So, for those of you have have cheated on your gf and dw - can I ask.......

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Did you get a 2nd chance? And did you deserve a second chance? Did you change your ways or cheat again, but covered your tracks better?

Did you regret splitting up your marriage / family?

Or in the long run, was it the best thing that could have happened for you?

A week ago I found out my DH of 12 years was cheating. I am only 30 and have a 5 year old and a seven month old. I have never checked up on my dh in the past, and for me this has completely come out of the blue.

We are not together at the moment and I can't decide what to do.

Do I follow my head and run for the hills?

Or do I follow my heart and give him a second chance?

Before this, I thought everything was great. We don't argue, I don't nag. we get on great. But something is obviously missing.

If I get any replies I'll be amazed, and if you want to PM me instead of going public, that's fine. Would just like a male's perspective really.

PLEASE!!!

[cheatingnamechanger]

I am a woman but am writing as an ex-cheater. You may not be ready for the advice I am going to give you.

People cheat on their partners because the affair gives them something they are not getting at home. That 'something' may be something they should have given up when they got married, like the Thrill of the Chase or complete self-centredness. Alternatively, that 'something' may be something they should be getting from a good marriage, like respect or attention or consideration or love or sex.

I would say to you: what was your partner looking for when he strayed? What did he get that he's not getting at home? The flattery of a shag with a stranger, a feeling of freedom, the pretence that he has no responsibilities? in which case, dump him and move on. Or is he missing out on attention, respect, a reasonable sex life? In which case, examine your relationship with him and ask yourself if you are prepared to work with him to fix this.

If you've been cheated on it's very understandable to load all the blame on the cheater - and indeed cheating is absolutely the wrong way of dealing with a broken relationship. But if you can manage an honest appraisal of your relationship and give him a safe environment in which to discuss the lead up to the straying you would be doing a very wonderful thing.

[maleview70]

I think men often cheat because the opportunity presents itself.

I have cheated once in my life on an old girlfriend when I was much younger. The opportunity was presented, I was drunk and I took it. It wasn't a full blown affair though so slightly different. I know loads of men who have cheated but usually on trips with the lads, with random people and for one or 2 days only. None of these are particularly unhappy with their partners.

As for full blown affairs, I think there must be something not quite right in the relationship for a man to risk everything.

[ranteetheranter]

Again I am a woman and I have never cheated myself but I have to comment on something cheatingnamechanger said. I think she is wholly right about why people cheat.

If he tells you are seems to think he doesn't know why he did it I think you are onto a loser. There is nothing between you that can be worked on that will stop him doing it again. If he can say - I am sorry I did it I was feeling lonely and needed someone to lean on and one thing led to another. There is honesty and there is worrying you can work on.

Having said that I have enough self esteem issues that if dh cheated on me it would be too damaging no matter what the reason.

[Hattytown]

OP I'd be extremely wary of posts or PMs from people who have been unfaithful themselves and seem to think that their very individual experience makes them an authority on other people's reasons to cheat. Only your husband can tell you what his reasons were. If he's telling you he was happy with you and you felt the same, it's more likely that the reason lies within himself, not in your behaviour or anything that was 'missing at home'.

I saw a really interesting thread a few months ago where a man had posted about his affair and his perspective was that his affair was all about his issues. It was so refreshing to read posts from a man who'd really taken responsibility for his own behaviour so his name stuck. Try looking for posts by MrSorry in advanced search.

[OffMeTrolley]

Agree with first answer, people do cheat to fill a void in their lives, whatever that may be

[ranteetheranter]

Also it is never wholly the fault of the cheated on partner, NEVER, it takes 2 to tango and missing something at home is not really a good excuse. If he put as much effort in at home as he did chasing ass elsewhere maybe it wouldn't have come to that. And if a relationship is still bad no matter how much effort you put in you shouldn't be in the relationship.

[Abitwobblynow]

I got cheated on, and he said it was because 1. she was undemanding 2. she didn't need anything (I am SAHM) and most of all, because she was warm to him.

So this is hard. Yes it is the marriage, but I can't compare against someone who doesn't have his children and whose job isn't bringing up his children, who is unencumbered and free.

And? Bottom line, I was warm when I married him. And in 2 more years of his delightful company she would no longer be warm. I could guarantee that one for sure.
I withdrew ('became cold') and became critical because I had finally given up in the face of his refusing to acknowledge any problems in our relationship that he might have to face up to, and twisting them back onto me. And believe me, I tried. After knowing that I did not have what I thought I had, I looked with a sad eyes at the range of self-help books already in our house: the Dance of Anger. Living with a passive aggressive man. Living with an Emotionally Unavailable Man. My heart wrung for that ex-idiot who tried so hard, with such hope.

So yes, there were problems in the marriage cheater, is right. The kicker is he was directly involved and fully 50% responsible for them.

So I do think that having an affair ultimately comes down to character flaws. The SAME character flaws that means he doesn't like looking at and owning his issues in RL, are the character flaws that propelled him into a wonderful world of ego strokes excitement and fantasy without caring at all about my distress.

Certainly in his IC that he now knows he has to have, has finally admitted that the void lies in him, his therapist does not allow him to blame/project on to EITHER of the TWO women (wife and OW) HE screwed over. It stays fairly strictly all about him.

So: character flaws/marriage? Its like the nature/nurture debate! Or chicken and egg!

[ranteetheranter]

[MrGin]

All I can offer is the truncated story of my parents.

My dad had an affair when I was about 8. after hurling pretty much every plate in the kitchen at him he left that night and went to live god knows where, certainly not with the other woman.

My mum eventually forgave him and let him back after about a year. 35 years later and they're still together and seem to be happy.

[Legobuildingpro]

I wrote on your other thread....which you left after saying you were meeting the ow. I'd listen to hattie.
I'd also look at your lifestyle weaknesses. Sorry but his job will provide him with plant of opportunity for casual sex. As discussed in your other thread.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Hmm, well in my parents case my dad cheated because he thought my mum was going to die and couldn't cope. She went into hospital for a lung transplant on March 22nd and at the start of April he'd registed on datingdirect and other such sites, citing himself as a widower. I'd love to know how this was my mums fault and how exactly she was supposed to deter him from cheating while strapped to machines in ICU fighting for her life.

OP, in my dads case, he has lost his immidiate family, although still has support and love from his mum and brother, which is fair enough. But he's lost his daughters and access to my daughter, his only grandchild. However in the 2 and a bit years since he left my mum he has self edited his history to make my sister and I extremely unreasonable for cutting him out of our lives. He's no great loss to us.
In his case, he was driven by selfishness. It was all about how sad having a sick wife was for him. He neglected my sister and I, although we were both adults (I was due my first baby the July after mum went in to hospital and mum wasn't discharged until September) and just sorted out a new life for himself.

If your partner expresses a wish to stay, by all means give him a chance if its what you want. But remember, he is the guilty party and HE needs to make up years of trust again. You will need to be brave to start to trust him again, but IMO you wouldn't be unreasonable to have him check in with you initially when he starts going out again. And if you change your mind at ANY point, you still are not in the wrong. You can give him and your marriage another chance, but do not feel that means you HAVE to keep giving chances. It might be that trust is broken forever and you don't want him anymore and it might take months of trying before that comes to light.
I wish you luck whatever you decide.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Here's the thread where MrSorry gives his POV on why he cheated:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1374432-Have-you-forgiven-infidelity

[MadAboutHotChoc]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1374432-Have-you-forgiven-infidelity

[ChildofIsis]

Whatever may be the issue in a relationship having an affair is a coward's way of hiding from the truth.
Someone who had a spine would face up to their partner and sort out the issues. Then they would be clear to leave or continue the existing situation.

[sunshineandbooks]

I'm a woman and have neither cheated nor been cheated on, so I'm not sure how valid my perspective is but I'll give it anyway.

From observation I'd say there are two types of cheaters. Those who have made a genuine mistake and those who simply have a fundamental lack of respect for the other party.

IMO an affair automatically qualifies you for the latter category. People can get carried away, meet the love of their life (as in not the person they're married to), whatever. There are lots of reasons and all humans are subject to moments of weakness. I can understand that and I don't think it has to necessarily spell the end of a relationship.

However, it's not always the case that something is missing in the marriage or the cheater has made a mistake. Sometimes the fault really is 100% the responsibility of the cheater, as it is with domestic abuse. Some people are just uncaring, selfish idiots, and no matter how wonderful their partners, they would still cheat. I'd be very wary of falling for the 'we need to work on our marriage' line from someone like this, as unless they take 100% responsibility for their actions the only thing they're really sorry about is getting caught and to justify their actions they will shift blame onto the innocent spouse. Ultimately, the cheater is the one who made the decision to cheat, regardless of the state of the marriage. I've been very poor, for example, but I haven't used it as an excuse to steal.

It's always worth remembering this: A moment of madness is one thing; we can all get carried away. But when it comes to the morning after, you have a choice. If you choose to continue with infidelity and deceit, or continue to flirt with someone you think could pose a risk to your marriage, you have made a very clear-headed decision to disrespect your spouse.

I'd say the biggest indication of whether a marriage is salvageable after infidelity is not remorse but responsibility. I'm sorry you're going through this OP and I wish you the best.

[SparklyRedShoes]

I think a one night stand is a sign of weakness, having been vulnerable in the moment. But to allow it to progress into a full blown affair, all other issues aside, is ultimately about a lack of respect for the other party.

Really with a full blown affair there is always always a lead up to the first sexual encounter, which always presents itself as either flirting or emotional confidences being exchanged over an extended period of time, which the offending party does little effectively to prevent, and carrying on an affair requires a certain amount of deceitfulness, and putting yourself above the other party.

Of course no one is perfect and we are all essentially selfishly motivated. However, how do you get someone who has had an affair to re-establish a higher level of respect for the other party and their marriage than that which they had before? Talking about possible issues within the marriage and trying to address them is just one aspect of it. The other aspect can only be addressed by the offending party and is due to their personal issues IMO.

I remember hearing someone once referring to the marriage vows and saying loving somebody isn't necessarily always a choice. But honouring somebody is a concious choice you have to make. Some people do one and not the other.


I wish you luck O.P.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I remember reading In Not Just Friends that affairs are often about sliding across boundaries and this is very true in my H's case. As well as discussing issues within the marriage, you both need to be looking at and discussing boundaries with regards to your interactions with other people.

[Hattytown]

Oh yes I think I remember your other thread OP. In which case Lego is right, this is about your husband's job giving him lots of opportunities and his inability to resist them.

I think you and your DH might be at cross-purposes here, but it's hard to judge when we don't know what reasons he's given you himself. It's possible that you keep asking him questions about what was wrong with your marriage/what was missing etc. and he keeps saying "there was nothing wrong. If there was I would have said so" and that's making you angry, because you can't get your head around that people in good relationships cheat. So you think he must be lying or with-holding something, but if that is what he's saying, be prepared to believe it's the truth.

IME lots of affairs are about opportunity + low risk of being found out and not someone's attempt to escape from a miserable marriage, but only your husband can tell you his truth. In some ways though, that's a harder thing for you to accept because that means you can't control or prevent what he does in the future. Only he can do that and just changing his job wouldn't solve the problem, although it might on the surface, reduce his opportunities.

That's the thread MAHC thanks. Hope what that man says helps the OP, but again I suppose it's only one cheater's perspective and the OP's DH might not be that enlightened, or at least not yet.

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Thanks for all your input so far. Mn always gives me a different perspective on things!!

I'm busy with baby ATM, but I'll give more info later about what dh says, ow and issues.

Just wanted to say thanks go far for all your views, experience and input!

[sasslejaney84]

I cheated on my OH in the start of our relationship, my personal reasons were that I thought he was not in the same place and also I thought he was doing the same! Not the best reasoning in the world! It was with an ex and I knew deep down that he would have taken me back and I took advantage of that! It went on for 2 or 3 weeks

I confessed and ended it, his reaction nearly killed me and I spent the next 6 months building up trust etc, it was very difficult and there were a lot of tears, even now, nearly a year later and with me being pregnant it has come up and there have been more tears etc!

I think its all down to personal experience, if you are willing to forgive, you will never forget, you will always have a battle to trust, if I'm late home from work or even from being at my best friends house he doesn't trust me and has to check up on me, I'm ok with that and understand it will take time to heal the wounds I have caused, but can you H cope with it??

Just one more question you may need to ask!

[SimoneD]

Hi OP - Im not a man but have cheated on my DH. It was a long time ago before we were married and something Im v ashamed of but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

I dont agree that people always cheat because there is something wrong with the relationship or with generalisations such as once a cheater always a cheater. There was nothing wrong with my relationship at the time. I met someone else at work that I was attracted to, got to know him better and fell in love. That first flush of love feeling just took over and I embarked on an affair which went on for a few weeks before I told my DP.

Although he was devastated he wanted me back and wanted us to work through this. It has been hard at times for both of us but 10 years on we are now married with a beautiful DP and happy together. It was a one off and I would never consider cheating again. Ive learned to value what I have.

I dont know what your situation is or what your relationship was like pre-affair but you have to decide whether you are able to give him a second chance. Some relationships do survive an affair and become stronger, just wanted you to know that.

[SimoneD]

sassle Im quite a few years on than you in my relationship after I cheated. Just wanted you to know that it takes a while but the trust does come back. Youre right, its certainly not forgotten but over the years its brought up less and less to the point where I now feel its completely behind us. Has taken a good few years though

[carmenelectra]

Speaking as a woman(obviously!) I do think, with men its a case of opportunity. Think many would not seek out another woman but may find it very difficult to resist if it was laid on thick to them, particularly when out with mates and drinking. Not an excuse to forgive I might add.
I don't always think it needs to be an unhappy relationship, though often there is something missing.

Boundaries can get crossed with work mates etc. And people drift into affairs. Again, doesn't mean you should forgive.

From my point of view I couldn't forgive I don't think, even if things were bad between us as I hope we could talk. However, I can see more of a future in a relationship where someone has cheated if there had been a problem. At least the cheater could have some justification n the relationship could be worked on, having sex with another when you are apparently in love are happy and have a great sex life would be a dealnbreaker.I mean what could you work on?

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

Well, i'll tell you what I know....

1 Dh had 2 pictures on his phone of a girl he went to school with. She had takedn the pics, posing in a mirror, in her underwear - posted them on Facebook.
2 Dh had a 'sexual encounter' (blowjob) with a girl he met on a job, he was texting her arranging to meet again when I found the messages.
3 He has deleted numbers from his phone and from his FB account since I have been digging for info
4 Dh was registered on a dating website. This hasn't been used since 2010, no pics on it, just general portfolio. No proof of any meets.
5 Photos received via email (4 occasions that I found) of 2 different older women naked.
6 He has been texting and messaging girls through fb and through meeting 1 or 2 through work.

This is only what I definitely know. There is probably (I'm assuming) more, but I can't find any evidence and he's not telling - not that I would believe anything he told me now anyway.

So no affair, but lots of secrets and doing things that IMO he shouldn't be doing.

I have asked him Why?, he said, he has just given in to the attention he has received and been too flirty. He says it was just an ego boost as I don't show him lots of attention and affection at home. In hindsight - he's probably right about that. You know how it can be when you've been together a while, take each other for granted, Dh working long hours, me being tired and busy with doing everything else and having the baby. For me it isn't an excuse, but it is a reason.

For those who don't know, he works for an energy company and is in and out of customers' houses all day. He is out right now. So he has the opportunity.

I have always trusted him completely and have never checked up on his e mails or phone etc. Tbh, I feel that I don't nag (I don't see the point), I sort / clean all the house, look after the children, sort out shopping and all the running around that comes with being a SAHM, I do all the 'wifey' and 'Mummy' duties. I'm fun, really placid, I'm not hard work, I'm easy going, in fact I'm quite a catch!!

So it's not the worst type of betrayal IMO, but betrayed I am. And I don't feel I know everything.

And I've always thought that everyone deserves a second chance, but he has broken me and I feel I'm living with an utter stranger.

WWYD?

Run?
Work at it?