Seeing a counsellor makes me crazy ... apparently

[cathkidstonbag]

i don't know how to link to my last post, but basically big marital problems which mean I've had an EA which ended messily and thanks to the advice on here I decided to see a counsellor :)
Made the mistake at the weekend of telling my DH. We've been getting on better so I thought I would tell him. He thinks it is a totally ridiculous waste of money. People will think I'm a nutter if they find out so he doesn't want me to tell anyone. Or know anything about it. He just kept going on how unnecessary it was, that there's nothing wrong with our marriage :( And it has been better but it won't last I know.
I know he isn't going to let it go and truthfully we aren't exactly flush with cash at the moment but my head hurts trying to keep so much hidden away in it.

[merrywidow]

If you feel you need a counsellor, keep going.

By the way, anything you think he wastes money on?

[MilkandWine]

Sounds like he is in complete denial to me. Sadly some people still see visiting a councellor as a sign of 'weakness'. Total nonsense of course but there you go. Of couse others won't think you are a nutter, it is his own ignorance that is making him say that.

Has he not thought that maybye you are getting on better because of the counselling and therefore it is beneficial to you? I really wouldn't stop going if you feel it is helping you. Make it clear to him that it is something you need and if he can't support you then that's upto him but it isin't going to stop you going.

And well done for going in the first place, it is very brave to admit you need help and to take the steps to get it.

[cathkidstonbag]

No he's pretty good where money is concerned. The only thing he spends a lot on is me ... makes up for not spending time with me apparently!

Haven't started the counselling yet, couldn't get an appointment till next week. But I was actually looking forward to it - sounds bizarre but I so want to feel better

[Deux]

Your DH's comments are all about him and nothing about you.

I think it shows his own fears. Do you think his comments are designed to prevent you going to see a counsellor? Is he scared of what it might throw up? Worried that you will have more confidence and self esteem? Courage?

If he sees positive changes in you that may make him more fearful. He may also feel worried that you'll not want him any more once you have some more insight.

Sometimes even those we think should have our best interests at heart, don't. He may have a vested interest in keeping you and your relationship exactly as and where they are.

Don't let him sabotage this step that you are taking. Good luck with the counselling.

[chipmonkey]

Oh well, if that's true, half the people I know are crazy, so at least you're not alone!

Seriously, it probably has less to do with how people will perceive you and more about how counselling will make you see him. He may be afraid that the counsellor will point out the flaws in him/your relationship and cause the end of the marriage?

[JamieAgain]

Exactly what Deux says

[totallylost]

Well then I am crazy too cos I have first counselling session too. DH just says good you need help. Yes I bloody do, help to deal with you you prat, help to deal with you thinking I can put my life on hold and expect nothing until you decide whether you still want to be in love with me.

[totallylost]

He is probably scared counselling will make you realise that you are not the one with all the problems.

[MilkandWine]

He spends money on you because he doesn't spend time with you? He actually says that?

Why is he not spending time with you? Is it work related or is he choosing not to spend time with you?

He sounds a peach I must say!

[cathkidstonbag]

Oh he's definately worried! I originally wanted us to go together at Xmas time, he refused - there was no need as he was happy apparently. It wasn't relevant that I wasn't :(
And yes I know he's afraid of what they might say about him, but I have told him it's positive that I want to do this. I am trying to save our marriage, albeit on my own after I have damaged it further.
I can just see I'm going to end up either not going or blurting out to him why I'm going there. It's not just because if OM, although the pain is far worse now he's started reeling me in again :( but everything that all that has brought up to the surface. I can't function properly at the moment, have times when I can't even breathe properly.

[cathkidstonbag]

Milkandwine - work related. But he loves his work, trying for a promotion even though I have begged him to find a less well-paid job and spend more time with me and our children. All I ever wanted was a family, but it's just me most of the time. All the presents don't make up for the occasional help with bedtime or eating dinner at a sensible time.

[Deux]

Sweetie, I know this is hard but don't let him derail you. This is for you.

You will feel better when you have a safe place to air your feelings. You may feel a little worse at first and even feel resistant to the process but if you keep going it will be worth it.

[MilkandWine]

How are you trying to save your marriage after you've 'Damaged it futher?' Did you do something or are those his words?

I am sorry he puts work above you and family. Have you told him how unhappy it makes you? All the presents in the world cannot make up for him always being at work. Also his children are missing out on having a dad, does he not want to spend time with them?

Sorry I can't be more helpful, grrrr I despair of men sometimes, what is bloody wrong with them!

[cathkidstonbag]

I damaged it further (he doesn't know) by having an online affair with an ex for 3 months. I haven't told him as our marriage had been bad for years, that's not an excuse I did a terrible thing I know. But i also know DH will leave me if I tell him.

Oh I've told him about being unhappy ... and told him ... and told him. He will throw back at me that without him I would be nothing and have nothing. He is never going to change, at Xmas I asked him to choose theoretically between changing his job or losing me. He said he'd never change his job.

[jugglingwiththreeshoes]

My DH made a huge fuss about the money the one time we went to see a counsellor - after a crisis in our relationship I think it's fair to say largely created by him.
We spent half our session deciding how much to pay for the session, and had a big row on the tube on the way home. I was sad that he didn't think our relationship was worth £40 or whatever (the way I saw things)
He just thought there were a couple of good CD's he could have bought instead !
I think it's a shame "relate" can't offer more than one initial session. Three sessions or so could begin to get somewhere with lots of people

[mathanxiety]

'I haven't told him as our marriage had been bad for years, that's not an excuse I did a terrible thing I know. But i also know DH will leave me if I tell him.

Oh I've told him about being unhappy ... and told him ... and told him. He will throw back at me that without him I would be nothing and have nothing. He is never going to change, at Xmas I asked him to choose theoretically between changing his job or losing me. He said he'd never change his job.'

I really hope your counsellor will ask you why you keep setting him (and yourself) up to choose/lose, why you are doing things to sabotage the relationship, give him an excuse to dump you, and choose to interpret things he does or doesn't do in the light of excuses for yourself to distance yourself from the relationship and avoid intimacy with him. Why should that take time and some sacrifice on his part? Would there be any guarantee that you would be there waiting for him if he were to stop thinking about the promotion and spend more time at home?

He is possibly getting a lot out of his job right now, emotionally speaking, and he clearly has a lot invested in it. It probably makes him feel good about himself to be a 'good provider' with prospects of being an even better one. Why is this a glass half empty for you? Are you shifting the goalposts for him? Do you think he might sense that he is coming up short with you and redoubling his efforts at work as some sort of consolation prize?

[JeffTracy]

...marital problems which mean I've had an EA

If he does not know about the affair, then I'm not surprised he wonders why you are going to see a counsellor. It would be a mystery to most of us.

He says there is nothing wrong with your marriage, so that seems to be the main problem as you clearly do. Could you have a heart to heart and explain to DH how unhappy you are? You need to get that across to him or things will only get worse.

Really sorry to hear how unhappy you are.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Look omg as you know, I recall your other threads and I understand precisely why Math has had that response to this one and I agree with her, especially based on the limited information you've posted here.

What I think Math has astutely picked up is that you see yourself as a victim in all this and therefore you seem to have a tendency not to own your own choices, or acknowledge that you have them. As you know, it's something I gave you a bit of a hard time for, on your other threads.

I notice for example that you blame the OM for "reeling you back in" but that's rather disingenuous of you, because you have been communicating with him yourself and he has now presumably responded at last. On another thread, you blamed him for ignoring your appeals and now you're upset that he's hooked you again.

We don't have your H's side of the story here, but you have painted him on other threads as a controlling, emotionally abusive man. Perhaps because of your difficult childhood, you have had difficulty asserting yourself in your marriage and making transparent choices to leave the marriage. But as you know, having an affair is a covert aggressive act - punishing someone without him knowing he is being punished. That's fruitless because as punitive acts go, the message doesn't hit home and it puts you in the wrong because you are being passive and deceitful about your choices.

I also think you've got confused and flawed objectives for the counselling - you say the therapy is about trying to make your marriage better on your own. But that can't be the case if you're trying to sabotage it elsewhere by resuming contact with the OM.

Now, if you were to say that the counselling was to explore why you behave in the way you do, or to help you take responsibility for your choices, or to develop the courage to stand apart from both men who as you describe them, are in their own ways manipulative abusers - or all these objectives, then it could be enormously worthwhile.

[cathkidstonbag]

Mathanxiety and WWIFN - have taken your comments on board. I am hopeful that counselling will help me to decide and take ownership for my choices. I think I have carried the burden of an abusive childhood for a long time and this means I find it hard to take control of my life as an adult. That isn't an excuse but it has a bearing on my behaviour.
Yes you only hear my side of the story but I can assure you over the years there have been numerous occasions where friends have witnessed his behaviour and been shocked by it. I have chosen to ignore their advice and try to continue on. This needs to change.
I have told my DH I will be going to counselling, had started considering cancelling it but once again we are at a weekend and the arguments start all over again. Life cannot carry on like this.

[tadpoles]

Establishing a connection with another person presumably means that there are gaps in your current situation. I just don't get the terminology of 'emotional affair'. As far as I am concerned an affair is having some kind of sexual relationship outside of your marriage (although Bill Clinton might disagree!!) Creating an emotional/romantic bond with someone outside of your marriage is not an 'affair' in my books. It's a crush, connection, romantic yearning, flirtation, romance or something of that nature. I just don't get why people (women particularly) agonise for years over this type of situation. I mean - so what? If the OP is unhappy in her marriage then I think counselling is a great idea and the partner can go jump. His attitude towards her going to counselling speaks volumes. Just go and tell him to bog off, ffs!! He probably doesn't want you to go because he knows that you will end up talking about how irritating you find him to the counsellor. And s/he will encourage you to talk about how you feel. If he has a problem with that, that is his problem.

[tadpoles]

In the olden days 'romantic love' was considered to be the most esteemed kind of love and was reserved for knights who pined after unavailable women and wrote love songs and all that stuff. Romantic love is really not to be confused with marriage, which is another kettle of fish altogether. Both have their place!!

[cathkidstonbag]

Thank you tadpoles. Yes he does think I will talk about him and of course I will - 20 years of marriage, the last five pretty miserable, means I have lots I want to discuss. Obviously it isn't just about him but the impact all this has on my DCs. And how I stop my unhappiness impacting on their happiness if that makes sense.
And yes there were/are gaps if not huge great chasms!!!!

[meltedchocolate]

Sorry, what's EA? It's not in the acronym list.

[cathkidstonbag]

Emotional affair, no physical stuff