Blatant lying and strange behaviour

[Orchidlady]

This is going to sound a bit rambly but had to post as I just need to vent again, sorry. Beginning to question my sanity. I posted yesterday about DP not paying his bills and me lending him money.It just so happens after posting I had a call from the Gas company because his Direct Debit in April had failed and he not paid them by debit card as we agreed . Anyway fast forward to last night he said it is all my fault for not reminding him and denies knowing anything about the DD failing WTF, he actually had a conversation with them and I know he def did talk to them because when the accounts lady called she confirmed he had contacted them and made an arrangement Something very strange is going on, how can someone sit there and tell blatant lies, I actually think he is lying about a lot of things but I know obviously 100% about this because I have proof iyswim. Also after I went to bed because he was completely refusing to speak to me, he woke me up because he is changing a washer on a tap @ 3.00 in the morning, I know this is crazy. He has now stormed off to work just sitting here thinking WTF. He is loosing it isn't he?

[PeppermintPasty]

Yes, something is going on. Prepare yourself for more revelations, financial or otherwise

What do you think is at the root of it?

[Orchidlady]

Pepper I can' think straight atm. But would say he is heading for a breakdown again, ( had major meltdown last year year) or maybe is he is just an asshole that cannot accept any responsibility . He was utterly vile this morning, ( I made him sleep in the spare room so now I am the ogre. mind you I did call him a few choice words this morning (

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

He isn't losing it. He is an irresponsible individual who cannot face the consequences of his own actions, and thus has turned to denial and blame. This isn't a breakdown or anything, it's all part of the same pattern of behaviour. A very dysfunctional and undesirable pattern of behaviour.

Get legal advice.

I'm so sorry. But this will pass. You will eventually get rid of this feckless loser, you will no doubt be poorer and wiser for it, but your life will take a turn for the better once you are no longer running around fixing his mistakes.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm going to be charitable and say he's lying because he doesn't want to face the music. Plenty of people stuff bills in drawers until they can't fit any more in rather than face up to a financial problem. If he has a history of stress-related breakdown, 'denial' might be his go-to coping menthod. Doesn't make it right, of course

The only way to get to the bottom of it is full disclosure. That means getting all the bills (real or metaphorical) out of the drawers, all his bank statements and receipts and going through them one by one until you understand the full extent of what's going on... income and expenditure. It also means getting him to be honest... and to get that you may need to hold off being an ogre for five minutes.

If the other things he's lying about are not money-related it could be a bigger problem. But, in the meantime, money is enough.

[msrantsalot]

sounds like a mental health issue to me. get him to set up a direct debit into your ac to cover his share of bills and you pay them, see if that improves matters.

[Orchidlady]

Yes good points, Denial def I think when he sits there telling hid version he really believes it. He has probably stopped taking his AD's, hence the strange behaviour, ( changing tap washers @ 3.00 in the morning, humming manically this morning) I know something is terribly wrong but just don't know what to do about. Just feel like going upstairs and packing his things up but them DS would be devastated.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

IME it will cause DS far more long-term damage to be raised in a house where unacceptable behaviour is enabled and normalised.

[solidgoldbrass]

He does sound like someone with a MH problem (and if he's on ADs it's going to be a diagnosed one, not just 'I'm depressed/stressed' as a way of getting out of trouble). I think you would be best off getting rid as he is not taking responsibility for himself and damaging the rest of the household. MH issues are not a free pass to mistreat your family.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Stopping taking the ADs is an alarm bell. If he's going past depression into psychosis - which often results in 'I don't need these meds' feelings and bizarre behaviour - he needs medical attention. How you react really depends if you want to be a partner in an equal partnership or his carer

[Orchidlady]

ironically he is the one calling me mad, and you know what after a time a part of you starts to believe that. I feel worn down tired, I asked him to leave a few weeks ago and poor DS went hysterical. This is not a equal partnership who ever said that is right. I know if I kick him out he will have nowhere to go and no money, not sure I can do that to DS dad

[Orchidlady]

cogito I was guessing about stopping the AD's because of the way he is right now, I could be wrong.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

ironically he is the one calling me mad, and you know what after a time a part of you starts to believe that.

Yes. And you don't deserve that.

Of course your DS will be upset at the upheaval of his father leaving. It doesn't mean it isn't the best course of action.

If he has no money and nowhere to go, whose responsibility is that to deal with?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're saying is that you feel sorry for him and you still care in spite of the difficulties he is placing you in and insults he is flinging around. If this is MH-related, there is only so much you can do to help him in isolation. Even if he is still taking the medication, his condition is getting worse. If he won't voluntarily go to his GP could his GP make a house-call instead? It could be that he needs to be admitted for treatment.

Your son will be upset whatever happens, whether his father leaves or stays and continues to behave erratically and irresponsibly. Protecting our children often means making difficult decisions on their behalf - even if they are upsetting to begin with.

[Orchidlady]

Cogito I know I know am finding it hard to breathe right now I am so upset. We are not a couple any more steadily I have been distancing myself but it still is hard. After his last breakdown I have found it really hard to trust him in anyway.

[Orchidlady]

This is how it all started last time, one minute up next down. Angry outburst, totally irrational. I don't think I can go through it again. Sorry I know I sound really pathetic, just so little RL support

[NicNocJnr]

I agree with Cogito.

I have a nice pocketful of MH issues - this is wrong and he needs to sort it asap but the only one that can is him. Is it hellish sometimes? Yes, am I still married with happy kids? Yes because I would choose to do anything for them over losing them. That means eternal vigilance and ensuring I am mentally healthy, getting DH to watch over my shoulder to catch me before it's a problem. For me nothing is worth risking letting my children suffer the effects of my problems. Nothing. There is the crisis team, OOH GP if it peaks at night may be able to expediate MH assessment. But you can't choose, he must.

Also of course DS will be upset - but as his Mum you are in possesion of all the facts, facts which DS isn't able to understand. Protecting him is more important long term than healing the temporary hurt this will cause. As Mum you do and he follows, he is not able to dictate any of his major life choices because he isn't able to understand the implications. I can guarantee you it is a miserable, unstable life living with poorly managed MH issues....

It is gutting and so overwhelming dealing with betrayals like this because it reaches into your core to squeeze everything that is important and precious to you. Detaching is helpful and necessary. You need support too, don't forget you don't have to be alone. I'm sorry it's just so shit atm.

[NicNocJnr]

You may be able to access services in your local area as a spouse of someone with MH issues - they can give you understanding support. Google MH services in your area and see what comes up.

You don't sound pathetic. You sound ground down. That is not your fault.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not pathetic. I also have experience of someone with serious MH issues in my own extended family - schizophrenia in her case - and it was bringing her immediate family to their knees. It's very difficult even for qualified professionals to manage. For ordinary people with no previous experience, it can be an utter nightmare. In her case, she agreed to treatment and has been much more stable since.

It would not be disloyal or selfish to break up. There comes a point that, no matter what sense of duty or residual love you feel for someone, you have to put yourself (and in your case also your DS) first. No-one else will do it for you.

[Orchidlady]

NicNoc Thanks for your post, I should have seen this coming, been there before with Crisis team, 999 calls, suicide and self harming. I stuck here through thick and thin, when on right meds he was stable, still not the best DP but stable, I need to make him realise he is ill again, Trouble is atm he thinks he is perfectly all right and it it me.

[bogeyface]

YOu say that you have done the whole 999, suicide attempts etc. Do you think that that might be why your DS was so upset?

It wasnt because he thought daddy was leaving but because he thought that daddy leaving would mean all that drama again and he is frightened?

I would be very worried about how this kind of life is affecting your son :(

[NicNocJnr]

He is ill - you are not mental!!!!!

You've done it before - it can be a surprise event and you learn how to cope. Afterward it is a case of eyes peeled. Going down that spiral your brain does lie to you - it gives you a belief that you are fine and the world is wrong...the world is also an ass because your brain also, unbeknownst to you, makes you a grade a knobber. BUT however hard it is for you to believe, to pull yourself back and to take those meds or get help - you have to, for the people you love. There are moments of clarity, lucidity that must be taken advantage of. But in many cases you can see what is unfolding before your eyes even if you don't really know the ins and outs. And that's when he has to be wanting to do better. If I had a bad episode again I would, well already have it in writing, want to be away from my children. That would hurt me deeply but I can't do it to them, also it is motivation to work as hard as you can to get back to normal.

It sucks, it feels disloyal but you have more at risk than he feels he does. That's sad but evident. MH is not a reason to say you have no personal responsibility (obvious with certain exception but not this one) and you can act however best meets your needs and fuels your happiness and everyone else has to deal with it because 'I've got a MH problem and I can't help it'. If he's not a great Dh when medicated...he's probably just not a wonderful guy. Bit riled, I'm so sorry.

[cestlavielife]

first step - you need to call his GP on the phone today and tell GP that you fear he has stopped ADs. when is his next review appt? would GP call him and invite him in? then is up to GP to act on that information but you will have done your bit.

and yes you need to be prepared to do the whole 999 stuff again.

[Orchidlady]

bogey I really tried to keep DS from all that, though there was point I had to sit him down and explain that dad was not well.
Nic thanks again for a spot on post, it really interesting to hear it from your perspective
I actually feel a bit better as it has now clicked in my head what is happening. This has been creeping up over the past few weeks ( I really should noted the signs) but I am not making excuses for him because he knows the implications of not accepting he ill, I am going to try and find out if he has taken his AD's

[cestlavielife]

sori just realised it is you op... remembering your other posts. also i think you mentioned your Ds having some issues?

you know, really the best thing medium to longer term would be for you and DS to live separately and have Dh visit and be with DS n day times when he well.
DS needs stability. security. knwoing what life will be like when he wakes up and goes to bed. DH cannot povide that. you and DH together cannot provie that. because of DH's long term MH issues. this has been proven.

unless unless as NicNocJnr writes he is fully prepared to work with you and work with the services available. and have plans in palce for when he stops ADs or otherwise shows signs of a down turn again. if he denies things (as my exp still does) then you have little choice but to put you and DS first.

and that could mean making a decision to live separately - this can be done practically speaking. dh could rent a small place nearby. whatever. so you and DS can see DH on your terms and not be woken at night by him fixifn washers etc (or worse) .

have you got a counsellor for you and DS you can turn to right now for support?

[Orchidlady]

waves to Cest you helped me the last time and am much better equipped this time.