I hate this :(

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

XP had been having an EA for up to 2 years. I spent 2 years in denial, convincing myself it was in my head. Being convinced int was in my head, but ultimately I allowed it to happen.

In Feb this year it finally came to a head when I found confirmation that it was more than EA (but not quite physical yet). XP kicked out. Now living 200m around corner. OW is 50m over road.


I hate having to face her house every time I go off my drive.
I hate having to do school run at same school as her DCs
I hate having pass XPs flat and thinking...oh he's up early this morning...oh yeah it is OW's day off they will be meeting up for a shag after school run
I hate having to watch XP and OWDH standing together all best buddies when one is shagging teh others DW
I hate discouraging my DCs from playing with her DCs
I hate that I can't bear my DCs playing with her DCs (especially after XP admitted he "used them as as an opportunity to reinitiate their affair within 2 weeks of them both lying to OWDH)
I hate that i can't trust XP to have the DCs without using them to facilitate a relationshipe with a married woman.

I hate that I am so exhausted all the time (and I am sleeping at night)
I hate that I have not motivation to get out of bed on teh weekends when XP has DCs
I hate that I have no-one to hug me and kiss me (sexual pleasure can come from other sources but a kiss can't)
I hate the thought that I will be alone forever. Not that I am ready for another relationship but I wouldn't know wheere to start/find someoen when I am ready. Who would want a single mother of 3? When am I going to get out, none of my friends, not that I have many are single looking for a date.

I need to move because I hate the proximity to XP and OW, but can't move far because I am committed to a course.
When I do move I hate that it will be away from DCs father, but I can't stay here, I have nothing keeping me here apart from teh stress of the first few points.

I can't help but think that one solution to all this is to drive my car into a tree. I can categorically say that I am not planning on do anything to faciliate that, but if it did happen it would be a solution IYSWIM.

[carlywurly]

So her DH has no idea, it's still going on and you've managed to stay quiet this long? You're better than me! I think I'd have to contact him (in my situation OW's XH contacted me, and I was so grateful to him.)

I can quite understand how horrible this must be. XH at least conducted his EA a long way from home so I never had to face bumping into OW.

If there's any way, I'd move out of your immediate area, even if it's a few miles, you'll be putting some distance between you and this sordid little affair.

And forget the tree, those dc's need you to be their stability. I know you know this!

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

Yeah, I told OWDH i thought it was going on, before I knew it was 2 way, going on, before I had conclusive proof

OW convinced him it is all in XPs head.

Now they have picked up where they left off (and some I think).

I told OWDH again and was told it was none of my business. But if and when he is ready I can prove it all.

Am going to try and put house on market ASAP but likely to be a few weeks because I need to do a few jobs. Problem is I can't buy cos I am a student so I will have to rent. I also plan to move further afield in 12 months when I finish teacher training so it is 2 moves in short space of time. Not sure how DCs will face that.

The sad thing is I have no financial security issues what so ever. I am actually financially better off without him. He got what he wanted, no DCs standing outside the bathroom nagging him, not having to live in the "shithole" DDs leave behind them and OW...and although there is absolutely no way in this world I would have him back I feel as though I have lost everything whilst he has gained.

And yeah I do know that about the tree...but if DCs were in teh car too there would be no concern over there stability, and there emotional suffering over not having me.

[NulliusInVerba]

Goodness I know you are venting but please dont say things like that.

Dont let his behaviour make you think of ending yours and your childrens lives. It hurts now, but it wont hurt forever. This is not your fault, or theirs.

One thing you could do, which id be very tempted to do, is tell her husband.

Surely it will kick off and she will have to leave. One down, one to go.

Harsh yes, but i have no sympathy for women who become involved with other womens partners.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

To be 100% clear I am not thinking about doing anything like that...more thinking along the lines that if I happen to be unlucky enough to be involved in such an accident it would be a "positive" thing.

[NulliusInVerba]

Ok, well thats good.

To be honest I cant believe she has the audacity to stay across the road from you! Do you know for sure they are together now and its not still an emotional affair? Although after two years id be suprised if there wasnt something else goin on.

I know you feel lonely now but sometimes its good to be single for a while, just you and the DC's.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

XP has admitted that it had become intimate (but not sex) a "few months ago".

I know that they are still meeting up cloak and dagger style (hiding cars around the corner, and other stuff), altough I don't actually know what they are doing when they meet. I have circumstantial observations that suggest that they are "using the bedroom".

XP is not denying that they are still seeing each other behind OWDHs back, and in fact indirectly admitted this a couple of weeks ago.

I know it is none of my business what he does with his time now. But I hate that OWDH is being made a fool of (and he is a friend, not close but still a friend). I hate that my DDs are (by his own admission) being used to faciliate this, and I don't want to indirectly support an immoral relationship via my DDs IYSWIM.

[NulliusInVerba]

But it is your buisness!! Even though you are not together he is doing this opposite your house with your children, And including them in his sordid behaviour.

Im sorry you are surrounded by fuckwitts. Is there anywhere you could go and stay and rent your place out?

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

His argument is that they aren't "doing anything" when they are there. And I believe that 100%...but IMO every minute they are together (particularly in the absence of other adults) is part of the affair even if they "aren't doing anything"?

Renting my place out isn't viable. Neither of us would be eligible of r a new mortgaeg application and we would have to apply for a buy to let mortgage to do that...

[lou33]

I know it doesn't stop you from feeling as you do, but i would imagine that the ow is likely to be pretty anxious that she sees you so often, knowing what you do , and always wondering if you will tell her h, and see you as holding all the cards iyswim.

It sounds like an awful situation for you and your children, sorry you are going through this.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

YEah but whilst she knows I have tried to tell OWDH she is pretty smug that he doesn't believe me. I suspect she has told him it is all in my head and made me out to be a lunatic (but will prove it when the time comes).

[springydaffs]

"thinking along the lines that if I happen to be unlucky enough to be involved in such an accident it would be a "positive" thing."

er, there's no way I could look at that and see it as 'positive' OP, sorry.

I have never wanted to die - I wanted him to die, certainly, but not me, nor my children. If you all died, that would be years and years wasted, years and years of your life and theirs. What's happening that you want to die, your children too - would that be to punish him?

I'm alarmed at some of the things you are saying OP re "ultimately I allowed it to happen". If you think that, he can run rings around you. Whatever the situation is, he did it, not you. Just because you didn't know about it, quashed your suspicions, doesn't make you culpable - you're not God. You also seem to be intimately involved with every single nuance of their affair, down to when they brush their teeth (nearly). This is so unhealthy, like you have every fibre of yourself mashed up with it. You've lost your life OP - go and get it!

In actuality you have a life, your own; you are the mother to children, whose lives are still crucially bound up with yours - 'need' is too mild a word, what they require from you, how tightly they are bound up with you, is a lot stronger than 'needing you'.

Tbh I think you are losing the plot a bit - you need to get away. You may be close to the end of your course but imo it would be better to defer, move, and pick it up later somewhere else. How can you live with this right in your face? You aren't coping OP (who would be??). Please, save your life (and your children's lives) and, literally, run for your life. Get to a safe place. xx

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

Hmm...I think that it is hard to detatch from 'knowing what's going on' given the proximity of it all geographically.

I am forced by proximity to see when they are home/not home.....and when I see certain patterns I can't help but think xyz....I don't actually know any of it is true.

I am planning to move (within few mile radius to complete course). What I can't decide is whether it would do dcs more harm than good to move schools twice in 2 years (although 2 are in yr6 next year so will have too move up to new school then anyway). Maybe that is another thread...

Otoh I think why should I be forced out of my home? Why should my children be forced out, they don't even know why xp has left....

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

I already have written proof.

I have already been accused of blackmailing xp (because I asked him to have some respect and not have ow in house at same time as dcs).

And tbh I need to get away from ow as well as (if not more than) xp, and I can't exactly force her to move.

[lilysmum69]

I think it would be much more productive at this time to tell the OWH what is going in, what he then believes is his problem.
I wouldnt worry about getting "proof" just have a word with him about it, a phone call or a letter if you dont want to talk face to face, that way the OW can have some location stress as well, its not all on your shoulders, she can do the moving not you, until you are ready,

protect the nest you have now,

good luck, you are strong and you will get through this.

[thebunnies]

Depending on your mortgage provider, you can apply for permission to rent your property. They usually look favourably on changes of circumstances. Most charge a fee, maybe £200 to do the paperwork. It would give you some more flexibility around moving.

[springydaffs]

I wasn't blaming you OP - how could you not?! Of course it's not fair that you have to move out of your home, none of this is fair! I'm saying to get away to preserve your sanity. Can you take previous poster's advice and rent at least away from the road where this shit is going on? Then you could keep the kids at their school. I feel for you, this is awful for you.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

I haven't actually approached mortgage provider, but financial advisor has suggested that won't be possible. My mortgage product is earning the bank no money so they would be unlikely to change Mr to buy to let without changing mortgage. Changing mortgage equals new application which won't go thru cos I am full time student.

And I can't decide if moving elsewhere in the village but staying ay the school will be 'good enough'. Having to face school run is not great....

And it is fairly recently that I approached owdh. I guess for him to acknowledge the truth he, as the DH, is effectively letting his DCs leave with her if they spit. Probably easier for him to ignore/deny because he has a lot to lose iyswim.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

And I'm sorry for seeming dismissing and wallowing.

I am planning on moving but that will take time.

[FabbyChic]

You children changing schools twice really is not acceptable, I know it is hard for you but your childen have to come first. Once they start in Year 7 at secondary school the should't be moved, moving children causes them emotional trauma, you can handle it they can't.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

I know fabby. My best plan is to move them at between yr6 and yr7, which isn't great. I would rather move them between 5 and 6 so they integrate into a new peer group that they can go to secondary school with, but thqt won't happen, unfortunately.

Actually staying where we are they will go to a pretty poor middle & school high school, so moving at any point before yr10 probably won't be as bad for them as other children in other areas with a better education 'system' IYSWIM

[NulliusInVerba]

To be fair, it isnt great them moving no, but its a better outcome than having the same school but a mother having a nervous breakdown!!

Ask them how they feel about moving. I'd say you being happy and stable is more essential for them. I dont hear many stories from adults saying "my life was great, but I moved school and my life was over".

There are plenty from people who had unhappy families and that fucked them up. Moving school is the least harmful id say.

[TheOriginalFAB]

Every time you tell her H, he will have to question her and she will have to try and lie her way out of it...