person he loves most in the world, she is going totally the wrong way about it.

[sue52]

She wants your DH to put his wife and child behind her in some sort of pecking order. She sounds a wee bit odd. I don't think there is anything your DH could or should do to make things right. Just give SIL a few years to grow up.

[CailinDana]

Sounds like a nightmare situation. In a malicious way, I think it would be great if your DH could text something like "Sis you sound like a jealous ex, it's really creepy. Could you just act like a normal person?" But then I have a sister very like your SIL whom I've had to cut out of my life. She would try this sort of shit if she could but I just ignore her.

[MiseryBusiness]

DH is going to call her tonight and just say that he is actually happy with the relationship they have now and if that is a problem, then it is her problem not his. He said he'll tell her that he doesn't want to hear anymore about it.

Hopefully that will stop it for now.

I just cant believe she's being so childish. I thought 25 was at least old enough to understand that people and life move on and relationships evolve because of this.

Me and my sister are very close. We used to go drinking/clubbing together all the time. Stay up until 5am putting the world to rights but now we both have DH's and DC's and our relationship is totally different now but in a good way. I can say I would ever think her DH has taken her away from me. It's bizarre.

[CailinDana]

It's not about you at all. Even if your DH was the most attentive brother on earth she would find something else to complain about. Chances are she is jealous of him being married and having children. Just do not pander to her. The thing that worked for me with my sister was to say "I am not responding to anything you say that isn't positive or friendly." We have hardly spoken for three years. Says a lot doesn't it.

[Greatauntirene]

Stay up until 5am putting the world to rights but now we both have DH's and DC's and our relationship is totally different now but in a good way

Yes. But unfortunately for you SIL has no DH, DCs or, from the sound of it, boyfriend.
Sounds like she has just been dumped or believes she is on the shelf and is thrashing around for someone to take her anger out on.
I suspect that she sowed the seeds about you witholding DCs from MIL vicious cow
Also it must be years since she and DH went out for drinks.
Once someone or something more interesting comes into her life she will forget all about DB and meanwhile just keep calm and pleasant and ignore tantrums.