Husband thinks its a woman's job!

[enoisi]

I've only been married 2 years and I can't stand my DH. We have a 15th month old daughter. We both work, I contribute half of everything , do all the cooking, housework and take careof daughter all by myself. He does not help as he says his job is tiring. Should I leave? What effect will it have on my daughter? We are both 40.

[GypsyMoth]

you cant stand him??

then leave if thats how you feel,lifes too short and your daughter will fare bbetter with a happy mum than she would with a miserable one!

[JeffTracy]

Why do you do housework, cooking and looking after your DD by yourself? He says he's tired, so you cook his meals and clean up? Could you let him do that instead?

It is sad to hear he's gone from 'love of your life' to 'can't stand him' in 2 years. How long have you known each other?

[steamedtreaclesponge]

He sounds like an entitled prick. Does he do anything at all for your daughter? Was he always like this?

[NicknameTaken]

Any chance he'd go to Relate with you?

What would happen if you went on strike and refused to cook his meals?

[TryLikingClarity]

I wouldn't rush into dumping him! But I would stop acting like his maid for a while and let him do some things for himself. That should stop him acting like you are a house servant and realise that he is actually a grown up.

Does he interact well with your DD? Is he a good loving father?

What was he like before your DD was born?

[enoisi]

Thanks JeffTracy, I have known him 3 years. It turns out DH's late mum did the same for them before divorcing their DAD and later passing away. DH is extremely untidy, if I don't do the cleaning, my DD and I will live in filth. I cannot cook for myself and hide the food, so now I cook food he does not like so he is forced to cook his. In past, I feel I have giving up too easily on most things that is why I want to persevere in this situation. Also for my daughters sake. I am posting this as I am not sure how much longer i can stand this

[CheekyVIN0Time]

What job does he do? My husband has a tiring job, he can be out from 7am to 8pm at night and still helps with tea time, bathing, bedtime with our DC. No job is too tiring to not help around the house - what about weekends? Days off??

what a prick.

[headfairy]

start charging him for the work you do at home. Or you could reduce the amount you contribute to bills, saying it's pay for the domestic duties you carry out. For if it was indeed "work" you would be paid for it. You would also be entitled to at least one day off a week, plus paid leave. So tell him he can either consider giving you proper working conditions or he can leave.

[enoisi]

Thanks to all who have responded.

Before we got married, he cooked occasionally. As for interacting with DD, it is strictly at his convenience, he plays with her for about 15 to 30 mins in the morning while getting ready for work and in the evening while playing games on his PC. I have gone o strike before,he did make his own meals but made such a mess in the kitchen afterwards, I ended staying up most nights tidying up. DD plays in the kitchen sometimes.

[JeffTracy]

That sounds like a very difficult situation enoisi. I feel you are avoiding a confrontation with him by cooking food he doesn't like. I know it is difficult, but if things have got so bad you have to confront him - it is time he started helping or I get the impression you are not happy to stay much longer

[rainbowinthesky]

You need to stop cleaning up after him. That would irritate me tbh if someone cleaned up after me. Have you tried talking to him about it?

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

What on earth are you getting out of living with this man? You can get rid of him and still get some cash out of him without having to clear up after him all the time. Does he pester for sex as well? Or is this one of the rare cases where, as well as providing money, the man is actually so gorgeous and desirable between the sheets that it's almost worth putting up with his selfishness and sexism.

[pallymama]

rainbowinthesky - exactly what I was going to ask! My DH can be a right lazy fecker around the house, but a lot of it is bad habits (from living with parents!) and just not realising how difficult he makes things when he's lazy. I am glad to say that he is steadily getting better now.

[enoisi]

Thank you. Ihave tried talking to him, hit ends up being a shouting match, he talks over the top of me sometimes.To be fair, we have had a few weeks in this marriage when things worked out, but I would take your advice and stop cooking.

rainbowinthesky, I only clean up after hiom for health and safety. He has fungi infected feet, yet leves his socks on the computer desk, dining table on the floor etc. Leaves his used ice cream wrapper and stick on the floor, leaves his used dinner plateand cups lying around, places leftover food items, tea bags in the sink with dirty dishes and water. I have to fish the soggy tea bags food etc before ding the dishes to allow the water drain. His clothes and shoes are everywhere. That is why i clean up after him or my dd puts the socks in her mouth!

[noodle69]

say its a mans job to contribute the cash and be the provider and then just keep all money you make to yourself. If he doesnt like it say well you better buck up or get lost then!

[headfairy]

Oh my God enoisi, he sounds absolutely terrible. I think actually it's gone past the stage of not cooking for him. He needs a serious kick up the backside. Do you have someone you can stay with for a while for a trial separation? Normally I wouldnt' recommend leaving the family home, but if he goes back to his parents house he won't learn a thing. He needs to seriously think whether he wants you around, and the terms of you being there are that he undertakes his fair share of running the home. If not then for me the trial separation would be permenant.

[pallymama]

So does he think it's perfectly acceptable for you to leave his share of housework duties up to you? I'll bet if he tried shirking his responsibilties at his work they'd pull him up on it pretty quick. If he openly admits that he thinks all the housework is woman's work, I'd leave him, simple as. That's not the environment I'd want my DD to grow up in. I would not want her being brought up to believe that is her role in life.

If he accepts that half the work load is his responsibilty, I would stay, but with a few changes in place! A rota for a start. He can do his own flipping laundry, and I would get a big box, and everytime he leaves stuff lying about, dump it in the box and put it on the floor on his side of the bed. If things still didn't improve, I would consider leaving.

[CinnabarRed]

He sounds truly, literally, stomach-churningly disgusting.

How on earth could you bring yourself to conceive DD with a fungally infected man?

I would ask him to leave or, failing that, leave with DD. Permanently. I just couldn't stand to be in that house.

[ShoutyHamster]

Don't stay and 'persevere' just because you don't think you should give up.

That's not a good reason to waste your life!!

Stay and give it your best shot at improving things. This should start with sitting him down and making it CRYSTAL CLEAR that this is not working for you. That things will not stay as they are. That you wish to work on this - discussion, Relate, plan of action involving reassessment of household duties - but that should he ignore you (or try and talk over you when you are attempting to communicate with him!) that you will STOP wanting to sort it out very very quickly and will make plans for separation instead.

If he is receptive, make improvement plans and carry them through.

If things then slack off after time, if improvements are temporary or are accompanied by whingeing, aggressiveness etc. - leave, knowing that you didn't give up, you tried to sort things out and as it didn't work, you cut your losses like any sensible person instead of banging your head against a brick wall for thirty miserable years or more.

If he is NOT receptive, cut straight to that last bit. Mean what you say and don't back down - well, you can if you want, but empty threats will just make you your own worst enemy in the end.

Not 'giving up' - a sensible, brave and entirely logical way to solve the problem.

Good luck!

[headfairy]

The talking over the op and shouting her down really upsets me actually. Some men can be horrible bullys, not just untidy and dirty. He sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

[enoisi]

Thank you all once again, I don't know why I did not post this message earlier, if Iwere to tell 'all', it would take me at least a day to type out my message. But from all your respose, i realise now that something needs to be done, i feel better and reassured.. I will discuss things with him and make it clear, I will not leave like this anymore.

I used to be a very strong woman that everyone came to for help. I do not know how i ended up in this situation. I am grateful.

P.S. SPRINGCHICKENGOLDBRASS, HE IS RUBBISH IN BED!

[ShoutyHamster]

That is the least surprising fact you have revealed so far OP!!

Hold the front page! 'Selfish, Lazy, Entitled Gitbloke in ''Crap In Bed'' Shocker'