am I overreacting

[sweetpea36]

Can anyone help, I've been reading the emotional abuse thread for about 2 hours now trying to decide if this applies to me and can't decide if I'm overreacting.
I'm 3 months pregnant and just don't feel like my hb is looking after me at all. He gets upset and angry with me and goes in moods with me for things like: watching tv for an hour, sitting and reading a book, going to bed early. He claims I'm ignoring him. He got angry with me the other night because I made myself something to eat before he got home, as I was going out to a regular practice that I go to at the same time every week. Normally he isn't home in time to eat with me so I assumed things were the same as normal. When I try and tell him he's being unreasonable and that I just need to rest/eat/sleep/relax etc he just says that 'we're just different' and I don't care about things being 'special' or making things nice or exciting, which is just totally untrue! I do loads of cooking nice dinners etc but I just can't do it every single night, especially when we're both busy. He accuses me of being harsh and critical which is just the opposite of my actual personality - I'm usually too forgiving and will do anything to avoid a fight, but he gets me really upset. If I try and tell him how I feel he starts swearing at me and saying he's not going to listen to me shouting at him, even when I think I'm just talking calmly. Then when I start to get angry and upset he becomes really calm and starts asking why we can't just be nice to each other!
This probably doesn't make any sense and is far too long, I don't know if it's him or just me being oversensitive (he says I'm very sensitive and can't deal with anyone being angry with me). This happened before I got pregnant actually but I just feel like I can't deal with it now and it isn't fair on me or the baby. I can't concentrate on work or anything and don't really know what to do.

[noseinbook]

Yes, this does sound abusive. It also sounds like projecting - accusing you of his faults.

[buzzswellington]

He's got you on those egg-shells, hasn't he? You're second-guessing yourself, being told you're something you're not, that you do things you don't do, don't love him as much as he loves you (as you don't care about things being 'special') so therefore you should be running around trying to prove yourself to him all the time, and best of all, you're expected to read his mind.

I don't think you're overreacting.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would talk to Womens Aid as this situation is not going to improve for you. Its not you, its him. He is also projecting onto you as well as abusive men do.

This is no life for you or for your as yet unborn child.

[AntiqueAnteater]

i wouldnt say abusive, I feel the word is bandied about way too frequently on here. i would say he is being pretty childish, but you do sound a bit on the precious side too.

You need to talk to each other, talk some more and then if nothing changes decide if you want to continue with the relationship as it is.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Walking on eggshells" too is another way of saying "living in fear".

BTW what do your family/friends think of this person?.

Please do talk to someone like Womens Aid if you cannot bring yourself to talking about your home life to anyone else as yet. You need to start talking though to others, domestic abuse thrives on secrecy. Any perceived embarrassment or shame though is NOT yours, its his. You did not make him this way, he is also acting like this because he can.

[Tortington]

" did you actuslly eat a sandwich before ic ame home from work? i can't fucking believe it - how fucking dare you - you know we eat together at 6pm, for fucks sake you selfish cow, eating before i get home, meaning i have to eat on my own"

you reply:"oh do fuck off Henry and stop being an utter twat"

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

Unforunately and for whatever reason, you chose to ignore the warning signs and his emotionally abusive behaviour is unlikely to imrove once the baby has arrived.

Unless he admits that he has a problem and seeks therapeutic help now, he's going to be an appalling role model for your dc and there will be many times when you will question your sanity and torture yourself with the question 'is it him, or is it me'?

When my prediction comes to pass, remember that is him who needs to be left in your wake. Personally, I'd get out now as going it alone is infinitely preferable to having to second-guess an abusive twunt for more than a very short time.

[sweetpea36]

hi antique anteater, I'm not really sure what 'precious' means, does that mean you do think I am overreacting? Maybe you're right, I'm starting to believe I've imagined the whole thing and am totally oversensitive. The thing is, he's nothing like some of the blokes people have posted about - not controlling about money at all, not physically violent (though he has thrown things around the room) and CAN be really nice. I do feel like talking about abuse is a bit OTT. Maybe it's me. I do get pretty impatient with feeling like I can't just come in and relax in my own house. Maybe I'm quite intolerant.
I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to be a rubbish mother. Now I sound oversensitive even to myself!

[buzzswellington]

Er, did you read the bits about the nice/nasty cycle? No-one would ever stay with someone who was nasty all the time - there's always 'how great it can be' along with the bad.

He doesn't have to tick all the boxes to be abusive.

But it's fair enough if you don't think that's what he is.

But the problem still remains - you're unhappy a lot of the time and his moods are largely responsible for that. I think it's telling that he only calms down when you're at the stage of anger/upset - it's wrong-footing you again.

[sweetpea36]

Family and friends all think he's lovely, caring and will be a great dad. He's really cheery and outgoing with other people, has a really good job and does really well at work. It's only at home he gets in weird moods over trivial things. He says this is because of the 'differences' between us and it's both of our faults...
We split up a year ago over similar issues, he went to counselling and seemed to have really changed and wanted things to work out between us. Our family and friends all thought I should give him another chance. Maybe I'm being too harsh on him..

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

I'd get 'pretty impatient' if I couldn't come into my own home and relax.

On second thoughts, I'd get 'pretty ugly' if I was prevented from relaxing in my own home when I needed or chose to, and I'd make pretty damn sure'that my home was free of any mpediment to my sense of well-being.

Presumably he puts his feet up and chills whenever it suits him while denying you the same right? If that's the case, you know you've got an abusive twunt on your hands and sooner or later you'll be one of 'the things' that he throws around the room

[buzzswellington]

Appearances are often very important to abusive people and being charming and warm to other people can sometimes almost seem a weapon against their partner - after all, who would believe them - he's such a nice guy? And who will support them - cos he's such a nice guy! It's great to have the family onside, then it makes it even harder for the person to get out for the pressure of not disappointing them. Doesn't mean he really is that nice guy.

[izzywhizzysmincepies]

When it comes to preserving your sense of self-worth and self-esteem, honey, you can't be too harsh.

If he doesn't agree to more counselling, there's little point in hoping that he's going to change his ways.

[cestlavielife]

talk to your midwife
get some counselling
talk to womens aid they happy just to talk things thru with you

you need to be sure of yourself here because you will need to stand up for your baby too. dont rely on what your friends/family tell you. go abck to teh counsellor on your own.

stand up for yourself -" i am pregnant if i need to eat before you get home i need to eat. otehrwise i might faint. i am happy to sit with you and chat while you eat afterwards" if he does not see that as reasonable then really he is not reasonable...

ps throwing objects around is physical violence. imagine you have that newborn with you and he throws some hard object which accidentlaly lands on his/her head? could kill a newborn...

[sweetpea36]

Yeah he watches TV at home but only specific things that he's taped and we sometimes watch stuff together but only stuff we've taped (sorry, recorded digitally, 80s child coming out in me!) on purpose. He can't stand it if I just put the TV on and start watching something I'm interested in. He has to go into another room. Then I feel bad for driving him from our living room with my selfish wish to veg out in front of the telly and end up switching it off! He says it's all because he has good motives and wants to spend quality time with me rather than just watching TV.
Honestly I have no idea if this is reasonable or not. Yes I read some of the other posts and thought 'why in gods name would you stay with this person, it's obvious you should leave', but they seemed more clear cut examples of horrible abusive behaviour.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling on here.

[meltedchocolate]

Actually I want to take that back. I wouldn't want to put someone who perhaps may be in an abusive relationship off leaving having been in one myself. I don't know your whole situation. Sorry, I hit send too quickly. I will ask for that to be removed.

[buzzswellington]

It is unreasonable of him to strop off because you want to watch a bit of telly. There's nothing to stop him reading a book or playing on the computer or doing something else while you watch something if it doesn't interest him.

What would you actually be doing in this 'quality time' he wants?

It sounds like he wants your attention the whole time.

That is pretty worrying actually as you're pregnant.

What is going to happen when you actually can't give him your whole attention whenever he wants it, because of the needs of the baby? What happens when you can't have a conversation or meal without the baby interrupting? What happens when you're too knackered to stay up or do much cos you've been up with the baby all night? If he's stropping now, what's it going to be like when the baby is born?

Don't expect a miraculous change in him just because he'll be a dad.

[sweetpea36]

I feel like a fraud going somewhere like womens' aid when there are women in much worse situations than me. I feel like they would just laugh at me 'what, so your husband's a bit grumpy? Get over it! We have people in physical danger to help...'
But I do feel a bit clearer, even if it's not outright abuse he's making both of us unhappy. Things started to get worse again after he stopped seeing the counsellor. I think we need to have a big talk and see if he will admit he's still got issues and go back. I can't see things getting better once the baby is born, as I'll only be more tired and be able to give him less attention and less able to put up with his mood swings.

[sweetpea36]

Hi buzzswellington, you posted exactly along the lines I was thinking about the baby at the same time as me. I don't really know what this 'quality time' thing is about, that's what is so frustrating. We often have dinner together, go away for weekends, meals out, go for walks together etc so it's not like I just totally ignore him all the time and the whole relationship is just work, chores and watching telly! I honestly don't know what he wants. I've asked him but he doesn't seem to know. He even says he envies me for being so 'laid back' and just able to read or whatever and chill out, but surely that's normal! Then he keeps saying he wants things to be 'special' more but if he doesn't think it's special then why is he married to me? Surely having a baby is pretty 'special' in itself!
I'm amazed by all this advice and concern by total strangers - thankyou all of you.

[sweetpea36]

PS I have tried the 'I need to eat and rest, so if you don't like it then tough' type of approach - but that's when he says I'm really harsh and critical and 'have a go' at him all the time.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

He certainly sounds exhausting and rather tiresome. Why shouldn't you be able to relax and watch TV in your own house? What does being 'special' mean? And how is he going to cope when your attention is completely on the baby, and all the baby's demands come first?

[buzzswellington]

That's an overreaction on his part to you asserting yourself. It's not "having a go" at someone to state your needs and look after yourself (especially when pregnant). It does seem like he expects that he comes first and he's the only one who really counts.

I do think you would be very wise to get him back to counselling, at least.

It'll be a very rocky road ahead for you with a new baby unless he gets a handle on this.

[scarletforya]

He is playing the martyr/victim OP when he says you are being 'harsh' because he knows you are soft and easily guilt manipulated.

If you want to go to bed, go to bed and if he starts on with his whining crap totally ignore him.

He is like a child looking for attention, any attention, negative will do. Don't reward him by going along with his manipulations. Just do what you want and if he keeps whinging get rid of him. Lifes too short for the likes of him.

[sweetpea36]

After reading all this I'm now sure it's definitely NOT ME, it's him! But why would he want to stress me out like this when I'm pregnant with his child? I can't understand it at all.