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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I tell her about her DH's affair

50 replies

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 11:01

Have name changed.

If you knew that someone was having an affair (I am 100% sure), would you tell their wife?

My instinct says to keep out of it, another part of me says if it was me I would want to know.

He is being REALLY duplicitous. She has no idea and thinks the sun shines out of his backside.

OP posts:

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Snuppeline · 21/03/2011 11:03

If you have concrete proof which you can show her then yes I would. Make sure you can prove it though otherwise it can all get messy with lots of anger directed towards you and she deciding she believes him not you etc.

Aislingorla · 21/03/2011 11:05

Or tell the DH what you know and give him a chance to tell her first, maybe?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2011 11:07

How well do you know either of them?.

You may not be thanked if you were to impart such information to her even if you think you are acting with the best of intentions. She may well have some suspicions or is choosing to bury her head in the sand. She may well lash out at you. Tread very carefully because you could lose her friendship over this.

bronze · 21/03/2011 11:07

Yes with absolute proof.

How many times do we read about how someones husband was having an affair and friends knew but noone told the wife.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2011 11:08

I'd tackle him first off particularly if you know him at all better than she.

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 11:10

Oh gawd, I always say that it's a terrible idea to get involved in other people's realtionships - you never know what goes on behind closed doors, she might know and be turning a blind eye, or they might have 'an arrangement', or whatever.

If you have 100% proof then I'd approach the husband and give him a chance to come clean. At least then if he does, your friend doesn't have the double humiliation of knowing someone else knew before her IYSWIM?

exhausted2011 · 21/03/2011 11:12

yes, she would want to know, surely?

babyapplejack · 21/03/2011 11:12

The consequences will be catastrophic. (My DH had an affair a year ago).

Need more details to judge whether to tell her - which one of them is your friend for eg...are there kids involved? how old?

Bramshott · 21/03/2011 11:29

I wouldn't (and haven't in these sorts of circumstances). You never know from the outside what goes on in a relationship.

So unless there are other major circumstances that might mean she needs to be warned - eg. if she is about to relocate because of his job or something then I would keep quiet.

ivykaty44 · 21/03/2011 11:31

how do you know she has no idea?
how good a friend is she?
if you tell, it is unlikely you will stay friends whatever the outcome of the marriage

Kiwinyc · 21/03/2011 12:02

Follow your instincts...

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 12:20

Thanks all,

I think at this stage I am just going to keep this to myself and maybe it will fizzle out...I know that's a cop out, and TBH if it was me, I would definitely want to know, but I don't know whether I want to get involved.

You don't ever know what goes on in other peoples relationships, and maybe she wouldn't thank me.

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 12:34

If you told her it would change your relationship with her forever. Even if she was ultimately thankful for the information, she would feel mortified and humiliated that you found out and had to be the one to tell her. I think she'd forever after always feel weird around you.

Better to stay out of it. If you can keep an eye on errant husband and he continues to take the piss then maybe tell him you're onto him. Or you could give an anonymous tip-off.

Aislingorla · 21/03/2011 12:47

How do you know?

Aislingorla · 21/03/2011 12:48

About your friend's husband's affair, I mean.

makemineabaileys · 21/03/2011 12:59

I saw them together.
There's no mistaking what I saw.
And it was in a different town about 40 miles away.
So when I next spoke to her she said he's been visiting his parents for the weekend.
He didn't see me.

OP posts:

BarbaraBar · 21/03/2011 13:03

Yikes. It sounds like a full on affair if he's spending the weekend with her.

Can you say to her that you saw someone who looks just like her dh with another woman in X town in a kind of "oh how funny" way. She may have an inkling already.

Babs17 · 21/03/2011 13:04

yes depending what you saw it is almost certainly an affair, but even if you saw them kissing he will be able to get away with it eg yes i was kissing a woman - my sister!

Aislingorla · 21/03/2011 13:06

Thanks, personally,I would be hurt and upset if my friend had this information and didn't tell me. I would not be able to consider her a true friend. Even if it 'fizzles out'. It is still harmful and not right. Please, confront him.

kitkat1000 · 21/03/2011 13:09

i would say something - if she finds out you knew you would have no friendship either and if you don't tell her and she finds out he has had an affair you will struggle to look her in the eye. I don't think you can think about how it may backfire on you - you are her friend and if you tell her, you know you did what you thought was best for her. Ask yourself if the situation was reversed!

MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 13:11

For me it would depend on so many things - who you have the stronger relationship with, and loyalty to, out of the two of them. Eg if the woman being cheated on was my sister or best friend, I would feel I had no choice but to tell them.

Also is the woman happy in her relationship or is she having doubts & suspicions which she has aired to you anyway?

I would always err on the side of keeping out of it unless I felt I really could not do so - or maybe speaking to the man concerned and telling him what you saw.

kitkat1000 · 21/03/2011 13:11

i wouldn't tell him - even if he promises to end it - if it ever gets out that you knew that would be even worse! That would seem like you and him were deciding what's best for her. Go straight to her.

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MooMooFarm · 21/03/2011 13:15

Kitkat sorry I didn't explain what I meant very well. I meant to say that if I felt I had no choice but to tell, I would try talking to the man first, along the lines of 'you have x amount of time to tell your W about this before I do it for you'...

kitkat1000 · 21/03/2011 13:17

moomoo, i was only responding in general to some others comments as i hadn't seen your post at the time! :) but yes, i agree with you thats' what i'd do!

Vicky2011 · 21/03/2011 13:22

Assuming it is the woman, not him, who is your friend (and a close, long-term friend) I would tell her. I would want to know, I can't imagine that any woman wouldn't want to. I would expect one of friends to tell me what they had seen.

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