Is my marriage over?

[warzone]

I have been unhappy for so long, I just don't know what happy is any more.

I feel embarrassed when we're out with him with family and friends.

I prefer to share the bed with my DD than with DH.

I fantasise about living on my own (with DD of course).

I constantly have to stop myself from telling him what I really think.

I am constantly irritated by what he says and does.

He is an alcoholic. I feel like I'm losing any respect for him I might have had left.

But I'm really scared. I don't know how to leave. What if it's a mistake? How do I deal with the practical stuff? Who moves out of our home? What will happen to DD?

What if I'm wrong and just ungrateful for what I've got?

[Underachieving]

There are organisations out there to support families of alcoholics, like Al Anon. Things like how to leave him, or how to kick him out, are things that you can take your time to consider. Don't rush, but do ask any questions on your mind.

[FourFortyFour]

You could have a separation. It doesn't have to be forever if it is a mistake.

[warzone]

I have suggested marriage counselling. He refuses in that macho 'I'm not telling some jumped up pseudo scientist my problems' kind of way.

DD is 2.6

Did you ever have any regrets?

I've been with him a long time. Since we were teenagers. Now in late thirties. That's a lot of shared history. I'm completely terrified.

[warzone]

Have been to a couple of al anon meetings. It was helpful but it's really hard to go because he hates me going. It just causes upset all round.

[msshapelybottom]

It's understandable to be terrified. I was too. I waited till I was more terrified of staying than I was of leaving....till I felt excitement at the thought of living without him if that makes any sense?

There's no rush either way. Take your time to work out what is best for you, get advice on practical issues if you can - presuming that you aren't in any immediate physical danger from your H?

I have no regrets, although life is hard as a single parent (I have 3 kids) and I often feel lonely, but I have to remind myself that it was worse feeling lonely when my exH was lying beside me in bed.

[squeakytoy]

You have been together over 20 years. Has he been an alcoholic all this time?

What made you decide to have a child? Did his behaviour change after his point?

Does he acknowledge that he has a drink problem, and if so, is he willing to address it? In which case would you then be more keen to work on saving the relationship?

[Underachieving]

"I constantly have to stop myself from telling him what I really think.

I am constantly irritated by what he says and does."

Can you give us any examples?

[changeforthebetter]

I split up from an alcoholic. The final point was the damage he was doing to the kids simply by choosing alcohol over everything else. Life is undoubtedly better even though it is hard (financially and physically). I saw a counsellor via my GP so it was free, but limited to 6 sessions. It gave me a chance to talk it all through with a neutral third party. I really don't regret the decision at all. I had come to loathe him and destested living with him. I can't say I am too fond of him now but we are civil to each other now which is much better for the kids. He sees them regularly and I go out of my way to keep that going.

For me, hope of a better life is the spur. I don't mean a knight-on-a-white-charger sort of hope (with my luck I would just end up with the usual horseshit ) but hope that I can be happy and make a better life for us.

Not sure about Al-Anon - the one meeting I went to (so not really very knowledgable) seemed all about how to live with an alcoholic, whereas I wanted to separate.

Good luck

[warzone]

Can't talk right now but back soon. Will answer the questions above then. Thanks.

[missmehalia]

Lone parenthood is less lonely than life with a complete nonce. I agree with the advice about talking to counselling organisations (for YOU) that offer support and concrete strategies to work out the pluses and minuses of pulling the pin on your relationship.

The decision is yours alone (only you know when you've had enough) but, honestly, it's a lot nicer being alone than being saddled with someone you don't like anymore.

Shared history is just that - history. You've got a future to consider, too. How do you feel when you think of still being with him in 10+ years time? It will all feel much more manageable when DD is in nursery/school. It will give you far more freedom and energy to devote to yourself in all kinds of ways.

[warzone]

How do I feel when I imagine us together in another 10 years? Dreading it, if there isn't a lot of changes.

His alcoholism began in his early twenties but it didn't register with me properly until maybe five years later. We decided to have a child because we wanted one, we were getting older, and I still at that time believed him when he said he was going to stop drinking. He was even more reassuring about stopping drinking while I was pregnant but it didn't happen.

Now I no longer have any faith in him ever stopping the drinking. He acknowledges there is a problem but he won't seek help. He sometimes makes the effort for a couple of nights but its always just a couple of nights then back to normal.

If he properly addressed the alcoholism, yes, I would be far more willing to work on the marriage.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

warzone,

You may be waiting years for a change that may not happen. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he may well go onto lose everything and still drink. You are still not responsible for him although you probably do feel a great sense of responsibility towards him.

This is no marriage for you now nor one for you to remain in. His primary relationship is with drink with everything and everyone else coming a distant second.

It will do neither of you any favours at all if you remain with this man. Your DD and you will be further harmed by him, you are both being affected by his behaviours already.

Keep going to the Al-anon meetings as well even though he hates you going.

[sourdoughface]

it must be incredibly hard bringing up kids around an alcoholic

[warzone]

He only drinks in the evenings. She doesn't see him drunk. However, I'm beginning to suspect that his short temper, unpredictability, pessimism and lack of motivation and lack of self esteem are somewhat heightened by his condition. And those things, to some extent, DO affect her.

But us leaving him won't change the fact that he is her father. She will still be affected by him.

[awubble]

Leave him. He will be better off without you. Without you in his life he can hopefully find someone who would try to help with problems like this as opposed to just getting irritated that your not getting what you deserve and are entitled to.

Leave him, he'll be much better off.

[charitygirl]

Wow - thickest post of the day from awubble. You're either an alcoholic in denial, or someone with NO concept of this situation from either side.

[BertieBotts]

She will. But she will be affected so much less. She will have a safe home to come to where her alcoholic father isn't, a safe space to explore and work out from a distance whether his behaviour is typical, or whether it is destructive, for herself. And if you leave, you're giving her express permission not to tolerate this kind of relationship for herself in the future. By staying you lay down a template which could affect who she chooses to have (or continue) a relationship with in the future.

I remember that "I've been unhappy for so long I don't know what happy is any more." The numbness kills you. It was so wonderful when I was free and I could feel again.

[awubble]

Hey Charity, not so apt that name is it !

What's wrong with with considering the best outcome from the DP's side ? The OP has made it clear she is irritated and embarrassed to be with him. This is not conducive to a good relationship for her, she deserves more than this, she shouldn't have to deal with HIS issues!

She made it clear he has a problem, one that is universally known as requiring help to resolve so the sooner she shoves off the sooner people that care might be able to help.

All for the best no ?

[warzone]

Just supposing I do decide to separate from him - I really don't know how best to handle the practicalities. We are in a very tricky situation.

Firstly, at the moment DH does not have a job. I worked part time for a while after DD was born but the financial pressure was too much and I had to go back to full time. So DH is a full time SAHD. (Before you all ask, he only drinks in the evenings.) This means he doesn't have an income. He doesn't have any family he can turn to for help, and I can't afford to support him. How could I leave him in such an awful situation? I know, I'm not responsible for him, but ... in a way I am, because I support the family financially, and he is part of the family.

The job situation also means that if he took me to court over custody, he might very well win. That is unthinkable. I would rather cut off my right arm than live without her. DD and I are very close, she still breast feeds, and from the moment I get home from work to the moment I leave the next morning, I am her main carer. I would put her in day care now if I could, just to avoid this possibility, but I really really can't afford it.

And, who gets to stay in our house? I know our DD should stay in her house, and therefore I should ask him to leave (because there's no way I'm leaving her here with him) - but he literally has no income and nowhere to go, except for possibly staying at one of his mate's houses - sleeping bag on the sofa style. I can't ask him to do that ... can I?

I can't afford to pay the mortgage and also rent somewhere for me and DD and pay full time day care. Just impossible. BUT - I do have a parent who might be prepared to help me out financially or practically in the short term.

We also have a LOT of shared debt. I don't have a clue how we would manage that if we were separated.

Leaving seems so complicated and difficult.

[BertieBotts]

But the OP's DH isn't reading this awubble. So there is absolutely no benefit in posting that. It's quite clearly intended as a dig at the OP. If it wasn't, you could have phrased it better e.g. "It sounds like you will both be happier if you separate. Perhaps it will push him to get the help he needs."

Alcoholics need help to recover, but they also need to be willing to help themselves. The OP has tried to help her DH, if you read the thread properly, you would know that. There's a limit to the amount you can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

[warzone]

a problem, one that is universally known as requiring help to resolve

Unfortunately, help can only be given if the sufferer asks for help and actually wants the help and is committed to getting better. I learned this much from the few al-anon meetings I attended.

Plus I have been trying to 'help' my DH for more than ten years. He doesn't want my help. He doesn't want to stop drinking. Or at least, he doesn't want to stop enough to actually do anything about it.

[awubble]

Well Warzone perhaps your perfect world just doesn't exist ?

Maybe you should try some different approaches to fixing up the one you have....

[warzone]

OK, another question:

Should I tell him I'm considering separating? I might take up someone up thread's suggestion of asking my GP for a course of counselling for myself (my DH refuses to try marriage counselling). But what do I tell him? He knows I'm unhappy but he pretends I'm fine. I pretend I'm fine most of the time - how could I get through the days if I didn't? How awful would it be for my DD if I didn't pretend?

Sorry, that was a bit garbled - what I want to know is, should I make him aware of how serious this is for me right now?

[awubble]

im a post behind here.....