Hi ladies
I've lurked on this site for so long, was always hoping I would never have to post properly but I guess my time has come.
I've been with my DH for 9 years now and have an amazing DS ( 7 months ) things with us have been pretty ok. Not hot abd steamy or honeymoon period but we seemed happy.
Over the past few weeks things have been bugging me, instinct I guess late nights watching tv, or can't sleep so getting up, no history on computer or phone ( odd for someone who is constantly on the net) did some searching abd porn mm ok been there done that same old record. Sick of having same conversation!!!
But then I got stupid and went a little further I logged into his work email and well he's been emailing his ex ( not really a ex to say but someone he had a very heated fling with) she caused us a few problems on the early months of our dating. She even tried to get my fired so she could take over my position!
Any way the emails seem 60% innocent but the rest not so much, talking about past and can you remember! Him calling her babe, xxx ending the messages, him saying he can be and idiot at times but he's always there for here when ever she needs it. Him asking if she's dating! They did mention me in one email but nothing bad!!
But the worst thing is they are talking about my gorgeous baby!!! She's asking to see photos and he's going to sort some out. He's telling her a few things about him! This is killing me the most! His mine I don't want her knowing or seeing him!
Am I just being so stupid????
He knows something is up but I can't tell him as it will
problems and I was snooping but I just want to cry when I look at my boy!!!!
Sorry for long post and spelling :-(
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I'm numb, sick and on the verg of breaking down
shockedtohell · 20/04/2012 06:21
gosh he sounds awful. So hang on: he's gearing up to play away, you've got wind of it and he's cross with you ???
As you say, old tricks don't lie. If you stay with this man you will be 'devastated' over and over again.
I'm really sorry OP 
Well from what you are saying OP your H isn't thinking about your infant, he's thinking of himself.
If this isn't the first time he has done such a thing (has he ever embarked on a full-blown sexual affair?) he is doing this NOW because he CAN and he did this BEFORE because he COULD and that's the way it's going to be by the sounds of it.
Although he has told you he will never 'become his father' it sounds like he knows he's vulnerable to doing just that. IMO it matters not a jot whether this W lives around the corner or on the moon. It's what is actually happening which is having such an effect on you which matters. You say you know you will be alright, but I sense your real fear and reluctance to act decisively.
But what are your options OP? Can you live with the knowledge that your H hasn't done enough to regain your trust from his previous encounters, sounds reluctant to change his behaviour AND shows a staggering lack of empathy for your distress now? Or can you make some choices yourself about what you and your DS deserve, calmly spell this out to him, and leave him in no doubt whatsoever about the consequences if he delivers anything less than complete fidelity?
TBH when you describe 'highs and lows' I imagine this relationship to be pretty hard work. When you're in a high you're waiting for the low and that's got to take the edge off any good times. When you're in a low you must feel utterly shit because you 'know' how good it 'could be'. I think it's just as well your DS is so tiny because he doesn't yet know the pattern of his parents relationship and so you have time to change things before he starts to learn how to be a male in relation to women.
Bloody fucking FB and internet chat sites (except for MN of course 
)
"he only did it for the attention abd to see how easy she was!"
So he's a grade 2 misogynist 
Why did you accept that as an explanation?
He basically told you that he pursues women because he despises them and wants to feel powerful as he manipulates them.
You knew this about him before you had a child with him. Why didn't you heed it?
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The only thing you need to change is how YOU deal with it - you do not have to put up with him.
Its no good being the perfect wife submitting to his every need - it will NOT work. The cheating is ALL about his issues and weaknesses.
He needs to make a lot of changes - he needs to work very hard on addressing his weaknesses and character flaws. He has to change the way he treats you - he has to put you first.
From what you have said, it sounds like he is not committed to repairing the marriage - no wonder why you are finding it hard to move on
You should be allowed to talk about this when you feel the need to - and you should insist on complete transparency and full access to his emails/phone etc. He is in the wrong and its down to him to prove himself.
If you want to read a good book about infidelity, get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends. It will help you understand why you are feeling like this and what would have been happening in the relationship and in your H's head.
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