Mumsnet Talk

This is such a silly way to decide whether I am doing the right thing in considering leaving my husband but this has all been going round and round in my head for months and I need to get some perspective. So I've drawn up a list of the reasons I want to leave, and the reasons I want to stay, and I would really appreciate it if someone could comment on it- whether item 1 is petty, item 4 is a dealbreaker IYO, 3 needs a bit more explaining- dh can be a bit controlling and I really doubt my own judgement. So here goes the first three, will probably have to do them bit by bit as they come to me (have been floating in my head but articulating them is harder!)

Reasons I want to leave:
1/ He controls all the finances. I have repeatedly begged asked to have all our income pooled into one big pot that all our expenditure comes out of but he refuses. So if eg I need new work shoes or dc need something then he will pay but I have to ask him for the money and often if the item is an unusual purchase he will decide which one to get himslef as he doesn't trust me to make the best decision. I often have no diposable income after I have paid my half of the bills (he earns a lot more than me)
2/ I don't think I can make good decisions anymore as I'm always worried about getting things wrong, and I used to be quite self assured and independent so I know I've changed (not sure of this is down to him though!)
3/ If I do "get things wrong" he sulks but claims not to be doing so when challenged so I am the one who ends up looking like I'm wierd for thinking it
4/ I don't feel supported by him, just belittled. I have given up all hobbies etc I used to have and many friendships have fallen by the wayside too because he makes things difficult for me to maintain them. Eg laughs and pokes fun at my interests or expects unusually high standards of achievement in them when I am not doing it to competition level, just for my own personal enjoyment. Make it difficult to see friends by being a bit stroppy about having to do bedtime for both dc's (dc2 only settles well for me) or me having time away from the family.
5/ I feel taken advantage of wrt housework, he refuses to allow a cleaner into our home (he would need to pay for it as I have so little cash, so he makes decision)
6/ I am uncomfortable with his reliance on porn, and whilst in the past have gone along with this and joined in watching etc and got some enjoyment out of it I do not like the fact that he is not wanting to be intimate with me but just is imaginging f***ing a nameless woman as per the porn he watches.
7/ I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW UP THINKING THIS IS HOW MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN

And that is just off the top of my head. More to come. Would really appreciate your comments to help me see if I am being reasonable in my reasons. If that makes sense!

What are your reasons for staying?

He sounds an absolute charmer, from reading what you have said he appears to have little respect for you!

What are the pro's ie what do you get out of this relationship?

He sounds like a bully and an abusive control freak.
What are the positives? I can't imagine them outweighing this list of negatives.

Waiting for the pros!
Cor blimey OP. xx

I am a lurker usually but didn't want to see your post unanswered but love, he has done a number on you. Honestly he sounds like a shit. No1 is not petty its financial abuse and has led to 2. Nos 3 4 5 and 6 are examples of him controlling you and keeping you in your place. You sound like you are a rational, loving person who is trying to make sense of a totally distorted situation. I hope some more of the experienced posters will be along in a minute to help.

There are no pros to this, not one. Trust your instinct and leave.

You have been emotionally abused. Don't umm and arh on Mumsnet. You know what you want. Tell him you are separating, that he will have to leave and if he won't, just up and take the kids away, anywhere you can put a deposit down on a flat to rent.

all of them qualify to leave him.
espec the DC.
they deserve better.

i can identify with no being able to go out etc - this happened to me too.

you say you work, can you save some money woudl you be abel to afford to kleave and keep you and Dc etc? while you get lawyers to sort out money...

1 dealbreaker.
2 and yes it is because of him. You need to get out and find yourself again
3 nasty and gaslighting
4 abusive
5,6,7 very good reason to leave.

Run,run like the wind. There is no list of pros in the world that make up for those cons. Even Johnny Depp himself wouldn't be worth it!

Any pros? Apart from it feeling easier to carry on with the (unhappy and dysfunctional) status quo than to bite the bullet and seek out a much happier future? I know it's scary but it can be done. You deserve it

Thanks all. I think my mind is already made up but was just hopng that everyone would say "you fool suck it up you're blowing it all out of proportion" so that I could bury my head for another 17 years. Oh bugger. Chickens are well and truly home to roost.

You ain't no fool. He sounds hideous. Good luck x

I guess by listing 7 reasons to go - all of them quite major issues - and 0 reasons to stay you have answered your own question!

Good luck.

I can't imagine a single thing that would make up for one of your cons, let alone all of them.

How horrible for you and your kids. He sounds like a terrible role model and partner. No contest, I would suggest

Controlling and abusive behaviours in a number of those. You need to get out.

He sounds awful and imo each item is a deal breaker. Good luck with however you decide to proceed but you are right, that is NOT the way a good man should treat anyone else.
He is NOT a good man - you are a good person - you deserve a good life and you sound quite capable of making it happen for yourself and your children once you get rid of him.

We only know what you have told us, so we can't possibly say that you are blowing it all out of proportion.

But if that's how you feel he is towards you, then you clearly need to separate.

You don't need to justify this to anyone op, his behaviour is eroding your self worth and making you doubt everything about yourself, and IMO will eventually make you feel ill, you have every right to question this relationship and to separate if you want to, I did separate from my exH for many reasons some very similar to yours and it was (eventually when the dust had settled) a breath of fresh air for me!

I'm guessing here op but are the pros the usual ones we all list when we are considering separating he earns a wage, helps to provide a roof, helps out sometimes with the kids, has the family car? Just the practical functional things that actually we can quite often manage ourselves in the end!

You've no idea how GLAD I am to hear your post. When and how are you going to tell him?

All your reasons are good reasons for leaving. There are no good reasons to stay within this. Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours. You have been systematically abused financially and emotionally by this H of yours; time to call it a day. You cannot and should not bury your head in the sand any more.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship. The DC and you deserve far better from life.

Controlling men are often angry men as well; you need to be careful with regards to your own safety. Would suggest you also call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as this is all about how controlling men operate.

Hello Tie, I could have wriiten your post, been together slightly longer than you 20 yrs 2 DCs. When I look at your reasons my head screams out leave him, because I know what its like to be in your position, but I am struggling to leave.....

What would you say to me if you read mine....
1. Money - Im constantly asked how much things cost/where have you got the money for that etc, if I ever had anything spare he would "suggest" what we spent it on. I work part time and lie when I do overtime now so I can squirrel the money away (a tip I got off here) saved £500 so far, not alot I know but good for me.

2. The house - its never tidy enough. I'm constantly told its a mess, it smells (it doesnt - and the mess is only toys). He says I dont take pride in the house. If he is doing something like putting something away he cant stand it if i'm sat down reading etc, he will make sure he asks(tells) me to do something, are you going to wash up/put the washing in/hoover while i'm doing this. If hes out he wants to know what I have done when he gets in regarding housework.

3. Personal - He shows harldy any emotion towards me. We never kiss/cuddle, he kisses the dogs more than me. The only time he is nice is when he wants sex, then I feel more like an object. I know this is WAY too much info - but when we are finished he "wipes" himself on my skin instead of going to the bathroom. If I dont move away quick enough to get him a tissue, I FUCKING HATE THIS - infact thinking about it this makes me feel so worthless.

4. Family/friends - he cant stand any of them, he picks fault with them all the time and all I do is defend them. Constant digs when I go out just enough to take the enjoyment of of any evening I have planned.

I could go on and on but I'm depressing myself now (and not trying to hijack your thread SORRY)! But what would you tell me? our reasons are quite similar, both men are obviously controlling and doing a good job of it. Like you the thought of another 20 years of this makes me want to jump off a bridge (I wouldn't though - the fucker would get my life insurance)

Uppy x

upsidedown,WT Actual Fuck? He wipes his dick on you? Instead of using a tissue? I hope to fuck I've read that wrong,but that has genuinely shocked me! I really hope you are making plans to get away from this complete waste of skin.