Am I crazy to even consider this?

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

I live in a 2 bedroom house with dh and ds (9 months) and I have been talking to my sister today about her moving in with us. I have said ds can move back into our room but my sister said she doesn't want that so it looks like she'd be sleepling in the living room. This isn't something we have decided on a whim but something that we both, and even dh feel is necessary for her wellbeing.

She is 20 years old and lives with my mum and brother. I am going to list the reasons for ease of understanding and to stop me rambling!

1. Mum has mental and physical health problems which have been going on for years she is unwilling to help herself and if she carries on the way she is she is unlikely to be alive by the end of the year. However it should not be up to my sister to have to put up with her mood swings, overdoses, alcoholism etc. My sister deserves a life Of her own.
   

1. Financially she can't move out on her own. She is trying to get more shifts at work but in the current climate that is difficult. She only earns about £400 a month without overtime. She is supposed to give mum half of this for rent etc but mums extremely poor money management meansy sister never has any money for herself. She has no savings and no opportunity to save anything.
   

1. My brother (17) has a part time job courtesy of my dh however he's lazy and unreliable and likey to get sacked if he carries on. He is disrespectful to my sister expecting her to cook and clean for him and at the same time has stolen money from her. He is supposed to be paying mum rent too but as he is hardly ever in work he never has any money. If he does have money he spends it on himself or lends it to his mates.
   

1. The house could seriously do with a visit from Kim and aggie and even the. It would need fumigating first! Mums health problems have meant it has got worse and worse over the years and there's only so much one person can do when the other occupants don't care. I had the same problem when I lived there too.
   

1. This is a slightly petty reason but I feel is still valid, both my brother and mum smoke. My sister doesn't and hates living in a house full of smokers.
   

So for he reasons above I know that her moving in with us is the right thing however I'm concerned how we are going to cope with the lack of privacy for all of us and the emotional implications her moving out with have on our mum and on us. No matter what she has done or does she is still our mum and we love her, we just hate the things she does iykwim?

If anyone has any tips on coping with this sort of thing it would be a great help.

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

Sorry about all the typos! I've never posted from my phone before and autcorrect is a pain!

[perfumedlife]

Well, I think that this is very good of you but have you really thought this through? I mean, what if it just doesn't work out, have you discussed the next move?

If I were you I think I would insist on her having the baby's room, if nothing else, it means she can sit in there when she wants space and it gives you and dh some freedom too. Her constantly being in the living room must surely be a pain? Would she be a help with your ds?

[tallwivglasses]

Agree. You haven't got the space for it to be long-term. Short-term could work.

[diggingintheribs]

I would make sure she understands it is temporary and that she has a plan to move on (I assume she will be able to save at last).

Then I would insist she have baby room. I don't think it will work otherwise.

[moondog]

You sound like a very caring sister and it seems a terrible situation.

[MirandaGoshawk]

I don't think YABU at all. The alcoholism especially is a very good reason for your Dsis not to be there any more.

If she lives with you, could you afford to move to somewhere with another bedroom? If not, I think it will only work if your DS moves back into your room.

[ohhappyday]

This is a lovely thing you are doing for your sister. The poor soul needs and deserves a break. The arrangement does not have to be forever, give her time to settle down, get some savings together etc and I am sure with your help and support she will manage to get a place of her own.

The arrangement will only work though, if both you and your DH truly WANT to have your sister with you.

With regards to sleeping arrangements I think she is being very sensitive in not wanting to use the babies room. Again, I would point out that this would not be forever and your DS would adapt quickly. I think the main thing would be to make your sister feel welcome and wanted.

Personally, I wouldn't be to concerned with the effect on your Mum and brother, they are both adults and capable of making their own choices. If they want to live like this then that is their choice. Your sister is not their personal servant.

Also, with regard to the smoking, this is not petty, I couldn't cope in a house with smokers, she needs to leave for the sake of her own mental and physical help.

I would advise setting out ground rules at first, like housework, privacy etc. Then every one will know where they stand making life for you all much easier.

It is heartwarming to hear of you caring for your sister like this. In my opinion this is what families should do for each other. Many Blessings.

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

She is great with ds but I have already told her that I wouldn't expect or ever ask her to do anything for him in terms of looking after him, it's mine and Dh's responsiblity to look after him not hers.

And that's just it about her living here. I love having my own space and being able to walk around naked if I want to but I feel that for a few months I can deal with it to help her in the long term. If she doesn't leave I feel like she will end up looking after my mum for the rest of her life. My sister has never had a boyfriend because she can't take anyone home, she missed a lot of school around the time of her gcses so didn't get the grades she should have because she was helping my mum look after our grandparents (I had already left home at 16 after being kicked out by mum during one of her moods). She didn't complete her a levels because mum needed her to work instead.

If she moved out there would be nothing to stop her moving back if it didnt work out. I feel like I really need to help my sister and I can't think of any other way to do t.

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

Sorry xposted! Dh is fine with it and I have always been the one who was wary because of the problems it could cause but after one of the latest episodes with my mum and brother he has said that if it were one of his brothers he wouldn't hesitate to have them live with us.

We could see how it goes then look into moving somewhere bigger if she can't find her own place I suppose. I was lucky that I could move out and in somewhere else with dh and we were both working full time so for her to do it on her own seems impossible on her current wage.

[cuttingpicassostoenails]

What a good sister you are. I agree with the poster upthread who said that it would be better for her to have your child's room. That way she would have some privacy and so would you.

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

Gaahhh! But I also feel I have to be honest and say that I don't want to disrupt our lives. It shouldn't be up to me to do this and mum should be normal and like everyone else and there should be someone else there who cares about us to sort things like this out. It's always up to us and it's not fair. I want my life with dh and ds and I know my sister wants her own life too but I feel nasty and selfish for even thinking it. I've discussed this in length with my sister and she knows all this already. She has 2 cats at my mums that she doesn't want to leave but can't bring here. It would be difficult for her to get to work from my house.

I can't think of any othr way around this though.

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

Neither of us are sure what to do.

[twooter]

Could she share with your ds - have it as her bedroom for use during the day, but have him in the cot at night?

[Selks]

You sound a lovely sister to have. I wish your sister all the best, and I hope she gets a positive new start when she moves in with you. After a little while it might be an idea for her to start formulating a plan for longer term living arrangements, as it may not work long term.

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Short term it would be more likely to work. It is a brilliant thing that you're doing for your sister!
Other options are available though later on:
Has she looked into houseshares at all? She probably couldn't afford one on the hours she's on but if she can get more hours it'd be worth looking into. There's also plenty of live-in jobs available around the country which might also be worth looking into for her? I've only just stopped 'normal' seasonal work and found it brilliant for saving money as they usually provide you cheap rooms (up to £50ish a week) and 35+ hours a week of work :)

I hope it works out for you all :)

[ohhappyday]

I once heard I saying that I try to live by, If your afraid of doing something you know is right just do it afraid.

I totally understand when you say that you shouldn't have to do this and I agree completely. However, not everything in life is perfect or easy ( I wanted a family life like the waltons when I was young) but it is these situations and challenges that strengthen us. Take comfort from the fact you and your sister are breaking the cycle. There are many in the world tonight wishing they had a sister and brother in law like you both. GO FOR IT you will not regret it your sister sounds lovely and mature.

[sunshineandbooks]

ShinyMoon I think you are lovely.

The most important question in all this is: how do you and your DSis get on?

When I left my abusive X (in a hurry) I moved in with a friend because I was literally homeless. There was her, her DD and and her Ds and me and my DTs in a three-bed house. It was cramped and privacy was not great (she's also a smoker and I'm not), but do you know what? Despite the lack of room, it was a fab 6 months that I consider a high-point in my life despite the obvious trauma I was going through at the time.

If you and your DSis are close, this will probably work out, especially if it is only a short-term thing. If you don't really get on but you're doing this because you're both good people and you consider it the right thing to do, it could get sticky...

If it were me, I would go for it but insist on your DSis taking your DS's room and make sure it's for a 6-12 month period only. That's enough time for her (with your support) to find an alternative arrangment.

What you're doing is beautiful and a wonderful illustration of how families can work well.

Good luck.

[OneBadAsp]

YANBU at all. i was in a similar situation to your sister not too long ago, living with a family member with terrible money management, complaining we didn't give enough money, then frittering it away one useless crap for themselves. there was lots of drinking and smoking (while i was pregnant no less, was told she had smoked through her pregnancies so i would just have to deal with it), and the house was, 95% of the time, a hovel. it's exactly as you say, there is only so much someone can do to keep a house tidy when everyone else is making it a tip, it's like trying to swim against a tide. it's depressing and infuriating and hopeless.

you are a star for letting her move in with you. it will give her a fresh start, no emotional stress, no unreasonable demands, and space to think and sort her own life out. i wish i had a sister like you!

[BarbieGrows]

I think it will help all of you if your sister moves in. You benefit from knowing that your sister is OK, your brother will benefit because he will have to make some major decisions about his life. It is likely that his sister mopping up all the time has meant that he hasn't had to face the situation that he's really in. The fact that he's 17 means also that social services might pull their finger out in terms of offering support to your Mum.

Your mother obviously needs a carer, so far your sister has done this but she need not do it, and it is often the case that close family are often not the best people to be carers.

It's great to have a younger person in the house - particularly for children.

This could work out to be the best decision you've made for all the family. It is also likely that your sister will be able to move on and be independent in the future.

[TidyDancer]

You sound absolutely lovely OP. :)

I think this is a wonderful thing to do in the short term and to get her out of the family home quickly, it's a good plan. Sorry if I've missed anyone suggesting this, but is there any chance she could get a flat from the council/HA? Sounds like in a low income situation, it could be an option.

She clearly does need to get out of the setup she is in, no doubt about it, it's not going to be a good place for her to remain in.

[BalloonSlayer]

OP, you are a lovely sister.

Like someone else said, if you ask yourself "What's the right thing to do?" it all becomes quite clear, difficult though it may be.

Perhaps she could keep her stuff in your DS's room during the day (is there room for somewhere to sit?) but actually sleep on the sofa?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Shiny

I think this could help your sister and everyone could benefit from this - but there will still have to be ground rules here. Everyone needs to know what is expected of each other. There needs to be full and frank discussions before she moves in with you regarding who does what (and not after she moves in!). There also needs to be a leaving date; this cannot remain open ended.

Sleeping on the sofa could likely give your sister back problems so that is a no.

Another thing to look at here are any possible implications regarding your council tax and house insurance as she will be residing in your house.

[loverboys]

why cant she sleep in same room as the baby that would be best option. weve had someone staying in our living room it was a bit of a nightmare. babies get up early and when you get up early and theyre in there with their camp bed and they dont immediately get up! its annoying! plus when was the last time you lived with your sister, does she stay out late etc. is she messy? these things are important. if she can bed with the baby then great. if not then you are in for a rough ride. with all the best will in the world it is too in a small space, tempers will fray and last thing you want is to fall out with her if shes having a terrible time seeing your mum going through that.

btw sleeping on the sofa, the girl needs a good sleep like we all do

[dollius]

OP - I would do what you are doing in a shot. Personally, I would insist on taking DS back into my room and giving the other room to her. This is because I would want the living area to remain ours if you see what I mean. I think it will be less intrusive for you if she is in her own room.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's just one of those things you have to do, isn't it? Of course it will be somewhat less than ideal but it should only be a few months before she can get back on her feet. I agree with Attila that you need to set a boundaries so you all know where you stand, eg how much rent, how you split domestic duties and how long this arrangement can last (you can always extend it if it suits you later on).

Poor thing is probably so used to being at the bottom of the heap that she doesn't feel she deserves a real room all to herself.